to ask if you'd let 16yr old DD go away for 3 nights

[pollywolfff]

Dd turns 16 next month and wants to go to Brighton with a friend for 3 nights to celebrate. She has a history of anorexia and suicide attempts that happened last year. Legally, she can move out so is a few nights away harmless? Would you trust your DD to do this?

Someone shat in your cornflakes this morning hmm
Yep.

I am sorry about that.

As for the thread, it is difficult, when they hit the age where they are 'grown up' in one way, but still kids really. And it does make it a little harder with the history you say there is. One the one hand, saying no will make her think you see her as a child and don't trust her and could cause problems, on the other hand, she could get into real trouble. Only you know your child..so I don't really think anyone else can judge this as such? I know my original reply was about my personal experiences at 16..but many 16 year olds would totally crumble where others wouldn't. Thinking about it a bit more, I am not sure that how I managed to grow up incredibly quickly at 16..would have any bearing on decisions I made about my kids. Definitely a difficult position to be in, I don't envy you.

Maybe you could share that opinion on the appropriate thread. This one is about Brighton.

Oh the thread police have arrived

My two kids were totally different at 16 a well
Ds1 was a party animal and went to Turkey on holiday with his mates. I wasn't completely comfortable but he had left school, was working and wanted to go in the army ( I was dead against it but wasnt too vocal in fear of pushing him into it )
Ds1 was just into camping and maintaining at 16.
The difference between all this and the OP is that my children weren't recovering from an illness. I can see why this makes the decision hard.

Maybe you could share that opinion on the appropriate thread. This one is about Brighton
Oh the thread police have arrived
Ha ha! That would be me then!!
Yeah I was a bit grumpy. There was a good point that went into detail but not relevant on this one but would have been a useful opinion on the Pressco one!

Completely depends on the 16-year-old. When my DSD was 16 she went to Greece for 2 weeks with a group of friends, all paid for her self from her weekend job. Although she did come home with a broken arm.

I moved in with my older boyfriend when I was 16 (and really wasn't ready to). My oldest dd turns 16 in April and there is no way I would let her go away by herself. Although slightly different as she has Autism and doesn't even feel comfortable walking to the corner shop by herself. My youngest dd is only 12 but I can't see me letting her go away at 16 either.

I think given her anorexia and suicide attempt it would have to be a no. Unless you could somehow go with her and stay in an adjacent room? (Which is totally uncool I know), that way you can still keep an eye on her but let her have a bit of independence with her friends.

Tricky. I accidentally let my DD16 go to the Reading festival with just one - male - friend (long story) and nearly died of worry, but she was fine!

I have another DC who had similar problems to your DD, OP, and I would let her go Brighton as long as she stays closely in touch. The fact that she wants to go is a good sign (she wouldn't if she were in the grip of depression) and it will do her good. You'll go grey over the course of the trip, but hey ho!
If you're too worried and decide against allowing it, don't say it's because of her problems. That will kill any trust and openness she has with you and may make her feel resentful and rebellious.

Is there any chance you could go too but leave them alone most of the time?

I have a 16 yo, and I would let him do this. He is currently away with a friend, and a party will be involved. It's a leap of faith, but we have built up to this kind of thing gradually (he's also at boarding school, which makes it a bit easier to give DC this kind of independence).

I can't imagine ever letting 15 yo DD loose, though, as she'd be up to all sorts.

I think you just judge each situation and each child accordingly. I would be more wary if MH problems were involved - but speaking as a former anorexic, a nice holiday and a bit of independence may be a good thing. Only you can judge that, though.

@pollywolfff I would be wondering what they're going to do tbh, a day out in Brighton, fine. But they can't drink, smoke, drugs etc so why would they want to be away for 3 days?

Potentially (worst case) they may meeting someone/have older friends to party with.

@pollywolfff I was anorexic for 3 years.

'She promises to eat regularly and well' of course she does are you that naive? Also many ED patients I knew drank regularly, alcohol doesn't have to have loads of calories if you know what to drink (spirits with diet mixer).

They're staying with a friend who lives in Brighton, presumably at her parents' place - it's a sleepover.

I definitely would.
As one who has recovered from anorexia, being controlled is likely to make her turn to controlling the one thing she can control, food and weight. Having her voice and ability to make decisions is so vital.

It’s age appropriate. It’s building social networks which are critical to her recovery. It’s building confidence and independence.

I think it could be really detrimental if you try to stop her from going.

@daisypond Okay, I still wouldn't be sure about it though unless I'd met the parents and child. Maybe that's overprotective but it's what my mum did for me growing. (Make sure it's not a crack house)

Hmm difficult. I was bringing up my ds at 16, but only you know your daughter and know if she's likelyto be sensible.
Are her friends a sensible bunch?

No I wouldn't have let my 15 year old DD go to Brighton for 3 days with a couple of friends.

To be honest none of the parents of the sensible type friends that might have made it OK would have said yes either.

When I was 16 I went on a 2 week holiday to Greece with my friends!

In fact I just had to check @fucknuggets wasn't my mum

I am double that age now but I still remember feeling incredibly grown up at 16 and wanted to do things by myself. My mum was / is brilliant mother but also gave me the space I wanted and needed and in return I never rebelled.

I know it's hard and I had never had problems like the eating disorder or suicide attempts so I cant imagine what a worry that must be for you, however at some point you'll have to allow her to do these things and those worries will still be there probably for a very long time.

In my opinion she will respect you a lot more if you let her go and wish her a lovely time. Work with her.

Good luck

The issue here is the anorexia and mental health, not her age. I speak as the mother of a now 17 year old who is in recovery from very severe anorexia (she was at one point hospitalised and tube fed).

How far into her recovery is your daughter? DD1 had been weight restored for 6 months before she had a night away from me (her primary carer).

The key here is how established is her recovery. If she is still underweight and controlling her intake then she could get very sick indeed in 3 days. Anorexia makes liars of even the most honestly inclined people. Promising you she will eat is empty words if her recovery is not yet solid (that is in no way a criticism of her or of my own daughter - the deception attendant upon severe anorexia is part of the illness).

If she is weight restored and doing well then this might be just the boost to her self esteem she needs. Her safety (psychological and physical) is paramount. If you can safeguard that then letting her go would likely promote further improvements to her mental health.

My DD was just the same about liquid calories.

And in answer to your question - if you do agree for her go, then yes I’d support the trip financially (including train and perhaps taxi fares) as much as you can to ease her way and make it less onerous for her. I still do all I can to reduce the physical and mental load on my dsughter.

Good luck to you both.

Totally agree with above comments re AN.
One of my biggest questions in that regard would be eating in public and in restaurants. This is often a massive deal when you have AN and this trip could mean doing that 7 ish times consecutively.

Thank you for all the replies. Im going to weigh up the pros and cons of what could go wrong and benefits and make a decision. I'm swaying towards letting her go at the mo

At 16 I went to Glastonbury for about four days on my own - no phones either! That was in the 90s. And I was one of the older ones out of my friends - so some of the people I went with would have been 15 still.

I think she needs to take steps towards independence surely?

Bear in mind 2 young people miles away from home at 16 could get up to anything especially when it's their first time away , whether its Aviemore, Brighton or Burnley!!

Well when there are bars and clubs and easily available drugs on Aviemore let me know.

Nope

I went backpacking round Cornwall with friends when I was 16 (exotic!) - I would think it’s not the being 16 that’s the problem here, is it? I worried every time my diabetic daughter went on a school trip, but at some point you have to let them learn to look after themselves - perhaps schedule some phone/text contact so you know she’s ok

notacooldad you mention Burnley im from that neck of the woods lol

Depends on the child, as always. If they are sensible and she's in a good place ok. If not, not make sure she can contact you and has a plan if she's struggling
Some will be sensible and some will get pissed, you know which