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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and a Princess?

142 replies

PooleySpooley · 27/02/2019 21:50

I have the week off for my birthday.

My parents are coming that weekend and we are going out for dinner on the Saturday night. My birthday is on the Friday.

My husband arrives on the Friday and with him will be his two teenage daughters the Saturday night we are going out for dinner with my parents and 5 of our children.

I have been a bit in two minds what to do on my birthday as I am off work but obviously most of my friends and my husband are working. My best friend lives in another town and it’s her birthday a few days before mine and I will go and visit her.

My mum and dad now want to arrive a day early on my bday (meaning I will have 6 people to cook for) as they are meeting friends who live near here for lunch.

I have jokingly said that yes they can come if I am invited for lunch. Which they said is fine but - since they retired have become a bit obsessed with Wetherspoons (obvious reasons) whereas in the past have had more “refined” tastes. I have no problem with drinking in Wetherspoons but the two round here are really busy, so not very clean and I really really hate the food.

My dad is insisting we go there - argh what do I do just go along and suck it up.

What pisses me off a bit is it’s partly convenience for them they are coming on my birthday and my dad would not go and eat somewhere he didn’t want to.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 27/02/2019 23:06

As the OP is going out for a meal on the Saturday, do you think everyone should ignore the fact that it is her birthday on the Friday? I'm not saying that there should be a massive party or anything, but some sort of acknowledgment. I'm not one for over the top celebrations but some token gesture would be nice. I assume they are going out on the Saturday as it would be too late/too much of a rush on the Friday

It does seem rude her parents have invited themselves down a day early and then go out and see someone else, and then dictate what sort of food they won't deem acceptable for the evening meal.

Birdsgottafly · 27/02/2019 23:06

I have Adult children.

What I think is out of order, is them not seeing to dinner.

I've stopped relying on others on my Birthday, I make sure I'm doing something, even if it's on my own.

The not swapping your weekend and agreeing to your Parents coming, are your doing, so you can't complain about that. Your experience on your anniversary should have guided you, on that.

Plan the simplistic thing for dinner, or ask them, in advance to help. I'd do either something in a slow cooker, or a big one pot meal, chicken curry, chilli etc.

Purplecatshopaholic · 27/02/2019 23:08

Why on earth is ANYONE obsessed with Wetherspoons, its a dump. And its your birthday, so so surely everyone should go where you want...

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 27/02/2019 23:08

We are going out on the Saturday because as my step kids are here I said Inwould ask like to invite my kids as it felt a bit weird going for a meal with my step kids and not my kids as well and my daughter could only get the sat night off not the fri.

OP posts:
Original poster
PooleySpooley · 27/02/2019 23:11

Yes - I always organise my own birthday. I organised my 40th bday party.

I couldn’t ask DH to swap weekends as there was a possibility he would be deployed. Which hasn’t happened.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/02/2019 23:13
  1. arrange to go out with/go and see a friend/s on the Friday evening
  2. tell DH he has to sort dinner for himself and his DCs
  3. tell your parents you have plans and won’t be home for dinner.
  4. go out and forget about them all.
Popc0rn · 27/02/2019 23:13

@Purplecatshopaholic

I'm guessing because it's cheap, and her parents don't have as much spare cash since retiring? That's the only "obvious reason" I can think of anyway.

1poppy1 · 27/02/2019 23:13

I'm going to disagree with the majority and say YANBU. It's your birthday and your parents are coming to visit, but have made plans without you! I know MN seem to think that adults shouldn't celebrate birthdays but most of us do, and particularly would feel hurt if our own parents ignored it like this.

I can see that any other day, it would be unreasonable to expect your parents to change their preferred lunch venue to suit you, but on their own daughter's birthday, given that they don't live nearby, it seems a bit much to prioritise their own tastes over yours.

The step-children issue sounds like part of a bigger problem, but if my birthday was being spent by myself, despite parents 'visiting', and then cooking food for other people, I would feel a bit sorry for myself too.

LimeKiwi · 27/02/2019 23:13

Why on earth is ANYONE obsessed with Wetherspoons, its a dump. And its your birthday, so so surely everyone should go where you want...

Because some people like Wetherspoons, we're not all the same? Confused
And OP is having her birthday stuff the day after so the parents are free to meet up with their friends on the day OP wasn't doing anything.
OP invited them down to see her for the Saturday, which is what they're still doing.

whippetwoman · 27/02/2019 23:16

Actually I am with you OP. I have had two birthdays messed up by my lovely well-intentioned parents deciding to come and see me. I don’t think you’re being precious at all. When you do loads of stuff at home and stuff for kids/step-kids then it’s not much to ask to not have to faff-on after others on your birthday. So what if you’re going out on the Saturday for a meal? The day before is still your birthday.

On Mumsnet, as an adult, enjoying your birthday is frowned upon for some reason.

Purpleartichoke · 27/02/2019 23:16

You should not be making dinner for anyone on your birthday. You should also not crash their lunch. You have 2 options. 1) go out with your friend as planned and tell your parents they are in their own. 2) tell the other adults in the household that it is your birthday and you will not be making or buying them dinner.

Starryskiesinthesky · 27/02/2019 23:17

I agree it aounds a bit shit for your birthday!

So, I would either get my partner to cook / prepare stuff in advance for my birthday tea or just do it myself and focus on celebrating on the Saturday.

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 27/02/2019 23:19

Yeah I kind of wish I had said no to my parents.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 27/02/2019 23:20

I am also assuming OP doesn't see much of her DH, so it would be nice to have a bit of a celebration on her actual birthday

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 27/02/2019 23:20

He won’t be able to cook in advance as he will leave on the Sunday and return on the Friday.

I don’t resent my step kids.

I didn’t want them to miss out on a potential last weekend with their dad.,

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 27/02/2019 23:22

You could get some freezer pizzas in for DH and DSDs that he can just bung in the oven. Lidl and Aldi do good cheap ones.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2019 23:26

Pooley - are you the poster whose husband cba to sort out the takeaway for you last week when you were ill?

I'm feeling bad for you because I think you're coming at the bottom of everyone's list at the moment, and as it is your birthday you should for once come higher up!

But it sounds like your parents have set you up for a lifetime of being low priority - I agree with you that if I was coming to my child's house on their birthday I would not arrange to have lunch without them, that's just bloody weird!!

However, they have done that and they are refusing to change from Wetherspoons because that's what they like - so I'd pull out of joining them for lunch at this point.

I also wouldn't go all out to make dinner for everyone on your actual birthday AND I wouldn't give a shiny shit if your Dad doesn't like pizzas or takeaway meals - he doesn't give a shiny shit that you don't like the local Wetherspoons, does he, so why should you care so much? Yes, tit for tat, but why put yourself out so much for people who don't do it for you?

If I were you at this point I'd make arrangements to see someone else on your actual birthday, if you can - anyone you can meet up with for lunch somewhere you actually like? - and let your parents get on with it.

Treat Friday as a non-birthday day - sounds like it's not going to be much fun anyway - and have your birthday on Saturday instead.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 27/02/2019 23:27

Ha, I realise my last 2 paragraphs are totally contradictory! What I meant was treat Saturday as a family birthday day, but do what you want to on Friday (your actual birthday).

BackforGood · 27/02/2019 23:29

We are going out on the Saturday because as my step kids are here I said Inwould ask like to invite my kids as it felt a bit weird going for a meal with my step kids and not my kids as well and my daughter could only get the sat night off not the fri.

So you are a normal, grown up, who understand that 'the actual day' isn't always the day you get to celebrate your birthday on, particularly when you are trying to accommodate other people. Why then, do you think it is odd that your parents might be doing the same thing, in meeting their friends - finding the date that suits all 4 (or more?) of them, and not discounting a day "because it is my long term adult dd's birthday that day". Can you not see that would just be a weird reason for your parents to rule out a date with their friends ??

Original poster
PooleySpooley · 27/02/2019 23:32

@ThumbWitchesAbroad
Yes that is me...

And yeah maybe you are right, I had never thought about it like that.

We do have weird dynamics, my sister is a massive priority (but not a very nice person and bullies my parents).

I have thought I might go (my dad wants me to) but invite my friend who knows my parents but will be a bit of an allie for me!!

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 27/02/2019 23:36

That sounds a good plan, and you can have a reasonable sized lunch and then DH and step kids can pick up pizzas on their way home. Maybe have some salad, cheese etc in as well, so you can have a picky tea (and wine!)

TakenForSlanted · 27/02/2019 23:36

Seriously?

FWIW, I think I last had anything along the lines of a birthday celebration the year I turned 20. By which I mean my friends picked the pub and arranged for note friends to also turn up. I'm 36.

These days it's more like work a 16h day, deal with tax returns after finally making it home, remember at 11pm that it's technically my birthday and then getting upset that my father has forgotten yet again.

Welcome to adulthood, where nobody seems to do birthdays anymore. It's okay, though, others have survived it. Grin

ineedaholidaynow · 27/02/2019 23:39

Taken it's not always a race to the bottom.

Sounds as if life can be quite tough at times for OP and for once it might be nice if she was higher up the list of priorities, especially on her birthday.

Pinkbells · 27/02/2019 23:39

You're mad, inviting yourself somewhere you don't want to go - especially as it's your birthday. And they will probably feel pressured to try to make the lunch special for you instead of just getting together for a natter. Why not leave them to it and take yourselves off for lunch, then meet up again later and save the celebrations for the planned next day meal?

timeisnotaline · 27/02/2019 23:39

Good pick thumbwitches. It does feel like there are always reasons for you to pick up your dhs slack op. Yes he has a problem job for together time , yes he has children, but so do lots of people - this one is in a relationship with you and that has to mean something? What does he do for you? What do you expect him to do for your birthday? Card and present? Thoughtful and kind all day? A poke in the eye with a burnt stick?