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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 19:19

Haud I get that but this wasn't a split second reaction. She actually had to think, go and pick up BIL and SIL, and get to us etc. It wasn't a split second thing. I asked DH why they came and he said "because they wanted to be there" and that pissed me off a bit. It's not a movie or a family holiday, it's someone giving birth.

I'm very sorry that happened to them and hope they are okay now!

OP posts:
feelingsinister · 28/02/2019 19:19

@Seline I don't think you're being oversensitive at all and I'm quite shocked that some think you are. I think I'd feel the same as you and would only want to see certain people so soon after surgery. My partner and two closest friends. Everyone else including my MIL can wait outside/at home until I say so.

Waking up from a GA is quite confusing and hazy so I can imagine it felt very weird to see her face first especially as you were so worried about your babies.

BelleSausage · 28/02/2019 19:20

YANBU OP

Does he have form for interfering?

I was rushed into EMCS and my own mother knew that only DH was welcome. I can’t imagine coming round from such a traumatic experience and the pain of not knowing how the babies were only to be co-opted by MIL for dramatics.

I didn’t want anyone to touch me, even DH, after my section for two weeks. Obviously excepting DD who I didn’t let go for ages.

BelleSausage · 28/02/2019 19:21

Sorry, that should be: does she have form for interfering?

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 19:21

Yes Belle. She likes to control things.

OP posts:
feelingsinister · 28/02/2019 19:21

@Peakypolly loving grandparent or not, it's intrusive. My MIL is lovely but she's not my parent and although I care about her we're not close enough for her to be there at my bedside before I've even woken up.

liitlepenguin · 28/02/2019 19:21

Op YANBU at all. I had twins it wS a traumatic labour and delivery. I was a flipping mess. Who should stroll up straight after mil and fil. It was far too intrusive. I was literally a bloody mess and had a drain in which some how FIL manged to kick. They held my babies more than I bloody had done ! It still makes me fume 4 years later !

AssassinatedBeauty · 28/02/2019 19:22

I think your DH could explain to her that she doesn't need to understand, all she needs to know is that she has upset you and not unreasonably so. That's why he asked her to leave the room, she didn't, and it has caused a lot of upset.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 19:23

But it’s not someone giving birth, you were in a life or death situation, can you not see this OP?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 19:24

And yes all is well now, they are both absolutely perfect Smile

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 19:24

Assassinated that would help I think.

I also feel like it was treated as some sort of jolly. "Oh look Selina's had the twins lets get everyone together and descend on her!" rather than oh shit she's given birth at 26 weeks and needed several blood transfusions this could all go very wrong.

OP posts:
VeganCow · 28/02/2019 19:24

OP I would have hated it too and wouldn’t be able to let go of it. It sounds horrendous. Even without the fact you and babies nearly died, I wouldn’t have wanted to see her in that room straight after.

Is she generally a controlling woman?

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 19:25

Haud I see that but she had time. She lives an hour from the hospital so it wasn't an instant reaction.

I'm glad you're all okay. Must've been horrible.

OP posts:
wLuytgNx · 28/02/2019 19:28

I think she came to support her son, it wasn't about you. He reached out to his mum to say you'd be taken to theatre and she wants to be there for her son. Just like you would for your child in the future. Sucks that she was in the room when you woke, she could have been outside and left to give you time alone. But she wasn't there to interfere or annoy you, she was there for her son in a panicked, frightened time.

Saying that, I was in a tricky labour and my mum and sis turned up, I refused to see them and got OH to send them away. I regret it to this day, how hurtful of me. They were only there to care but at the time I saw it as them ruining my birth plan. It was petty and I regret it.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 19:30

OP in previous threads you’ve said you have a genius IQ, however I think in some of your replies your being deliberately obtuse

Rational thinking in an emergency situation goes out the window, it makes to difference how long it took to get there, what measures they had to get there, you and the babies were the emergency.

My own 5 year old would not believe that his dad and brother were ok until he had seen them both with his own eyes. Adults are the same.

Gingernut83 · 28/02/2019 19:32

Seline I totally get where you’re coming from- my mil decided to camp out in the waiting room with most of dh side of the family- they soon fucked off when they realised it was going to take 2 days ha ha ! To be fair I was zoomed into theatre for emergency delivery but ended up just having forceps and lots of stitches. Mil popped in briefly later on that day which I was fine with as all of the nasty stuff was over and she doesn’t live near so naturally wanted to see baby. I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all xx

AssassinatedBeauty · 28/02/2019 19:32

I don't understand the need for the adult children to come along, but I can see that your DH might have wanted his mother there or found it helpful. He may have wanted someone there if he needed to be with one baby, or with you and not the babies and so on. Being on his own with potentially 3 very unwell loved ones is a lot to handle on your own.

Mof3K · 28/02/2019 19:33

Honestly i hate these threats so much.
I will be devastated if my future daughter in law hates me that much that i feel i can't be there to support MY son.
He's only 7 right now but i will always be his mum as well as him having a wife/partner/husband one day.
Bloody hell op let it go!

Original poster
Seline · 28/02/2019 19:34

Haud I do have a very high IQ but I have a spiky profile overall. So in some areas I'm incredibly gifted yet in others I'm almost absent. Spatial awareness for example. I have none and knock into everything, drop things, fall over my own feet. That's a different issue to this one though.

I'm not being obtuse. She wasn't told anything other than I'd been taken to theatre. She didn't know the extent of the situation.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 28/02/2019 19:34

@Mof3K if you respect your DIL and listen to her then you'll be fine. Would you have stayed in the recovery room when asked to leave by your son?

7salmonswimming · 28/02/2019 19:35

I think now you really are being unreasonable. Unless she’s outright vicious, no woman who’s had children herself would think, on receiving a text from her son saying his wife is in theatre and his babies are about to be delivered at 26 WEEKS, would think ”Oh look Selina’s had the twins lets get everyone together and descend on her”

She’d have to be a truly special kind of cruel to think that, in which case you’d be posting about a whole different problem. And I think you are absolutely blaming her for an awful overal situation, of which she was only a bit-player.

feelingsinister · 28/02/2019 19:37

@Mof3K She could have been supportive from the waiting room. She was there for him, he knew that. She didn't need to be in the recovery room to support her son.

AssassinatedBeauty · 28/02/2019 19:37

The babies arriving at 26 weeks is clearly a serious situation. No one would think that it's a jolly day out.

Some families do like to have everyone around, because it makes them feel better. But you should have had your preferences respected, especially when she was told outright.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 19:38

Your deflecting and minimising now

I am absolutely positive from what you’ve described previously that when your dh called her, she would have heard he fear in his voice, as you’ve said yourself it was a life or death situation.

NCforthisoneb · 28/02/2019 19:38

@Mof3K

I hope that for you too. And I hope you can see that there is a vast difference between being there for your son and intruding on your future dil’s dignity and wishes.