To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

[Seline]

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

Actually, if my sister or sister in law, let alone DIL went into labour with twins at 26 weeks, I’d be utterly devastated and besides myself with worry. I’m naturally inclined to stay away until invited, but I understand that some people express their concern through physical presence. If I were that type of person, I could well imagine I’d want to be right next to you and the babies (if it were possible), because in my head it would be equal to helping/giving/loving.

Sorry- but if you're going to be annoyed- DH is the one to point your anger at. He contacted his mum (understandable) he talked to his mum (understandable) and he allowed his mother in the room, despite your wishes. They wouldn't have been in recovery with you immediately post op- no way three people in any hospital would be allowed into an adult post theatre sterile recovery area, so you were at least to an extent woken up in the post op recovery area of theatre or wouldn't have been taken back to your room. You need to see someone, and talk through your experiences as your bitterness eventually will lead to a situation between you and your husband, which may not be recoverable from.

salmon some people appear to thrive on drama. While they might not be deliberately vicious they are incredibly hard people to have around when you need support because their desire to "support" actually seems to be more important that what the patient wants or needs. In that situation it does sometimes feel like the incredibly difficult time you are facing is a form of entertainment to them. Obviously that usually isn't the case but when you are the one wanting peace and quiet can feel that way.

There's some on this thread: "I'd want to be there to support my son" with no question about whether the son or his DW (the one with a life threatening condition) actually want their support, or what kind of support they need. It's selfishness dressed up as caring.

OP I imagine that although the text message wasn't dramatic, What's to say they didn't speak on the phone following the text and he told her of the seriousness of the the situation.
I think because of the trauma you suffered at the time and you were upset, you've carried it with you since. Try and put it behind you and concentrate on your lovely children.

Maybe his siblings came because they were concerned for you, DH and the twins, not for some sort of 'jolly.'

I also feel like it was treated as some sort of jolly. "Oh look Selina's had the twins lets get everyone together and descend on her!" rather than oh shit she's given birth at 26 weeks and needed several blood transfusions this could all go very wrong.

This is key I think - what makes you think its the former

You were 26 weeks and going into theatre - no more information is needed to know that this has the potential to be a fatal situation to one of the 3 players involved.

Your DH cant remember what was going on and what he said you cant expect him to. Neither can you apply rational and logical thought processes to the information.

So you need to unpick why you feel it is the former and not the latter. Because it may well be you feel she was there for her son and not you but that is ok it doesnt make it a jolly

OP, for a long time after my son's birth I raged at the fact that my mum and dad had seen him before I did. I was too ill to go to SCBU and he was too ill to be with me.

My husband took them into SCBU to see him and for a long time I could not get over this. But then I realised that they too had been through a terrible time - there was a very real chance that I could have died or that my son could have. No one was acting rationally at the time.

I know that had it been my child or my parent in very real danger that I would have wanted to be there.

I understand the feelings but you can't change what happened.

As a PP said, how would you react if it were your husband gravely ill? Would you not want someone there to support you? Given how you speak about your MIL I doubt you would turn to her. How would you cope with such an event?

I haven't got time to read the full thread but @Seline you are completely right to be upset by this.

If your birthing plan was clear then you have every right to complain to the hospital as you would not have been aware that you had given birth to healthy children at the point that you recovered from the C section and saw your MIL in the room. It is therefore clear that your birth plan should have been respected up until that point.

No matter whether there is a back story or not to your relationship with your MIL your wishes should have been respected on this. As others have said your wishes should not have been overridden in favour of your DH's or MIL's wishes.

I had a different issue with my hospital after the birth of my son which caused me significant depression. I found it useful to write an official complaint via the PALS service. I didn't take it all the way or ever want compensation but it was cathartic to actually feel that I was able to express my dissatisfaction.

You can't change what has happened though no matter how many times you think about it. I would speak to your GP about talking therapy and the way you feel about this. From experience I would suggest you try ( I know it is difficult) to focus on your beautiful babies rather than your traumatic experience.

For those saying ‘unless there’s a huge back story’....there is. Op has, as others have pointed out, posted a huge amount about this situation and specifically her dh’s Family.

Cultural differences appear to be at the heart of the issues.

Op - I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - this is rumination. You are most definitely not totally ok.

I've not rtft and don't have time to, but your OP has struck a chord with me.
My first baby was delivered via an emergency crash section. We both almost died. I'd have loved it if DH had had some support at that stage because it was easily the scariest point in his life.

I was diagnosed with PTSD after the event and I'm wondering whether you are experiencing similar. If there are no other underlying reasons for your anger then I guess your emotions may be mis matched and you are directing it at her? Just a thought. Might be an idea to speak to someone professionally xx

Quartz it's their attitude. I can't describe it well but i feel it minimises it. Thinking about it maybe they were trying to stay positive for me? I'd have preferred someone to say "oh wow it's shit how awful." than "oooh congratulations how exciting don't worry it'll all be okay!"

I have read a few of your most recent threads - sleep issues and possible PTSD following your traumatic birth. Plus a few other issues. Not surprised you are feeling battered and angry.
Your MIL DID step all over your boundaries. And therefore telling her directly that it made you feel uncomfortable and that she should think more carefully in future would be a standard "normal" response.

However I think (in the light of your other threads) that you are focusing solely on your MIL's behaviour and not what has happened in the last few months as a whole - she's somebody to hang a grievance on if you like (because she did behave inappropriately towards you by your standards so you know you are in the right). You've had a whole host of crap chucked at you - most of it out of your control and I think you need to access some support and counselling to help you work through it.
I didn't (similar experience) and regret losing months/years angry.

Of course they're going to say positive things when they see you though. Would you have honestly preferred her to say 'you look like shit' the minute you woke up?

The headline had me thinking some random colleague or stranger was watching you being born several decades ago! It's your husband's mother fgs and she wasn't in the room watching you birth her grandchild. She was showing concern once you were over the worst, must love you! But oh no, let's demonise the mother in laws.

God I hope my ds never marries. I'll be damned from the moment he does. Oh and I am quite sure no vaginal probes were 'shoved' anywhere.

Is she just one of those people though

My first frame of reference is whether they treat me differently or my situation differently to others. Is she that positive spin always having to be at the centre of it all type of person - because she sounds like it

You are never going to change her and her reaction but the anger you are storing over this isnt healthy for you or your family.

@itwaseverthus How dare you belittle the OP and minimise her experience. You sound like you'll be a wonderful and respectful MIL with that attitude.

I would absolutely have hated that too op and would seriously struggle to move on from it. I can't understand the apparent attitude that you should just put up with your mil trampling in at such an awful time because your husband might have needed her.

Even if he was desperate for support, she still barged her way into your private room into your personal space when you weren't even conscious. You were completely unable to consent to that and she barged in anyway. It's just wrong on so many levels and I can completely understand why it felt like your feelings didn't matter.

I am a very private person too, and this would be the end of my relationship with the person, whoever it was unless there was a travelling apology and complete acceptance that they had done wrong. You do not barge uninvited into someone's hospital room when they have not even woken from major surgery, no matter what your intentions are. It's completely unacceptable.

@Seline , I completely agree that you need validation. I agree with @Quartz2208 , but I also think (with the greatest of respect) that you are angry with the only person you can be angry with.

Your birth was traumatic. Those people were 'justifiable' in their handling and treatment of your body, for medical reasons, as their actions had a purpose: to keep the three of you alive. Logically, you cannot be angry at them because you are all still alive and thriving.

And so you are focusing your anger on your MIL because you cannot understand her actions.

As I see it, it's quite simple. You are heading down for theatre, when 26 weeks pregnant, with twins. It's an emergency. And in emergencies, the most carefully laid plans can go out the window because all we usually want to do is make sure our loved ones are safe. It's instinct. I would drop everything for most of my family and friends under those circumstances, and peg it there, let alone my son. People would have to hold me back. She was probably out of her mind with worry, and needed to be there, to offer support, to be on hand, to be close.
I am in no way saying that her needs trumps yours, but what I am saying is that I can understand her. It is unfortunate that you opened your eyes at the moment she was stood over you, but she probably wouldn't have been in that position for very long.
I also think that she will not apologize but I do not think YABU in wanting your feelings to be validated.

I am very very very sorry that you have gone through what you have, I really am. I don't know you, and I am not offering any diagnosis but what you are writing does indicate that perhaps talking through your feelings with a professional would help.

Is she that positive spin always having to be at the centre of it all type of person - because she sounds like it

Yes she is. And I find those people difficult generally.

Don't you think it would be in your own interest to move on from this? I get that you are really angry and can;t get your head around why she did it - but the facts are she did and you cant do anything about the past.

You have twins to look after - I'm sure you have better things to do with your time than endlessly wind yourself up over the most trivial aspect of a traumatic birth. After all - you could have died, as could your babies. That is the mountain - your MIL is a molehill.

feelingsinister I dare to disagree with the op's take as presented here because I am a free agent. That's how. She asked AIBU and based on the info she gave, yes I think she is being unreasonable.

Only on page 6 but YANBU! Two things have stood out so far, 1) you didn't even get a chance to speak to your husband and enquire about your newborn before she 2) pulled you up off your hospital bed post op!

Itwaseverthus
I agree with each of your comments, the OP claiming she doesn't like attention seekers, sounds like one herself; her way or no way. Your birth plan goes out the window in an emergency, stop being an ungrateful brat and get on with things, you had a good outcome that many don't and have an extended family who care. Your babies must be a dream when you have so much time to waste harping on about something so trivial.

I think I've read all your posts OP – there are a lot so sorry if I missed it, but I can't see if you've said she knows how you feel about personal space. Because from an entirely objective point of view, her behaviour seems totally normal. I don't see anything unusual in waiting in a private room with somebody (even an in-law) who has had emergency surgery, assuming you have a normal healthy familial relationship with that person.

Your reaction and feelings are definitely unusual. So if they don't know about that stuff, then they shouldn't really be blamed. If they do know and explicitly ignored it, then obviously they're in the wrong.

BMW6

*Don't you think it would be in your own interest to move on from this? I get that you are really angry and can;t get your head around why she did it - but the facts are she did and you cant do anything about the past.

You have twins to look after - I'm sure you have better things to do with your time than endlessly wind yourself up over the most trivial aspect of a traumatic birth. After all - you could have died, as could your babies. That is the mountain - your MIL is a molehill.*

This post x 1000

OP if you keep focusing on this one detail of your birth, your overriding memory of your twins first months/years will be this one disappointing situation. Not sure how that is healthy for you or your twins.