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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why she didn't ask how my daughter was?

107 replies

lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 17:02

a week ago I had to cancel a night out with a couple of friends because my daughter was throwing up and didn't want me to leave her.(could've left her with dh, but she wanted me) She was really poorly for a few days afterwards as well. I'd bought and paid for all our tickets for the concert and was gutted that I couldn't go. My friends still both went and had a good time. One of them hasn't asked me then or since how my daughter is. She regularly speaks to us in WhatsApp but didn't mention the fact that I couldn't go or ask how my daughter was. Don't want to drip feed but she just doesn't seem all that interested in my life at all. I always ask how her children are. I'm not needy at all, totally get that people have busy lives. She just doesn't seem to care. I'm retraining at the moment, which is a massive life change for me but she hasn't asked one thing about that either. I'm more bothered about the fact that my child was ill and she didn't even mention it. Am I being daft? Is this pretty standard and I need to get a grip?

OP posts:
ssd · 22/02/2019 18:17

Blimey you sound hard work yourself springwalk

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 18:18

over sensitive? Perhaps. It just felt a bit bizarre ignoring my message, and not something I'd do.

OP posts:
Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 18:21

yeah, it was a group WhatsApp. I think the context changed it for me, as there have been several occasions recently where I've got a CBA vibe from her. I've gone through some tricky stuff and kept most to myself but when I've mentioned stuff, radio silence. And stuff thats actually quite important and massive to me like retraining. Friends ask friends about their lives, dont they? I do. Not the Spanish inquisition, but a level of interest is shown. It's just basic manners to show that you give a shit no?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 22/02/2019 18:23

Honestly? I wouldn’t ask about a stomach bug in case I got lurid vomit details. Shock
Many people are so busy trying to live their own lives that they don’t have time for the day to day details of other people’s. She may have her own stuff going on.

PalmTree101 · 22/02/2019 18:26

It's common courtesy to say something along the lines of "missed you at the concert, hope your dd is better"

Why though? Would you as after every cough and cold? You checking up on the tummy bug has no impact on the child who has been throwing up. It is a pointless exercise, designed only to virtue signal that you 'care' when really all you did was exchange a few meaningless words. Meaningless because you already know the child is fine, because friend would have said if she was actually really ill.

Babygrey7 · 22/02/2019 18:26

Really? Kids get sick 3-4 times a year, I would never expect further enquiries unless it was serious/unusual (blue lighted in, or something)

You are overthinking and oversensitive, maybe, just a little

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 18:27

take my dd out of the equation for a second.
If your friend couldn't come for an evening out at the last minute because something happened and they sent a message to say so, would you respond to it or ignore it?

OP posts:
notanothernam · 22/02/2019 18:29

I wouldn't have asked most likely, and they may be a bit annoyed that you cancelled if your husband was home.

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 18:32

interesting replies, thanks

OP posts:
Springwalk · 22/02/2019 18:34

I may be busy with own life and not have time to reply. I generally don’t reply to every single thing or sometimes I just forget.

It’s called being human. Cut her some slack and move on, it’s such a minor thing. You may find out next week that something awful happened that night or she had bad news. She may have felt the other friend was speaking for both of them.

Chill.

Springwalk · 22/02/2019 18:39

And if she is always ignoring your messages then maybe she finds them overly demanding/annoying. Retraining? How is that ever going to be massively Important?

This is a wind up surely

Smoggle · 22/02/2019 18:39

It would have been polite of her to ask after your dd, but honestly I would have been annoyed to have been dumped when the child's father was there.

ballsdeep · 22/02/2019 18:42

I would have asked. Surely its rude not to??!

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 18:43

not a wind up, no. I've completely changed my job and am retraining to a totally new career. She hasn't asked one thing about it. Is it really demanding and annoying to wonder why a friend never asks how you are or want to know about your life?

OP posts:
slashlover · 22/02/2019 18:51

Did you reply to other person's message on the group chat?

Chamomileteaplease · 22/02/2019 18:53

I don't think it is weird not to ask after your daughter after a few days when it was nothing serious.

But I do think it is weird not to message a reply on the night. And it does sound like she isn't that interested in you. I hope you get on with the other friends better Smile.

Evilspiritgin · 22/02/2019 18:54

I would have just sent a quick message saying hope she’s better soon, while being pleased that you stayed at home home with the pukey person and that you didn’t bring the bug with you

bullyingadvice2017 · 22/02/2019 18:55

I have older kids. Had mine young. Now they are quite independent and bigger. Lots of my long time friends are at the small child stage. I would not follow up. if you said she was in hospital/ having a op or ongoing medical issues I would ask later. But a chucking up episode? That's what happens with small kids.

I do have one friend who we all would have had to ask about it. But tbh she is very high maintenance and it's draining keeping up with her drama.

Evilspiritgin · 22/02/2019 18:55

As they say on Mumsnet go low contact, she’s not bothered about you anymore sorry

Passing4Human · 22/02/2019 18:56

Some folk just lack common courtesy OP. Anyone nice/kind I know would have asked. I wouldn't let it take up too much headspace though.

PtahNeith · 22/02/2019 18:57

If she's withdrawn and barely talks in a group how is that about you?

Maybe there's something going on for her that's causing her to become quiet and withdrawn, and she's wondering why her so called friends are too self involved to notice. If one of my friends had become noticeably quiet and withdrawn in a group setting I'd be worrying about them not myself.

It was a group chat. As long as somebody acknowledged it, I can see why she might not have responded.

I can't believe you'd consider the non event of her not being desperately concerned about your child's upset stomach to be the "straw that broke the camel's back". Come off it.

ShaggyRug · 22/02/2019 18:58

My friends and I always ask after our kids if they’ve been unwell. It’s just supporting a friend. Not a big questionnaire. Just a, “hope DC is feeling better, let me know if you need anything”. It’s just how my friends are and sad that she’s not that friend to you. Sadly not everyone has it in them to offer that support for whatever reasons. YANBU OP. Hope your DD is all better. I’d not have gone if DD was poorly either.

IvanaPee · 22/02/2019 19:00

Are you a teeny bit of a drama queen?

The drama of dropping out at the last minute and your dd being “distressed” at being with her dad because she had a tummy bug.

Retraining being a HUGE deal...

I only ask because my sister is a total drama queen and it can be very wearing. Honestly it’s easier to ignore most of it. Cause if you give it oxygen it goes and goes and goes...

Yabbers · 22/02/2019 19:03

Of course you can't go out and enjoy yourself leaving your child at home vomiting.
Well, you could if it were a big O2 gig and the tickets were, like, 50 quid or something.

Original poster
lottiebel123 · 22/02/2019 19:03

lol, nope. I'm probably the very least drama lallamery friend in our group. Very low maintenance. In fact, I've noticed amongst other friend groups, that it seems the big drama llamas are the ones who get the support and the interest. Maybe I should be less self contained and self sufficient and more drama llama?!

OP posts: