To be upset at another secret family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

I don't know why I'm so upset really. Or surprised.

In an effort not to drip feed, I have included my previous thread about my nutty family.

DD forbidden to attend family party. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3344831-dd-forbidden-to-attend-family-party

Tonight, I thought since it was DMs birthday, I would be nice and pop around with a card and gift for her as a surprise. No one was home. Turns out they've been out for a family day out and lunch, and are now at DSis house for a secret family party.

I know you shouldn't just expect people to be home for you to surprise them. But I'm just sick of all the secrets, like I'm some major criminal or something.

I can't believe this is still going on.

You don’t need to cut contact. Just simply stop contacting them and stop going to see them, then you’ll see how much you mean to them... if contact goes to zero you will know that it’s because they didn’t want to try to stay with you!

I am NC with my dad. My life is so much better because I don’t have to wonder and second guess everything and just get on with life

So what you only get one mum ?
I don't speak to my dad because he's nasty, verbally abusive and emotionally draining on me and I'm much happier without him .
In my experience a fall out is down to years of resentment. Your sister for whatever reason dislikes you and used the dd birthday as a excuse and has emotionally blackmailed the rest of the family to take her side .
There are 2 things you can do .

1. speak to sister and dm about resolving this feud ( I'm sorry I haven't read all your threads so no sure if this has been attempted) .
2. learn to move on and understand that you will not be invited to any future occasions. It hurts to be cut off from family , I understand but this is just upsetting you so you need to make a decision.

It's not so much that she hates me. It's that she is "precious" and her needs have always come first to DM.

The major one that always hurts - "move out if you want to continue studying, as it's not fair for your sister to not have her friends around".

Look OP. I’m sorry to say your mother had chosen a favourite, and it’s not you. I’ve been in that position and it’s awful but the quicker you realise this, the more you can move on. Stop doing this to yourself - stop trying, it will destroy you.

The way I see it you have two options:

1. Grey rock. Just cut them off and the pain will slowly ease and you can sort your head out about it all.

2. Go nuclear- pull the pin on the anger grenade and tell them all straight how they’ve made you feel and how upset you are. Be blunt.

I always go for option 2. Actually we all do in my family. It makes for lively family parties. But at least everyone know where they stand.

The dynamic between your mother and sister will never change op.
So you have to accept it for what it is, and decide what you want to do.

Golden child sister does not get to choose your life, friends, job and your dreams. They are yours op.

Leave them to their toxic relationship. Focus on the positive things in your life, whilst your heart is breaking what are you missing?Children’s bedtime and cuddle, looking at the stars, catching up with a friend. You are being robbed of your happiness and contentment.
Your time and inner peace.

Dry your tears, resolve to look after the little girl within you. You aren’t going to allow anyone to hurt her/you like this again. Ever again. The little girl doesn’t need other people to protect her or make her happy anymore, as she has YOU. Every time your resolve crumbles imagine what you would do if this was happening to your child? Then get angry, remember your strength. Get your revenge by enjoying the best possible life op.

Oh OP, I'm sorry they're still treating you like this. My family have done similar - actually it's also my Dsis who orchestrates it and my DPs just go along with it, followed by the WhatsApp pics to rub it in. It hurts but its also pathetic that she needs to make herself feel superior/the golden child. Focus on your DC

Cut them out like gangrenous flesh! You don't need this!

As far as the 'only one mum', bullshit to that! If you're lucky (as I was) then one's relationship with one's mother is to be cherished. But if you are unlucky then you need to cut those ties. A dear friend had a toxic mother and she 'divorced' her and 'adopted' my mum as her own. She became so much happier and 'lighter' in her life.

A real family is made up of people who love you and want the best for you. Sometimes those people are related to you, sometimes they are people of your own choosing. Build your own family.

I haven't read the other threads.....but do you have a DH/DP? What is his family like? I only say this as my family have not been easy over the years. A couple of years ago I went low contact as it was affecting my MH and immersed myself in my DP's family as they are easy, non demanding, friendly individuals. I think some of my family became a bit jealous of them and although I have started to do more with my own family, I feel much stronger and am able to ignore/laugh off the cutting remarks/digs. I feel much more in control now. Hope this may help.xx

What a bunch of shits. Don’t bother with them anymore.

Your parents need to nip this in the bud

I think the bud has well and truly bloomed! Horse out the stable door long ago!

The time for bud nipping was about 2 years ago if i’ve read the posts correctly.

Plus i absolutely hate that phrase. Pops up a lot on here. That and “shame on you”. They just sound really mean. /irrelevant.

I've just read your other threads and I've really upset my dogs! I've been shouting RTFT at all the knobheads who told you that it was your fault.
I'm calmer now though.
I've been no contact with my mother for a few years now and it's great. I did feel guilty at first but I worked on that and I don't any more. Unlike you I don't have a sister to complicate matters. I did have a brother but he died suddenly when he was 19 but he would have always been the golden child. I have a son who is in contact with her, he's her golden grandchild.
I'm pretty sure that my mother would have preferred me to be the one who died. She definitely made that clear to me. She now tries to claim that she brought my son up, and that's total bollocks.
I've had the hand written letters too, several pages of abuse and then she writes, remember that I love you.
I have no fucks to give about her anymore, she's 85 so I don't expect to see her again.
I really don't think that you have been unreasonable at all. I would just cut all of them out of your life. You can't change them you can only change your response. My son has always had a relationship with her and I've never told him how bad things were. He's 40 now and a very astute person and he can clearly see through all her manipulations

Sorry, I've just realised that the post I thought hadn't posted did, in fact post.

There is no point trying to be nice OP. Just walk away, go NC, and ignore them all.

Don't allow access to your dcs without you there, as part of the process will be to turn them against you.

There will be a whole narrative in your mum and sisters tiny minds (or what passes for them anyway), bearing no resemblance to the truth, and placing you firmly in the wrong, and they will share this with others.

We have been accused of all sorts by dh's Mum, and given we live in another country with the English Channel between us, it's amazing what we've managed to do. You have to walk. It gets easier, and eventually you don't notice the lack. None of the 3 dgcs my mil managed to alienate have anything to do with her now and don't miss her at all. We have been accused between dh, dbil etc of keeping the dgcs from her. They are all well over 21 and have made their own minds up.

Just bite the bullet and go NC - you won't regret it. Don't engage in their stupid little games - you validate what they are doing if you play by their rules.

I don't have a DH.

I'm finding it very reassuring that no one thinks I'm being the unreasonable one. You really do doubt yourself after all these years.

I hate nip it in the bud too. Overused and misused all the time on MN.

I would go with the turn up option. Brazen it out. Oh, I didn't know it was invitation only to see MY mother on her birthday. Oh, my invitation must have got lost in the post. Oh, I wasn't invited. Did you mean to be so fucking rude? In that case, I'll leave, but don't expect to hear from me again.

My life has been immeasurably better since cutting my parents out.

Walk away from them all they are fuckwits you don't need that in your life! Make sure you tell your parents too that the relationship is over then they might realise how stupid they all are.

Sunshineandsnow
Of course you will doubt yourself, you've lived with this for many years, the bad stuff is always easier to believe, doesn't mean that it's true. As pp have said you don't need to announce that you're cutting off contact, just scale it back. Grey rock and whatever you do, don't bite, don't react, they hate that. It's extraordinarily liberating when you take the decision to cut things back. Have confidence in yourself, much easier said than done but it does get easier every day.

Op time to call it a day with them, I remember your thread in August, there is no being reasonable with stupid. Time to look after yourself and your family, cut them dead, and create a new life without them in it.

Okay I haven't RTFT but I can tell you, about the only-one-mum thing that this is not how mums are supposed to be. Is there someone positive and loving in your life who could adopt you?

My family cut me out when I adopted two girls. My DM and DF welcomed them and considered them their grandchildren but the rest of the family frosted over. After DM and DF passed on we were out. No invites to family parties or weddings, not even the traditional Christmas cards/newsletter. I read about my aunt's funeral in the newspaper and she and her family lived 12 miles from me.
My daughters are grown and are both fine girls. They have good jobs and good partners and I have a DGS and DGD. They are very close to each other.
Your DD sounds like a sensible girl and you are kind and forgiving. Maybe too kind and too forgiving? Go NC on your mother and sister. Maybe keep contact with your DF. Invite him to visit you. And start building memories with your DC. Most important, raise your DS and DD so that they will be close to each other as adults.

I only have one biological mother (thankfully) but I have had several surrogate mothers who have shown me the love, kindness and compassion which are lacking in my relationship with my "real" mother.

Sometimes families are bound by blood and sometimes just by love. If the one you are born into doesn't give you what you want, you can create something more nurturing for yourself and your children.

I’m so sorry OP. Your family sound like a shower of shites. You and your kids deserve better. Don’t mind what your friend says. Start putting yourself and your daughters first.

What more can you do OP? I would have left the card and present on the door step so they know you made the effort, and then the ball is in their court to reciprocate that effort. But please try and just get in with your life. I completely understand that it is very easy to tell some one to cut off their family, it is a very different thing to actually do it yourself. Just remind yourself of the very little, if any benefits/help they bring to your life. What are you actually going to lose by cementing in your own mind that you will not make any more attempts at rebuilding the relationship? Sometimes even writing down the positive and negatives of trying to rebuild can be very eye opening.