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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think db has been scammed by his ex

361 replies

lurchersrool · 21/02/2019 21:31

Db is going through a divorce. There are two children involved who he sees regularly and the divorce was triggered by his infidelity - though he's single now and insists the marriage was in trouble for years before he cheated which was certainly how it looked from the outside tbf.

Anyway, the point is there was fault on both sides but I feel he has been royally shafted by the way the finances have been dealt with. He and I were both given £80k by df in order to buy property. That was about 12 years ago, just before the crash. Db and exsil had just got together but they bought the property together, despite df raising some concerns about it. I don't know all the ins and outs but they had a fair bit of work done on the property which involved re-mortgaging and a couple of years ago moved to a bigger house.

Apparently the situation now is that the amount of equity is so little that there is no point in selling and they have no other assets so db can't get his £80k, or even half of it back. Ex sil has said the most the bank can lend her is £20k, and even that she's saying will partly need to cover her legal costs, so he's going to end up with a pittance. I think it's a joke. She has a well-paid job while db has no real career as such. He has back problems from an injury he got years ago and has always struggled to hold down permanent jobs. He looked after one of the dc for a year as a baby so ex sil could go back to work, but now he's being left with nothing, well nothing aside from a share of her pension but he obviously won't get that for years so nothing really tangible.

It just seems so wrong. He refused to get a solicitor although I had offered to help pay, and I know df is beside himself worrying about db's future. He thought the £80k would at least see him in secure housing but now it seems to have gone and db is back to shitty bedsits. To make it worse she is now asking for maintenance which I think is just spiteful. Normally I always think men should pay for their kids but this woman has a well-paid job and db literally has nothing. AIBU to think she shouldn't be putting in this claim and db has been treated really badly here?

OP posts:
Amanduh · 21/02/2019 22:08

Just lol.
Spiteful because he won’t pay for his children?
Hahahahahahah

NCforthis2019 · 21/02/2019 22:09

But we dont know that she cheated. What we DO know is HE cheated, so you can add doubt into our heads now about what she might and not have done, but its not a fact...

If he is a great father, then what he must do now is look for a stable job and find some form of housing, for him and the children. You, as a caring sister, maybe can help with CV writing or helping advise him re getting a job.

AuntieStella · 21/02/2019 22:10

It seems like he has made a series of poor decisions.

The latest of which is his refusal to se a solicitor to work out what is indeed a fair deal. The DC need to be housed and paid for. Maybe the house should be sold, so each spouse can have a less expensive property so the DC can live with either/both. It's not fair that he, the primary caregiver, is now in a bedsit and presumably unable to have them live with him at all. He needs proper legal and financial advice.

You can't do anything about his previous poor decisions. But you can do everything you can to prevent him making yet another one - get him to see a solicitor

Oswin · 21/02/2019 22:11

Op how exactly has he been scammed. If there is no equity then there is nothing to be done. Sell the house for fuck all seems ridiculous. What else should she do?

Original poster
lurchersrool · 21/02/2019 22:11

DC are 7 & 5. When I say he looked after one for a year, I mean in that time it was all he did and he had no other work at all. It's obviously not the only time he's looked after them he's very hands on while ex sil is more of a career person. I'd say db is more of a natural dad, but yes I am biased on that one.

So people seem to be saying he will get a share of the house later on when the equity increases. That's not what he's said but I'll get him to check as that would be something.

Someone said sil has no solicitor - she bloody has and they've also done mediation. Sil got all three valuations - could db contest those? Don't know if it's too late though - think they're waiting to get it signed off by a judge, but db is pretty vague about how it all works. I can see him sliding right down after this.

OP posts:
Bouledeneige · 21/02/2019 22:12

I dont fully understand his situation but he is entitled to 50% of the house, and any other assets and there should be equalisation of pensions pots. The best thing they can do is sell the house and split the money and each buy what they can afford as a result. if his XW cannot afford to buy out his share.

Whomever has fuller time care for the children is entitled to child support. But if your DB splits child care 50/50 which presumably he can if he's not really working, then no spousal maintenance would be required.

However, your DB may be entitled to spousal support if his XW earns way more than him.

So unless he had a pre-nup to protect his wealth the money was sunk into the house and that will need to be shared.

He absolutely needs to see a lawyer. It helps improve the prospects for moving forward with your life if you dont feel bitter or that you got a raw deal. It doesnt really sound like he or you fully understand the principles of division of assets in divorce.

Oswin · 21/02/2019 22:13

Auntie Stella he's not the main carer is he though. He was for a year. But with two children and maternity leave the mother probably did more than a year.

MollysLips · 21/02/2019 22:14

He shouldn't knock the pension. If he's not going to be working much from now on, he'll need a decent pension. So he'll make the money back in the future.

Oswin · 21/02/2019 22:15

Bouledeneige they have no equity in the house. If they sell there will be barely anything to split.

OlennasWimple · 21/02/2019 22:15

she's keeping the house, which will presumably get more equity over time and yet he will only ever get this tiny amount and has to get money out of nowhere for the dc

If she is keeping the house, she needs to buy him out

Or do you mean that she will be living in the house but it remains legally owned by both of them? In which case, he will get his half of the proceeds from selling the house in due course

HeyCarrieAnneWhatsYourGame · 21/02/2019 22:16

This is a definite case of “it is what it is” 🤷🏼‍♀️ House prices are what they are, the marriage has broken down, the non-resident parent needs to pay maintenance. The house will increase in value again. Until then, while the children are young, they’re the priority.

edwinbear · 21/02/2019 22:17

He made a bad property investment and lost his £80k. That’s not being scammed, it’s just poor judgement.

Original poster
lurchersrool · 21/02/2019 22:18

Does giving him less than £20k count as buying him out? I mean he put in the £80k, their house be worth at least twice that but there's not the equity. So it's just tough titties as that's all it's worth now, but if he hung on a bit longer in the marriage and the equity grew he'd get more? It's madness?

OP posts:
JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 21/02/2019 22:20

It doesn't work like that. If he wanted to take the 80k back out then when he put it in he should have got legal advise and had it ring fenced, which he did not. This money has now gone, legally he carnt do anything about it.
Iv just been through a divorce and as the children live with me it was a 60/40% split in my favour.
Yes he should 100% pay child maintenance, how much she earns is irrelevant, he needs to find a way of supporting his children financially. Unfortunately lots of people live in shitty accommodation when they divorce, its just the way it is.
It is hard when a couple split but regardless of the fact he had an affair, your finances do pretty much get halfed, which is hard.

IAmNotAWitch · 21/02/2019 22:21

Shrug, she no longer has any obligation to care about him. His accommodation and finances are not her problem.

Her children are her obligation. If DH and I split I would do whatever I could to ensure they have everything they need.

DH would be on his own, as your brother is.

He should get a lawyer if he thinks it is unfair.

Chewbecca · 21/02/2019 22:21

If there is nothing to share, his share of nothing is nothing.

He needs to provide for his kids.

There is not much more to it than that.

adaline · 21/02/2019 22:22

He made stupid financial decisions and now he's paying the price. He shouldn't have bought a house with someone he barely knew!

reallyanotherone · 21/02/2019 22:23

Yep, happened to my db- only she cheated on him.

Knowing they were going to split, she persuaded him to remortgage and get a load of work done on the house.

Came to divorce, no equity, all she could raise in her own name was 10k, which is what db got. She kept the 250k house with the kids and new bloke.

Court wouldn’t make her sell as it would make kids homeless.

20 years later and dbro never got back on the housing ladder. Relationship with kids suffered because he could never do overnights.

It is what it is. If the money won’t stretch to two suitable accommodations it will be split unevenly to house any children.

FrogFairy · 21/02/2019 22:24

Years ago when a couple got divorced it was fairly common for the wife and children to remain in the marital home until the youngest child left full time education. It would then be sold and the proceeds split. Don’t hear of that nowadays.

A similar arrangement could work as surely the house would appreciate in value and build equity over the next 13 years. Better than selling now with no equity - 50% of nothing is nothing.

FuerzaAreaUruguay · 21/02/2019 22:26

World's Smallest Violin playing here.

Wakk · 21/02/2019 22:27

He's obviously a bit stupid to not have a solicitor involved but maybe he feels bad for cheating.

If I was his wife I'd take as much as I could too in that circumstance.

NotStayingIn · 21/02/2019 22:28

What is his reason for not seeing a solicitor? Odd no, for someone being shafted? I get that you are worried about your brother and upset for your father, but you are making rather large assumptions here.

They may have lost that £80k due to living above their means / making unwise decisions. She might have financially carried him for years. Given she is the mother of your nieces/nephews I would keep encouraging him to see a solicitor, but tone down the outrage a bit as you can't be sure what the real state of affairs is.

ColdFingered · 21/02/2019 22:30

I must be getting old. You know, the person I feel most sorry for is the father, who gave £80k of his hard-earned money, for it to be gobbled up by poor investment and remortgaging.

OlennasWimple · 21/02/2019 22:30

Of course £20k isn't "buying him out" - unless the house is worth £40k, therefore that's his half covered

Which is why he needs to get proper legal advice ASAP before he signs stuff that cannot be undone later, except at great expense to all parties

AcrossthePond55 · 21/02/2019 22:31

If he refuses to see a solicitor to see if he's getting a fair deal, then he deserves what he gets. It's that simple.

And what Justme said is true, if your DB didn't protect his initial investment in the house, then he doesn't get it back. 'Buy out' amounts are based on the value and the equity of the house at the time of the divorce, period. The division also has nothing to do with the grounds for divorce. The fact that he cheated doesn't enter into it.

He was a shit to cheat regardless of the state of the marriage at the time. The honourable thing would have been to have left when he realized he no longer loved his wife and no longer wanted to be in the marriage.