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Original poster

MIL and her mate visiting

62 replies

TurquoiseWeekend · 24/02/2019 21:30

Our first baby is due in a matter of days and DP has just been on the phone chatting to his mum, gets off the call and says "oh mum and "Jane" (changed the name) are coming up the first weekend the baby is here for a visit.
I have no fucking idea who Jane is, which I said to DP (in a nicer way!!) it transpires she's an old friend of his mums, who wants to come for the weekend with with her. They live a good few hours drive away and luckily we don't have the room to have people stay here so they've decided (without talking to us first) that they'll get a hotel.
Am I being really pregnant and unreasonable and hormonal to think that actually, if I have the baby on Thursday or Friday, the first weekend, the baby will be a day or two old, and I'm not sure yet how much I'll feel upto a random friend of MIL's coming to see us, and also, would MIL not prefer to meet her first grandchild without her mate hanging about?
I was imagining being in bed/on the sofa, learning to breastfeed and having close family and friends visit.
When I said this to DP, he was really upset and doesn't seem to think this time is going to be about him supporting me and the baby and said that there are people he wants to meet the baby too.
I have no problem with Jane coming the next time MIL visits, but really? The first time she meets the baby, and the first weekend after baby is here?
I'm prepared to be told I'm being a nasty cow, but it just made me feel weird that they've all just made this decision without discussing jut with me.

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 25/02/2019 08:48

When I said this to DP, he was really upset and doesn't seem to think this time is going to be about him supporting me and the baby and said that there are people he wants to meet the baby too. Your DP is a fuckwit then. Does he expect you to be up and serving tea to these women. How many more people does he want to meet the baby, knock this on the head NOW.

Alsohuman · 25/02/2019 09:15

Has something really dramatic happened to childbirth all of a sudden? The description of a leaking, incontinent, lame, half naked invalid isn’t something i’ve ever experienced or witnessed. Everyone I know who’s given birth has been tired and a bit overwhelmed, not completely incapacitated.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2019 09:19

It appears that your partner's and your MIL's brains have fallen out. Bringing stranger to visit right after you've given birth? Absolutely fucking not.

Thestral · 25/02/2019 10:05

@Alsohuman

It's great that everyone you know had good births and recovered well. Just because you haven't personally witnessed people who have struggled after, does not mean that they don't exist, not does it give you the right to sneer at them and their circumstance.

OP - just have a chat with MIL. Chances are it's all been a bit lost in translation.

timeisnotaline · 25/02/2019 12:28

@alsohuman you are so lucky to have had such good experienced! I have had two miserable experiences very similar to described above. Torn in two, iron levels just above transfusion level, spinal headaches that mean you can’t walk without vomiting. You should always hope for the best but plan for what might happen.

Ribbonsonabox · 25/02/2019 12:33

@Alsohuman then you are very lucky. I have two friends who were pretty much up and running in the days following their babies birth.. but I have about 5 who were an absolute state due to various reasons.
With my first I couldn't even sit up let alone stand for a week due to stitches falling out... I also developed pnd and would sob constantly day and night so I deffo would not have been up for some random visiting me!
It should never be assumed that a woman is going to be totally fine with someone visiting in the first weeks... it can be a very difficult time which would be made more difficult by hosting visitors. Anyone who supposedly cares about a woman should ASK first at the time to see what kind of condition she is in before coming round. It's not unlikely for a first birth that it will have been difficult.

exwhyzed · 25/02/2019 12:37

Presumably if Jane is important enough to DP that he feels it's appropriate for her to be one of the very first people to meet his new baby and that this is more important than his partner's feelings, you would have met her before right?

Or he would have mentioned her before now?

No?

Can't be that important then DP...

Settlersofcatan · 25/02/2019 12:43

If a few hours drive, MIL may need someone to share the driving. I actually think her bringing a friend takes the pressure off you and DH to feel like you need to entertain her all the time. I would just tell her that obviously you may not feel up to having her friend visit so can you play that bit by ear but obviously that doesn't mean she can't bring the friend on the week end, just not necessarily to see you

PepsiLola · 25/02/2019 12:43

I wouldn't allow a stranger in my house straight after giving birth?

Even if you're content and not struggling, you'll be sore, bleeding, and recovering. You don't need to be polite to new guests

PepsiLola · 25/02/2019 12:44

@Settlersofcatan I don't think the MIL would be visiting to be entertained?

Would she not be coming to help out and meet her grandchild?

Muddysnowdrop · 25/02/2019 12:45

Is Jane a significant friend is you mils, perhaps?

Muddysnowdrop · 25/02/2019 12:45

Of your, not is you

Settlersofcatan · 25/02/2019 12:46

@Pepsi - I didn't mean like putting on a show but more that if someone had travelled that far to see me, I would expect to spend the majority of the weekend with them but if they had a friend, I would feel more able to say "actually, really tired this morning, could you and Jane do your own thing"

BarbarianMum · 25/02/2019 12:49

Hhmm not sure. Suppose you have a hard birth and only want to see your MiL for an hour each day? What is she supposed to do for the rest of the time, sit by herself in the hotel? This way she can meet you and grandchild but entertain herself w friend for rest of the time, have someone to eat lunch/dinner with without imposing on you.

BarbarianMum · 25/02/2019 12:51

Pepsi Im sure the OPs MiL wouldnt dare to presume she'd be welcome to hang around and help out.

Gth1234 · 25/02/2019 12:54

Maybe you could say you don't want the visit, and you will visit them as soon as you are able.

Zoeputthatdown · 25/02/2019 12:55

Thoughtful of MIL and Jane to book a hotel. That makes me think Jane will wave from the car then tactfully disappear for a while until MIL needs a lift back to the hotel/go shopping/sightseeing etc.

Gth1234 · 25/02/2019 12:55

As in most cases, the problem will probably be the DP not wanting to upset his DM

RoboticSealpup · 25/02/2019 12:56

The description of a leaking, incontinent, lame, half naked invalid isn’t something i’ve ever experienced or witnessed.

Congratulations to you!

IsAStormApporaching · 25/02/2019 12:58

I had a c section with dc2- my dp's first child-
My mil to be decided she was bringing her friend (who neither of us have met to this day) to the hospital when dc was 2 days old.
The only people who had met dc was my parents, dps parents and dc1.
I still had a catheter in and looked and felta mess.
I was so stunned to be told she was coming I said nothing. I text dp later and said I was not comfortable. He replied saying he had already dealt with it as I was not up to it.
As you said it's different being a bit of a state infront of family but not strangers. And it's even more rude to be told it is happening.

lboogy · 25/02/2019 13:00

You should get to decide who meets your baby and it shouldn't be a random stranger

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 25/02/2019 13:00

Could you suggest decorating your living room so you can be part of one of these? en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tableau_vivant - ask DP if he can make a FB event page and whether you should collect donations for the Fistula Foundation or the NCT?
Seeing as he's now arranging for you to be living entertainment, no matter how the birth affects you, you should probably give a bit of structure to proceedings.

chocatoo · 25/02/2019 13:01

Actually the fact that Jane is there is probably quite good as it will mean that the visit is likely to be shorter and MIL will have other stuff to do to keep her occupied. Jane might be really nice! Give them jobs to do/shopping to bring.
If you are like us, there will be all sorts of random people who stop by to see the baby - at least you know Jane is coming.
The thing I would say is, don't budge from your seat/sofa (I was really spread out on sofa, surrounded by pillows to mark out my space!) and let your OH do all of the tea making, etc. When I'd had enough, I would simply yawn and say, right Baby and I are off upstairs now for a nap, been lovely seeing you...!

prettybird · 25/02/2019 13:01

How about messaging both your MIL and your dh (since, as you say, he should be supporting his wife who has carried his child for 9 months and who will just have given birth Hmm) saying:

"Delighted that you will be coming to welcome your new baby into the world. It's an overwhelming time as I don't know how I'll feel after the birth - and how well I'll be coping with sleep, the new baby and getting breastfeeding established as it will all be new to me. I'm sure you will understand that I may not be up for visitors in the days after the birth, so may or may not not be able to arrange to see Jane. Obviously, I'd be happy to meet her at a later date, when I've fully recovered from the birth."^

ScatteredMama82 · 25/02/2019 13:05

YANBU. Jane doesn't need to come, she can entertain herself while MIL visits. Your DH needs to step up and have the conversation with your MIL, you shouldn't have to do it xx

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