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Original poster

Practical stranger (male) trying to kiss my toddler on the lips

57 replies

Phethsehu · 25/02/2019 18:22

My sister in law has started going out with a new guy. My 3 year old daughter has only met him about 3 times and I've always found him to be a bit intense with her. He doesn't have children but is very hands on with my sister in laws child. When saying goodbye to my daughter when we last saw them he tried to kiss her on the lips. She reacted uncomfortably and turned her head so he kissed her on the cheek. But then he tried again. Again she turned her head and tried to get away. I was so shocked that I didn't fully process this and did not say something at the time, which I now hugely regret. Am I being unreasonable to this is seriously inappropriate behaviour?? Would anyone have any advice on what I could do now so he does not do that again. I feel like texting my sister in law now may lead to too much tension or an argument.

OP posts:
Fabaunt · 25/02/2019 18:25

I would not let him even attempt to kiss her ever again. If she is uncomfortable follow her cue.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 25/02/2019 18:27

Cut contact. If she asks why, tell her the truth.

Singlenotsingle · 25/02/2019 18:28

No one except close family should kiss children on the lips. I'd be very wary of him. Speak to SIL.

SecretProfile · 25/02/2019 18:29

What in the actual F?!!

That is absolutely shocking!!! And before some of you start telling me that I am overreacting and that heaps of family members kiss on the lips - I don't care!! That is gross too.

This is a massive red flag. I would be keeping your child away from him. She didn't want to kiss him so he tried again? He's too intense with her?

Keep her away, contact the police and ascertain if he's got any priors.

AssassinatedBeauty · 25/02/2019 18:29

No you're not being unreasonable. Whatever the reason for it, he ignored your DD's obvious dislike of what he was doing and tried to do it again. And, as well as that, kissing a child on the lips is not something anyone like that should be doing.

I think it's worth saying something to your SIL. Just something along the lines of you and your DD aren't comfortable with his overly familiar behaviour (give the goodbye example), and that you won't be going along with it next time.

Then if you have to see him again, when it's time to leave, pick your DD up and keep her close you. If he asks for a kiss, be prepared to say no she doesn't want to.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 25/02/2019 18:31

Some people do kiss on the lips - personally, like you, I don't like it.

The lips is irrelevant - the point is your daughter doesn't like being kissed on the lips by him, so this is the end of the matter. Unless he's grabbing her and forcibly holding her, surely she's free to duck and dive ? And you need to say "don't do that , Mary hates it!"

Coming right out texting your SIL and making comments is really provocative, its akin to saying 'oi! your new squeeze is pee-do' and that's not going to go down well.

Presume this is your DHs sister? why cant he deal with it?

peanutbutterbanana1 · 25/02/2019 18:32

If you want to see them again then I would watch her the whole time you are there and when leaving say ‘DD doesn’t give kisses, bye’

HK20 · 25/02/2019 18:40

It's concerning enough that he tried to kiss her once, it's a massive red flag that he tried to force a kiss when she made it clear she was uncomfortable.

Are you close with SiL? I'd give her a call and let her know your feelings. Make it clear and she can have a word.
I'd also avoid him for the foreseeable, especially until you get an apology and an acknowledgment that his actions were inappropriate.

ferrymeoff · 25/02/2019 18:41

make sure that he doesn't do that again, also he could have cold sores. herpes. a girls body s her own choice even at three. this sets the stage for later life. My granddaughter (4) is never ever forced to kiss me or her grandad goodbye. It's her choice and I am happy with it whether I get a kiss or not and never on the lips. Some men are stupid and some are very clever. I think your gut instinct is right.

forestdweller11 · 25/02/2019 18:43

Sarahs law?

HJWT · 25/02/2019 19:06

OMG my DM doesn't even kiss DD on the lips 😬

Budsbegginingspringinsight · 25/02/2019 19:12

Ferry sadly your views are few and far between.

MY in laws are all over DC no respect for their boundaries

Steamedbadger · 25/02/2019 19:12

I'm one of those who thinks nobody should kiss babies or young children on the lips, apart from anything else there is the risk of spreading cold sores (sufferers can be infectious without you necessarily noticing a sore).

Budsbegginingspringinsight · 25/02/2019 19:14

Agree anyway OP don't let this Man embarras you and definitely don't leave them alone.

Often these people push boundaries Infront of parents too gage reactions....

Original poster
Phethsehu · 26/02/2019 10:58

Thanks all, I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds this behaviour weird and alarming.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2019 11:03

It needs watching and him telling straight.

How hands on with SILs child is he? The Family might need to step in to protect the child.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 26/02/2019 11:06

I have non-issue with lip kissing per se (we are lip kissers) but his persistence with a toddler he doesn't know shows no respect for norms or for her right to say no. That sets off alarm bells.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2019 11:07

Wow what a dirty bloke. I would not b going there very often. If you do watch it like a hawk and be prepared to speak up for your dd.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2019 11:08

It’s a shame you didn’t say something there and then OP, as it needs addressing.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/02/2019 11:09

He had no boundaries or respect for your dd despite her obvious discomfort

reallyanotherone · 26/02/2019 11:10

If there’s alarm bells, particularly with your sil’s child, i would ask for a claire’s law review.

Neither he or your sil will know it’s been done unless there is a risk.

lmusic87 · 26/02/2019 11:12

That is so weird, I agree - say something next time.

littlemeitslyn · 26/02/2019 11:16

I don't even kiss dgc on the lips !

MRex · 26/02/2019 11:22

I'd be very concerned. Contact him and SIL, tell them you didn't like it but didn't want to discuss it in a rush. 1) Nobody is to try to kiss DD on the lips ever, and 2) if DD doesn't like contact then that contact must stop immediately. How they both react will help you decide about any future contact (which should not be alone with DD).

It's a shame you didn't react immediately, girls should learn than for certain behaviours creating a scene is fine, you being verbal on her behalf would teach her that. Regardless it's good to tell DD now that she did the right thing, should feel comfortable refusing in future and to tell you if anything makes her feel uncomfortable.

How old are SIL's kids?

GregoryPeckingDuck · 26/02/2019 11:28

Kissing children in lips makes my skin crawl. I see it as inherently sexual (it actually is as the lips are an erogenous zone and the exchange of saliva (in those kinds of kisses) is a part of the mate selection process (sonething about DNA compatibility or something). That said I also dislike kissing most people on the cheek but I suppose that’s more a personal preference / hygiene thing.

But some people are used to a quick peck on the mouth as a normal interaction the same as a peck on the cheek. I would suggest talking about it first before jumping conclusions. If he has just been socialised to kissing the mouth he will be suitable embarrassed/apologetic to have upset the two of you and won’t do it again. But if he isn’t remorseful and persists well then you know for sure what’s going on.

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