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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend slept with a stag on night out

489 replies

HopeDog · 22/02/2019 11:50

On a night out recently and a friend starting chatting to a group of men on a stag night. She ended up going back to a hotel with, and had sex with the stag.

She thinks she is bu as she is single.

Aibu to think she is wrong?

OP posts:
mooncuplanding · 22/02/2019 13:54

he's still a dick and 100% at fault

100% his fault? How? Presumably she consented to this - what I'm sure was a life fulfilling experience?

She took no responsibility for her behaviour even though she will be indirectly harming someone, which last time I looked good people don't do.

She is not fully responsible by any means, but she could have said no and held her head high knowing she was not the one who indirectly caused harm to someone else.

Apple103 · 22/02/2019 13:55

I would think of her a cheap thing with no morals. Off course they are both to blame but he isnt my friend and nothing to do with me. I would distance myself from her.

lostelephant · 22/02/2019 13:56

They both knew he wasn't single, they're both equally responsible.

What a load of shit. How is a single woman equally responsible for a man cheating on his WTB?

Asta19 · 22/02/2019 13:56

They are force fed alcohol half the time and encouraged on all sides to have their last bit of freedom

Whilst I respect you have your own view on how you would feel. If I were getting married I would hope that I had chosen a man who was strong enough to resist! If he wasn't then he wouldn't be the man I thought he was.

mooncuplanding · 22/02/2019 13:57

I see “girl code” as a trite myth

It clearly is a myth if this thread is anything to go by !

Lovemusic33 · 22/02/2019 13:57

Part of me thinks it’s 100% his fault. If it wasn’t her it probably would have been someone else? He’s a dick and cheated on his wife to be and will probably cheat on her many times throughout their marriage.

But then a part of me thinks your friend is tacky for sleeping with someone she knew was getting married, she could have fucked someone else?

pinkgloves · 22/02/2019 13:57

I'd not want to spend time with someone that was prepared to do that. I'd be backing off from her from now on.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 22/02/2019 14:02

This is not like an affair though. In those circumstances there is some attraction and an acknowledgement of a potential relationship.
The only possible reason you’re friend could have for shagging the stag was for an ego boost or a tick in the box.

Of course the stag has a responsibility to say no and should want to quite frankly, but at least he’ll have to live his marriage knowing he cheated at the last minute and any potential fallout thereafter.. Your friend can skip into the sunset with the story of how she scored with the stag.
Doing something immoral because “ you can” is completely shit in my book.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 22/02/2019 14:02

@CripsSandwiches no, it isn't "ridiculous" thanks. I'm just so thankful reading this thread that I clearly surround myself with people whose morals are similar to mine and not similar to the mumsnet majority. Knowingly sleeping with an engaged man is a shit thing to do. End of.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 22/02/2019 14:03

@lostelephant because she clearly knew he was engaged!!! How is she not at least partially responsible?

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 22/02/2019 14:08

When I was younger I had a friend who would actively go for stags out on their stag do for ONSs - as if she saw it as a personal challenge to get a bloke who was about to promise himself to another woman to sleep with her.

We weren't friends for very long after I saw her in action.

Of course the guy has a responsibility to say "no thanks, I'm in a relationship". But wouldn't it be great if fewer women made it easy for them to get their dicks wet in another woman?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/02/2019 14:08

What happened to a nice meal and a few drinks with close friends to celebrate? It's becoming so far detached from being anything to do with the wedding now it just seems like a big excuse to get fucked up and behave like a twat.

Trixie is spot on - it used to be a sort of "farewell to your virginity" Grin , then became a bit of harmless silliness - your last chance to get plastered! - now it seems to be a ridiculous one-upmanship "I can do anything I want because I'm as pissed as a newt and really, really loads of fun" carry on.

I look forward to it going full(ish) circle to where the bride and groom's friends just had a meal and a drink to wish them well.

JacquesHammer · 22/02/2019 14:15

It clearly is a myth if this thread is anything to go by

Why should women be helf accountable for their behaviour simply because they're a woman?

By all mean I agree, being a decent person means you consider how your actions might affect others. But we should equally be holding men to that standard, rather than saying it is the sole bastion of women to be bound by rules of the sisterhood.

MrMeeseekscando · 22/02/2019 14:16

Not everyone has a traditional relationship.
What if his fiancee was aware he may have some fun?
Not your place to judge.

Kaddm · 22/02/2019 14:21

Horrible thing to do. Anyone thinking it’s ok - how would you feel if your husband did this on his stag do? Terrible behaviour from him and your friend is lacking in humanity and decency to do this knowing he’s the stag. Despite the fact she is single, it’s just appalling and your friend needs to grow up and give some shits about the rest of the people on the planet whether she knows them or not.

mooncuplanding · 22/02/2019 14:22

Why should women be helf accountable for their behaviour simply because they're a woman?

I think you miss the reality of the world. I can see it on this thread by many people saying they would struggle to be friends with this woman.

Throughout human cultures, females have banded together for protection and mutual support. They have groomed each other, look after each other’s children, nursed each other in illness and engaged in aimless sociability that generally mystifies males.

Maybe you don't value it, but many / most women do. So yes, it is a woman thing. What is wrong with that? We are not men?

Sirzy · 22/02/2019 14:23

Everyone should be accountable for their own behaviour, and consider the consequences of that behaviour.

Cheeeeislifenow · 22/02/2019 14:25

It's nothing to do with being accountable for mend behavior, it's about your own moral compass or lack thereof in some cases.
People need to be accountable for themselves.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 22/02/2019 14:25

Totally agree @mooncuplanding why not treat our fellow women as sisters and support each other

Lalliella · 22/02/2019 14:27

He is a scumbag, she is a free agent. I wouldn’t lose her as a friend over this, it’s up to here what she does, she isn’t responsible to anyone.

Sirzy · 22/02/2019 14:27

So we should support women no mater what they do? Errm no thanks!

JacquesHammer · 22/02/2019 14:28

why not treat our fellow women as sisters and support each other

Why assume women always are worthy of support...

LoudBatPerson · 22/02/2019 14:29

But then a part of me thinks your friend is tacky for sleeping with someone she knew was getting married, she could have fucked someone else?

^ Absolutely she could have and it is now a choice that I woudl have made, but still the stag is the one who is mostly in the wrong.

If this woman didn't sleep with the stag I would bet a lot on that fact the stag would have just gone after someone else. I don't for a second believe it only happened because this particular woman made it happen, I would say that the stag intended to have a ONS with someone/anyone that night.

Women shouldn't have to make it less easy for men to "get their dicks wet" as was stated upthread. Men need to accountable for their own choices, and also accountable for the pressure they put on each other to act this way.

LoudBatPerson · 22/02/2019 14:30

^my post above should say NOT a choice I would make.

I really want an edit button.

mooncuplanding · 22/02/2019 14:31

So we should support women no mater what they do? Errm no thanks!

That is sort of the point of this thread. A woman who knowingly does that to another woman - what do we think of her?

Lots of people think she is now untrustworthy and would be ejected from their female social circle. So the girl code must exist right? She has broken the rules and her female friendships will suffer.

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