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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think db has been scammed by his ex

361 replies

lurchersrool · 21/02/2019 21:31

Db is going through a divorce. There are two children involved who he sees regularly and the divorce was triggered by his infidelity - though he's single now and insists the marriage was in trouble for years before he cheated which was certainly how it looked from the outside tbf.

Anyway, the point is there was fault on both sides but I feel he has been royally shafted by the way the finances have been dealt with. He and I were both given £80k by df in order to buy property. That was about 12 years ago, just before the crash. Db and exsil had just got together but they bought the property together, despite df raising some concerns about it. I don't know all the ins and outs but they had a fair bit of work done on the property which involved re-mortgaging and a couple of years ago moved to a bigger house.

Apparently the situation now is that the amount of equity is so little that there is no point in selling and they have no other assets so db can't get his £80k, or even half of it back. Ex sil has said the most the bank can lend her is £20k, and even that she's saying will partly need to cover her legal costs, so he's going to end up with a pittance. I think it's a joke. She has a well-paid job while db has no real career as such. He has back problems from an injury he got years ago and has always struggled to hold down permanent jobs. He looked after one of the dc for a year as a baby so ex sil could go back to work, but now he's being left with nothing, well nothing aside from a share of her pension but he obviously won't get that for years so nothing really tangible.

It just seems so wrong. He refused to get a solicitor although I had offered to help pay, and I know df is beside himself worrying about db's future. He thought the £80k would at least see him in secure housing but now it seems to have gone and db is back to shitty bedsits. To make it worse she is now asking for maintenance which I think is just spiteful. Normally I always think men should pay for their kids but this woman has a well-paid job and db literally has nothing. AIBU to think she shouldn't be putting in this claim and db has been treated really badly here?

OP posts:
IndieTara · 22/02/2019 20:08

Op Ihave severe arthritis in my back hips knees and hands. Oh and regular migraines.
Last year I had a hip replacement, the year before that an op
On my spine. The year before that my gall bladder removed. 4 yrs before that a first op on my spine.
I'm a single parent. I'm in a considerable amount of pain most of the time and have no partner to help or rely on. No family nearby to help either
YET I work full time and always have. If I don't we starve and have no home.
Luckily I have an understanding boss but I also repay that understanding by making up any hrs I lose. I do extra hrs from home evenings and weekends to make sure I get my job done .
Plus running a house, looking after my child and everything else life throws at me
Your brother should try walking a mile in my shoes.

Original poster
lurchersrool · 22/02/2019 20:12

I've said several times how much the dn s mean to me but the point is the little bit of money db could pay won't. make. any. difference. That's my point that people seem unable to understand. If I thought db was holding back some huge sum of money that would make their lives better or easier I would not support him at all. But he's not and realistically at his stage of life (older than someone guessed at 30s..) that's not likely to change, especially with his back. I don't see how the dns will benefit from seeing their dad in poverty. Yes he has made some shit choices I'm not going to deny that, but sil knew who he was when they married. She's a saint and he's an areshole - I'm assuming the people on here are all perfect and with no health issues.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/02/2019 20:17

the little bit of money db could pay won't. make. any. difference.

In. Financial. Terms. It. Might. Not.

In. Psychological. Terms. It. Makes. A. Huge. Difference!

mummmy2017 · 22/02/2019 20:18

But why do you think he should pay nothing.
For his children to know he wouldn't miss even a couple of pints of beer a week too give them sweet money?.

Ellisandra · 22/02/2019 20:19

It’s not about making a material difference to their lives, it’s about him actually being a FATHER and living up in some way - even if it’s pennies - to his responsibilities.

Can you really not see that?

TheInvestigator · 22/02/2019 20:20

You started this thread saying he was being scammed out of 80k. Have you any response to the 2 comments I posted?

The fact that she's paid the mortgages for years. He paid the initial sum, she paid the rest but due to the choices they made, there is no equity and they have both lost all that money. Do you think her contribution doesn't count and the money she has lost doesn't matter... He should get his 80k simply because it was a lump sum, and she shouldn't get hers back because it was paid over many years?

He will be getting half the current equity. She will then continue paying off the house, so in 20 years it is hers, not his.

Ellisandra · 22/02/2019 20:21

And it’s really not going to plunge him into poverty Hmm

You know if he was even a father enough to have his kids overnight, his XW might be less bothered about making him step up in anyways.

How are you defending him, instead of being ashamed of him?

FinallyHere · 22/02/2019 20:21

Could DB really enjoy spending money himself, instead of on his children? Really?

Ellisandra · 22/02/2019 20:22

And as you’ve come back - how much of her pension has he scammed then?

TheInvestigator · 22/02/2019 20:23

And he is in poverty through choice. His bad back doesn't prevent him doing any sort of work. He's simply chosen not to get an education in a field he is physically able to work in, he has chosen not to get an entry level job and work his way up.

Those are his choices. He could work. He is choosing not too.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 22/02/2019 20:35

I'm starting to think that the only thing wrong with his back is that he's too bliddy lazy to get it off the bed . . .

arethereanyleftatall · 22/02/2019 20:45

'The little bit of money dB could pay won't make any difference.'
Well then, wouldn't it be nice if your db worked a few more hours, so that he could make a big bit of money for his children to make a difference?

EstrellaDamn · 22/02/2019 20:47

OP I think what you've misunderstood is that it's not that people don't understand your point about your brother paying very little for children. It's that you're wrong about it and we all disagree with you.

Let's say your brother pays £5 a week for each child for the next 15 years. That's just under 4 grand. May not sound much, but it's something for your nieces. You know, your family, children you're related to who are coping with a recent divorce.

Teaandtoastie · 22/02/2019 20:48

I honestly don’t buy this ‘bad back’ rubbish. Does he get DLA? There must be something he can do, even if it is part time.

You are enabling him by believing all this rubbish. He should pay what little he can because at the end of the day he created these little people and he has a responsibility towards them. You should be telling him to step up!

colourrunruinedmyhair · 22/02/2019 20:49

This is so genuinely a wind up, no one could be this big a dick in RL Grin 10/10

Original poster
lurchersrool · 22/02/2019 20:49

I get why some people are upset about what I said about maintenance but equally some are talking as if he has nothing to do with his kids. I've said he sees them regularly and he does - several times a week. He can't have them overnight atm. despite people here 'knowing' they would love it, but if she wanted overnights I'm sure he would stay over, or they could stay with me (have done many times anyway) and she also has family nearby. I'm sure the kids haven't a clue who pays what.

I do understand maybe I was wrong to say he's been 'scammed' - I get that, it was the wrong choice of words, but I do think she'll come out better in the long run and that may partly be due to his lifestyle, but she doesn't need to rub it in.

I've no idea how much pension he will get, though I understand it's quite s decent one thanks to her job. He sometimes says he doesn't want it and will be dead by then anyway...

Gosh, the investigator, it's so easy to train up and switch jobs isn't it?

OP posts:
colourrunruinedmyhair · 22/02/2019 20:51

Oh and welcome to mumsnet

TheInvestigator · 22/02/2019 20:55

@lurchersrool

You said he's older than in his 30s so he's had what... 20 years to pick a career path. He hasn't. His choice.

It's not easy, but if he actually wanted to work then he would have been working.

Teaandtoastie · 22/02/2019 21:00

He can’t have them overnight- so your poor SIL has the DC every single night, full time, while also holding down a job. Can you not understand in any way how she is the one with the harder end of the deal and he is the one being a big man-child? Do you have DC? Have you ever been a single parent? Not only does she have to deal with and get over the fact that her DH cheated on her, she also get no break whatsoever from the DC. Daytime is NOT the same as getting a night off. She also has little opportunity to find a new relationship for herself when the time comes if this situation continues, while he has all the time in the world.

Try to walk a mile in her shoes. FFS this thread is making me angry.

IndieTara · 22/02/2019 21:01

^@lurchersrool
^
She's a saint and he's an areshole - I'm assuming the people on here are all perfect and with no health issues.

Of course not OP those of us who are imperfect with health issues still work because we have to.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 22/02/2019 21:07

Bloody hell he pays whatever he can afford in maintainence so he can look his kids in the eye in ten years time (when they are old enough to appreciate he ruined their family because he couldn't keep it in his pants) and say he did everything he could for them. They aren't going to be young and oblivious forever.

frazzledasarock · 22/02/2019 21:12

OP your brother has effectively sponged off this woman’s for the last twelve years.

His £80k is about £555 per month financial contribution over the last twelve years.

Would he really have anything to show for his original £80k he’d he not had his wife financing his lifestyle?

You said he’s a no hoper anyway, doesn’t work, and you honestly think if he had not had his wife to live off of, he’d still hve the inheritance your dad gave him?

I bet he’d have spent it all ages ago and Not had a house to show for it.

And actually I think he should financially contribute towards his children. Yes it’s fucking shameful he’s going to only contribute a fiver to his children (& that resentfully), I’m sure his children will feel as much obligation towards him in his old age as he does them in their childhood.

Are you scared OP that your brother will expect you to finance his lifestyle now his ex wife has decided to stop? So you feel riling him up about being ‘scammed’ will keep the pressure off you?

EstrellaDamn · 22/02/2019 21:12

Of course she'll come out better!

She's got qualifications
She works
She's a full time parent
She's the only parent who financially contributes

Kids aren't stupid OP. In a few short years they'll see your brother for who he is. The man who couldn't be arsed to get a solicitor or chuck them a tenner a week.

Graphista · 22/02/2019 21:12

The dns benefit by benefitting from the maintenance he pays, by knowing he cares to be a responsible father, that he respects THEIR MOTHER enough to do so.

"Yes he has made some shit choices I'm not going to deny that, but sil knew who he was when they married." That's a crappy victim blaming cop out!!

Also not perfect & plenty of health issues inc a spinal disability following a car accident, still worked full time until a few years ago when other health issues added to things and made it impossible to work. Know plenty of others with similar health issues and worse who get off their arses and work full time.

As pp said if it were genuinely that bad he'd likely qualify for disability benefits he'd certainly at least apply. I suspect he hasn't and that's because he knows it's not bad enough to prevent him working.

So he CAN have them overnights as you have made it clear your place is available so why isn't he? I can well believe and understand his ex not being happy about this if you are as I suspect OW

I too am thinking you're utterly clueless how tough it is being a single mum whereas probably quite a few of us DO know what it's like and are utterly sick of people like you enabling useless, feckless, irresponsible dicks like your brother new man

bullyingadvice2017 · 22/02/2019 21:14

Iv just taken my children on a lovely holiday. A year on from leaving the family home as their dad was a cheating git like your brother. They had a lot to deal with in that year. I bought a house in a nice place but that needs everything doing. Put every penny into it and am mortgage free, I am slowly getting it renovated alongside working and having my kids 6 days a week. Meanwhile poor ex has a mortgage to pay now, hard done to lad eh. I mean maybe i should have put up with his shit and stayed to see if I could make it work, so he wasn't left hard up.

I am positive his family would think the same of me. And what a bitch to have taken the kids on holiday. I saved damn hard to do that and it's a good job because dosent look like daddy dearest will be taking them anytime soon.