To ask if you regret having a small wedding?

[gigi556]

DP and I have been together for 5 years and have one DS nearly 2. His family live here in the UK and my family all live in the USA. The majority of our friends live here in the UK. DP is divorced and I've never been married.

I was always adamant I would never have kids before I was married and even that I didn't want to live together before I was married but changed my mind as my priorities seemed different when I met DP. We are a bit older and felt prioritizing buying a house and starting a family was more important at the time. I also did not push for marriage because I really could never reconcile in my head The Who, what and where of a wedding when our families live 1000s of miles away.

Fast forward to now. I really want to be married. It's really important to me and I regret not doing it sooner as life has a way of it never being a good time especially now we have a son.

My "dream" wedding would be a casual village hall type affair with all our friends and family (that can come). Nothing fancy or overly expensive. A close friend of mine passed away a few months ago and this has pushed me towards wanting "everyone" to be there as I feel opportunities to see everyone and celebrate the milestones of life are few and far between.

DP says he wants to get married but I think would be happy to carry on as we are. The legal status isn't as important to him but I'm definitely "it" for him. His first wedding has obviously traumatized him a bit as the costs spiraled and they spent £20k which was 2x original budget. We don't have spare money at the moment and he doesn't think we can do my "dream" wedding for less than £6k-£7k. I think we can do it for less but I also know that we will have help from my dad as he paid for my sisters wedding at a significant cost. He's quite proud and although I think he'd accept help, I think he'd rather not or not entirely.

Anyway, we are booked to go to the states in April and the idea of getting married while we are out there has been mooted. Very small civil service with food after at a restaurant or hotel with 20-25 close friends/family. On the one hand, it means we'd finally just do it. I'd have my immediate family there and a couple of friends. I do think it'd be lovely. My priority is being married rather than getting married but I'm worried I'd regret not having any of his family there and none of our friends from here. I could get excited about it, but equally I feel a bit meh about the idea as it definitely feels like a big compromise. Funny enough, before we had DS, I would definitely have eloped just the two of us (this no longer appeals as we'd have to take our son!!)

Anyway, if you're still reading, did you have a small "compromise" wedding and regret it? Or were you happy you just did it?

As a side note, DP has suggested having a party here in the UK at later date but I really don't see the point as I feel it's really not the same as a wedding.

We did a register office job with witnesses off the street purely for financial reasons.
Amazingly we found ourselves excluded from two weddings of couples we knew (apparently we owed people a party)
We don't regret it at all but it certainly opened our eyes to who wants a 'do' and who is your friend just happy to see you committed.

We had a small wedding abroad around twenty guests, long haul destination. Then a big party a few days after we got back with around 100 guests, it was great.

Me and DH snuck away to the local registry office to do the deed. We were going to ask 2 people off the street as witnesses, but at the last moment a friend and her friend came along.
My DH has a huge family and millions of friends, so a proper wedding would have cost the earth and been a nightmare to organise.
We did have a big party the following year, so that we 'paid back' any wedding invitations we'd been invited to.
But i don't regret my tiny, discreet wedding at all.
Last year a member of DH's family had a large wedding and whilst it was wonderful, with a remarkable attention to detail, it would have filled me with horror to have done it for myself, all the faffing about and the cost, just for one day.

I don’t know anyone who regretted having a small wedding.

I know lots of women who regret having a large wedding that they didn’t really want because they felt pushed into it by family and social expectations, “ keeping up with the Joneses”. Who spent a lot of money and two years of their life boring their friends rigid talking about Their Big Day.

I know many MANY more women who regret having ignored the legal contact that is a marriage and focussed on the big party that is a wedding. They and their children are suffering for years because of their foolishness and naivety.

I also think that if you are “older “ ( by which I assume you mean late 30s) and have kids and good jobs then it’s a bit off to expect your father, who must be approaching retirement, to pay for a big party for you.

Be a grown up and plan a party that’s within YOUR own budget.

And for goodness sake, get down to the registry office or solicitors next week and sort out the legalities. This is crucial for the protection of your children AND the parent who has taken maternity leave / gone part time/ is the main carer . I’m assuming that’s you as you say your Dp is happy to go on as you are - if it was him then you would already be married. I don’t know any men who have made any career or financial sacrifices for a women who have no legal commitment to them.

I think you have to do what feels right for you. I had a small wedding for 40. But I. Ever, ever wanted a bigger affair or in truth to get married (was my husband’s wish). I would have hated a bug wedding but that’s me. If you feel like you want something else fight for it. You can definitely do it cheaply it just involves taking on a lot more work yourself rather than paying for it.

Also, if you have a small wedding then a "big part" at another date, isn't that just the same as having a big wedding, with the traditional big do? Just a larger gap between the legalities and the do?

Your question was " do you regret having a small wedding?" I expect you would have had different answers, if you had asked "did you enjoy having a large wedding?"

It really doesn't matter what kind of weddings other people had. You need to think about what suits you. What leaps out at me is that with some family in USA and some in the UK, it's highly unlikely that you'll manage a wedding which includes both sides of the family, without asking some of your guests to spend a lot of money travelling overseas, which can lead to its own problems

I think a good compromise might be to have a small low-key wedding in USA with your family, followed by a celebration party in the UK with your DP's family and your friends. It may well be that your DP doesn't want a wedding which is similar to his first wedding. Having a celebration party in the UK means that UK family and friends don't feel under pressure to travel to the USA to support your marriage. A celebration party can be as fancy or low-key as you wish, because it doesn't come with expectations of how it should be done

We’ve had to re do our wedding entirely. The original plan was to get married August this year, we had hired a castle in Ireland for the weekend and had about 80 people coming, we’re both English but all his family is Irish and half of mine is. Then I fell pregnant with a due date too close to the wedding date. We’re now getting married locally, about 60 people coming in a small but lovely hotel. We got a brill deal and it’s costing about £4000 for everything.

I honestly would go and get married in the town hall and have about lunch to celebrate really, all I want is to be married to my OH.

I don't get the small wedding/ big party thing either. I knew a couple who went off somewhere sunny just the two of them to get married. Fine. Then they had a 'big party' back home where they showed their wedding video to the assembled guests on a big screen both showing off and rubbing it in!

I had pretty much your dream wedding by the sounds of it, within budget. It required a lot of hard work but it was very much doable. If that’s what you really want, go for the village hall with friends and family rather than compromising.

We had a lovely small wedding. 53 guests, all invited to both parts. Registry office that I drove DH and I to, then on to an ye olde type traditional village pub, Good Food Guide recommended and put money behind the bar so my guests didn't have to go to any uneccessary expense (I think paying for a hotel room is enough to ask!). The pub cost £5k, then probably another £2k max for all other costs such as rings, outfits, live music, hotel. My dress was £120. No professional make-up, no photographer. It was a great wedding and if I were to do it all again, I genuinely wouldn't change a thing. My children were 6+10 at the time, and I wanted it to be an incredible day for them to remember.

We married abroad, there were 6 guests. No regrets at all.

I'm from a large family and there was a bit of fallout but it was quickly forgotten once my siblings started getting married and providing everyone with big fancy weddings to attend.

Should also add that I've always dreaded my wedding day (hate being the centre of attention) so I wouldn't have enjoyed any large-scale version.

If you marry in the US can't you have a blessing here for his family and your UK friends? We attended a blessing and it was almost exactly like the wedding service.
I would love to see research done into the cost of a wedding and its longevity!

We just had two witnesses at a registry office I wore a blue cord trenchcoat, jeans and boots, from what I remember and went for lunch afterwards, and my only feeling about it is satisfaction that we didn't have to organise some giant extravaganza for both our huge families when it wasn't something either of us had the patience for.

No I don't regret having a small wedding (4 guests,buffet at home ,big country walk and all out for dinner that night to a really special resturant).I know several brides who were unhappy with their big weddings though...namely the stress,the organising,not getting to talk to the people you actually want to see and the money.Expectations run so high it seems harder to enjoy.Loved my wedding day.Everything about it.

I had a small wedding. It was crap, embarrasingly crap, and I cried every time I thought about it.

I had 14 of my very favourite people at my wedding. Loved every minute of it and no regrets.

Well apart from the choice of groom.

What about married in USA with meal then village hall party when you get home. Village hall party wouldn’t have to be expensive could do jacob’s join or hog roast etc.

I’ve had 3 weddings. 120 at the first and I hated it.
6 at the second, including us was lovely
And 25 at the third which was exceptionally lovely
My daughter got married in Florida with just 9 family...was wonderful
Go for it and very easy and cheap

My third wedding was on a beach in Tenerife. My 12 family were there and other friends
Was fabulous
Cost was minimal

I went to a £50k wedding.why, oh why oh why!
What a waste of money.

I am from UK, and Dh from another country.
We knew that only his dad and siblings would travel, and maybe a couple of friends.

So we had our wedding here in UK, with his dad, soblings and a few friends, and all my family, and our mutual friends.
Then we went on honeymoon, and then finished our honeymoon in his country where we had a reception for all his family etc.

I got to wear my wedding dress again, and we celebrated with both families.

So, I wonder, how about this wedding in the US with all your family, and then come bakc to a village hall party, you could go as big or as small as you wanted, you could do a summer type hog roast/afternoon tea, or evenign disco, etc, whatever suits you.

I had a friend who did similar to Megan (and in Lake District!) They had their parents there, and no-one else, it was really hard to hold the line though, especially to all the bride's sisters.
Then they had a party at their house 2 days later, very informal, lovely celebration for everyone.

I’ve done both. First wedding was just that a wedding and a embarrassing amount of money imo spent. I look back and cringe. It wasn’t me at all and in the photos I look sad. The marriage was much the same tbh so maybe that’s why I feel how I do about it.
My second wedding cost less than a grand. Ebay wedding dress, friend made the cake, beautiful registry office then in to pub lunch, back home to a garden party. Lots of laughs and love. I wouldn’t change it for the world. The photos are amazing (I hate photos of myself normally). It was a beautiful start for our marriage.

We had a very small wedding. Financially we never regretted it! We actually spent the same on our honeymoon as we did our wedding.

However, I do regret not making more of it. I go to friends weddings now and thing how lovely ours might have been. We didn’t have a disco in the evening or anything as there were only 30 people. I wish we had invited extended family now but at the time it would have boosted numbers to about 80 and we couldn’t afford that. Now the older members of my family are dying I wish I had had them there.

Our wedding was tainted with family sadness at the time though so perhaps that is why I feel this way.