To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

I think the lesson here is if you have any warning before an emergent c-section you say to your nurse or partner or whoever is there to support you-under no circumstances do I want anyone else but fill-in-the-blank with me when I wake up. That way if there are people you didn't want around then the guilty party would have to have been your spouse/partner whomever or the medical staff (just hypothetically speaking I know the L&D staff are pros at enforcing boundaries) I only say this as I had a preemie born via emergency c-section myself and I had a few minutes beforehand with my DH which we spent discussing our child's name. To each his own.

I'd have been fuming OP as i feel the same if I'm vulnerable and unwell. Waiting room, yes ok, same room, not a chance would i be ok with that!!

I agree with each of your comments, the OP claiming she doesn't like attention seekers, sounds like one herself; her way or no way. Your birth plan goes out the window in an emergency, stop being an ungrateful brat and get on with things, you had a good outcome that many don't and have an extended family who care. Your babies must be a dream when you have so much time to waste harping on about something so trivial.

Did saying this to a new mother who nearly died giving birth and is upset make you feel really good? I suspect it did.

Pallisers
It's nothing to do with 'did it make you feel good '
The OP has fixated on a completely trivial thing out of all the trauma that did occur, you can't live on 'what if' 'I wanted' it's done, someone showing care & support and that's all she is hanging onto? Yes it is petty.

I am astounded at the responses here - sure, the MIL might have been there to support the DH but OP had stated as the patient (hint: that's the critical thing here) that she didn't want anyone there but her husband or mum.

MIL should never have been allowed into her recovery room when she was waking up, weak, vulnerable and probably in pain and frantic with worry about her twins and own near medical emergency!

Imagine if the DH was having something emergency and traumatic done but had stated whilst lucid that he only permitted his mum and wife there... And waking up to find his wife's mother in the room!

Your nurses failed to protect your birth plan, op, and your husband failed to advocate for you. At a desperate time. No wonder you're raw about it.

If the MIL needed to support her son, that could have been done without trampling all over your wishes/privacy/recovery!

YANBU, a sensible adult would know better than to do this and it sounds like your MIL is the sort to make a situation all about her.

Yanbu to be upset . I like my MIL though I find her extremely annoying and I would not have wanted to wake up to her face after surgery. She probably would have done the same thing - pulled me up for a hug

With GA you normally wake up an hour after surgery so there was no need for her to be in the room waiting for you to take up. The rooms aren't that big anyway so 6 people in the room must have been pretty crowded. All but your DH and your parents should have waited outside

There was nothing she could have done for you by being in the room. She can support her son from outside the room

Having said all that - there is nothing you can do to change events as they happened so you do need to find some way of moving on past this

I am astounded at the responses here - sure, the MIL might have been there to support the DH but OP had stated as the patient (hint: that's the critical thing here) that she didn't want anyone there but her husband or mum

Well... There's probably some confusion because she stated she didn't want them at the birth. Does waking up from surgery hours later count as "at the birth"? I'm trying to see it from the MiL's point of view, rather than just assuming she's a vindictive bitch who deliberately set out to upset her daughter in law.

Basically it comes down to whether the MiL knew of OP's demands and ignored them, or was trying to do the right thing and mistakenly upset OP.

Can I just put out a big fat "fuck you" to all the posters minimising birth trauma - especially whoever said the OP had a "good outcome" - WTAF!!! In what other situation would you describe a near death experience and emergency surgery as "good"? What an total imbecile.

OP YANBU she is massively overstepping the Mark. It infuriates me that people see women as little more than a vessel to deliver the next family doll, and when the vessel's job they dont give a shit about her. You are not just visiting a baby you're visiting the actual patient!! I do wish that maternity staff would care better for patients by turning people away or asking beforehand their stance on visitors.

I asked my dh if he would have liked my mother to be the first one he saw after his routine knee op and he recoiled in horror.
Yanbu.
I am a very private person and wouldn't have wanted my mother to be there. I would have been fine for mil to be in the waiting room and to ask to come in when I was conscious and had been made comfortable and up to date, etc.
However, this has happened and you need to focus on how you can feel better. Therapy or having it out with Mil may be cathartic?

OP YADNBU, and I'm surprised by the undeserved negativity in some of the responses you've received. Especially the indication that 'this isn't about you'. I beg to differ. As the mother who has just nearly damned well died after squeezing two melon-sized humans out of her vag, I think this is one time in your life that you ARE entitled to make it all about you. And unrepentantly so.

Unless your MiL had an unassailable reason to believe she was the first thing you'll have wanted to see on waking from anaesthesia - doubtless an exceptionally rare scenario even when DiL and MiL get on well - this is off-the-scale unreasonable. When I had my EMDR operation I didn't even see DH when I awoke until after I'd been taken back from recovery onto the main ward. It's a gross violation of boundaries (on DH's part too for allowing it) and I think you are quite justifiably pissed off.

In perspective, however, it was also four months ago, and the moment has passed. Infuriating though it is, there's nothing you can do about it retrospectively other than ensuring DH is made aware of your discomfiture and that appropriate boundaries are put in place. It's pointless swallowing an angry pill in the hope that someone else will get sick. The only person who'll be poisoned is you. And traumatic birth can have horrendous after-effects: PND and PTSD both being known complications of your situation.

I hope you are able to seek help should you need it: there's plenty out there. I also hope you're able to concentrate on your beautiful twins and not give head-space to the kind of people who are insensitive enough to behave in the way MiL et al did, and to have a negative impact on your own recovery.

Sending lots of positivity your way.

As the mother who has just nearly damned well died after squeezing two melon-sized humans out of her vag

She had a caesarean btw

I think with a slightly different thread title and opening post, the responses here would be a lot different. Reading a title like "someone at my birth" followed a post where it's not just someone, it's the MIL – always a lightning rod – at post-birth recovery makes the issue immediately seem lesser, when it isn't.

Whereas a thread titled "AIBU to be angry that my MIL was the first person I saw after surgery" and a post saying "I'd only wanted my DM & DH at the birth. When I went into premature labour at 26 weeks with twins, I had to have a crash C-section and almost died. When I came to in the recovery room after a general anaesthetic, I had no idea if my babies were even alive. Before I could find out, or see my husband, my MIL painfully lifted my post-operative body into a hug. Her invasive actions added to my immediate trauma and confusion" might have been met with more empathy.

I had a similar birth experience and MIL ended up far more involved than anyone expected, she has seen more of me than anyone but DH!
It was all shit. But it wasn't just shit for me it was terrifying for DH. He had hours of waiting while no one would tell him anything other than ds was alive and well. His mum was a vital support for him. I was so ill coming round I don't remember anything. I can't remember the first time I saw my ds. I was the last family member to see dd.
The experience gave dh depression. Would I have preferred a bit more privacy, yes. Is it really important, no. We are all alive and well, that is the really important thing.
Have you had counseling or a hospital debriefing? Twin mums need help don't cut off your mil unless you really have to. It sounds like she cares even if she has poor boundaries.

Why does the OP have to move on?

After I had my DD, had a huge bleed followed by emergency surgery for retained placenta, I couldn't even sit up afterwards. DD was maybe 12 hours old and 8 of my in laws piled in at visiting time, told me I looked like shit then proceeded to parade my baby - who is barely held at this point - round the wars, trying to find good lighting for a photo I was too weak to speak up, and DH had gone home for rest. That was six years ago and I'm still furious. They knew how ill I was, didn't consider for a moment that it's important I recover and spend time with my baby, it was about them and their inability to wait a few days - which I now realise is very telling of how they see me. These things do matter, they shape family dynamics, and women have a right to be hurt about being treated so badly.

I don’t see why people weren’t empathetic - the OP was not difficult to understand.

I think some posters like being contrary and holier than thou - or just like being as antagonistic and judgemental as possible.

I'm surprised at these responses.
Of course if your dh needed support and asked for it she should be there to support him but as far as I'm concerned I agree with you!
After I had my babies I wanted to shower, make myself feel human again (ish) and her myself presentable (ish) before visitors and that's WITHOUT all the trauma you'd just gone through.
I'd have been cross that I'd had no say in my visitors be it my own mother or my mil, people can come and see me when I feel I'm ready and less vulnerable to be honest.

I mean, does she need to be sat in the room with you to support her son? I don't think so.

She had a caesarean btw

Many thanks for the pedantic correction, which detracts not one iota from the real point being made in my post. (And this, if I may say so, is splitting hairs).

Incidentally, the MiL's motivation for behaving the way she did doesn't matter one iota. The end result has been the same: a terrible effect on the OP's mental wellbeing at probably the most vulnerable and traumatic time of her life.

Intention or otherwise is not a mitigating factor. It was an absolute violation of boundaries for the MiL to be in her DiL's room whilst she was still under anaesthesia; a private space was necessary even for a short time to enable her to recover in peace, to a state where she was able to decide for herself who she did or didn't want in the room.

In nobody's universe could that be deemed respectful of another person's boundaries. OP is an autonomous human being, not a walking receptacle for carrying someone else's grandchild.

Yes why did giving her son support mean being sat there in the patient's room the whole time? Especially with such an intimate procedure as giving birth. Would you do that if someone had had urological surgery or were having a double heart bypass?

I'm so sorry your birth experience was so difficult.

I think someone who has just woken up from major surgery without even knowing what has happened to her or her babies does not deserve to wake up to someone she wouldn't choose to be there in her private room.

I understand that her DH would need some support and the only reason I can see is that DH needed a break and asked if MIL would sit with the OP thinking that was the right thing to do, I would argue that he should probably asked the OPs own DM if possible. MIL and siblings could have been in the waiting room providing support, etc.

When my FIL was very poorly in hospital I asked my MIL and DH to check he was happy for me to see him so vulnerable and poorly. I can't understand the lack of sympathy for someone who was so very vulnerable.

OP I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I'm sorry people are minimising your feelings and what you've been through and are going through. I do agree that you really should talk to someone about your birth and although you're entitled to your feelings that you can move past them and find a way to deal with them.

You are not being over sensitive I would have hated this too!
Wouldn't have bothered me if DH wanted his mum to support him but stay in the waiting room until you've invited them in.
I like to have my own space and privacy - had major surgery on a number of occasions just wanted to be left alone to wake up and come round etc.

When I had my EMDR operation I didn't even see DH when I awoke until after I'd been taken back from recovery onto the main ward. I

Not wanting to split hairs but I doubt that the MIL was in the theatre recovery area. This sounds like the OP had a private room in the main ward. I can't imagine a hospital allowing 3 visitors into theatre recovery.

As a slight aside, had the OP been on a main ward she might well have woken up to find all of the other patients and visitors looking at her, even if her MIL was held at bay outside.

YANBU OP. I don't see this as 'yet another MIL bashing thread' because I think you would feel the same about anyone else being there who you weren't expecting.

Coming round from GA is a bit weird as it is let alone all the drama you went through prior to it. I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect to be able to come round in peace and get an update on the babies from either your DH or the medical team before having to deal with anyone else!

FWIW I really do strongly recommend talking through this issue with your HV or GP or a therapist of some sort.

The first couple of weeks of my DD's life were very stressful and I feel there were things in her medical care that were not ideal. I got fixated on the chain of events that had taken place and it was whirring round my head numerous times a day. I was going round in circles thinking it all through trying to identify where things had gone wrong. The thoughts were distressing and unhelpful and not getting better so I eventually spoke to my HV and to my GP who arranged counseling. I wish I had done this sooner as things improved immensely almost straight away once I started talking about it.