To ask if you regret having a small wedding?

[gigi556]

DP and I have been together for 5 years and have one DS nearly 2. His family live here in the UK and my family all live in the USA. The majority of our friends live here in the UK. DP is divorced and I've never been married.

I was always adamant I would never have kids before I was married and even that I didn't want to live together before I was married but changed my mind as my priorities seemed different when I met DP. We are a bit older and felt prioritizing buying a house and starting a family was more important at the time. I also did not push for marriage because I really could never reconcile in my head The Who, what and where of a wedding when our families live 1000s of miles away.

Fast forward to now. I really want to be married. It's really important to me and I regret not doing it sooner as life has a way of it never being a good time especially now we have a son.

My "dream" wedding would be a casual village hall type affair with all our friends and family (that can come). Nothing fancy or overly expensive. A close friend of mine passed away a few months ago and this has pushed me towards wanting "everyone" to be there as I feel opportunities to see everyone and celebrate the milestones of life are few and far between.

DP says he wants to get married but I think would be happy to carry on as we are. The legal status isn't as important to him but I'm definitely "it" for him. His first wedding has obviously traumatized him a bit as the costs spiraled and they spent £20k which was 2x original budget. We don't have spare money at the moment and he doesn't think we can do my "dream" wedding for less than £6k-£7k. I think we can do it for less but I also know that we will have help from my dad as he paid for my sisters wedding at a significant cost. He's quite proud and although I think he'd accept help, I think he'd rather not or not entirely.

Anyway, we are booked to go to the states in April and the idea of getting married while we are out there has been mooted. Very small civil service with food after at a restaurant or hotel with 20-25 close friends/family. On the one hand, it means we'd finally just do it. I'd have my immediate family there and a couple of friends. I do think it'd be lovely. My priority is being married rather than getting married but I'm worried I'd regret not having any of his family there and none of our friends from here. I could get excited about it, but equally I feel a bit meh about the idea as it definitely feels like a big compromise. Funny enough, before we had DS, I would definitely have eloped just the two of us (this no longer appeals as we'd have to take our son!!)

Anyway, if you're still reading, did you have a small "compromise" wedding and regret it? Or were you happy you just did it?

As a side note, DP has suggested having a party here in the UK at later date but I really don't see the point as I feel it's really not the same as a wedding.

Ours was small, 30 people all day. Registry office then reception in the function room of the pub my husband worked in.
It was as traditional as we could make it, except we had a buffet not a meal and no honeymoon.
It cost between 3-4 grand (£1650 was my dress veil and alterations), and was planned in 2 months, we had no savings, had a baby on the way and hadn't been together long at all.

I had a teeny wedding - immediate family and two friends only, service in registry office and cream tea afterwards. It was perfect and I wouldn't change a thing.

Ours was small but I’d have preferred if it had been much smaller.

I absolutely wanted a small and intimate ceremony. I would have hated a huge wedding, in fact in my fantasy scenario we would have eloped. So I had a bigger, but still smaller than most, compromise wedding and I do regret it a bit.

(I have a lovely marriage which is the important thing)

I think the idea of a wedding with your family needs to be balanced with a party for his family and friends

You can still do a village hall and if you fancy a blessing or what other friends did was show the video of the ceremony, and had photos on the walls. Bride wore her dress a second time as well. It felt like a wedding and not ‘less’ we also had cake and lots of dancing

Think of it as a wedding breakfast in the states and an evening do in the U.K.

You get both

I regret NOT having a small wedding. Our wedding was taken over by my family and we ended up with relatives and neighbours (of theirs) that we didn't even know.

Years later and it still upsets me that we didn't get the wedding WE wanted.

A friend of mine and her boyfriend went to his home country a few years ago to visit his family and got married while they were they.

I really wish we had eloped. If I was ever getting married again, it would be the two of us and absolutely no one else.

Wedding was just immediate family at a small venue with a meal afterwards. £600 all in.

I don't regret it as I think big weddings are a total waste of money.

@Lottapianos
It was amazing - I'd totally recommend it. Google "Just Us" wedding package at the Cragwood hotel.
You can have a few guests too but most people do it on their own.
My Mum and Dad got over it in the end - MIL not so much....

We had a very casual village hall type affair with about 30 people. It cost less than £1000 and we've never regretted it.

Me and DH had an expensive (ish) wedding which was about £12k but that package only included 60 people, including the bride and groom. We could have paid extra money to have more people there but at the time we thought having 58 guests (including family) would be sufficient.

Our wedding was 5 years ago now and we both still regret not paying to have more guests. There were so many people we wanted to invite but couldn’t because of the numbers and in hindsight I really really wish we’d expressed the package so we could have invited more people.

I'm getting married in April. Us two, two witnesses and a photographer so we have some nice photos. We always wanted to do it just us two, then we decided to maybe invite family etc and still keep it small. It started getting out of hand with family members we didn't have much contact with or really want there being invited, so we went back and said we had changed our minds and were doing it our way.
The stress relief has been amazing. I'm not worried about the wedding at all, we have nobody to please or wonder how/when people would get there etc. It's also saved us a fortune with regards to a reception which people were pushing us towards.

However, that's what we want. A small wedding because we want to get married. I think if you want something else and you can afford it, you should go for it

Not at all.
Just the 2 of us in NYC...no friends or adult dcs. Too complicated.
Great fun

We invited 10 people. Think about who you actually love ie parents, kids maybe a friend or two, siblings. Everyone else is just more cost. I don't regret a second of it. I have friends still paying off their wedding because they took loans out for it and while the weddings were nice, all weddings are pretty much the same in my opinion. Your view of the marriage being more important than the wedding is exactly right.

Those who got married just the two of you, did you tell family and friends before or after? Did anyone just get married in secret and say nothing at all?

We got married in Turkey and had about 10 people. The whole thing cost about £500.

It would have been nice to have a big wedding but I don't regret not having one.

Ours wasn’t a secret, in hindsight I wish we’d not told them first though as then there wouldn't have been so much moaning to listen to!

we had a very small wedding - just the two of us on an island in Fiji but at the time we were living in new Zealand and all our family were in the UK and couldn't travel that far. I was 5 months pregnant and neither of us wanted a lot of organising to do so it was the right choice at the time.I do sometimes regret that that our families missed out particularly my in laws who missed out on both their sons weddings that year as bil and did a similar thing the same year and sil has never married.

Me and dh went to a small wedding two days ago.Registry office ceremony then limo to posh hotel where they had hired a small function room for the whole pm/evening.We had a gorgeous meal then drinks/music.12 people including bride and groom,it was lovely.

Those who got married just the two of you, did you tell family and friends before or after? Did anyone just get married in secret and say nothing at all?

Told no one at all beforehand, other than the two friends who were witnesses (and they only got a couple of days' notice, as we got a cancellation we asked them because they were people who were able to show up in central London at short notice on a weekday). And we didn't tell anyone else afterwards for upwards of six or eight months, possibly more I can't honestly remember. (Not some kind of big announcement, it sort of leaked out very gradually. I'm fairly sure there are still people who don't know we got married.) I could entirely see the virtue of just keeping schtum about it in perpetuity, though we had no family grumbles about not being invited -- which a lot of people seem to think is an inevitability if you get married with just the two of you.

I'm glad we did a really cheap tiny wedding because are getting a divorce now 😂

Ours was a small registry office wedding, 12 guests, then lunch in a hotel. I bought my dress off the peg in a department store, a friend made the cake as our wedding present and I didn't have any bridesmaids. We spent close to a couple of thousand (total) on photographer, flowers and cars - this was 15 years ago so appreciate prices will have increased. The whole thing came in at under £4k. It was an absolutely wonderful day, we were relaxed and enjoyed it and our guests said similar. I wouldn't have changed a thing.

We had a small register office wedding, mid week, 10 guests, then lunch in a gastropub which had a lovely beer garden. Was a fabulous sunny day and then off to Paris the day after.

I had a big wedding and don't regret it for an instant. It was a wonderful day and I'm very happy that we did it the way we did it. However we had the money and no-one got into debt or fell out with anyone about costs/arrangements- I'm sure if that had been the case it would be a different story. I know of people who eloped to Nashville to get married and have zero regrets.

I was on Weddit (reddit wedding planning board), which is US-poster dominated, when I was planning my wedding . One thing that stuck out for me was that for all but the fanciest of weddings, costs in general were much cheaper compared to UK dos. And that was pretty much across the board from venue hire to photographers. If you're not 100% sold on low-key in April and feel it is too much of a compromise, you could have something approaching your 'dream' in 2020, and use this visit to plan. You would also be able to invite some of your partner's side given that they may choose to travel and attend with enough prior warning.

Wow. Lots of responses. Thank you. I'm actually now thinking if we do it, it should maybe be even smaller. I was thinking my folks, sisters family, aunts and uncles and a few friends. Now I'm thinking forget aunties and uncles as I'm only close with a couple of them but would "have to" invite the others!

DPs family wouldn't be able to come due to cost and short notice. Plus his mother has health problems that would preclude her from traveling to the USA. So even if we got married stateside with more notice, it wouldnt make a difference. If we did wait and get married here, a good portion of family would come out as most of them can easily afford to and they would want to.

Lots to think about!

If it's important to you to have all your friends and family and you don't do that, then yes you will regret it.

Find a way to do that within the Budget you have. Do not scimp on the photos + in future years when some of the people are no longer with you, you will appreciate the photos

Another fan of a village hall wedding here. We hired a hall for less than £200 for our reception and we did the ceremony at a registry office on the day before. We spent more on the honeymoon than the wedding and the whole thing remains one of the happiest experiences of my life.