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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why she didn't ask how my daughter was?

107 replies

lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:02

a week ago I had to cancel a night out with a couple of friends because my daughter was throwing up and didn't want me to leave her.(could've left her with dh, but she wanted me) She was really poorly for a few days afterwards as well. I'd bought and paid for all our tickets for the concert and was gutted that I couldn't go. My friends still both went and had a good time. One of them hasn't asked me then or since how my daughter is. She regularly speaks to us in WhatsApp but didn't mention the fact that I couldn't go or ask how my daughter was. Don't want to drip feed but she just doesn't seem all that interested in my life at all. I always ask how her children are. I'm not needy at all, totally get that people have busy lives. She just doesn't seem to care. I'm retraining at the moment, which is a massive life change for me but she hasn't asked one thing about that either. I'm more bothered about the fact that my child was ill and she didn't even mention it. Am I being daft? Is this pretty standard and I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
Korvalscat · 22/02/2019 17:39

I would have acknowledged your message and replied with something similar to your other friend ie "that's a shame, hope she feels better soon". I would probably forget to ask you if your dd was better the next time I saw you though.

Yukka · 22/02/2019 17:39

does this friend have kids? if she's changing the subject when you're out in a groups, maybe she has child issues of her own that you don't know about.

If she's generally disinterested then it doesn't sounds like a great friendship.

Have you asked her recently how things are in her life. Parents to talk about their kids A LOT.

ssd · 22/02/2019 17:40

Mn is a weird place these days.
If course your friend should or could have asked about your kid, how long would that gave taken, 2 minutes tops?? A bit of thought and kindness costs absolutely nothing. If you as the mum were concerned enough to cancel a night out then she should have at least asked how things were now. But she sounds the sort who are all me me me and it won't occur to her to ever ask.
Such is life.

Charley50 · 22/02/2019 17:42

You're overthinking it. They just forgot.

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:45

I don't know. Maybe we just don't have much in common anymore. We go out in a group and she hardly talks. For me, friendship is about sharing stuff, talking about our lives and sharing news etc. Yes, she has two older kids. I think I've just mentally noted stuff over several years and ask myself what I'm getting from this friendship. There have been several big things recently including a bereavement, (don't want to list stuff as drip feeding and quite identifying) but whereas she's shown an interest in similar stuff from mutual friends, she doesn't seem bothered when it's me. This daft thing with my daughter was maybe the straw that broke the camels back.

OP posts:
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 22/02/2019 17:46

I'm really surprised at these responses lottiebel123 especially one even suggesting you shouldn't have dropped out because your child was sick. Really? Of course you can't go out and enjoy yourself leaving your child at home vomiting.
I also think your friend is rude and unfriendly not to have mentioned it at the time ("really sorry you can't make it - hope your DD is better soon") but also not to have mentioned it since ("really sorry you missed a great night - thanks for organising and hope Dd is better now") - it really doesn't take very much at all and it's that sort of concern for one another that is the glue in friendships.

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:49

thanks onemorecup, I did wonder if I should've just left her when her Dad returned. I know I'd have worried about her all evening though and it would've upset her that I left.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 22/02/2019 17:53

I've got friends who seem to like others in our group more than they like me, and I've got friends in our group who I like more than others. I don't make a big deal of it, and try not to make it obvious, but I think it's normal really. Some people you just click with more. Try not to worry about it. Sometimes it's just a phase and sometimes it's just the way it is.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 22/02/2019 17:55

I know I'd have worried about her all evening though and it would've upset her that I left

Of course! That's completely understandable and it's not as if it meant she wasn't still able to go - she still had your other friend to go with. I've got tons of friends with children and I can't think of any of them who would not have shown concern for your daughter being sick and also about you missing the night out.
I think from some of the other stuff you've said she's not behaving particularly nicely towards you - I'd be mixing with different friends if it was me.

PalmTree101 · 22/02/2019 17:56

Seriously, your fiends don't really give a shiny shit about your daughters tummy bug.

BlueMerchant · 22/02/2019 17:59

I'd have expected a true friend to ask about my daughter. I would have made a point to ask about hers if she had cancelled due to her daughter not being well. What she was unwell with would be irrelevant. I'd still ask. Sounds like she sees you as just so done to 'hang-out' with and is not interested in nurturing a close friendship with you.

caughtinanet · 22/02/2019 17:59

I have a lot going on in my life and while I'd hope I'd remember to ask I can't swear that I would as a small child upchucking is so far off my radar it likely wouldn't register longer than it took me to read the message, it's stressful enough without having to worry about friends blowing stuff out of proportion, I'm a private person so my friends don't know about what I deal with.

BlueMerchant · 22/02/2019 18:00

someone

WildFlower2019 · 22/02/2019 18:01

Are you active on social media by any chance? I'm just thinking that I didn't think to ask my brother how my niece is after her recent bout of sicknesss because I'd seen my SILs status updates on Facebook and their photos so I know she's ok. I also get fully informed of their latest movements from my mum, who shares everything with me.

Just a suggestion x

FriarTuck · 22/02/2019 18:01

As it was a minor illness and you had the choice to leave her with your husband the friend probably thinks you were simply making excuses not to go.
This ^^. And the fact that it was only a stomach bug.

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 18:02

no, I wasn't on social media at all. I haven't facebooked for a few weeks.

OP posts:
ssd · 22/02/2019 18:03

The they don't sound like the sort of friend you should give a shiny shit about either then

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 18:06

and if I hadn't wanted to go I wouldn't have been the one to go out and purchase the tickets for all three of us weeks in advance

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 22/02/2019 18:07

I think if it had been a more serious illness, an enquiry would have been in order but a run of the mill tummy bug - I wouldn’t get too upset about.

I do have one friend who favours talking about the children quite a bit more than I want to (I want to talk about other stuff in the evening with no DC in tow) and our mutual friend doesn’t have children and she definitely doesn’t want to talk kids. Might you be more keen to talk kidstuff than your friend?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 22/02/2019 18:09

I work full time with a toddler , no cleaners etc and I can still ask after a friend and their life when we speak. It takes two secs in a convo or a msg so say “hope she’s ok now”. But this is MN where people are fully entitled not to give a damn about your children and you are utterly self absorbed if you expect a friend to be a friend.

Outnotdown · 22/02/2019 18:09

It's common courtesy to say something along the lines of "missed you at the concert, hope your dd is better"

Even my casual acquaintances would bother their arse to do that much

IWouldLikeToKnow · 22/02/2019 18:10

You see, sometimes I think I can come across as disinterested, when really I just don't like to be nosey. I feel if someone what's me to know something, they'll tell me.

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 18:12

yeah @Outnotdown its the cant be arsed attitude I'm feeling.
I don't expect much and I know people have busy lives but it's just a bit careless, a bit CBA to not to say anything in response

OP posts:
Springwalk · 22/02/2019 18:12

Your dd has a stomach bug op, all childen have them. Not a terminal illness.
Most people are way too busy with their own lives and sick children to have the time to enquire about every last sick bug and cold your dd has. Unless the child is hospitalised and/or seriously ill.

You sound like hard work. I would not the patience or time for this level of over sensitivity/expectation.

slashlover · 22/02/2019 18:16

One friend said "that's a shame, hope she feels better soon" and the other friend saw it but didn't reply.

I take it this is a group WhatsApp? Did you reply to this? Either you replied and she didn't feel the need to ask or you didn't and she may have though it was serious and didn't want to intrude.

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