To be upset at another secret family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

I don't know why I'm so upset really. Or surprised.

In an effort not to drip feed, I have included my previous thread about my nutty family.

DD forbidden to attend family party. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3344831-dd-forbidden-to-attend-family-party

Tonight, I thought since it was DMs birthday, I would be nice and pop around with a card and gift for her as a surprise. No one was home. Turns out they've been out for a family day out and lunch, and are now at DSis house for a secret family party.

I know you shouldn't just expect people to be home for you to surprise them. But I'm just sick of all the secrets, like I'm some major criminal or something.

I can't believe this is still going on.

I just think you need to block the lot of them. Unless you're massively misrepresenting the situation your sister is absolutely mental and the rest of them are enabling her.

If you won’t go NC for yourself, do it for your DC - think about the example you are setting for them right now.

I mean it in the nicest possible way, but right now you are showing them that you should do everything possible to seek the approval of others and that they (your family) are allowed to treat you like a doormat just because they are related to you by accident of birth.

You, and your DC, deserve more.

I’ve only got one Dad, however the more I see what his limitations are, the better our threadbare relationship is. I see him once a year, that’s it.

Of course we’d love a better relationship. You’ve tried. I’ve tried. We should now draw up the drawbridge and refocus on family members who are positive.

You deserve so much better. Return your mother's present and focus on you and your dd from now on.

Just stop trying, you've done enough. No more texts, emails or whatever - it just puts you in a vulnerable position waiting for a response.

I don't understand why families behave like this, but it's completely their loss. Build yourself a better life that doesn't involve the pain of being snubbed and excluded by your family.

Im sorry that your still having bother with your family. I would think about going nc with them tbh as they arent going to change and you need to think of you and your dd first

JustOneShadeOfGrey
I tested my parents and I can go for weeks, if not months, of lying dead undiscovered. I’m the DD who turns up sharing and caring, not the DS who is a fixture with his begging bowl.

But I bet they'll be in touch with you when they get older and start needing assistance. They couldn't possibly expect their DS to do that.

I've seen this sort of thing happen a few times. The golden child does all the talking, but is nowhere to be seen when the time comes for the giving to begin. So the parents who pampered the golden child start to make demands on their scapegoat child.

That sounds awful. I have nieces and nephews of a similar age to my DC and they haven't included each other in sleepovers and parties since they were very small. Nobody gets upset, they go to different schools and have different friends. I do think your DM should be impartial. If you go to her house and your sister turns up, so what? I understand how you feel and you have tried to be the bigger person. You can't force them. Sorry .

I don't think you need to go NC as is the buzz word on here. Just stop trying so hard.

Out of interest, how did you find out about the secret party OP? Did someone in the family break their neck to ensure you found out?

Agree that your family are probably not worth bothering about for now, so low contact seems a good idea. In your shoes, as you sound very unsure about NC, which is hard to mend, I would probably keep the lines of communication open by sending birthday and christmas cards to your parents. Maybe include a polite letter, keeping them up to date with the news about your DCs and include pictures of days out and special occasions. Try to sound as if you are not in the least bothered about not being invited to any further secret parties.

At a guess your Dsis is getting some enjoyment out of driving a wedge between you and your DM. This makes her a nasty cow. So don't give her the satisfaction of knowing how much it upsets you. I have a similar problem with one Dsis who lives in the same street as my DM. Her DCs were always there and ours were pushed out. The kids are all adults who have left home now and my Dsis complains that she has to "look after" our DM now she is frail and elderly.

They are treating you in such a nasty way just because yiur dd had a more smaller intimate parties with a few of her school friends, and not a big family party like her cousin. I am sure yiu would have invite yiur dd cousin if dd had a family party. It sounds as if yiur sister is the golden child and you are the scapegoat. As long as your sister is happy and sod the rest. Time to put a stop to this, and put your dd and yourself first.

I can guarantee you will be back here in a few weeks or months saying the same thing over again OP. Go low contact, make every day count with your DD and DH.

I'm still friends with the wider family on Facebook. So no one told me deliberately, I've just seen photos/statuses.

That's the thing, DD always had her "school" party and DN always had her "school" party. Then there was always a big separate family party at DSis house, as DN and aunt shared a birthday and it fell in the summer holidays.

You only get one mum, but when that mum has chosen your sibling, what can you do?

@sunshineandsnow

They’re treating you terribly. My only question is (and I do think, with a heavy heart, that you should go nc) would your daughter still be texting her cousin?

If you’re going NC then I think your daughter needs to sever ties with cousin

Then I would have the added guilt of ruining their relationship too.

OP, in your shoes I would not try to interfere with the cousins friendship. As your DN gets older the cousins may continue to be friends on their own terms.

Exactly, tge cousins don't have to sever ties, they can have a friendship on their own terms and may continue it in the future, without mums intervention.

I’m NC with my mum. People who say ‘you only have one mum’ don’t understand the hurt and betrayal involved in being fucked over by your ‘dear’ mum

Next time you have a family birthday, perhaps try inviting the wider family round for a gathering. Unless they are in on it (and it is likely they are not interested) you can still keep in contact with the rest of the family circle.

Can you invite an aunt round for tea? Or another family member? It may not be you and them as much as you think.

Very rarely do people take sides when they see a nasty streak

I'm NC with my family. Sometimes it's the only way. Me and my children are better off. Wedding after wedding I wasn't invited to, and them my father died. That was when my mother and sister really got going. so much poison. Going NC is one of the best things I've ever done for myself

Before I checked back I was like is this the one about the niece having to be included in everything the DD does it they've committed a crime

I think there needs to be a final Make Or Break conversation in which all adults air their grievances and either part friends with everyone happy with the terms or give up and say why

I would have just gone to dsis house with dm's present and said 'just dropping this off'. Make them feel awkward.

My dad always said if someone is bu, 'kill them with kindness'. I think that'd pretty good advice. Then they have nothing to hold against you.

Sounds like your sis has a complex and is jealous of you maybe. She is bitter and has turned your family against you.

I would also send your mum a link to your threads on here. Or ask a mutual friend to do it and say something like 'just seen this on mn', do you think it's about you?'

Hopefully the mn responses would be a wake up call.