Pick your wife or your son.

[reallythatsyoursolution]

DH has been given the above ultimatum, DSS won't visit while I'm around. Ex wants us to split as I'm upsetting DSS by my mere existence.
Should I make myself scare at the weekends and stay with friends to let DH see his son in our house, have an overnight stay etc.
Or should I stand my ground ground in my home, the house is big enough not to be in each other's pockets.
Currently DH is seeing DSS out of the house about 3/4 times a week.
DSS is approaching a teen.
Been together 10+ years. Was not the OW.
I have posted about this earlier, but wanted some guidance on if I'm being obstructive by being in my house. I want to rebuild the relationship with DSS, but don't want to force the relationship. I can't make him like me, I know that.
DH and I going through IVF so need support from him too.
(Obviously I know DSS's mum is BU, just what should I do not to damage the relationship with DSS, further)

I don't think you should allow them to dictate what you can/cant do in your I home! Yes you should be in the house. Get your ivf going and when the baby arrives I' m sure the step son will start to warm to you and his new sibling. Let him hold the baby and feed him/her. He will love the baby.

Definitely don’t leave the house! It’s your home. Your DH is HIS dad but your home isn’t his. As hard as it is for DSS, he has to learn that and learn it fast since he may have a new half sibling to share his dad with. What then? You and the baby pack up and leave for the weekend? Of course not. I agree with other PPs, he may be influenced by Xwifes bitterness. It seems the only answer at the moment is for DH to continue giving DSS 121 time on neutral ground. Maybe once a new baby comes along he will come round to seeing he will need to fit in to the new family dynamic, not have the universe revolve around him. This will also prepare him for the real world!

family counselling.

I have had a read of your other thread

I know that DH and DSS have been away together in last 6 months, but can they yo away again together soon?

Maybe stay in a youth hostel and go walking or something

Something that gives them an opportunity to spend proper time together and to talk about what us really going on for DSS .

DH could also ask DSS in what way the weekend would have been different/worse if you were not there

What was the contact arrangement before things changed?
Did he used to stay over weekends?

It might be that at 11/12 he is just bored at your house and using you as an excuse to stay at mums/home with all his stuff and near his friends?

Seems very strange after 10 years. For me it would depend on whether the son actually has something to be arsey about it not.

Don't go on any holiday with them ATM. Too intense. Do go on any trips he may have enjoyed without him. Do make yourself scarce some weekends, but not regularly. Back off but be friendly if you have any contact. Leave discipline to his dad, but don't tolerate rudeness. His dad should take him out, away for a weekend or holiday but not all the time. Mediation a good idea. He will grow out of it. It's a complete pain.

I have to challenge the immature comment that "mumsnet doesn't like step parents." Mumsnet is a group of people of both genders all with their own opinions. Some step parents are fabulous. Some are shit. Same as with biological and adoptive parents.

OP I would hold off on the IVF unless you are sure your dh will chose you (but then I'd reconsider having the father of my child as someone who could walk away from his child) or that you will be okay to parent alone.

It's his job to sort this. Either the ex is stirring or the child is more upset about the possibility of a new baby than you have realised.

A heart to heart between dh and dss is required. Your dh needs to level with his son that this is an unreasonable request. It is your home op.
Dss can either continue to see dh outside the home or dss comes to your home and accept respectfully that you may or may not be there.
If he chooses the latter I would make plans for those weekends to enjoy yourself with friends. Least of all because I would not want to spend my spare time feeling uncomfortable.

That said, it is important you are kind and welcome to dss, keep persevering and keep in mind he is being poisoned, and he is a victim of all this bad feeling as well. It must be awful for him to be caught up in this toxic mess, and see his childhood damaged life this.
Dss will soon be of an age that he will be able to see this for what it is. If you have been nothing but kind to him, you wlll be able to look him in the eye as an adult and say you truly did your best.

The IVF possibility of a new sibling, how does your DSS feel about this?

I have a preteen DS - if he hated my DH (his step dad) to the extent that he didn’t want to be in the same house and this was sustained over any period of time, then I would choose DS every single time.

I have a lot of friends with blended families, and I think this is quite an extreme situation. Even if the ex is trying to poison the child against you, surely a child this age wood have enough sense to know it? I have read your other threads too and can’t help wondering if there is a back story

*would not wood

I have to challenge the immature comment that "mumsnet doesn't like step parents."

Sorry but I disagree and even posted a while back to prove this point. I put exactly the same posts on AIBU about my “DD” and on the Stepparenting thread about my “DSD”. The responses were vastly different.
When I said it was my DD I got helpful, kind advice. When I posted saying it was “DSD” I was accused of hating her, being resentful and all of her issues were down to me.

On Mumsnet the general mantra is that all kids with stepparents are suffering and should be treated with kid gloves. It’s ridiculous (and I say that as someone who grew up with stepparents, a mother of a child with a SM, and as a SM myself).

@lavenderbluedilly it depends why the child has decided to hate the stepparent. If it is baseless and bread through emotional manipulation from the other parent, then no I wouldn’t pick my child over my partner. I would try my very best to resolve the situation but I certainly would not give up my spouse of 10yrs because my child was jealous / resentful of them.

What’s to say even if this child’s dad does leave the OP that he won’t do it again to any new partner and admit he’s wrong further down the line... at which point and happy marriage will have been broken down and gone.

I have a friend who at aged 11 convinced her dad and social services that her stepmum was abusive to her. Dad had nrrn married to her for 6 years and SM had recently given birth to twins. SM in the end left voluntarily because she was scared of any accusations that my friend might make it future. It broke their marriage and resulted in her twin brothers now having separated parents too.
When she was about 16 she admitted to her dad she’d made the whole thing up and she felt horrendous guilt about it. Her SM is a very kind and forgiving woman and they have now built a nice relationship for the sake of her younger brothers. However the marriage was wrecked... SM cannot ever forget that her husband believed she was capable of these things.

Kids can lie, be manipulative and take grudges for no reasons. It happens.

I have been the step child in this situation, I can tell you my feelings about my step mum were all because my Mum slagged her off to high heaven at me/in my presence, and made me feel shit for 'liking' her. She was the OW, so there was intense anger and bitterness from my mum but this was projected on to the children, as a result, we felt we had to dislike her to stay loyal to our mum.

It's shit for the children, it really is. He may well feel he 'has' to dislike you because his mum is making it plainly obvious this is what she wants.

Of course you shouldn't leave your house. However, letting yourself believe that his attitude towards you is purely fuels by the ex is very naive.

Kids don't go from being happy with a SM to wanting nothing to do with her just because their mum, suddenly or not particular reason, decide to go on a hate campaign, certainly not at that stage. If anything, pre-teens are more Likely to defend the person they like and is being attacked.

What is much more likely is that there have been issues brewing but they didn't have the courage to say anything about it until they get to that age of assertiveness when they suddenly decide they do have a choice.

What should be the priority is for your oh to get his ds to open up about his reasons for wanting nothing to do with you and then discuss with you these reasons to see whether there is anything you'd be prepared to change or not and what he can tell his son he'll just have to accept.

I can see your points, however I really couldn’t envisage my own child behaving like this for no reason, unless he had a genuine reason for it. Therefore I would always choose my DS over my DH. But I suppose every situation is different.

Presuming your DSS has no real reason to dislike you, then no you should not stay away from your own home. I think your husband needs to have a serious talk with his son, where he is told that although he loves him, you are his wife and he loves you too. Your husband needs to make it very clear that you are not the reason why he isn't still in a relationship with his mum and go from there. I think it's important that your DSS has some time on his own with his dad, as that happens even when parents are together, but that some time is also spent with all 3 of you together.

Do you have any idea why your DSS dislikes you?

Of course you mustn't leave your home because the ex is stoking the fire of discontent. She sounds awful what a shame her son can't see through her but he will in time.

Carry on living your life in your home don't let a crazy ex force you out.

Your dss should be able to talk to your dh about this himself, explain how he feels and come to a solution together (which considers your feelings too). Your dh needs to keep working on this until that happens. If your dss can talk to you dh and feel heard and understood and involved in a resolution, then the ex can't really exert any power and you can actually sort this out.

Of course you shouldn’t move out but from the very many similar threads you’ve posted recently, albeit under several names, your marriage and your relationship with your stepson are in big trouble and you’re constantly looking for validation which arrives or not dependent on the particular example you give.

A couple of weeks ago you told your husband your SS was a little shit or something along those lines. He said he hoped the ivf failed. Then you wanted your SS to not come over for a weekend as you were waiting on the results. For months there have been ugly conflicts over time your husband is scheduled to spend with his son and ivf appointments or you feeling you need extra support and him not being there for you. They all end with you ranting about how evil SS mum is and the stress of her abusive messages and how you can’t take any more.

She might be a total nutter. Your SS might be a complete brat. Your DH might be a spineless uncaring wanker. But let’s not pretend any of the drama is new as it’s been going on for months if not a year plus and the whole set up is clearly toxic for everyone involved. I really feel for you but you’re being pretty disingenuous to be honest, none of this has come out of the blue, he’s obviously a very unhappy child and the atmosphere in your home must be awful as you and your husband don’t stop tearing strips off each other!

This sounds tough for you OP. What’s happened between you for him to be so hostile towards you?

This often comes up that kids don't have reasons for expressing such extreme demands (that they won't come to a house where an adult is present) but my experience is that there is always a reason. Whether it is one we don't know, that we don't understand or don't agree with.

Who does things that impacts on them and others in an emotional way for no reasons?

Well he is a shit person if he chooses you over his own child. You either have to understand that, as the adult, you have to be the peacemaker in this situation or risk loosing him/finding out that he isn’t worth having in the first place.

OP you say the house is big enough to keep out of each other's way but you've obviously not been giving your DH space to be with his son on their own. You don't have to be part of everything they do or every conversation they have.
I'm sorry for you that things haven't turned out as you'd hoped but you really must allow your DH time to spend with his son.

Your dh needs to talk to his son, away from the ex and you and find out why he feels this way, and if its the ex putting words in his mouth.

If it's what he thinks, then he needs reassurance that he won't be replaced by another child and can always see his dad.

If it's the ex putting words in his mouth, your dh needs to tell her to sod off and go to court to gain proper access and get permission to take his son on proper holidays not just weekends. I'd guess its more likely this option that will happen.

Did she only find out about the ivf recently, and did the fact of the son not wanting to come over start then? I wouldn't be surprised.