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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend slept with a stag on night out

489 replies

HopeDog · 22/02/2019 11:50

On a night out recently and a friend starting chatting to a group of men on a stag night. She ended up going back to a hotel with, and had sex with the stag.

She thinks she is bu as she is single.

Aibu to think she is wrong?

OP posts:

JingsMahBucket · 22/02/2019 12:36

Tell your friend to get checked for sexually transmitted infections in a few days. I’m serious. If that guy was so easily willing to do that with a stranger right before his wedding, he’s probably done it lots before. He’s likely been around the block quite a few times. I sincerely hope they used protection.

BartonHollow · 22/02/2019 12:36

Agree with the people saying that it's always the WOMEN who get blamed for a MAN'S infidelity

The wife for not giving him enough attention
The other woman for "stealing" as though the man has no free will and has made no choices

YANBU though if I was aware the man was the stag and therefore attached it's just desperately tacky, and buying into "last night of freedom" idea and she has put a low value on herself as much as the bride to be

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 22/02/2019 12:39

He's more responsible but she's still in the wrong.

// This.

I also agree with Bitchqueen about the concept of Girl Code however sleeping with someone who you know is about to get married is a crappy thing to do. I had a dude fed one night stands before DH however I would never knowingly sleep with a guy who was attached. It's been done to me and it feels shitty. I'm guessing he only saw your friend as a shag.

All a bit sad really, his poor fiancée (sp?)

lostelephant · 22/02/2019 12:42

Your friend isn't the one with loyalty to the bride to be, the stag is. Why should she as a single woman be made to feel guilty?

lostelephant · 22/02/2019 12:44

I'm guessing he only saw your friend as a shag.

And I'm sure that she only sees him as a shag too, that's kind of the point of a one night stand

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/02/2019 12:44

Urgh - I get that she's single and has no responsibility to anyone else in this scenario, but I'd still think the worse of her for sleeping with some bloke who is about to marry another woman. It's a bit desperate and completely lacking in morality, even though she's not technically doing anything wrong herself.

As for him, well. I hope his wife-to-be finds out and dumps him.

thecatsthecats · 22/02/2019 12:45

I have come to realise over the years that people who behave badly towards other people may be your friends, but that will never stop them from one day including you in their bad behaviour.

Somehow, eventually down the line, you will be actively hurt by or damaged by the consequences of them being a shitty human being.

My husband suffered this recently, with his best friend of many years. Anyone else could see that this man had low boundaries and morals, it just took a long time for it to be directed at my husband.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 22/02/2019 12:47

I think the following applies to men and women. Treat others as you would want to be treated. So if in her code of ethics she doesn't care if her future husband sleeps with someone else on his stag do then she has nothing to feel bad about. Doubt it though.

TidyDancer · 22/02/2019 12:50

The woman is not responsible for the mans behaviour or relationship so I definitely consider him to be more 'at fault' for this, however her behaviour is not fantastic and I'm not sure why you'd want to have a ONS in that circumstance - it's not as if it's a longer standing attraction that she's suddenly not been able to resist, etc. I'm not saying that's justified either, but it's more understandable on the woman's part.

So I do think they are both at fault and both fairly grim, but definitely the man more so.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 22/02/2019 12:50

Thanks Lostel . Realise I stated the obvious there it was meant to reflect the regard I think he had for her.

And agree she doesn't owe anyone anything but if you knowingly create a situation that will cause hurt to another person then your actions are twattish.

Cheeeeislifenow · 22/02/2019 12:52

Your friend isn't the one with loyalty to the bride to be, the stag is. Why should she as a single woman be made to feel guilty?

Is that really how you would feel if you were the unsuspecting bride in these circumstances.

lostelephant · 22/02/2019 12:54

Is that really how you would feel if you were the unsuspecting bride in these circumstances.

My anger would be towards my husband to be, not somebody whose never met me.

MysweetAudrina · 22/02/2019 12:55

Well unless she deliberately made a play for him because she knew he was getting married and did it for the challenge I dont think she did anything wrong. He is the one with the problem. A one night stand is just that, sex with no strings. She was in a position to do that he wasn't.
I dont expect women I dont know to have my back would I would expect the person I am about to marry to.

PalmTree101 · 22/02/2019 12:57

Not her issue.

Personally I wouldn't think much of her self esteem i she needed to get of on that, but he is the one getting married not her.

PalmTree101 · 22/02/2019 12:58

Is that really how you would feel if you were the unsuspecting bride in these circumstances.

Because men can't control themselves if a woman flaunts herself? Should we all wear burkas so stags don't get tempted by our brazen naked faces and be forced to bend us over and give us a good fucking?

Pk37 · 22/02/2019 13:00

She knew so that makes her just as bad .
She doesn’t have to answer to his poor fiancée but she should answer to herself .
The stag is rancid and I hope his future wife gets away before she makes a terrible mistake

SlipperOrchid · 22/02/2019 13:02

I have come to realise over the years that people who behave badly towards other people may be your friends, but that will never stop them from one day including you in their bad behaviour.

This is both wise and true.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 22/02/2019 13:03

If she didn't realise he was the stag that's maybe different. Although from the stag parties I've seen if you get chatting this will be obvious pretty quickly.

If she knew then she's not a nice person.

Cheeeeislifenow · 22/02/2019 13:04

*Is that really how you would feel if you were the unsuspecting bride in these circumstances.

Erhm no.... obviously the man Is a scumbag.
But the responsibility lies with both of them as she knew he was on his stag. It's a shitty thing to do and I really don't understand your comparison, it makes no sense.

Cheeeeislifenow · 22/02/2019 13:06

@lostel so if you fancy a man and he is married that's okay because you aren't?
I don't get that logic do people not have morals?

Cheeeeislifenow · 22/02/2019 13:06

Wish you could bloody edit

... It's okay to persue him not just fancy from afar?

MammaMia19 · 22/02/2019 13:08

The stag is in the wrong not your friend. She's single and has no ties, he can say no and didn't have to sleep with her even if she did initiate it. I wouldn't sleep with a married man but I also wouldn't feel bad if I was her.

sunshineandshowers21 · 22/02/2019 13:08

when a group of us were away for a hen do my male friend did this - with a man who was marrying a woman. he even bought him back to our shared room! i had to go knocking on hotel room doors in the early hours of the morning for someone to let me in to share one of their beds. i didn’t talk to him for the rest of the trip and a lot of the other girls let him know how disgusted they were. one of the girls even had a go at the stag when she saw him the next day and told
him that he should be ashamed of himself.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 22/02/2019 13:10

Reading this is honest giving me the rage. Yes, he's at fault but obviously obviously obviously SO IS SHE. It's utterlshit behaefeom Both of them.

BabyDarlingDollfaceHoney · 22/02/2019 13:11

*utterly shit behaviour from

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