To think db has been scammed by his ex

[lurchersrool]

Db is going through a divorce. There are two children involved who he sees regularly and the divorce was triggered by his infidelity - though he's single now and insists the marriage was in trouble for years before he cheated which was certainly how it looked from the outside tbf.

Anyway, the point is there was fault on both sides but I feel he has been royally shafted by the way the finances have been dealt with. He and I were both given £80k by df in order to buy property. That was about 12 years ago, just before the crash. Db and exsil had just got together but they bought the property together, despite df raising some concerns about it. I don't know all the ins and outs but they had a fair bit of work done on the property which involved re-mortgaging and a couple of years ago moved to a bigger house.

Apparently the situation now is that the amount of equity is so little that there is no point in selling and they have no other assets so db can't get his £80k, or even half of it back. Ex sil has said the most the bank can lend her is £20k, and even that she's saying will partly need to cover her legal costs, so he's going to end up with a pittance. I think it's a joke. She has a well-paid job while db has no real career as such. He has back problems from an injury he got years ago and has always struggled to hold down permanent jobs. He looked after one of the dc for a year as a baby so ex sil could go back to work, but now he's being left with nothing, well nothing aside from a share of her pension but he obviously won't get that for years so nothing really tangible.

It just seems so wrong. He refused to get a solicitor although I had offered to help pay, and I know df is beside himself worrying about db's future. He thought the £80k would at least see him in secure housing but now it seems to have gone and db is back to shitty bedsits. To make it worse she is now asking for maintenance which I think is just spiteful. Normally I always think men should pay for their kids but this woman has a well-paid job and db literally has nothing. AIBU to think she shouldn't be putting in this claim and db has been treated really badly here?

I’ve read the whole thread and every post from the OP further shows that her DB is a totally deadbeat waste of space!

He needs to get a grip and get a fucking job and start supporting his children. He and you both need to let go of the delusion that he’s being scammed because he isn’t. He’s stuck living with his own shit choices, and is whining about it, and you’re enabling him.

The thing is OP, there will be two sides to every story. I’m sure my ex - and his family - would say that he was hard done by at the end of our marriage. Like your dB he brought money (an inheritance) to the relationship. But there were a series of bad financial decisions made; some jointly, and some made without my knowledge. We were hit hard by the housing market crash. I’m sure they don’t know about all the financial help my parents gave in tougher times. They just see that me and the dcs are doing ok, and he’s still struggling, and then they resent me for it.
So by all means love and support your brother, but do it by helping him look forward, not back, and be the best dad he can be, from where he is now.

So why doesn’t he live in the house with the kids, take over the mortgage, look after the kids, and she can pay maintenance and see the kids every other weekend or whenever it suits her? Or would that be unfair on your brother too?

Funny that, isn't it! I note that Bumbling Bro - despite apparently being the world's best dad and his kids' mum being a career loving bitch -aka supporting her family because Mr Bad Back can't- - somehow isn't suggesting that he take on her role and become the resident parent and do all the everyday shitwork and pay the mortgage on top. Nooooo I think that would be far too much like a hefty dose of reality

OP, in a nutshell, you're a fool to stand behind him and slag off your ex SIL, and I think one day you're going to regret it.

Regardless of cheating - if they had been more financially continent and not remortgaged up the eyebrows - then mebbe there would have been more equity to divide. But seeing as they lived in debt then how can there be anything remaining to divvy up?

So you are going to get him to look at selling the house when the kids are grown up so he gets money.How does that work,cos if he isn’t paying the mortgage he won’t.So now he is going to be paying half the mortgage just so he can get some money for himself in the future but won’t give his kids child maintenance.He won’t be able to afford half the mortgage.

This thread is EXACTLY what i imagine my ex husband and his family are like about me...

Many, many people bought property before the prices crashed in 2008.

But that doesn't apply here? These two moved into a bigger house two years ago...

Also, property prices are pretty much up to pre 2008 levels and have been since about 2014/5. So, whilst people who bought just before and sold just after the crash were - quite unfairly - penalised by it to the tune of about 15%, someone who bought just before 2008 and sold in 2016 should not have been. Unless they made some quite risky choices along the way. Such as remortgage and spend equity money on improvements that have not added value.

Take your swearing at me back.

Who wants to bet that the brother self-medicates for his 'back pain' with cabanas?

I always use cabanas when my back is bad. The cabana boy gives it a good hard rub, then two pina coladas and I’m right as rain.

In what way? All I see is yet another woman happy to support a man who doesn’t support his children

It’s hilarious because it’s so ridiculous for anyone to be agreeing with OP or her brother’s behaviour: I honestly don’t understand how putting 80k into a house and then being financially supported for 12 years by a woman who you cheat on warrants sympathy.

@Visitingdaisy that's exactly what i thought as well. This is exactly what my husbands family would say if we got divorced. Bat shit crazy logic.

Your opinion is skewed, because your brother put in a lump sum.

Try to rationalise it, like this:

Your brother put in £80,000

Let's say your Sil earns £30k a year....then she's put in £360,000 over the 12 years.

There may be £20k equity in the property, but even if she keeps this, your brother has invested way less then Sil.

Or, another way of putting it, would be that for the 12 years he lived with Sil, he was housed, clothed and fed for a contribution of £6,666 per annum (£80,000 divided by 12 years).

Looking at it this way, does that change your view that he has been scammed?

Should think himself lucky. He's still getting paid for doing nothing by the rest of us. Life isnt meant to be fair.

Ok so as your dear brother doesn't have much money (thanks to a lifetime of bad decisions), why don't you offer some payments towards the upbringing of your nephew/nieces so he can better himself a bit in the meantime? You sound so invested in their family life after all. These are the children of your dearest, dearest brother. I'm sure you want them to be happy and cared for.
Or, I know, why don't you and your DH give your brother a loan if he's struggling? Or act as guarantors on a nice privately rented place? Hmmmm. Something tells me you wouldn't as you know deep down he's irresponsible and can't be trusted.

Couldn’t be bothered to read more than your first post OP.
Can already tell that your Dbro is a waster. Maybe if he was more interested in the financial welfare of his family than sticking his cock into other women he wouldn’t be in the state he is.

The very fact alone that his bad back means that he’s now living in a bedsit and this comes before the mention of CSA to me means his ex wife is having to ASK him to support his children, he hasn’t ended up only able to afford a bedsit cos he’s providing for his kids, he’s in a bedsit and now asked to financially support his kids?

He needs some self respect. If his back was such an issue he should’ve got a job that allows him to not rely on his back to do it.... same back didn’t get in the way of him having sex though?

So sick of hearing about pooor hard done by men

He's never going to turn into a big earner, it's just not him and he does get back problems a lot that d affect him
Then he needs to accept the consequences that comes with not bring a big earner and that is you are left counting the pennies. It doesn't take away any of the responsibilities that come with bring an adult and a parent. Hell have to pay rent somewhere, gas and electricity, council tax and...yes child maintenance. Or are you suggesting that because he is a low earner, that he finds out how well off his landlord is and if rich, he should ask not to pay rent because after all, he is well off and shouldnt require his rent?

About the comment that if going to court, she would be entitled to keep the house until the kids are 18, this is not true at all. What a judge would consider is the impact selling the property would have on the kids. If she could afford to buy another property that would meet the kids needs, it could very well be ordered that the property is sold. However, in this instance, as OP stated, the equity both would receive would be nothing after paying for solicitor fees to enforce it, so it wouldn't be worth him to seek this option if she wants to remain there.

What he should do though is have it in writing that he is entitled to his share of the current equity and she should make it clear that if she is to pay the mortgage in full, any equity gained afterwards should be hers only until the property is sold.

He took a risk putting the 80k in the mortgage.

The risk hasnt worked in his favour. Hes a grown adult responsible for his decisions.

Some decisions you win others you loose.

Life isnt fair.

Dont like your thought process on this one but each to tbeir own

This sounds like what happened to my brother - if you believe every word he says.

This kind of thing is always happening to my brother. He must be the unluckiest person alive: everyone treats him so terribly and abuses his trust.

Of course, it might have something to do with his entitled laziness, his abusive behaviour and his conviction that the world owes him. Tends to make him see things through self-tinted specs.

I am absolutely amazed that your SIL stuck it out with with your DB for so long to be honest. What was he doing for the 6 years he wasn't looking after his kids?

I have this mental image of your SIL as a rugby player and your DB is the ball, you know when they kick it so hard and so far.......

What an inspiration your SIL is to her daughters, imagine how proud of her they'll be when they're older.

Is there £40k equity, she’s giving him half of it and then taking over the mortgage? If so that seems reasonable. If there’s more than £40k equity then he needs to seek legal advice.

If they kept the house and sold when the kids are 18 then really he’d need to pay half the mortgage until then which I’m guessing he can’t do. The other option is to rent out it the house to cover the mortgage then they each rent somewhere until the house increases in value, but that doesn’t seem fair to the kids.

He definitely needs to see a lawyer.

I inherited a share of my mums house - I used it to put down a 50% deposit on a small house. My DH pays the mortgage on the rest - it’s our house and that money is now both of ours for better or worse. That’s what happens when you buy a property together without any ring fencing.

I still can't understand why the OP and her brother ate ignoring the fact that the wife has being paying the mortgages every month for 12 years.... because her money doesn't matter and she should lose all that whilst he thinks he should get his 80k back? No. He put that in at the beginning. She has been paying ever since. They are even. He isn't owed anything above his share of equity.

SinkGirl

I think there's K20 equity - K10 for each of SIL and DB. SIL is taking out a loan so that he can have the lot and she can take over the house/ mortgage/ all expenses and associated coast - but I could be wrong.

Do you have kids OP? Your lack of empathy for bumbling bro's children is quite shocking.

I think SIL said some of the money was needed to pay her solicitors, DB has not got one, so no wonder the poor woman is glassed as controling, when he is useless, and refuses to do anything .
He was sure happy to remortgage on first house, borrow money from his mum... Which got paid back, and get mortgage for a new house, when he can't keep a job

Presumably it is because people are angry about brexit that so many people are being arsey and rude.

You know what the more I read the more the OP'S bias for this man shows with little consideration for his kids...

... I'm wondering if op isn't sister but OW?