To be upset at another secret family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

I don't know why I'm so upset really. Or surprised.

In an effort not to drip feed, I have included my previous thread about my nutty family.

DD forbidden to attend family party. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3344831-dd-forbidden-to-attend-family-party

Tonight, I thought since it was DMs birthday, I would be nice and pop around with a card and gift for her as a surprise. No one was home. Turns out they've been out for a family day out and lunch, and are now at DSis house for a secret family party.

I know you shouldn't just expect people to be home for you to surprise them. But I'm just sick of all the secrets, like I'm some major criminal or something.

I can't believe this is still going on.

Yes, it's true that you only have one Mum but if she's a nasty person then you can't change her. It's also very difficult for those who have good relationships with their own mothers to understand. You can only change your reaction to their behaviour. My mother has been an absolute cow to me, I don't see or speak to her and as she's 85 I'll probably never see her again. I've done my grieving for the mother she wasn't. I'll probably find out that she has died when my son tells me. I have no fucks left to give about her. My life has improved greatly now that she's not in it. Try it, you might realise that you don't need them in your life.

That sounds so simple but it would be the scariest thing I have ever done!

Be the bad one then! Better (not actually) bad than constantly badly treated. A NC response would be completely reasonable. They should be bending over backwards to apologise for hurting your feelings!

Apologise?! They can only see wrong in my behaviour.

It's not simple. But it probably won't hurt more than you're currently hurting and it may well make you feel a LOT better to take control. I like the messages above too.

If you still want to remain lc rather than nc then I think you're going to have to accept that this is how they are and to stop expecting anything from them. It sucks and it's painful and you've every right to feel upset by it.

Going NC would be better than continuing because you only have one mum.

I also only had one mum, and dad. I was still afraid of him 10 years after he died.

Some parents, and siblings, don’t deserve to be kept in their children’s lives.

Maybe its not a secret party though. You and your sister have fallen out and she's invited your mum out for lunch and then back to hers for her birthday. You hadn't arranged to see her, so your sister arranged something else.

I do things with my mother and don't include one or other sibling all the time.

NB: Your sister though was clearly being ridiculous about the party situation.

Personally I'd go nc btw. Sod being the bad guy, you already are to them whatever the real truth may be.

Your friend clearly isn’t a good adviser in this.

Head over to the Stately Homes (dysfunctional families) threads for book/info recommendations and lots of posters with relevant experience and strategies - eg low and no contact.

Would you need advice to stop hitting yourself on the head with a house brick? Please detach yourself and stop giving them licence to abuse and hurt you.

You only get one mum - would you want more than one like yours?

I'm not being horrible - I had shit like this from my mum - finally I realised I was trying to win/earn her love and it wasn't happening.

So, I've been there and understand what shite shovelled on your head feels like. For your own well-being, self-esteem and sanity, please walk away.

Yes you only have one mum - so do we all. What's your stupid friends point? It's simply a fact. It doesn't mean you have to be loyal to that mum, or put up with any shit from that mum. Lots of people have physically abusive mums - should they pander to those mums forever? Of course they shouldn't, and your mum is emotionally abusive so you should not pander or try to do nice things for her anymore. You are worth more so put yourself first. As for your sister, let her off. She's a childish bitch but it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. Set yourself free.

Today was secret. Ok the lunch out is one thing, but tonight the entire family is at DSis for a tea/evening party.

I feel for you op. I'm the black sheep of my family and my aunt used to purposely leave me out of family gatherings. Really not sure why - she's hated me since I was a child.

I think you should continue lc and try and get on with your life. I still speak to my parents, but I don't prioritise them or seek to rely on them for anything. That way you can't be let down.

All those months later and they are still doing this shit.

Go NC and DO NOT apologise to bitter arseholes.

I wholeheartedly agree with what @Chloemol said. Possibly in a joint email to them both so there can be no secret talking between them. Say that you are happy to draw a line under this if perhaps the three of you could have an open, honest conversation, air grievances and move forward.

And off it all kicks off. Retreat forever, sadly.

You only have one mum. But she only has one of you and DD. She should treasure you.

Your bf is wrong to influence you like that. Unless you’ve been there it’s hard to know what it feels like.

Just turn up!!! 😁

Oh my goodness! That's made me laugh through my tears!

Because you only get one mum?

What would your friend say if your Mum had physically abused you? Or if we were talking about your Dad and your Dad had sexually abused you?

People who say “You only get one Mum” are lacking in empathy and understanding, usually because their Mum is or was loving, nurturing and not abusive. Emotional abuse (scapegoating, isolating, silent treatment and so on) is still abuse. In some cases it’s worse than physical violence because it makes you doubt yourself and think you are the “difficult” one, that your family’s treatment of you is “not that bad” and other victim blaming behaviour.

Next time your friend says “You only get one Mum”, ask her if she’d still be saying that if your Mum had beaten you, starved you and locked you up.

If you can’t bring yourself to go completely No Contact then go as low contact as you can and expect nothing from your family. If they weren’t related to you, would you tolerate their behaviour?

Wow. Yes.

I have a family that is exactly like yours. In fact they have done even worse things than the secret parties, secret holidays.
I went no contact for a year and a half. I found it was having an impossible effect on my mental health. Yes it was the guilt and the FOG but I found it almost impossible to live with the sense of loss I was feeling. It was a bereavement, or that is how it felt.
For me, and I appreciate others have been much stronger than me in this regard. I decided I would ‘do’ contact on my own terms. So that I could live with myself ( I didn’t do it for them) I send cards and small gifts and I see them twice a year maximum sometimes less. Odd text. I hold them at arms length. I don’t get involved in any family gatherings or speak to them that much ( once every five months at best) I went from a close, but suffocating family life to this. It was not an easy transition, but it was much better than the pain, disappointment and damage they were causing me every single time I saw them,

If you can do nc, give it a try. It gets easier as time passes. Make sure you are busy Christmas, mothers days and birthdays ( they will be difficult)

If all you can manage is very strong boundaries such as I have done, you will have to be very mindful not to let them reel you back in. Esp if there is a crisis.

I am so sorry your family have you hurt you like this. It is despicable, but you have the power to stop caring any longer. Grey rock from now on. Build great friendships and let them go 🌷💐

I am in the just turn up camp. I bet the wider family wouldn't take sides. Rock up with your gift and ruse above any drama. If your sister makes a scene she will look bad and if your mum takes sides despite this you have your answer, and can make a decision on what to do having given them every chance.

Just go NC. See how long they last.

I tested my parents and I can go for weeks, if not months, of lying dead undiscovered. I’m the DD who turns up sharing and caring, not the DS who is a fixture with his begging bowl.