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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pick your wife or your son.

89 replies

reallythatsyoursolution · 26/02/2019 08:24

DH has been given the above ultimatum, DSS won't visit while I'm around. Ex wants us to split as I'm upsetting DSS by my mere existence.
Should I make myself scare at the weekends and stay with friends to let DH see his son in our house, have an overnight stay etc.
Or should I stand my ground ground in my home, the house is big enough not to be in each other's pockets.
Currently DH is seeing DSS out of the house about 3/4 times a week.
DSS is approaching a teen.
Been together 10+ years. Was not the OW.
I have posted about this earlier, but wanted some guidance on if I'm being obstructive by being in my house. I want to rebuild the relationship with DSS, but don't want to force the relationship. I can't make him like me, I know that.
DH and I going through IVF so need support from him too.
(Obviously I know DSS's mum is BU, just what should I do not to damage the relationship with DSS, further)

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 26/02/2019 11:42

He doesn't need to choose, he can have contact with son at home or outside, tho prob nor 3x a week! Dc may be upset about possibility of sibling, but cannot rule the roost completely

Catinthetwat · 26/02/2019 12:07

Op you may feel like you want dh to choose you, as this has become a battle. But in reality, no parent should put their partner before their child.

That doesn't automatically mean that you need to leave the house every weekend. But a desire for dss to spend time with his dad without you should absolutely be respected. At the same time working on addressing the reasons dss doesn't want you their. Are you and dss fighting over dh?
You will (and should) lose that battle.

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2019 12:28

@GregoryPeckingDuck Well he is a shit person if he chooses you over his own child

Oh do fuck off. This so-called ultimatum hasn't been issued by the son. It's been issued apparently by the ex-wife who has been poisoning his son after 10 years of the son getting on perfectly well with the OP. He would be a shit person if he chooses the whims of his EX-WIFE over his current wife, which is what he would be doing.

swingofthings · 26/02/2019 12:38

Except that the problem is unlikely to be the ex wife, but her only getting upset by what her son is reporting back about OP.

It sounds more like a case of ex anger having grown from her son's feeling from OP rather than the opposite.

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2019 12:46

@swing But OP has always previously got on and accommodated her DSS. There have been no issues until recently and DSS has decided to take a sudden dislike to her and won't visit the house if she is there. That's HIS choice and DH has accommodated that choice by meeting DSS elsewhere even though OP has previously offered to leave her own house on a regular basis to help. The ex-wife has no right to tell her ex-husband of over 10 years that he must choose his son over his wife because DSS has suddenly decided he won't visit the house with her in it. That's ludicrous and it's totally wrong to pander to it.

IF the DSS is talking rubbish to his mother, his mother should discuss it rationally, and find out what the actual issue is with her ex-husband, not issue such a stupid ultimatum which she has no right to do and quite frankly SHE is the bad parent here.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 26/02/2019 13:11

@shantnerswig but to the child that would feel like abandonment and rejection. He can’t control the mother’s actions but he can control his response.

Drogosnextwife · 26/02/2019 13:15

What is the dm doing to be unreasonable?
What changed that your dss doesn't want to be around you if you have been with his dad for 10+ years, so basically dss whole life?
I think those things are important yo know before we can make a judgment.

greendale17 · 26/02/2019 13:18

This so-called ultimatum hasn't been issued by the son. It's been issued apparently by the ex-wife who has been poisoning his son after 10 years of the son getting on perfectly well with the OP. He would be a shit person if he chooses the whims of his EX-WIFE over his current wife, which is what he would be doing.

^This. Stand your ground OP.

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2019 13:18

I posted on your other thread.

Where you the poster who insisted that your DH spend a holiday with your Family and your SS couldn't go?

Did the problem start from then, did you invite them for Christmas before or after?

Is DSS trying to prevent a half-Sibling?

Yesicancancan · 26/02/2019 13:23

You cannot give a 10 year this amount of power, unless of course the truth is it’s the ex manipulating things. It happens sadly that children pick up on bitterness between parents and without realizing it, he could be downplaying how nice you are to please her.

If my husband had considered this seriously then I would conclude we are not strong enough to work things out. Him or you is not being a responsible parent. Understanding his POV is.

Cranky17 · 26/02/2019 13:31

I have a different take, been a step parent and it’s utter rubbish.

I think that you are putting the responsibility on yourself when you haven’t done anything wrong.
You can’t come out of this in a good light which ever choice you make, there are no good options for you.
And by making the choice yourself your are absolving your dh and your dss and ex wife of taking any responsibility for their own actions and also but you being lumbered with the decision it turns then into victims. Along the lines of

Dad says to dss
Dss sorry you can’t come round today as op won’t live the house today so I’m very sorry I won’t be able to see you.. wicked evil step mum

Or dss to dad

I’m not coming round becaus she’s there- again turning you in the typical wicked step mum role.

Either way it causes resentment between you and dh and ds and you.

Let them make the choice...

Dad to dss - are you coming round today.
Dss - is op there?
Dad - yes it’s her home
Dss - no then
Dad - that’s sad but it’s your choice.

Or dh to you... as dss won’t come here I’m going to take him out for the day.

This isn’t a problem you can fix and you haven’t caused so don’t forced into the evil step mum role.

Cranky17 · 26/02/2019 13:31

Unless there is a lot of history and massive back story

gamerchick · 26/02/2019 13:41

I wouldn't start going out on a weekend. When there's a new baby in the mix and you'll not want to tramp the streets with a newborn it'll just re-enforce whatever emotions the bairn has got.

Personally I'd take a step back, let them get on with it but that's as far as I would go. But you might want to shave a rethink about this long term. It's just going to get worse as the bairn hits the teenage years.

justmeandthisstateifmind · 26/02/2019 13:43

I understand this completely OP could of write this myself

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2019 13:49

There’s a big back story but we’re not going to get it on this thread.

AuntieCJ · 26/02/2019 13:53

There’s a big back story but we’re not going to get it on this thread.

Oh a psychic has joined us. Do tell.

Mumshappy · 26/02/2019 14:02

You must stand your ground OP. No child should be given this much power. I think some type of family counselling needs to be considered.

RhiWrites · 26/02/2019 14:15

I suggested family counselling in the previous thread but I don’t think OP addressed this idea.

Catinthetwat · 26/02/2019 14:20

no child should be given this much power

Really? Because they absolutely should have the power to see their parent on their own if that's what they want. And the adults involved should find a way to accommodate this.

Limensoda · 26/02/2019 14:31

It's important your DH spends time with his son but if the son will not be around you then they have to meet up away from your home.
No way should you leave your home to accommodate his son.

Shelbybear · 26/02/2019 15:21

The ex wife sounds a nasty piece of work! Has she been poisoning the child against you or does the child genuinely have problems?

I'm not sure really what to advise. My gut though tells me if you leave to let him stay and you leave etc this sets a precedence that will only get worse. What would happen if you had a new baby, would you and the baby have the leave. Seems utterly ridiculous.

Your husband needs to have a serious chat with the ex wife but if failing that. He needs to speak to his son and try to get him to see sense. Shame really

Mumshappy · 26/02/2019 15:48

Catinthetwat the child in question does see his dad on his own. Should the OP have to stay away from her own home overnight? Would you consider doing this?

Loanhelp · 26/02/2019 15:52

I was the child in this. My mum didn't poison me to my stepmum at all, I just hated her. My father kicked me out when I was 10 (shared custody), and I didn't go back until he left her when I was 16.
He regrets nothing and would do it again if I took against his current wife (a sweetie who I love).

swingofthings · 26/02/2019 16:03

There have been no issues until recently and DSS has decided to take a sudden dislike to her and won't visit the house if she is there
That's what OP is claiming but going by her other threads, it sounds like there were plenty of issues but her dss swallowed it all until he felt he could voice his frustrations and upsets. Kids don't take a sudden dislike on people they care for unless they have a reason. You don't wake up one morning and suddenly dislike someone you were closed to before without a good reason. It is just easier for OP to blame the ex than consider issues in her own home. Not saying she is to blame for everything at all. The point is that energy shouldn't wasted on blame but in trying to understand.

Drogosnextwife · 26/02/2019 16:56

Ok so between yesterday and today you have started 4 threads and 2 of them have been about the exact same thing. Why post it again today?

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