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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why she didn't ask how my daughter was?

107 replies

lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:02

a week ago I had to cancel a night out with a couple of friends because my daughter was throwing up and didn't want me to leave her.(could've left her with dh, but she wanted me) She was really poorly for a few days afterwards as well. I'd bought and paid for all our tickets for the concert and was gutted that I couldn't go. My friends still both went and had a good time. One of them hasn't asked me then or since how my daughter is. She regularly speaks to us in WhatsApp but didn't mention the fact that I couldn't go or ask how my daughter was. Don't want to drip feed but she just doesn't seem all that interested in my life at all. I always ask how her children are. I'm not needy at all, totally get that people have busy lives. She just doesn't seem to care. I'm retraining at the moment, which is a massive life change for me but she hasn't asked one thing about that either. I'm more bothered about the fact that my child was ill and she didn't even mention it. Am I being daft? Is this pretty standard and I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 19:05

it's a bit sad that friendship in 2019 means never asking after friends because that's demanding, drama llama behaviour.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 22/02/2019 19:05

Ok but you were quite dramatic about your dd and the days following.

Maybe you’re more dramatic than you realize! Wink

IvanaPee · 22/02/2019 19:06

it's a bit sad that friendship in 2019 means never asking after friends because that's demanding, drama llama behaviour.

Has anyone said that? I ask after my friends all the time. I don’t consider a child with a tummy bug to be a disaster or worrying situation!

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 22/02/2019 19:08

I try to remember these things and ask.. it’s now always easy though. Has she got kids herself? Maybe just doesn’t get it?

She sounds a bit self absorbed

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 19:10

ok, maybe I'm hugely dramatic Confused

OP posts:
notanothernam · 22/02/2019 19:11

The drama llama thing is over thinking and creating a thread about it.

IvanaPee · 22/02/2019 19:11

Well you mightn’t be! It’s just something to consider from her POV maybe!

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 19:16

The drama llama thing is over thinking and creating a thread about it

And I thought that was the whole point of anonymous internet fora!

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 22/02/2019 19:19

It's not as if your DD was rushed to hospital, she just was a bit sick and I'm not sure I would ask either, assuming she would be better in a couple of days.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 22/02/2019 19:19

I get where you're coming from and don't think you're a drama llama at all. If I were you I would treat her going forward as she treats you. If you're always the one to text first, don't. If she asks something general in a group test, leave it on read. If she doesn't start making an effort you have your answer about the friendship. Friendship isn't a one way street.

ducky21 · 22/02/2019 19:20

i agree with u, this woman isnt interested in your life, time to move on and trust your gut instinct

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 22/02/2019 19:20

*text

Springwalk · 22/02/2019 19:20

I never ask my friends lots of questions on SM I much prefer to catch up fave to face. Maybe she is the same?

If she doesn’t show any interest in you face to face then you are probably incompatible.

TinTinBanana · 22/02/2019 19:21

Op everything you have been saying about your friend I can relate to. I was friends with someone for 30 years and was in a similar situation with her until recently. The friendship has ended now, I think we both just needed to move on.

Chlo22 · 22/02/2019 19:26

OP, any decent friend would ask how your retraining is going and id ask my friend how their child was if they were sick, it's just what you do. It's not being demanding or high maintenance, it's just part and parcel of friendship, you show interest, whether that be asking after their job/marriage/children etc. I'm always so shocked at the responses you get to these things on here, it's so different to how me and my friends are, thank god!

Apple103 · 22/02/2019 19:29

It was a tummy bug, everyone and their child gets one at some point. It's only a big deal to you.
Seriously if I saw on the group chat that she was fine I wouldnt think you need a separate inquisition as well.
She doesnt sound like she likes you though. So maybe best to keep your distance from her.

nanbread · 22/02/2019 19:32

Could it be she's just crap at responding? I read messages and often think "oh no that's a shame, hope your child is better soon" but won't actually write it because I'm in the middle of something. Then forget about it.

sighrollseyes · 22/02/2019 19:53

Does your friend have kids? Generally people who don't have kids won't ask after your kids unless it's something fairly majorly serious (sickness probably doesn't register on most people's radar).

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 20:02

yes, she has two older children.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 22/02/2019 20:03

Do you like her, OP?

TheNoodlesIncident · 22/02/2019 20:04

I'm quite often like nanbread, I do mean to ask but I sometimes forget. And then often I think "I must find out from So-and-so how such-and-such went" and when I see So-and-so, they start talking about other things and I am distracted and forget about what I meant to ask them. I would absolutely mean to ask how their child was, and how retraining is going, how their mum is doing after her fall, things like that. But it depends on how distracted I get.

But you know your friend of old OP, and if this is symptomatic of how she usually is, it might be more probable that she's just not that interested. If I thought this was the case, I'd pull back from her a bit and concentrate on other friends.

mkmo · 22/02/2019 20:07

Kids get sick all the time. I wouldn't be concerned about anyone elses kids or expect anyone else to be concerned about mine. I would say if it were something serious.

Some people just don't ask about others. If you still want her in your life its best to lower your expectations.

CripsSandwiches · 22/02/2019 20:10

it's a bit sad that friendship in 2019 means never asking after friends because that's demanding, drama llama behaviour.

No one said you couldn't ask after friends they just suggested that you it shouldn't be mandatory to ask after every minor event in your friends' lives. I wouldn't expect anyone to give a second thought to a tummy bug my kid had.

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 20:12

@Charley50 I do like her but get an odd vibe from her sometimes. I guess this needs some context really. This incident might sound a tad am dram, but in the context of how she is, generally speaking, it has made me question why we're still friends. I read an article a few weeks ago saying that friends should improve our lives and make us feel better not worse. I really really hate giving up on people and am actually a fairly reserved, low key kind of friend who doesn't make demands on others, but I do need something of an emotional connection. And by that I don't mean crying over a bottle of wine each week. I mean, just having something of a friendly, personal connection with a long time mate. It's like that with other friends, some more and some less than others. The sharing back and forth of how we are, what we're up to, what life is throwing at us. Friendship. Just simple friendship, nothing intense and exhausting.

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 22/02/2019 20:14

I would probably be a bit irritated at you cancelling when the child's father is there to be honest

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