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To think this is not a realistic solution to a problem.....

(28 Posts)
reallythatsyoursolution Sun 24-Feb-19 06:55:02

Basically DSS has developed an issue with me. We had a good relationship for years, but as he approaches a teenager, he has begun to resent me. Blames me for stealing his dad. Thinks I pick on him. DSS is now refusing to visit our home. DH has been trying to make inroads to the situation, seeing DSS without me, but it's getting to the point where he doesn't feel he can parent him from a coffee shop. I've offered to stay away for a couple of weekends to give them time, but DH doesn't feel that's right and is giving in to his demands. DSS's mother has basically given DH an ultimatum either pick your wife or your son. Your son will never be happy as long as your married to her.....so if you want a relationship with your child you'll need to divorce her.,AIBU to think this is utterly nuts, cruel and heartbreaking. What am I meant to do from here?!

SleepingStandingUp Sun 24-Feb-19 06:57:21

Of course it's heartbreaking but your DH is a grown man and you can't stop him from leaving if that's what he wants to do.

How long have you been together?

user1474894224 Sun 24-Feb-19 07:01:02

Wow. Ex W is a nutcase. That is crazy. She should not be running you down like that. Co-parenting kids requires all adults working together. You are part of dad's life. Everyone needs to accept that.

CuriousaboutSamphire Sun 24-Feb-19 07:03:57

You aren't meant to do anything.

Your DH is supposed to talk with his ex and tell her that her demands are ludicrous and that it is plain to see why his son has taken against you. She is being a totally shite parent and her son deserves better!

He also needs to speak to his son plainly, a 10 - 12 year old is wholly capable of a more adult conversation. He needs to stop avoiding the issue and talk to his son about how he acts towards you, what his mum has said (edited a bit) and to ask him plainly what it is he wants to happen. Keep on talking, let his son feel that his voice is being properly heard!

Ohtherewearethen Sun 24-Feb-19 07:04:15

Oh how dreadful! What a crappy situation for everybody. What on earth has prompted your step son's new reaction towards you? Could it be his mother putting ideas into his head? She cannot dictate who your husband is married to and actually neither can your stepson. Teenage years are only temporary and your husband and his son's relationship will change as he grows up anyway. I can't believe it has got to the point of suggesting divorce! I don't know what the solution is but I hope you can find one. All the best.

RhiWrites Sun 24-Feb-19 07:06:19

Has DH tried family counselling?

I think this would be for him and his dad to do together. It sounds as though they need to talk meaningfully about the divorce and his new relationship in a safe space?

FinallyHere Sun 24-Feb-19 07:34:15

* for stealing his dad*

Might he have a case?

swingofthings Sun 24-Feb-19 07:46:46

It doesn't ha e to be all together as a happy family or sitting for a few minutes at a cafe. There's a lot he can do, at least at a start in between and what his son would probably like most is to do a fun activity together.

I suspect you dss is blaming you indirectly rather then as you being the problem. What he wants is quality time with his dad, bonding through planning things, sharing fun memories etc... He is probably begging for his dad to suggest se thing like it and go on with it even if he pretends he is not interested.

My teenage.oy does the same, I'll suggest doing something together and hell respond very assertively that he isn't interested, but when I insist (not at the time or he gets defensive) but other various occasions, he goes along with it and then of course has a great time, and then goes on and on a out the things that we did. He will then revert to 'I'm not bothered'

Could they plan a short break together?

smallereveryday Sun 24-Feb-19 07:48:56

No ! He might not.

When people start suggesting that a child who is obviously being manipulated by his mother - dictate his fathers marital status. The world has gone mad.

Absolutely not OP. If anything you and your husband need an even more united front. Now is the time to make it absolutely crystal clear that no one interferes in your marriage.

And yes to family counselling for DH and his DS . To find out where this has really come from .

flumpybear Sun 24-Feb-19 07:52:56

Sounds like ex wife is facilitating the child's behaviour when she should be reinforcing the adult situation, people move on in live but he still loves his child

If the show were in the other foot would she leave her new husband ?

Unless you're being a terrible step mum of course then you need to leave them to build their bridges

Barbarafromblackpool Sun 24-Feb-19 07:56:54

Your husband needs to tell his son he loves him and will continue to want to see him, but he's married to you. That he'll always be there for him. Hopefully the son will eventually come round and your idea to keep your distance (but not at your inconvenience) will work.
Sounds like your husband needs to firm up a bit. You can be a loving parent without being dictated to by a teenager.
I'd be inclined to laugh in the ex wife's face tbh.

GunpowderGelatine Sun 24-Feb-19 07:58:54

My god YANBU, ultimatums don't work IRL it's not the movies FGS! And don't be leaving your home either, you're not a pet your DSS is allergic to and has robber removed when he's over.

reallythatsyoursolution Sun 24-Feb-19 08:18:05

DH has done nothing but reinforce the love he feels for his son. There was no messy divorce as DSS was the product of a short lived relationship. DH has taken DSS away alone, but he wants us all to holiday together. He has booked counseling numerous times for DSS to be sick, busy or not interested. I've been with DH 10+ years I can't get my head around the woman I hosted in my home last Christmas, so DSS got a 'family Christmas' is suggesting this. I'm utterly gobsmacked

GunpowderGelatine Sun 24-Feb-19 08:35:38

Hang on - you cooked for his ex so DSS could have a family Christmas?

I feel sorry sorry for this lad who is obviously struggling with his family dynamics, but why are your feelings being tossed aside at the expense of his?

reallythatsyoursolution Sun 24-Feb-19 08:49:52

Yes - last year we asked him what he wanted and he said. For us all to be together. She came to us Christmas Eve and stayed til Boxing Day ..... fml

ClashCityRocker Sun 24-Feb-19 09:01:05

It seems odd that this is only rearing it's head now after a decade of being together - if I understand correctly, he can't have had much experience of living with this dad.

Is there something specific that has set this off?

PinkHeart5914 Sun 24-Feb-19 09:18:08

Are you sure there is nothing that happened? I mean even telling him off when he was in the wrong could of caused this, pre teens are weird and not being the parent is a tough one.

Maybe Mum has been saying things? I just think someone that gives that kind of ultimatum is a bit spiteful so she could well be the problem here

I don’t want the soloution is but your dh needs to think of one, or the relationship with his son could be damaged for good

swingofthings Sun 24-Feb-19 09:31:55

DH has taken DSS away alone, but he wants us all to holiday together
So they used to go away together but now he suddenly says to his son that it's all together or no holidays and doesn't understand why his son's feels he is putting you before him?

How does he reinforces the love he has for his son?

Didiusfalco Sun 24-Feb-19 09:37:12

You had her to stay over Christmas and now she’s treating you like shit? God, you’re a saint! Stand firm, dh can reassure dss of his love, but you are his wife and going nowhere. Honestly it will do dss no favours to think he has the power to control his dads marriage. He needs boundaries to feel secure, this will give him none.

reallythatsyoursolution Sun 24-Feb-19 09:37:47

Nothing has happened to my knowledge. We've never had a big holiday together (his mother hasn't allowed it) but lots of short breaks either with or without me. Or as a group with friends ......

JustTwoMoreSecs Sun 24-Feb-19 09:39:45

The mum must have said something to him, he wouldn’t just act like this after 10y...

Chickychoccyegg Sun 24-Feb-19 09:53:04

it would be madness to even consider splitting up because dss mum said you should, has she desided she has feelings for your dh and wants you out the way?
she's obviously been putting idea's into dss head for this to be happening now, when dss doesnt really know any different.
dh is going to have to be firm here and make sure he has your back, he can reassure dss that he loves him and wants to spend time with him, but they can't just be hanging out in coffee shops all day or expecting you to stay out the way.

kbPOW Sun 24-Feb-19 10:02:00

What a nightmare. It sounds like your H's ex has far too much power and influence over the situation and no wonder you're angry having had her to stay in your home.

It's a tricky one. Your H needs to find his balls and stand up to ex. I would suggest he goes to mediation with her with a view to going to court swiftly if she doesn't stop manipulating. It would also give ex the opportunity to air any genuine concerns. The risk is that doing this means that she ramps up the pressure on DSS and things could get worse.

Is she jealous of you? Did she have a bad reaction to staying with you? It's really poor behaviour on her part.

reallythatsyoursolution Sun 24-Feb-19 20:40:35

I'm not sure if she's jealous. But there is definitely some angst there. She's prone to making unrealistic demands to DH and generally just being difficult. Not home when DH drops DSS off etc.

reallythatsyoursolution Mon 25-Feb-19 07:50:44

DH always reassures that he loves him, is really flexible when he can see him, is very involved in his sport, shows a genuine interest always takes him to training/games etc.
DH hasn't stopped taking DSS away alone, went away for the weekend in the past 6 months. But he can't just go indefinitely taking him away without me, there are times when he wants me to be included.
DH has always supported DSS, never been an absent father and tried to maintain regular contact, but his mum moves the goal posts.
He texts him daily, doesn't get any response.
He is on a wait list for mediation, but general opinion has been that no point in court as if DSS doesn't want to come to our home, court wouldn't force it.
DH and I have a solid relationship and in no way is he considering leaving me.
DSS gets really upset at the thought of coming to ours. DH has basically told them that he needs to start coming. But his mum won't force him. For example she'll take him out of school when DH is waiting at the school gate for him.

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