Pick your wife or your son.

[reallythatsyoursolution]

DH has been given the above ultimatum, DSS won't visit while I'm around. Ex wants us to split as I'm upsetting DSS by my mere existence.
Should I make myself scare at the weekends and stay with friends to let DH see his son in our house, have an overnight stay etc.
Or should I stand my ground ground in my home, the house is big enough not to be in each other's pockets.
Currently DH is seeing DSS out of the house about 3/4 times a week.
DSS is approaching a teen.
Been together 10+ years. Was not the OW.
I have posted about this earlier, but wanted some guidance on if I'm being obstructive by being in my house. I want to rebuild the relationship with DSS, but don't want to force the relationship. I can't make him like me, I know that.
DH and I going through IVF so need support from him too.
(Obviously I know DSS's mum is BU, just what should I do not to damage the relationship with DSS, further)

How old is DSS?

Mumsnet hates step parents - just a heads up.
I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I think this is ultimately your DH's decision and you have to be prepared that he might not pick you. Disappearing every second weekend just isn't feasible in the long run, especially if you're planning on having kids.

It's so so hard with DSC. So hard. People don't talk enough about how so incredibly difficult and stressful it is. You're meant "blend" the family and "love them as if they're your own" and make space for them and take them in. No one talks about when that just doesn't work. And often when it gets to the not working part you're too far in to the adult/married relationship to just walk away.

If it was a relatively new relationship and the dss was young I would have said either split up or be somewhere else.

As it’s been 10 years and the dss is clearly old enough to realise what a brat he is being, I would stand firm.

You can’t leave every time he comes round, especially when you have a baby if your own.

Sounds like the ex wife is currently loving this situation too

Why is he feeling like this after all these years? (No judgement)

What prompted the breakdown in the relationship between you two?

If you're a reasonable step mum (ie generally do your best, are nice to dss) your DH would be a fucking mug to pander to ultimatums like this. Kids shouldn't be given that kind of power over their parents. It's not healthy. What's the root cause of DSs dislike of you? Is it something he can articulate? Might it be that he'd like to spend more one on one time with his dad? It could definitely be a solution for you to take a step back for a while, let DH take dss out on his own, if not too inconvenient perhaps arrange to stay with family or friends one weekend night a month or something so they get an extended period of time together. It would be absolutely ludicrous to split if you're otherwise happy together though! The DSs needs to be told in no undertain terms that this is not a decision he gets to make. I understand your DH will be fearful of a relationship breakdown with his son, and that may well happen in the short term, but it would be more damaging in my opinion to allow DSs this kind of power of veto of his dad's personal life!

Why start another thread when the first one on this was just on Sunday? I don't think you're going to get different answers (which were pretty much all on your side - rightly). And if I remember rightly you have already offered to make yourself scarce at home which your DH - also rightly - said is not on.

The ex wife is stirring shit. Your DSS isn't suddenly after all these years coming out with stuff off his own volition.

Is this really about him not liking you or just using you as ammunition to get his own way and keep some control over his DF?

It's so so hard with DSC. So hard. People don't talk enough about how so incredibly difficult and stressful it is. You're meant "blend" the family and "love them as if they're your own" and make space for them and take them in. No one talks about when that just doesn't work. And often when it gets to the not working part you're too far in to the adult/married relationship to just walk away.

As a stepdad, I can't agree more. I'm amazed how often I read on here about it being easy, like we just turn up one day into a 'ready made' life and get to play 'happy families'.

It's really hard work integrating and filling a role without the natural emotional bond of a biological parent. The expectation that you will 'love them as your own' is huge pressure and the guilt you feel when you don't is ongoing (I'm sure I'll be shot down and told I'm a terrible person but is it actually possible to love a stepchild in the same way as a biological one?)

Throw in the fact that you are expected to support them, both morally and financially, but are still seen as the 'outsider' doesn't exactly make it an easy ride.

If I were you, I'd stand my ground, it's your house and it's not unreasonable that your husband move on with his life and be happy and his son will ultimately need to accept that.

I wish I could offer more/better advice but sending you best wishes and I hope you manage to find a resolution.

OP I've read your other posts and can't offer Abu advice, but in the circumstances I funny think you should have to leave your home. Your DH has been giving him lots of 121 time already. I think family counselling is the only option let, initially just father and son , to try and get to the root of this

Here's the original thread if anyone wants it

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3516281-to-think-this-is-not-a-realistic-solution-to-a-problem

Pretty clear the DSS was fine with the OP until very recently and it's clear that the ex-wife is at the root of it.

OP, sorry I haven't seen your other posts. Can I just ask why you tink your relationship needs rebuilding? That may help some of us give you better advice/support.

You're in an impossible situation here. I'm not clear who gave the ultimatum - the ex-wife or the son? Possibly a bit of both. Whichever way you slice it, it's not right that you're expected to not be around when he visits.

Hubby needs to give the son and his wife the answer that he is not prepared to choose between you and remind him that they are being unreasonable. Sorry for you.

It seems to me that the IVF is the problem.

Have you talked about having a baby with your DSS. He is probably deeply fearful about his place with his Dad if his Father has a new baby he actually lives with.

The gap between them would be too large for your DSS to get any meaningful sibling relationship out of it so can probably only see the negative on the situation.

Has your DH asked your DSS what he would think if DH suddenly said DSS wasn't to see his best friends any more?

Being a step parent is the hardest thing I have ever done. When my DSD was around 13 (before I married DH) she decided to do this and said she wouldn't come round while I was still on the scene. DH told her that it made him sad that was how she felt and he really hoped he'd change her mind but that she didn't get to tell him what to do with his life. She came around in time and within 6 months was living with us full time (another story). 8 years later DSD and I are closer than ever and she still lives with us full time (as does DSS). But we have our moments and as PP said you are expected to support them emotionally, financially and morally yet you do not have the same voice for rules and opinions. It is tough. But in my opinion if you leave your home every other week, overnight you are not going to help the situation long term. By all means have your own stuff planned and give them space but don't disappear. if you are going to have kids you need to try to get this situation sorted before the baby comes along. x

Stand your ground. Stay.

He shouldn’t do either. He should tell his ex to stop being such a shit stirrer and should sit his son down and get to the route cause of why he feels uncomfortable/doesn’t want to visit.

Unless you’re step mother from hell, I bet it’s an amalgamation of a number of factors - mainly his mother’s dripfeeding - that is projected on you.

If she continues to be difficult, gather evidence of her interference and take it to court.

Hope you get it sorted OP, it will pass.

I saw in your other thread you weren't looking at DH taking it to court because of DSS's age. Usually I would say don't bother at that age but in this instance I think mediation, and court if it doesn't work, are necessary so that someone points out to his ex how serious parental alienation is. Also, she's been very unfair restricting holidays and that shouldn't be the case.

Horrible situation OP. I would think less of a man who would pick his wife over his child, and would worry about what sort of a man he would be if he did that.
That said, splitting up just because a child dislikes you would be so extreme, and I would personally exhaust every other option to avoid that happening. Is there any room to compromise?

Having speed read the previous thread it sounds as if the ex is dripping poison in her son’s ear. Does your DH have a set amount of custody? If so I don’t think it’s acceptable for the mother to take the DSS out of school when it’s Dad’s pick up time, for the DSS to be sick or busy every time counselling is arranged etc.

It sounds like the ex is really pushing boundaries all the time and is now making demands via the DSS. Time to push back. It is not reasonable to have to leave your house overnight just so the DSS will visit; it’s your home and you and DH are a partnership. While you both keep giving into the ex’s demands they will become more and more unreasonable. Where will it end? When she moves in with you?

DH also needs to take advice on the ex turning his DSS against you both.

Your h's ex is totally out of order and this is all her fault. So she, your h and your dss have never lived together as a family? She's barking.

You and your dh need to stand firm. Present a united front. Tell your h's ex to back off and start being an adult, that you have been together 10 years and she has no right to interfere in your relationship.

Your h needs to sit down with his son and tell him that you and he are together and you love him, he's welcome in your house, BUT you will not be moving out or disappearing so he can visit. He needs to get his head around that. He doesn't get to dictate to you. Ridiculous.

He may decide not to visit for a while. That's up to him. Your h's ex wants control. Don't give it to her.

Might be an idea to make an appt with a solicitor and see where you stand legally. Soon your dss will be old enough to deicde legally whether or not he wants to visit you.

Thing is, if someone is being manipulative and unreasonable like your h's ex, there is NO reasoning with them. You can bend over backwards and do everything they want, but her demands will just get more and more mad, and that's no good for you.

You need to stand up to her and show her you won't take any more of her shit.

I’m not sure what to say to you, to be honest. You seem to name change every other week, yet never post anything other than about the problem of your step son, not take any advice then post again a week later. In previous posts you seem to suggest he has behaviour problems - would you care to elaborate on that?

I think you should stick to your first thread OP. No point having two the same.