Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 ··· 39 40

Original poster

To be angry that someone came to my birth when I didn't want them to?

999 replies

Seline · 28/02/2019 16:50

Had an emergency cesarean under very traumatic circumstances during which I nearly died and so did my twins. The whole night was horrendous. When I woke up from my cesarean, my mother in law was there. I felt hurt and confused and didn't know what was going on.

She didn't stay long but she also had my brother and sister in law (adults not children or teens) in the waiting room. As soon as DH had text her to say "She's been rushed to theatre" she just decided to turn up with them.

Four months later I'm still angry about this. Am I being unfair?

OP posts:

NorthernLurker · 28/02/2019 18:56

You're definitely NOT absolutely fine.

NorthernLurker · 28/02/2019 18:57

And don't go looking for an apology. Never going to happen

Highlights12 · 28/02/2019 18:57

So you and your twins nearly died and your stressing over family being there. You need to thank your lucky stars you all survived.

Wallsbangers · 28/02/2019 18:57

It's clear there is deep and understandable trauma from the birth. You need to seek support and counselling. The bit about your MIL is a tiny bit of what sounds like an incredibly difficult and upsetting situation.

It sounds like your DH didn't mind her being there and perhaps you woke up just at the point she'd sat next to you to check on you.

Where are your twins at this point?

averythinline · 28/02/2019 18:57

I think you are being completely reasonable - I would have been so pissed of with this - lucky my DH no matter how distraught would never ever have let anyone else in the room unless he knew i would actively have wanted them....( I wouldnt want my own mother either ..)
wtf was he thinking? and I'm not sure why the health people let her in either...
has he apologised ? if he knows you well enough to stand by the wall surely he knows you well enough to not let her in..seriously I would be really annoyed
luckily not near - once i came round from GA and not oinly threw up over the person nnearest me also hit the nearest nurse (not on purpse was trying to get up and swung my arm to grab side of bed but was so disorientated clattered the nurse ) was mortified when came round properly

have the hospital offered you a proper debrief- if not I would go back to your midwife/ PALS department of the hospital because you had a such a difficult birth.....
I would have quite a frank conversation with your DH as well...I did not have any easy birth but not as extreme as yours and it affected me for quite a while and he didnt get it at all until I comepletely opened up to him (I'm quite contained about things usually)

Maybe83 · 28/02/2019 18:58

It's not ignorant it's a different perspective.

For everyone saying your privacy was invaded have you given specific instructions to your dh/dm and extended family what your expectations are should you ever require emergency life saving surgery that may result in your death?

So your driving to work some day. Crash your car and end up having emergency surgery.

You come around to extended family in the room and people are around your bedside and this is a violation of your rights as the patient.

Or you go in for a minor op and wake up in intensive care with the same scenario.

This happens day in day out in hospitals all over the world.

A couple of hours before your life was a completely different path. The same as the Ops and things can change in a split second.

If it was you in that scenario OP would you have banded your mother from the room if your dh was the one lying in the hospital bed? Would you view her presence as an invasion of his privacy?

JayneyMc4 · 28/02/2019 18:59

Quartz that's possible. I much prefer dealing in factual and abstract scenarios than emotional ground so there is an element of that.

This entire thread is absurd, you were in an emergency situation that was out of your control; this is what you need to deal with not your Mil showing concern, if this is what your concern over the birth is I really think you need help. I'd be embarrassed if my daughter behaved like this, surely twins are keeping you busy enough but yet you're obsessing over this. Move on or get help.

Weetabixandshreddies · 28/02/2019 19:02

If DH wanted support he could step have stepped out to the waiting room.

Would the OP have then been upset that her husband wasn't with her? Or maybe the husband didn't want to leave his wife but needed some support?

I do feel for you OP. It's a horrible situation and I guess everyone was just trying to do their best.

I had an emergency C section and was very ill with pre eclampsia. My son was taken straight to SCBU so my husband was torn between going with him or staying with me. It took a long time for me to appreciate the effect that it had on him watching us both so ill and not knowing who to be with.

mellongoose · 28/02/2019 19:03

Did you explicitly tell anyone who could or couldn't be near you when you woke up? Or have you assumed people should know without telling them?

I don't think you have PND but I do think you need to talk through what happened that day with a professional. I mean that gently.

Having just given birth to my sleeping baby, I can tell you that things didn't go the way I planned either. That's life, I'm afraid. Do what you need to to move past this for the sake of you and your family. Please be kind to yourself and your MIL and your DH.

53rdWay · 28/02/2019 19:03

I'd be embarrassed if my daughter behaved like this

That’s a bit mean. The OP’s been through hellishly traumatic experiences with this birth then premature babies in NICU. If she’s obsessing over this it’s likely to be because it’s the one part she feels like she can process/control, not because she’s a silly little girl who needs a good telling off.

Cherylshaw · 28/02/2019 19:04

I'm going to be in the minority here and say I had a similar experience, without going into detail, I'm still ragging about it 4 years later, may seem petty but there it is
Totally get where you are coming from

clairestandish · 28/02/2019 19:04

And if DH was coming round from an anaesthetic, after traumatic injury and surgery, I would be actively ensuring all visitors stayed out (albeit updated regularly) and gave him space, dignity and uncomplicated access to medical staff.

This! At least wait until she had woken up after her c-section to bring people in. Basic dignity and respect.

AngelaHodgeson · 28/02/2019 19:05

If it was you in that scenario OP would you have banded your mother from the room if your dh was the one lying in the hospital bed? Would you view her presence as an invasion of his privacy?

Absolutely I would have. As a fully functioning adult I am able to cope in a multitude of situations with a support network which doesn't actually need to be in the fucking room with me.

why100000 · 28/02/2019 19:08

I totally get it. They should not have been in the same room as you at any time - but in the waiting room instead. When you woke up, you could then have seen them if you wanted to / were up to it.

I would also feel that my privacy had been violated.

Original poster

Seline · 28/02/2019 19:10

Interesting. I just spoke to DH about it and he says he does remember saying to her "wait in the corridor because Selina won't want an audience" but he doesn't know why that wasn't enforced as he can't remember much of what happened after that and me waking up. I don't think he's just trying to save his arse, he would admit if he hadn't said it.

OP posts:

BollocksToBrexit · 28/02/2019 19:10

OP I also think YANBU. I get on great with my MIL but I wouldn't want her looming over me in the circumstances you describe. It's messed with your head at an extremely vulnerable time. So it's not surprising it's still affecting you now.

Oswin · 28/02/2019 19:11

JayneyMc4 your response is absurb. Op woke up from surgery, not knowing if her a babies were alive to mil being the first face she saw. Who then pulled her up to hug her.

If you were ashamed of your daughter for being upset at this you need to think why do you think your daughters feelings come behind everyone else's.

Women are not just vessels. They aren't just dils or wives. This was a time ops feelings should have been put first.
This isn't about hating mils. I love my exes mom. I still wouldn't have wanted her there. And she would never have been so dense to think her feelings should come before mine.

Maybe83 · 28/02/2019 19:11

Well hospitals are clearly full of people with much less resilience and ability to function as an adult than you world wide!

Ultimately what ever anyone's views are wether your reasonable or not it doesn't matter. You need to find a way to make peace with it and move on.

Speak to her if you feel it will help. Will an apology fix it?

AssassinatedBeauty · 28/02/2019 19:13

It wasn't enforced because he was in an extremely stressful situation. Your MIL should have not had to have it enforced, she should have been able to realise it was better to wait outside.

Do you think your MIL is likely to apologise?

Singlenotsingle · 28/02/2019 19:13

If she hadn't gone, if she'd stayed at home, you could have said she didn't care! This was her ddil and dgc in trauma and serious danger and her own DS needed her. Whatever she did could be criticised. She did what she felt was best.

cupoftea84 · 28/02/2019 19:14

You're not over reacting especially if she was told to wait outside.
She won't understand what's she's done though unless you discuss it with her. If you just bury this in your head I suspect you'll hate her and it'll do your family go good at all.
Maybe your husband diplomatically explaining she upset you so she can apologise and everyone move on.

Original poster

Seline · 28/02/2019 19:14

I wouldntve moaned at her staying home.

OP posts:

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/02/2019 19:16

The thing is it’s all very well in saying we would do X Y and Z in an emergency but the reality and your ideals get totally thrown out of the window

When I was faced with my ds (then 11months old) literally being in a blaze of fire, and then worse to then see my dh on fire too, you’d have thought I’d have went action instead I froze and time stood still and everything was in slow motion, it was dh who become the hero.

The minutes, hours and weeks that followed were unbelievably surreal, initially you get support from your loved ones and everything is just hazy, it’s only when the true aftermath is truly over then you think I would have done that differently etc...

I needed the support, as did dh and ds’s, idealism’s in emergency situations just aren’t real life.

Original poster

Seline · 28/02/2019 19:16

I don't think she's likely to apologise no. She doesn't understand those of us who don't want a song and dance around everything.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 28/02/2019 19:18

I think you need to draw a line on it and move on, you now have twins to look after and although the situation was upsetting to you there is no point dwelling on it, it happened and nothing you can do now will change it. I had a similar expereance when I had my first dc, my mum turned up at the hospital and came into the birthing room, at the time I didn’t care, I was in pain and just wanted the support but it upset my dh, he didn’t say so at the time but afterwards he said he wasnt happy and felt pushed out. With my 2nd birth I left my mum in charge of dd1 and didn’t tell anyone else I was in labour so it was just me and dh.

Flip

1 2 ··· 10 11 12 ··· 39 40