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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why she didn't ask how my daughter was?

107 replies

lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:02

a week ago I had to cancel a night out with a couple of friends because my daughter was throwing up and didn't want me to leave her.(could've left her with dh, but she wanted me) She was really poorly for a few days afterwards as well. I'd bought and paid for all our tickets for the concert and was gutted that I couldn't go. My friends still both went and had a good time. One of them hasn't asked me then or since how my daughter is. She regularly speaks to us in WhatsApp but didn't mention the fact that I couldn't go or ask how my daughter was. Don't want to drip feed but she just doesn't seem all that interested in my life at all. I always ask how her children are. I'm not needy at all, totally get that people have busy lives. She just doesn't seem to care. I'm retraining at the moment, which is a massive life change for me but she hasn't asked one thing about that either. I'm more bothered about the fact that my child was ill and she didn't even mention it. Am I being daft? Is this pretty standard and I need to get a grip?

OP posts:

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 22/02/2019 17:03

Yeah, if it was just a stomach bug I think a lot of people wouldn’t have asked to be honest. I wouldn’t get upset about it.

Tomtontom · 22/02/2019 17:08

You're being daft. If things had got worse you could let them know, but you don't need to give (or ask for) updates on a dodgy tummy.

Karigan195 · 22/02/2019 17:08

I wouldn’t ask about a stomach bug either. It’s horrible for a few days but it’s equivalent to a cold really.

Sirzy · 22/02/2019 17:11

She had a stomach bug. I can’t say I would think to mention it tbh

Original poster

lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:13

I told them I was gutted but wasnt going because she was poorly on WhatsApp. One friend said "that's a shame, hope she feels better soon" and the other friend saw it but didn't reply. I think perhaps I'm being over sensitive because she's always been a bit remote and disinterested. Thanks for being honest though, I appreciate honest answers.

OP posts:

Original poster

lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:14

I think social stuff was easier before messenger, WhatsApp etc!

OP posts:

MitziK · 22/02/2019 17:14

Kids get sick, throw up and get better. It's what they do. It's also common for people to get pissed off when any conversation is about everybody else, rather than the woman .

If I'm not explaining this well, I'll try and put it another way -

'Hi, Lottiebel, how are you?'

'The kids are fine, one is in preschool and made a picture, the other got star of the week. DH is having to cover the lunchbreak of a colleague, so doesn't get to have lunch until 3pm, so I'm making an extra set of sandwiches for him to have a snack at 12, the cat has fleas and the dog chased a squirrel out of the garden yesterday'.

'How are you?'

'My mum burned her hand last week and it's still a bit red, FIL's arthritis is playing up but still went to play Golf on Tuesday, where he scored 5 under par'

'How are you?'

The next door neighbour has had her hair done.

'Hi, Lottiebel, how's things?'

'I'm -'

'No, the kids'

'I'm -'

'No, your husband'

'I-'

'The cat?'

'I've won the lottery and I'm going to buy all my friends a house and car'

'What does your husband say about that?'

Do you see what I mean? It's possible to be interested in somebody for themselves, not in their 'job'. And there is also the possibility that she doesn't like grilling people for information - if they want to share, they will.

Karigan195 · 22/02/2019 17:14

Sure was!

Lindy2 · 22/02/2019 17:14

She might be a bit thoughtless or she might not be the type of person who remembers to ask after people that way. Does she often ask after your other friend's family/children?
She might also be a bit annoyed you cancelled on them.
To be honest I'd find it a bit odd you cancelled a paid for concert when your daughter had her father there to look after her.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/02/2019 17:16

I personally would have followed up with a quick message asking how she was. I can see why you’re a bit miffed.

littledoll33 · 22/02/2019 17:17

As it was only a tummy bug I doubt they even thought about your daughter again sorry OP.

Don't take it to heart.

WorraLiberty · 22/02/2019 17:18

The thing is, you answered your own question a couple of times in your OP.

She just doesn't particularly care about your life.

Having said that, a kid throwing up is easy to forget as it's not too unusual. It'd be different if she'd been hit by a car or something and she hadn't asked, as I'd expect that to be on her mind.

Original poster

lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:18

sorry I know I'm drip feeding a bit. I could have left her with her Dad but he was delayed a bit getting home (so I'd have had to make my own way there, they had already set off) and I would normally have left her with her teenage sibling but didn't feel I could leave her without an adult, as she was poorly.

OP posts:

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 22/02/2019 17:19

MitziK I don’t understand your post. The OP was upset because her friend didn’t ask about her child when she’d had to cancel a concert because she was sick. Nothing at all like the examples given.

littledoll33 · 22/02/2019 17:19

Problem is, as hard as this is to swallow, as much as we love our little rugrats, no-one else usually cares about them. (Except the grandparents and maybe other close kin - like aunt/uncle/cousin.)

Hope she is better.

GruciusMalfoy · 22/02/2019 17:19

I wouldn't necessarily remember to enquire after a friend's child if it was a simple bug. It just wouldn't be in my head, in all honesty. For more serious things, of course I would.

Original poster

lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:19

and she was distressed at the idea of me leaving her

OP posts:

PuzzlingPuzzle · 22/02/2019 17:21

This isn’t something worth thinking twice about, let alone getting upset over. If your child had been seriously ill or in hospital then I would understand where you’re coming from but a stomach bug doesn’t is both non serious and icky so definitely doesn’t require further follow up. Forget it and move on.

Original poster

lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:27

thanks. I guess I am being a bit daft.
She's always been a bit disinterested (more so lately) and I feel as though certain conversations are off limits. When we were with another friend recently and I asked her how her son was, she instantly changed the subject to something else. We only talk about very surface stuff and we've known each other over ten years! Might be time to move on.

OP posts:

rocketpocket · 22/02/2019 17:32

As it was a minor illness and you had the choice to leave her with your husband the friend probably thinks you were simply making excuses not to go.

Boulezvous · 22/02/2019 17:32

Friend sounds perfectly normal. Life goes on. It's not as big a deal for friends as it is for you. I'm surprised rather than expectant when friends recall what's going on with my kids.

BirdieInTheHand · 22/02/2019 17:32

I suspect your friend is a bit miffed/exasperated being dropped for a big event because your DD had a tummy bug. If I stayed at home every time one of my DC were sick and never go out and have no friends.

Is that something you'd do often?

MitziK · 22/02/2019 17:34

What I mean is that it's sometimes too easy to view somebody (or for them to view themselves) as nothing but their role as a parent/carer/worker rather than as a person in their own right.

If somebody is already a little sensitive about being only seen as someone's Mummy, etc, or wants to talk about anything other than their own kids, it's likely that they won't spend lots of time asking about other people's.

It's a similar thing when somebody's spouse is ill - all the conversations about how the partner is, how treatment is going, etc - it's not a bad thing to ask 'And how are you?'.

Kids who are sick tend to want their primary carer - or whoever is actually about to leave the house. It's what they do, it's not anything particularly remarkable. If Daddy had been about to go out, the odds are they would wail 'but I want Daddy!'. Or Nanny, or the cat, or whoever they think of at the time. It's because they're ill and want comfort and the mere thought of somebody not being there is suddenly a bad thing when they wouldn't have paid a second thought to it when not chucking up.

Original poster

lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:37

no, this is the first time I've cancelled anything. She was really upset and crying for me to stay with her. If it was a big gig at the O2 or something and cost me £50 I might've just gone. But as the tickets were £12 and it was a very local band I chose to stay with her cos she was distressed at the idea of me leaving.

OP posts:

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 22/02/2019 17:38

Some people - like me - aren't inquisitorial - I wait to be told.

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