to ask if you'd let 16yr old DD go away for 3 nights

[pollywolfff]

Dd turns 16 next month and wants to go to Brighton with a friend for 3 nights to celebrate. She has a history of anorexia and suicide attempts that happened last year. Legally, she can move out so is a few nights away harmless? Would you trust your DD to do this?

No.

Just no.

Not at 16.

*TatianaLarina

Bear in mind 2 young people miles away from home at 16 could get up to anything especially when it's their first time away , whether its Aviemore, Brighton or Burnley!!

Well when there are bars and clubs and easily available drugs on Aviemore let me know.
Ffs. Why are you being belligerent with me?
Teens buying booze and having more they can handle hundreds of miles from home? Choking on sick, taking drugs with them That would never happen would it! Oh wait!!! Actually, yeah it could. They could get into scrapes anywhere. You just want to miss my point. The point being, as I have pointed out, the Op knows her daughter best, where she is with her recovery, what the mates are like etc. We don't know this information.
Anything else you want to try and shoot me down over?

mumshappy

I'm not a million miles from there myself and you will often find me in The Corkhouse or The Sanctuary rock bar!

Are the friends helpful and good for her?can you go get her early if needs be?

Your dd is sixteen, in my view it is a year or two too early. If she was older I would be more inclined to agree.
They are too young in my view to be away by themselves without adults. For your dd this might be great for her, but it also may not be.

I would organise something with her, funded by you, maybe a local festival or a gig and consider a trip away next year when you can be more sure of her health.

I too would be worried about under age drinking, drugs etc. What exactly are they planning to do?
I would be very uneasy about their age and what they are planning to do.

My DD spent a couple of nights in Brighton at 16/17, she’s not into drinking. Her and her mates went out for meals, went to crazy golf, cinema, shopping, pier. There’s loads to do that doesn’t involve getting shit faced on the beach. All depends on the teen really and their mates.

i went to ayia napa for 12 days when i was just turned 16, didnt do me any harm but i can see why you may be concerned

But they won't be away from "home". They're staying with the friend's parents at her home.

It could help a lot to have control over something other than food for a change. Saying No is not only dubious legally, as she could, as has been said, move out/have sex/get a job/have medical treatment/refuse it (and how would this be enforced? Locking her in her room? Guilt Trip? Telling her she's too young to make such decisions or to be responsible for herself?), it could actually be detrimental in reinforcing the idea the only thing she can control is her food intake.

It would be natural to worry - but it could be really good for her.

Mmmmbrekkie, me too. I was a schoolchild at 16. I had neither the responsibilities or privileges of being an adult. Going anywhere beyond the cinema, shopping for a couple of hours or to visit trusted friends would have been unthinkable. Even at 18 I had to get permission for things as I was still at college doing my A levels and it was my parents home/timetable/money.

So many people going on about AN and control. This theory is now hugely outdated and disproved by many!

16 isn’t an adult to me.

I would say no because of her history.

Disproved? Fair enough, it was all in my head at 15, after all - i suppose that my being aware that it was about control could all have been in my head, too.

By the way, I wasn't allowed out at all at 16.

So at 16 and a half, I got myself a boyfriend with a car and had moved in with him after about 6 weeks. Really, really crap decision, but considering my mother quite seriously told my then 52 year old brother that he wasn't allowed to go away for a long weekend for a colleague's wedding a few years ago, I don't think my need to actually have some control over my life was imaginary.

I'm wondering when the change of attitude s o what age a young person happened.
In this case it is a specific issue around the Dd health that is a cause of concen and that is understandable.
My mum and dad left school at 15 and got married at 17 without issue. At 16 I was going across country to festivals and as strict parents.The generation that followed, ( my nephews and nieces who are in their 30s now had a lot of fredom but I'm seeing so many posts saying no way, they are still children at 16.
This isn't a criticism, I'm just wondering when the shift in thinking happened. We've been talking about this in the pub tonight and some of the parents still talk about getting home to make their kids tea and the ' kids'are 22 and 23!!!!!

To me, the illness history makes her age irrelevant. I'd apply the same thinking to someone of 16, 19 or 30+ to be honest. It's not about how mature she is, it's about how healthy she is.

I've had anorexia since I was 15. I'm now 35. Many of my closest friends have or have had it too. One friend who is suffering particularly badly right now couldn't be trusted to get herself to the corner shop and back independently right now - she's 32. Twice the age of the girl in question. Age doesn't count in illness.

I'd need to know more about your daughter's health to answer properly.

If she's a recovered anorexic who still needs to be a bit careful/follow regular patterns then yes, I'd let her go.

If she's in recovery then I might work with her and/or her treatment team to find a safe way or a partial compromise to allow her to have a bit of fun and independence but not jeopardise her safety or recovery.

If she's actively engaging in behaviours then no, I wouldn't let her go. Both for her sake and for her friends. Anorectics are often a nightmare to be around. Deceitful, manipulative, selfish, irrational, reckless, reclusive, mean, obsessive - any or all of those things plus others. If your brain is starving then your reaction to something as simple as getting lost, falling out with a friend or losing your phone can be hugely disproportionate and frightening. Your daughter has already has problems with suicide attempts. Could she handle an everyday sort of holiday problem?

Dd yes no problem. In fact she moved out at 16 in order to attend college away from home.

Ds, no way on earth. He’s not mature enough and has poor judgment.

I would, at 16 I had a 2 week holiday in Mallorca and moved out to go to university so 3 days away really isn't a big deal. I can't say I drank any more than I was already doing at home anyway. Kids need to start taking these steps towards independence.

Ffs. Why are you being belligerent with me?

Is his some kind of joke? I’ve not been even remotely aggressive, while you’re swearing at me.

I an only infer you are indeed notacooldad but a rather defensive, insecure one.

@notacooldad

I don’t think there’s been a significant shift.

I’m 38
At 16 I was still very much a child and my parents knew where I was and no way would I have been permitted to have gone away on my own at 16. Same with my peers at the time.

I an only infer you are indeed notacooldad but a rather defensive, insecure one
I just find it strange that you keep referring to my opening statement on a post which I then went on to qualify. and weigh up options with the Op. You are like a little mad Jack Russell that won't let go if something that was a completely inoffensive remark looking at the boundaries we set when our kids were 16.

I think your psychological profiling expertise is a bit rusty by the way!!

I’m 38
At 16 I was still very much a child and my parents knew where I was and no way would I have been permitted to have gone away on my own at 16. Same with my peers at the time.
That's interesting. Once I was 17 I was expected to get on with things,as was my friends., especially when we got a job and had our own money.
However I've found my self running round and being a lot more involved with my children even though they are late teens. This is also the same of my friends and colleagues who have older children.
I dont necessarily think it's a bad thing and I'm more closer to my kids than I am to mine
We were discussing this issue last night with friends so its interesting to hear what people outside my social and work circle think.

You’re in parallel universe dad, I made an inoffensive comment pages ago, which you’re still wittering on about. Please get over it.

*can you all just stop having a go at one another please

Well when there are bars and clubs and easily available drugs on Aviemore let me know.

First time I ever smoked pot was on a week away with friends to Aviemore when I was 16yo. We bought it in a bar in town and that was over 20 years ago. We didn't struggle finding it.