To think db has been scammed by his ex

[lurchersrool]

Db is going through a divorce. There are two children involved who he sees regularly and the divorce was triggered by his infidelity - though he's single now and insists the marriage was in trouble for years before he cheated which was certainly how it looked from the outside tbf.

Anyway, the point is there was fault on both sides but I feel he has been royally shafted by the way the finances have been dealt with. He and I were both given £80k by df in order to buy property. That was about 12 years ago, just before the crash. Db and exsil had just got together but they bought the property together, despite df raising some concerns about it. I don't know all the ins and outs but they had a fair bit of work done on the property which involved re-mortgaging and a couple of years ago moved to a bigger house.

Apparently the situation now is that the amount of equity is so little that there is no point in selling and they have no other assets so db can't get his £80k, or even half of it back. Ex sil has said the most the bank can lend her is £20k, and even that she's saying will partly need to cover her legal costs, so he's going to end up with a pittance. I think it's a joke. She has a well-paid job while db has no real career as such. He has back problems from an injury he got years ago and has always struggled to hold down permanent jobs. He looked after one of the dc for a year as a baby so ex sil could go back to work, but now he's being left with nothing, well nothing aside from a share of her pension but he obviously won't get that for years so nothing really tangible.

It just seems so wrong. He refused to get a solicitor although I had offered to help pay, and I know df is beside himself worrying about db's future. He thought the £80k would at least see him in secure housing but now it seems to have gone and db is back to shitty bedsits. To make it worse she is now asking for maintenance which I think is just spiteful. Normally I always think men should pay for their kids but this woman has a well-paid job and db literally has nothing. AIBU to think she shouldn't be putting in this claim and db has been treated really badly here?

You clearly can't see what's happened here.

Your brother is a lazy twat who is shocking with money. He was gifted 80 grand but his credit rating is a mess?

He cheated on his wife and you call it a "stupid mistake". You know nothing about it. It is none of your business.

He has spent the money. They have remortgaged to cover things that his non existent wage would've covered.

Forget the 80 grand. It's gone. She is the one who will pay the mortgage now so she gets any equity from now on.

There is 20 grand. He stuck his dick in someone else and let his wife and young kids down. He blew their world apart. They deserve his share.

Tell the lazy bastard to stop moping and get a job.

I'm going to get him to look into getting her to sell when kids are grown up I think, but don't know if he will or of it's too late. What a fucking mess.

You're going to get him to do that? I really don't see how any of this has anything to do with you; you're overstepping so many boundaries.

Continue making excuses and holding a pity party for your DB. Meanwhile your Ex-SIL will hold down a job, raise their DC, arrange holidays and, you know, parent the DC 7 days a week whilst you're crying tears of rage that he's being 'scammed' and enabling his pathetic attempt at adulting.

She just has a massive earning potential compared to him so I just don't see what she's gaining from insisting on a tenner or whatever she'd get

She maintains the principle that he has responsibility for the children he fathered. That's important. I suspect that in practice she will put whatever he pays into a separate account for them to access at university or when they're grown up. If there's only a couple of hundred pounds in those accounts, the children will know exactly how much he cares about them.

DB needs to get a job so he can house himself and provide financially for his children.

If he wants to be bought out of his share, and that's only worth under 20k, then that's not his wife's responsibility. They have both made poor investments.

Sadly for his wife, she will carry the financial burden of paying the mortgage because DB is unable to provide for his children.

I really really want the OP to come back and tell us the value of the PSO that he has “scammed” from her pension. She won’t though.

The 80k in is a red herring. They made joint decisions, there is no equity therefore nothing to split. His DW isn't 'getting' the house, she is paying the mortgage!!!

If you genuinely want to help your brother, you should tell him to get a job, sort out somewhere to live so he can have regular contact with his children and stop blaming other people for his own poor choices. He has scant reason to play the victim and you shouldn't be colluding with him.

His bad back stops him from working but not shagging around?

HoppingGreen seems like that happens in a lot of cases, can’t work etc with a bad back etc but can easily shag around or have fun

Therapeutic shagging, perhaps?

OP can you tell me, if you got a divorce, would you accept your children's dad seeing them but never paying a penny for them?

The house is not an asset...
Your SIL says there is 20k equity only, and she will use it too pay divorce fees... By your DB not having a solicitor, I bet he is not paying a penny towards the divorce.
And the judge will look at after debts, that they both ran up, how much is left, you may find she gets the equity and all the debts while he gets some of her pension.
But don't be surprised if the judge says no..
And your brother gets nothing... As if he has no job they tend to say the wife gets it all, as she can expect no money off the ex

"but db is pretty vague about how it all works."
"No, he's being vague when he talks to you about how it all works so you feel sorry for him and see him as a victim. He's not a victim, he's a fuckwit."

^That with bells on. He's also covering up what's really gone on.

"Bedsit with a 5 & 7 year old? Double sofa bed, they share it, he has a roll mat on the floor."

They'd be made up with that. It would be one big game.

You've got to wake up that he's a useless twat. If it wasn't for his ex, the children would be fucked.

She has come across as controlling, because when push comes to shove, you'd do and achieve nothing. If she hadn't have been in charge, there wouldn't be a house to be bought out of.

It's time for him to shape up. He doesn't have to be a high earner, but he needs to go to work consistently, like every other Parent does.

His ex is managing to work, run a house, deal with the divorce, take the children on holiday and look after them every night.

You should be grateful, so should he. She's ten times the person that your Brother is.

I’m guessing his back isn’t that bad because he doesn’t get any disability benefits . Remember the Op told us that he has “ nothing” .

Apart from the £20k of course and 7 days a week childfree to work . Which he won’t do because “ that’s just not him”.

Massive earning potential - but can only get a max loan of 20 grand

Brother can't work - but can shag all over the place

Sil is getting the house - sil is paying the mortgage on a house with very little equity and has to spend her working life knowing her scumbag ex is taking a portion of her hard earned pension

DB is a natural parent - but can't be arsed to get a job to get even a one bed flat and provide for his kids. They don't stay over.

Come back op and see sense. Your DB is a self pitying liar. He lies to you and to everyone else

He needs legal advice. He doesn't have to follow it but just tonknow his rights as a starting position. Is mediation a possibility?

Got to say, one person’s “controlling” is another person’s “gets left sorting all the shit out because their husband is too fucking lazy”.

Example of her getting the three house valuations.

You could call that controlling.

Or you could call it proactive. Or - getting stiffed with the work, again.

I’d bloody love to hear her side of it, because I’m pretty sure my XH would love to bitch that I was controlling, too.

YABU. Very!!

1. He bought with his partner, they made no money on the investment. Where do you expect her to get the money from to reimburse him his £80k investment? Doesn't work like that. When I purchased a property with my then boyfriend (now DH) we wrote in a clause that stated, if we were to split and sell up, I would get my share of the deposit back, plus my equal share of any equity made. This is because I put in a bigger share of the deposit than him. He was happy with this and turns out we didn't split anyway. When we moved to a bigger property, I didn't include this clause again as we're now married and we put the whole amount we'd made in equity in as the deposit for new place. Fair is fair.
2. Your DB cheated, why would you expect his SIL to want to give him anything more than what she legally has to? I sure as hell wouldn't and I wouldn't feel in the slightest bit bad about it. Karma!!
3. Your DB didn't/doesn't work. You say he didn't live off of her, but you also said she went back to work.
4. Regardless of how well paid she is, why should she forgo part of her own earnings to support a lazy, cheating ex-spouse?
5. Please tell me you're joking with the child support comment. That is just beyond ridiculous. He had children, he has to support them. End of.
6. Your DB sounds like an idiot.
7. You're ultimately expecting your exSIL to have sympathy for the man that cheated on her, so sounds like you're an idiot too.

50% off £0 is still £0. If he/they got himself into a situation where they spent all the equity then that’s what’s left.

has to get money out of nowhere for the dc.

Or he could get money from work, which is what most people do? There must be something he could work as?

The thing is, when you get married, you join your financial assets for better or worse, it's a contract - sadly, in this case, they are worse. You can't get blood from a stone and if the house is valued at less than it was then there is no £80k. If the equity is £40k, he is entitled to half (subject to various agreements about supporting the kids).

If you get gifted £80k and don't want to share it with someone, don't get married.

The real issue here is supporting the DC, isn't it? They need a home to live in - he could make claim on the house and being the parent with care (resident parent) if he wanted to, yet despite her being 'a career person' and him being a 'natural dad' and taking a year off to care for them, he still says she is 'the main parent'.

To be honest, he sounds like a waste of space.

Your DF should be glad his £80k went to provide a home for his grandchildren.

If your brother were to get off his sorry backside and get a decent job so he could buy a property with a mortgage do you think DF would give him money for a deposit again or was this a one time offer?

@Ellisandra

Exactly!

My ex told everyone I was 'demanding' money from him when, in fact, he was merely paying me half of the value of the property that I had used my own money to buy when we got together, in line with the cohabitation agreement in place. Plus he had the property valued at less than the mortgageable value and he paid me less than half of that - but I decided to accept it just to move on. But I know what he told people. I kept quiet. None of our mutual friends ever spoke to me again, even the ones who lived in the same road.

Should have kept his pants zipped.

TBH, I find it refreshing to read about a woman who has her head screwed on, knows her rights, and isn't going to let her kids be made homeless to facilitate a twat of a man's comfort.

It's not her fault there is no profit to be made from the house. Her children still need somewhere to live, and their father is still responsible for them.

I'm not sure how much his back injury has to do with him struggling to hold down permanent jobs - what type of work does he do? His looking after the children for a year while she went back to F?T work was for everyone's benefit, not just hers.

If she was the one sharing about, and he had ended up in their joint property in this situation, would you be complaining about the financial balance then?

Thought not.

*shagging about, not sharing about

shpoot A £20k loan on top of the mortgage and any other financial commitments she's left with.

He needs legal advice. He doesn't have to follow it but just tonknow his rights as a starting position. Is mediation a possibility?

They have already been to mediation. This is the settlement that the OPs brother agreed to.