Pick your wife or your son.

[reallythatsyoursolution]

DH has been given the above ultimatum, DSS won't visit while I'm around. Ex wants us to split as I'm upsetting DSS by my mere existence.
Should I make myself scare at the weekends and stay with friends to let DH see his son in our house, have an overnight stay etc.
Or should I stand my ground ground in my home, the house is big enough not to be in each other's pockets.
Currently DH is seeing DSS out of the house about 3/4 times a week.
DSS is approaching a teen.
Been together 10+ years. Was not the OW.
I have posted about this earlier, but wanted some guidance on if I'm being obstructive by being in my house. I want to rebuild the relationship with DSS, but don't want to force the relationship. I can't make him like me, I know that.
DH and I going through IVF so need support from him too.
(Obviously I know DSS's mum is BU, just what should I do not to damage the relationship with DSS, further)

DH and I have spoken to anyone about trying for a baby. It's not really anyone else's decision. DSS has has had resentment for us both, but has softened to DH but not to me yet.
Family counseling has been attempted however ex has always been obstructive. We are however continuing with this.
I know DSS's mother bad mouths me, and asks dSS for a blow by blow description of events when he is with me. So what ever I do is over critiqued, I'm damned if I do or if I don't. This week I was being berated for not texting DSS, when I had been warned to stay away from him. But apparently me being respectful and not getting in contact was the wrong thing.
Generally DSS struggles when all the attention is on him, this is evident when we are around friends/family he won't interact with children his own age but cling to DH. Also to the point that his mum states one of the reasons DSS won't stay is because DH shares a room with me and not DSS. Our current state of affairs and how DH handles it is this - are you coming this weekend? Is she there, yes. Well no I'm not. Ok son, that's really sad, we'd both like to see you.

It's easy to blame the poisonous ex but you say you've been together 10 years and this is only a recent problem?

Nah I'm not buying the evil Ex.

I reckon the ivf is behind this. If exw has heard, it is likely she will be dropping comments that mess with his insecurities.
Dh needs to talk to him. You need to do what you always have as leaving the house panders to her demands. Dh doesn't need to tell him you are there when he picks up, just welcome him and carry on doing your thing. Once he realises that baby or not, he is still a very important part of your life, he may come round. As a kid of divorced and warring parents, it is tough to like the step parent without seeking disloyal.

I would go to a parenting coach for advice. It sounds like you will prob need longer term advice - you can find some that you can book ad hoc sessions. Ask them what to do - they are likely to discuss all the dynamics of relationships and give lots of advice. Its interesting that its got to this point - I suspect the mother might know about the IVF and is causing more problems? Or your hubby is letting the son be in charge so he's not put his foot down about many things?

@PBo83 you sound like a very decent stepdad, just incase no one has ever told you 💪 keep doing what you're doing!

I can't be doing with abbreviations.

If your step son is being coached/influenced by his mum to dislike you, then your husband has to keep reinforcing that you are not an ogre, and at some point insist that he tries.

Personally (I'm a man) I would like to think I would support my wife in this sort of situation, especially as you weren't involved in the break up.

Having said that, your OH son is approaching a teen, and you have been together for over 10 years, so your husband didn't stick around long with his new baby, did he? I can see why his ex doesn't think too kindly of him.

How could they possibly know about the ivf??

12 year old are not stupid. You keep wanting him dropped because of the ivf.

It’s not nasty ex it’s ex protecting her son who’s feeling pushed out by oh the hilarity nasty step mum.

All the name changes in the world won’t cover your sins op.

A 12 year old is upset because you are sharing a room with his dad and not him?

I can’t see that happening

If a 12 year old wants to sleep with his dad, what the hell is wrong with that?

Why wouldn't your dh do that? My dh would. And obviously I wouldn't have a problem with that, why would i.?

It sounds like dss is jealous of you, but also that you are jealous of him.

Some bizarre responses here. Projecting?

chillpizza! ??? That blows judgemental responses out of the water! I can not get my head around some peoples responses on this thread! Hubblebubbletripletrouble, spot on. If you are that aggressive in a response to a stranger on a MN post, what kind of issues must you have yourself. I think women or men that have been on the receiving end of a not so pleasant ex wife will understand the poster completely. If you dont sympathise and defend clearly outrageous behaviour, you got to ask yourself why.

Some people here with major issues, I think.