To ask if you regret having a small wedding?

[gigi556]

DP and I have been together for 5 years and have one DS nearly 2. His family live here in the UK and my family all live in the USA. The majority of our friends live here in the UK. DP is divorced and I've never been married.

I was always adamant I would never have kids before I was married and even that I didn't want to live together before I was married but changed my mind as my priorities seemed different when I met DP. We are a bit older and felt prioritizing buying a house and starting a family was more important at the time. I also did not push for marriage because I really could never reconcile in my head The Who, what and where of a wedding when our families live 1000s of miles away.

Fast forward to now. I really want to be married. It's really important to me and I regret not doing it sooner as life has a way of it never being a good time especially now we have a son.

My "dream" wedding would be a casual village hall type affair with all our friends and family (that can come). Nothing fancy or overly expensive. A close friend of mine passed away a few months ago and this has pushed me towards wanting "everyone" to be there as I feel opportunities to see everyone and celebrate the milestones of life are few and far between.

DP says he wants to get married but I think would be happy to carry on as we are. The legal status isn't as important to him but I'm definitely "it" for him. His first wedding has obviously traumatized him a bit as the costs spiraled and they spent £20k which was 2x original budget. We don't have spare money at the moment and he doesn't think we can do my "dream" wedding for less than £6k-£7k. I think we can do it for less but I also know that we will have help from my dad as he paid for my sisters wedding at a significant cost. He's quite proud and although I think he'd accept help, I think he'd rather not or not entirely.

Anyway, we are booked to go to the states in April and the idea of getting married while we are out there has been mooted. Very small civil service with food after at a restaurant or hotel with 20-25 close friends/family. On the one hand, it means we'd finally just do it. I'd have my immediate family there and a couple of friends. I do think it'd be lovely. My priority is being married rather than getting married but I'm worried I'd regret not having any of his family there and none of our friends from here. I could get excited about it, but equally I feel a bit meh about the idea as it definitely feels like a big compromise. Funny enough, before we had DS, I would definitely have eloped just the two of us (this no longer appeals as we'd have to take our son!!)

Anyway, if you're still reading, did you have a small "compromise" wedding and regret it? Or were you happy you just did it?

As a side note, DP has suggested having a party here in the UK at later date but I really don't see the point as I feel it's really not the same as a wedding.

My wedding was at a local hotel 50 people cost £5k, absolutely amazing day I wouldn’t change a thing

Best decision we ever made. Costs were getting absolutely crazy, the politics between our family members was a huge source of stress. We didn't really have many friends or family anyway to come, so in the end I just said I was fed up of planning a ridiculously expensive wedding, I personally just wanted to go away just us and marry on our own, no politics etc. So we did, relatives got the video of it if they wanted to see it. We recently went to a beautiful huge wedding for a family.member, and it was lovely but definitely reaffirmed our little wedding was perfect for us personally.

I will be getting maried this year.

There will be no guests, no celebration, no special outfits. just the procedure and back home for a cuppa.
It;s purely for financial/legal reasons.

If you were happy with the idea, you wouldn’t have asked mn. I think your idea sounds lovely.

No I don't. Just the two of us, we went to the US, had two rather lovely random strangers as witnesses then went to a nice restaurant. We had the perfect day.

I regret my wedding, however like you it was important that everyone was there and it spiralled. I regret being railroaded into lots of things. My dh laughs about it as he remembers the day fondly, I on the other hand didn't enjoy it and have always felt sad that it didn't measure up to expectations.

I have never regretted being married and wished we had done intimate small
followed by a party with friends!

We had about 30 guests and I don’t regret it at all but that was our ideal wedding. Good luck.

You can 100% have the wedding you have said you'd like for less than 6k.
Registry office then hire a village hall for the reception, provide your own food.

We had a church wedding, 40 people for the day and about 65 for the evening. The reception was at a hotel. The photographer and videographer alone cost about 2.1k and the church was 700. But we did the whole wedding for church over 7k. You don't have to have a photographer as expensive as I did.

I bought my wedding dress in a sale, went with a nice hotel that had a very good deal on, made the bouquets and decorations myself. Our rings were 1k but 2 rings can also cost you about 50 quid.

Got married in Vegas, not all of my family/friends could make it, but the marriage bit was the most important thing to me and don't regret it. Also meant we didn't start married life in debt as was a one-price-for-everything job.

I think OP you do want a bash, there's nothing wrong with that, but it sounds as If you want to be married more? Maybe focus on that.

Yes first was just witnesses and regretted it.
Second big registry office and then big hall reception for 150. Spent £5k but you can do much cheaper if less people and cut more corners.

Not a bit. We had a very casual registry office wedding (luckily our registry office is stunning) and then hired a venue that actually belonged to the council but was beautiful and had a BBQ and a band.

People remember good food, reasonably priced drinks and good music at a wedding. People still tell us how much they enjoyed ours and it was OURS not to fit the mould of how weddings 'should be.

We had a small wedding. 10 people (all immediate family) in a register office and lunch at a hotel afterwards. Cost us 2k in total. Don't regret a thing. I've been to about 6 weddings since, all massive 20k+ type affairs with brides who looked frazzled and stressed out bridesmaids. DH and I always exchange a 'glad we did it our way' glance.
Ours was probably the most chilled out wedding there could have been. No regrets at all.

We did a similarish thing, had a small registry office wedding where we live then had a party in my home town for the masses of extended family.

Never regretted it for a second but the small wedding was my dream wedding. It sounds like it's important to you to have all your family and friends around you - I don't think you should compromise on that.

We got married on our own, no guests at all. Hotel supplied wrnesses. We got married on a glorious sunny day in the grounds of a beautiful country house hotel on the banks of Lake Windermere.

I have no regrets. Family are still prety furious though!
But I’d hate a big wedding, I think they are ridiculous. So much faff.

I got married last year - just us and both sets of parents. Everything including rings, honeymoon, ceremony etc. was less than 2k.

I had a big wedding and regret it. I just look at that day with sadness nearly 2 years later. I do live my DH though and I don’t regret marrying him, just hated the wedding. He loved it.

As a result we are going to renew our vows in a few years time abroad.

So it could go either way OP!

Given your family is in the US and your DP's is here, are you really ever going to get everyone in one place? What the people I know in that situation have done is got married in one country and then had a party in the other. While the 2nd party isn't the same as the wedding, people do understand the problems you face with 2 countries - to be honest it feels more consideration than being excluded unless you can afford the cost and time to travel to the 'real' wedding overseas. Why not ask a few of your friends about how they'd feel about you having a party in the UK after a wedding in the US - they may be a lot more positive about it than you are expecting?

We only had 20 guests and a sit down meal - no big do, and I got my dress from e-bay. Total costs less than £1000.

I don't regret it at all. I'd regret it if I'd spent ££££ on a day which, though it was lovely, is now only a distant memory.

Small wedding is one thing, but I think I would regret not inviting friends and family. My dh and I are originally from different countries. We got married in the UK and plenty of my non-UK family and friends still managed to make it. I wouldn’t rush into it just to get it done. It’s a special day and a big commitment and you don’t have to spend £20K, but I would want to plan and put some thought into it, get some pre marriage counselling, plan a ceremony, etc. You only do it once.

We had 50 people and I think it was the perfect size - all the people we really wanted and no hangers on who hardly knew us.

Will you get 20-25 people to go out to the US? With the cost, annual leave, etc you might be disappointed. Foreign weddings tend to just transfer the bulk of the cost from the couple to their guests...

Married abroad with 25 family and close friends, gorgeous 2 week holiday and less than £10k, could easily have done it for 5-7k with different choices. Planning was stress-free, and completely understood if someone couldn't make it. It was the right decision for us and have no regrets.

I have no regrets at all.
It was just the two of us while on holiday in New York and the only ‘guest’ was our son who was then one year old and we asked two random strangers to witness.

Megan, your wedding sounds fabulous. DP and I would love something similar, but there would definitely be family fallout, a bit like your situation

We did Gretna Green. Just us and toddler son. Tourists at witnesses. Was perfect for us. We got married which is what we wanted most, made it special but had none of the where and who debate that come with people (or costs).

I wouldn't change my wedding, we both had huge families so it was go big or go very small. We looked at venues, hiring land and marquees to accommodate everyone but I really couldn't justify the costs. In the end we had our closest family (parents, siblings, grandparents) and our closest friends (37 in total), reg office, pub lunch (had the place to ourselves) and then back to ours for a garden party where more friends were invited (cost under 5k for everything). After our honeymoon, my mil hosted a large party for my husbands side of the family who didn't come to the wedding day as a wedding celebration and my grandparents did the same for my side, so it felt like the celebrations continued rather than just being one day too.