To be upset at another secret family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

I don't know why I'm so upset really. Or surprised.

In an effort not to drip feed, I have included my previous thread about my nutty family.

DD forbidden to attend family party. http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3344831-dd-forbidden-to-attend-family-party

Tonight, I thought since it was DMs birthday, I would be nice and pop around with a card and gift for her as a surprise. No one was home. Turns out they've been out for a family day out and lunch, and are now at DSis house for a secret family party.

I know you shouldn't just expect people to be home for you to surprise them. But I'm just sick of all the secrets, like I'm some major criminal or something.

I can't believe this is still going on.

I remember your previous threads. OP I'd do as previously posters have suggested and send a long message laying out exactly what you have to say about everything. Don't open yourself up to an argument, but tell them that they can either reconcile or leave you alone.

Tbh I wouldn’t bother sending a message - all that will happen is that you’ll get a reaction. And it won’t be a reasonable reaction because you’re not dealing with reasonable, sensible, nice people. You’re dealing with a toxic situation, and no amount of reason is going to change that.

Cut them off. Not a single one of them is worth the steam off your piss.

Like all the Facebook pictures and say under each and every fucking one ‘Shame I wasn’t invited. Again’.

I don’t know if I’d bother with a long message. Something short like mum, you had two daughters. I will never ever treat my daughter as you have me. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to see each other anymore, you don’t behave like a person I want in my daughters life.

I've been very minimal contact since the last family event I was banned from. I don't know, it just feels like I'm being the bad one to go completely NC. I just thought I'd try to do something nice.

If you have been minimal contact, why are you so surprised at not being invited?

Surely that's the idea of minimal contact.

I understand it hurts but you have to make a realistic decision about what contact and relationship you want with them and be at peace with your decision. Otherwise this situation is going to keep on repeating itself.

If you have been minimal contact, why are you so surprised at not being invited?

Having been in this situation myself, I suspect it's because she's still holding onto hope. Hope that her family will reach out to make things better.

timeisnotaline

I have been through a difficult situation like this with my DM and Dsis, who was extremely jealous and tried hard to push me out of the family circle.

The best advice I got was from now adult DS who knew the dynamics from an early age. He said that DM was being manipulated by Dsis who was jealous. "Honestly Mum she is sad, would you really want to be in her situation. Just be the bigger person every single time".

The cousins all have regular contact through social media as young adults. I have very limited contact with Dsis, but my Mum rings and we chat. She is old and I honestly think she is dominated by Dsis, feels she has to go along with her, but doesn't want to lose contact with the rest of us.

We now have a family Whats App group with our large group of middle aged cousins. Dsis is on this and is always polite, because she doesn't want to look like a c**t.

I think timeisnotaline's response is perfect.

Sunshine you have already put up with so much. There will be another secret family party, and another for the rest of your life. It's only a secret if you expected to know. If you remove them from Facebook and stop contact it will simply be them having a party not a secret one which you find out about. It'll make you feel so much better.

It might be worth a text or email to both of them as one last attempt to clear the air just so you can reassure yourself you did everything you could to build bridges. But your studying/moving out comment shows it's always been there so why expect it to change now? Walk away and save yourself.

I think a conversation with your mum could go along the lines

“If I am part of this family then I deserve to be invited to family events. If you do not treat me as a member of the family, then I will no longer be one”

I sympathise OP, with the incidents within your relationships with your DM and DSIS. However, I wouldn't consider the family get-togethers to be 'secret'.

Just because you haven't been invited
or told they are happening doesn't make them secret. If I take my DM out for lunch on her birthday I don't automatically tell imy siblings. Sometimes I've arranged a family get-together, other times just us and DM. I don't feel the need to tell siblings. If they try to arrange to see DM she will just arrange a time before we are there or after she has returned.

If you'd phoned your DM to say you were popping in she could have told you she was out at DSIS' and wouldn't be back until whenever. That wouldn't be a problem for me.
Perhaps your DM just finds it difficult for say such things as she knows you and your sister don't get along.

Diddl was spot on.

You only get one mum, but when that mum has chosen your sibling, what can you do?

Other posts that tell you that you should be chilled about secret family parties have obviously endured a life time of this.

As a child it can be heartbreaking and damaged to be sidelined constantly, and as a grown up you think you should have 'mastered' the art of the being an adult and to not care, only to realise that adults still have feelings. Things still hurt, they don't suddenly become less painful simply because you are older.

My best advice:

Take them all of SM this is only making things worse, looking at all of the 'happy' photos must be a dagger to the heart.

Ask your dd not to tell you about them if she stays in contact with DN. I would tell you dd why you are drawing a line with them, explain in full how they have made you feel and leave it to her as to how much contact she wishes to have.

Go as low contact as you can possibly manage. Arrange parties, BBQs and a whole host of social occasions in the next few months for and with people that truly care and like you. You will be so busy cooking and arranging things you will hardly give them a thought.

Mothers day book something for you and your dc now maybe a theme park so you can spend a fun day out not thinking about another secret party.

Don't text or email or call. They know where you are. I would think carefully before replying to anything. The minute you do, it all opens up again.

Tell some trusted friends in RL what is happening (not the bf that keeps banging on about there only being one mum, she is never going to offer you the emotional support you need)

Consider counselling to help you talk about your feelings and your childhood in a safe place.

Only when you have drawn up your boundaries, and have decided your way forward will you feel any sense of relief.

OP the only one bothered by this situation is you...doesn't that tell you all you need to know? You are torturing yourself by looking at facebook..get shut of it,Then get on with your life,Concentrate on you and your family.Presumably your mum knows where you are if she wants you.Block and delete and sit back and see if they come to you,while you get on with your life and the relationships that are precious to you,If you dont it will destroy you and that will not help your dd at all.Leave em to it.You will get your say one day if you arenot strong enough to do it now but you have to live your life and move on from this.The are telling you all you need to know but you are not listening and are trying to force something that cannot be forced.