Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and her mate visiting

62 replies

TurquoiseWeekend · 24/02/2019 21:30

Our first baby is due in a matter of days and DP has just been on the phone chatting to his mum, gets off the call and says "oh mum and "Jane" (changed the name) are coming up the first weekend the baby is here for a visit.
I have no fucking idea who Jane is, which I said to DP (in a nicer way!!) it transpires she's an old friend of his mums, who wants to come for the weekend with with her. They live a good few hours drive away and luckily we don't have the room to have people stay here so they've decided (without talking to us first) that they'll get a hotel.
Am I being really pregnant and unreasonable and hormonal to think that actually, if I have the baby on Thursday or Friday, the first weekend, the baby will be a day or two old, and I'm not sure yet how much I'll feel upto a random friend of MIL's coming to see us, and also, would MIL not prefer to meet her first grandchild without her mate hanging about?
I was imagining being in bed/on the sofa, learning to breastfeed and having close family and friends visit.
When I said this to DP, he was really upset and doesn't seem to think this time is going to be about him supporting me and the baby and said that there are people he wants to meet the baby too.
I have no problem with Jane coming the next time MIL visits, but really? The first time she meets the baby, and the first weekend after baby is here?
I'm prepared to be told I'm being a nasty cow, but it just made me feel weird that they've all just made this decision without discussing jut with me.

OP posts:
Bigonesmallone3 · 24/02/2019 21:37

I'm glad they can't stay with u and I do think it's unreasonable for her to expect u to be so inviting to someone u have never met at such a time in your life.

I would say I'm more than happy for mil to come over (mainly for DPs sake) but unfortunately I'm not up for multiple visitors and especially strangers so on this occasion u will have to come alone..

CalmdownJanet · 24/02/2019 21:37

No way, they are being massively unreasonable! I'd text mil and say "Dh just told me you and Jane are visiting the first weekend baby arrives. I said Jane is for company in the hotel but won't be coming here, dh seems to think she will. Can you settle this? You're surely not bringing a stranger to my home days after I give birth without checking with me or seeing how I am after the birth first are you?"

He needs to give his head a wobble. I love visitors, I don't agree with this new thing of keeping people away for weeks but a random stranger days after I give birth, nopety nope nope

7salmonswimming · 24/02/2019 21:39

Well, yes and no. More yes than no!

Firstly, nobody should be making any decisions without you. But equally, it’s his baby too so you should make decisions jointly.

Secondly, nobody but immediate family should plan to be around the first weekend. It could be dire and awful so totally inappropriate. It could be a walk in the park and actually you might be glad to show off you baby. You leave it open. Don’t make plans assuming this or that.

The random best friend could actually be as dear a person to your MIL as your FIL (if you have one). My mum has two friends like this. It could also be a good way of sharing driving/having a weekend away/having a travel companion.

Your DH is off his rocker if he thinks he gets to unilaterally decide anything, and if he assumes everything will be just perfect. It never is at the time. It only is in hindsight. Especially with the first one!

Congrats and good luck!

timeisnotaline · 24/02/2019 21:42

I think it would be at a minimum reasonable to say if the baby is born Thursday or later, bringing a stranger has to be the weekend after, not whenyou have a 3 day old.
In general you are reasonable. I’d remind your dp that you will have squeezed the baby out, and be bleeding, possibly stitched up. He will he helping you to the bathroom, fetching you tea, cooking and cleaning , changing the babies nappy etc so you don’t have to walk around. You will be completely bare breasted as you try to get the baby to latch, so I’d say if you invite male friends around to meet the baby without my permission baby and me aren’t leaving the bedroom. the hv will be coming round ... has he really thought it through?

Original poster
TurquoiseWeekend · 24/02/2019 21:43

I'm more than happy for MIL to be coming and I'm really excited for her to meet the baby and if I'm not feeling myself, I don't mind not feeling myself in front of her. It's just the bringing along a random (to me) stranger that's got me! I could be on top of the world and really in the mood for it or I could have a horrible time of it and not want to be putting my "friendly people face" on for this woman I've never met. And I just won't know until it's that time.

OP posts:
AdoreTheBeach · 25/02/2019 07:23

Could ie be that Jane is really your MIL new partner? Puts a different spin on things and why Jane may be too invested in joining MIL for this first viewing of baby?

In any event, I wouldn’t want some stranger coming around not expecting me to entertain/host them right after giving birth.

Rather than the previous message suggestions, I’d propose ringing MIL to say DH has just told you about PROPOSED plans and say you’d love for MIL to come see her new GC after baby is born, but as you’re not sure you’ll be up for entertaining guests, rather you’re hoping MIL could help you with household/food/laundry so please plan on bringing jane at a later date. Also let her know you’ll be ever so grateful for help around the house while she’s there. Maybe ask her to make (or bring with her) a particular dish/recipe of MIL that you enjoy. Set the scene early that you’ll not be entertaining and may need help rather than hindrance regarding visitors.

PregnantSea · 25/02/2019 07:29

Does MIL not count as close family to the baby? That's really sad.

I think it's completely reasonable to not want that random woman hanging around though. Maybe when they come up she will just pop in and say hi, and then go and do her own thing and leave MIL there. That's assuming that she's got decent manners and self awareness though lol.

Fiveredbricks · 25/02/2019 07:31

Do some women just forget how exhausted you are the first few weeks of motherhood and how sore and uninterested in visitors most are? Whatever happened to "whenever you're ready let us know when we can visit" 🙄

EvaHarknessRose · 25/02/2019 07:34

I think I would try to handle tactfully and just get dh to say ‘so glad you’re going to be around, be so good to see you and have you meet new baby - we did want to say, please be aware that babies don’t come on schedule and so it might be a bit ‘play it by ear’, and we have no idea how overwhelmed me and Turquoise will be feeling, or how her health will be, so is it ok if we play it by ear about how ‘visitor ready’ we feel, as regards to Jane?’

Hunter037 · 25/02/2019 07:38

They arent staying with you, so its easier to get around it. Jane can go shopping or something while MIL comes to visit you.

PregnantSea · 25/02/2019 07:40

Sorry OP, just seen later messages where you've said you're excited for MIL to be coming around

anniehm · 25/02/2019 07:42

Having a friend with her will be a blessing - mil will visit then leave to entertain her friend. If she was alone you would be kicking her out at bedtime. You may be glad of the help if she's the practical type - home cooked food etc

Mmmhmmm · 25/02/2019 07:44

It is really weird of her to bring a stranger over right after you've given birth.

Daffodil77 · 25/02/2019 07:46

When I said this to DP, he was really upset and doesn't seem to think this time is going to be about him supporting me and the baby

You might need to have a conversation about this more than your MIL's friwnd visiting. His role is supporting you and the baby. He needs to:

  • be gatekeeper for visitors and people generally getting in contact
-makkng sure you are fed and watered. By this I mean bringing one-handed food and drinks regularly without you having to ask.
  • being supportive when you are struggling with breastfeeding
  • passing you the TV remote/drink/book because it's 2 inches out of your reach whilst feeding the baby
  • encouraging you to get out of the house for a 5 min stroll round the block

I'm 8 weeks down the line and for those first 3 weeks at least it is very much about the breastfeeding so your DH will be in a supportive role. It's going to be so important that he is aware and on board with that.

With regards to your MIL's friend. Perhaps they could come together for 30 mins then her friend go. Mil can then stay and help out? Newborns sleep a lot in the first few days so she may just sleep during that 30 mins which would be much easier for you.

loveskaka · 25/02/2019 07:49

This just wouldn't be happening with me! Simple. Seems like the start of a very interfering, "entitled" mother in law! Put you foot dwn now!

Itsnotme123 · 25/02/2019 07:53

Tell “Jane” there’s washing up in the kitchen for her to do !!

I’d be fuming.k

TheSerenDipitY · 25/02/2019 07:56

just be honest and tell him all the nasty shit you will be going thru in the days post birth... baby blues, crying your eyes out over nothing, bleeding like a stuck pig and needing pads the size of adult diapers and leaking breasts with some huge ass pressure behind them that can reach across the room, and that you dont really want some random stranger coming and sitting with you half dressed trying to get the latch right, you shouldnt have to feel uncomfortable in your own home and nor should you have to worry if you move you will have huge blood leakage in front of a random stranger

Nomorepies · 25/02/2019 08:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Iloveacurry · 25/02/2019 08:11

I’d say yes you don’t mind MIL and Jane popping over for a cuppa to meet the baby ... might mean MIL and Jane won’t visit for long (then MIL could change her mind bringing her friend)

GiantButtonsAreMyFave · 25/02/2019 08:16

I'd say no. I had fantastic births (as far as births go) and felt great immediately afterwards but no way would I want my mother in law there nevermind her random mate. I'd have the first week or so just you and your husband, if your mil must meet the baby so soon get her to pop in for an hour one day but no hanging around all weekend and definitely no randoms! If you are trying to breastfeed you'll be sat with your tits out all the time, I wouldn't fancy having people there when you are trying to get the hang of it.

Purplecatshopaholic · 25/02/2019 08:20

If I was Jane, I would be embarrassed to be coming round - we dont know each other and its not for me to be there. If she and your MIL dont get that, I think you need to have a word

Alsohuman · 25/02/2019 08:20

If they’re staying in a hotel, do you even know “Jane” is visiting you? Or wants to? Not everyone finds new babies fascinating.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 25/02/2019 08:27

Ask your husband, if he'd just undergone a medical procedure lasting days, had lost control of his bladder and possibly bowels and was hobbling around everywhere too sore to sit down, with ice round his pants, while suddenly looking after a needy whole new person that he didn't know, getting semi naked (to breastfeed) while a couple of stone more than he thinks he should be, with stained clothes and leaking boobs, snd bursting inti tears every few minutes, 000if he'd think it was a nice time to be introduced to a family friend, that had never been mentioned before but suddenly wanted to meet him when he was the most physically and mentally vulnerable hed felt in his whole life

If he still says he would be happy he's being a complete knob

Of course it might not be as bad as this. It might be fine, but the point is you won't know until the time

There is plenty of time for Mil friend to meet the baby, why does it have to be immediate to the detriment of a new mum

It sounds like he hasn't really thought about how tough the birth and aftermath can be

Birdsgottafly · 25/02/2019 08:34

My Mum's old Friends, I saw as Aunties, is that how your DH feels?

She may be bringing a friend so she doesn't have to over crowd you. She's got someone to go for dinner/shopping with etc.

Jane may say a quick hello and offer to do some shopping.

Don't stress about it, but tell your DH that if you need to sleep he's on visitor duty.

nettie434 · 25/02/2019 08:37

Would it work to say how thoughtful it is of MIL & Jane to stay in a hotel so you don’t have to feel bad about not being up to entertaining and catering for MIL when she visits? Suggest MIL comes for a short visit and then makes the most of her weekend away. Then get date in diary for a few weeks time for proper visit.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.