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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at another secret family party.

113 replies

sunshineandsnow · 24/02/2019 19:11

I don't know why I'm so upset really. Or surprised.

In an effort not to drip feed, I have included my previous thread about my nutty family.

DD forbidden to attend family party. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3344831-dd-forbidden-to-attend-family-party

Tonight, I thought since it was DMs birthday, I would be nice and pop around with a card and gift for her as a surprise. No one was home. Turns out they've been out for a family day out and lunch, and are now at DSis house for a secret family party.

I know you shouldn't just expect people to be home for you to surprise them. But I'm just sick of all the secrets, like I'm some major criminal or something.

I can't believe this is still going on.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 24/02/2019 19:13

And the other old thread!!

My family won't speak to me. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

OP posts:
greendale17 · 24/02/2019 19:13

That would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

Seriously, why do you want these people in your life still?

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 24/02/2019 19:15

I actually don't know.

Because that's how it's meant to be?
Because you only get one mum?
Because I'm trying to be a nice person?

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 24/02/2019 19:15

Your parents need to nip this in the bud. Even if they can’t repair the relationship between you and your sister they should not collude in keeping secrets and they shouldn’t be part of large family gatherings in which only you are excluded. They are letting your sister behave like a child.

WillGymForPizza · 24/02/2019 19:16

I remember both of your threads. I know this is easier said than done but your family are toxic and you really should consider going no contact. They are treating you like crap.

WakeMeWhenTheyTurn18 · 24/02/2019 19:16

I remember your previous thread. It started over a childs sleep over? You are better off without them op. I understand it hurts but i would distance yoirself as much as you can you and dc dont need such toxic personalities in your life x

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 24/02/2019 19:17

I know you are all right. But I was stupidly trying to be the grown up, be the nice one and now I'm just so sad.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 24/02/2019 19:19

Your a mug I'm sorry OP if you think things will ever change. Even though they are family they aren't worth bothering about. In an attempt to be a "nice person" you are setting yourself up to get hurt over and over again by them.

PatchworkElmer · 24/02/2019 19:20

I think you need to go NC, at least for now, to protect yourself, and your DD.

I don’t say that flippantly- we’ve been NC with DH’s family for 5 years now .

gettingtherequickly · 24/02/2019 19:20

No, please don't do this.
You are worth more than this. They don't deserve you, you have your kids to focus on, and you wouldn't want them treated badly.
One piece of advice that I always go back to is what would you tell your best friend if she came to you with the same issue? Do that.

Drum2018 · 24/02/2019 19:22

You've tried. They have ignored your efforts and are a shower of stubborn cunts. Stop trying, focus on your own family unit and make every effort to enjoy life without them in it dragging you down. Go NC for a while to give yourself time to realise how free you will feel without that toxic childish behaviour in your life.

WillGymForPizza · 24/02/2019 19:25

Just because people are family it doesn't mean that we have to like them or have a relationship with them. You OP are worth so much more than this. Your DM and Dsis are nasty arseholes.

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 24/02/2019 19:25

I know it's not what you were saying, but my best friend is of the "you only have one mum" camp, which makes it so much harder.

I've ended up upsetting myself really so I know I deserve no sympathy.

OP posts:
Mookatron · 24/02/2019 19:27

This must be really painful.

You need to cut them all out completely. It's the only way to take control and stop being at the mercy of their cruelty. They may not think it's cruelty, for some fucked up reason, but it is, and it's not going to stop. You need to take yourself out of the pattern. Flowers

HoptoitDufflepuds · 24/02/2019 19:28

My best friend is of the same opinion with her parents. Especially as her dad has Parkinson's she keeps urging me to 'be the bigger person and say sorry'. Sadly my parents pushed me too far and they've not seen the children in at least 18 months. Maybe even 2 years. I haven't see them in over a year. It is bliss. I no longer worry what experience my family is going to get and the reduction in stress has been very welcome.

WillGymForPizza · 24/02/2019 19:32

Your best friend is probably one of those people lucky enough to have a nice, normal emotionally healthy mother. Not everyone has that unfortunately.

Quite frankly in your shoes OP I wouldn't have even bothered with a birthday card for your mum.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 24/02/2019 19:33

I remember your previous posts.

I understand the "you've only got one mum" mentality, and it really hurts when mum isn't the way you would like.

Sounds like you want to "fix" it in some way - but do you think you actually can? If you asked them to call a truce and draw a line under what had passed, do you think that moving forward would be stress free? Would it all come flooding back at the next birthday?

Only you know.

Spotsandstars · 24/02/2019 19:34

But your best friend isn't living your life. She's not experiencing the same issues and pain as what you are. You can't compare apples and oranges.

CouldntThink · 24/02/2019 19:35

But they aren’t being nice and couldn’t give a shit about your feelings. So stop.

IDoN0tCare · 24/02/2019 19:37

Does your friends family treat her like shit? No? Then she can fuck off. A friend doesn’t try to force their moral opinion on someone who has an abusive family. Just because your mother gave birth to you, that doesn’t give her the right to treat you like shit.

Singlenotsingle · 24/02/2019 19:37

What happens if you organise a birthday "do" for you, but dsis not invited? What would happen if she WAS invited?

SpanielEars070 · 24/02/2019 19:38

The thing is OP, the only person getting hurt here is you.

I'm NC with my sister and it's utterly crap. But it's better than being in touch and the constant digs/barbs and criticisms of everything I do.

You have to put your own feelings first here. No one can do that but you Flowers

Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 24/02/2019 19:39

Oh, I don't know...I've never done anything for my birthday!

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineandsnow · 24/02/2019 19:40

I've been very minimal contact since the last family event I was banned from. I don't know, it just feels like I'm being the bad one to go completely NC. I just thought I'd try to do something nice.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 24/02/2019 19:40

I would send a nice text to your sister explaining again about the sleepover and explaining that her behaviour since is much worse than your perceived behaviour towardsher daughter. I would also then send a text to your mother explaining the sleepover again, and how both your sisters and mothers behaviour has been worse than anything you have been perceived to have done. I would also remind her she had two daughters and two grand daughters and how hurt you are she has taken your sisters side, and now is the time to put it all behind you. I would finish that if she can’t and continues to behave in this way, favouring one daughter and grand daughter over the other then she is saying to you that in fact she no longer wants any contact with you and your daughter and much as that hurts and upsets you you have to respect her decision and go nc

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