to ask if you'd let 16yr old DD go away for 3 nights

[pollywolfff]

Dd turns 16 next month and wants to go to Brighton with a friend for 3 nights to celebrate. She has a history of anorexia and suicide attempts that happened last year. Legally, she can move out so is a few nights away harmless? Would you trust your DD to do this?

You cant do anything to stop her. She is free to make her own decisions. This talk of 'allowing', I dont understand it. Your input is whether you subsidise the trip or not.

A little freedom and a little less mollycoddling will be good for her, allow her to regain control of her own life decsions.

It depends on how mature your daughter is, and yes I would pay as presumably she doesn't have an income.

My daughter is 17 and only recently just started going away with friends for the night.

16 is not an adult to me so no!!

Meant to add, my DD went away with friends to Paris at 17 for a few days - a trip paid for and organised by her from her Saturday job. And at 18 travelled around SE Asia on her own for several months. She'd done various festival things in the UK as well at 15. (post GCSE thing - summer baby)

How far away is Brighton from you OP?
And where is she staying? e.g. in a hotel just the two of them, or with friend in their family home?

I think it sounds like a fab opportunity for her, and a lovely way for her to see your confidence in her. But I do understand that given her recent mental health and eating disorder recovery programme, you might not feel comfortable with the risk of potentially disrupting her treatment.

Have you thought about meeting her and friend there for a day trip? e.g. on the first or second day. Might be a bit costly, but you could say you'd really like to take them for lunch or get their nails done as a birthday treat (if you could afford).

That way, she'd have loads of time to be independent, but you also have the opportunity to check in with her and her friends without encroaching on their trip.

Yes. Living actual life is the second most important part of recovery from anorexia nervosa, after eating enough. This is a good thing.

I generally err on the side of permissiveness, and trusting teens to act sensibly. I think this situation would worry me - not because of her age, but the anorexia and suicide attempts make her infinitely more vulnerable.

How well controlled currently is her anorexia, and her mental health? Because if the others going are 16 also, I'm not sure its reasonable to expect them to be able to spot signs/take responsibility for your DD if she's in a bad place. Also 3 days seems quite a while - just one/two nights might be better if travel makes that possible?

I think this is a real judgement call - and I don't envy you having to make this decision.

16 and off to the Leeds Festival (Thurs-Sunday) is a right of passage here.

But she's year 11 and not finished GCSEs or just about to go into sixth form so it just feels that bit younger to me somehow.

Probably not, I would suggest she goes after her exams in the summer instead.

Normally at 16 I would say yes to this, absolutely, they need to start travelling independently and experiencing these things, plus a lot of 16 year olds go off to Reading festival etc after GCSEs, which is far more of a worry than a hotel in Brighton.

However, with your DDs history of anorexia etc I would be more concerned. you say this was last year, what is her mental health like now? And what are her friends like?

Only you know your dd, we don’t. So trust your gut. Is she normally sensible? Are the friends she is going with sensible? Would you be able to get to Brighton to rescue her should plans go awry? Would there be any adults close to hand (other girls grandparents etc) what are the girls plans for the visit?
She may seem too young to you, but in reality she can join the army and in two years she will be looking at universities.
Remind yourself of what you was like at 16, I was a twat and would have been planning three days away so I could shag my bf and get drunk, yet my parents often left me home alone overnight (I probably shouldn’t have said that, but my point is I had a great childhood including the teen years and no harm ever happened)

Hmmmm I don’t get this level of parental control these days. I would have just told my parents out of courtesy that I won’t be home for 3 days and then I would have phoned them (just as Mobile’s we’re becoming mainstream) to let them know I was ok. We went to Skegness for a caravan holiday at age.

No

What are they doing - are they going clubbing? If so prob not.

Yes. Living actual life is the second most important part of recovery from anorexia nervosa, after eating enough. This is a good thing.

I so agree with this,which is why I was wondering why op thought it relevant to include this info in her post. I worry that op quite understandably is more worried/protective than most parents would be because of her daughter's past problems,and I think not allowing her to do normal things would be detrimental to her recovery.

We went to Skegness for a caravan holiday at age.

As if you can get up to much mischief in Skegness. 😆

How far away would she be? I have a very sensitive 16 year old, who has recently suffered a bereavement and is struggling. He wanted to go on a short break to Inverness (two long car rides and a ferry) with some friends and I said no partly because if it all went tits up (likely, some of the other people going are heavy drinkers) then I wouldn't have been able to go and get him.

I don't think 16 is an adult, most hotels etc wouldn't even accept a group of 16yos on their own. Why can't they go for 2 days 1 night? More suitable.

Where is she at emotionally would be the key for me. Is she emotionally able to seek help should she need it right now?

See, on the would you let my dd have a bottle of prosecco at 15 to share with a friend thread, I said yes which was a minority view. But that would be at home where I could keep an eye out. I'd be much more worried about letting them go for three nights away at 16.

I think it would very much depend on the individual child and what their friends are like, but I'd be very uncomfortable about it all.

I think it sounds like a fab opportunity for her, and a lovely way for her to see your confidence in her.
This ^
I would closely consider NutElla5x comments also.

Does she WANT to go?? The most important question surely. Is she having treatment for her problems?

I would discuss with her and hopefully her friends, . But not make a fuss about it , it could drive her away.

I've got a nearly 16 year old, no I wouldn't be comfortable with him going away with any mates and no adults for a few nights.
So it's a no I wouldn't for me, still too young. Ask me again in a couple of years lol

Is your daughter open and honest with you? Does she know how to get out of tricky situations? Are they thinking they can get into clubs? Surely they'd be ID'd if they went anywhere.

What did they plan to do when they were there?

If she's otherwise trustworthy I'd say yes, and help her plan for it. If she's had a problem with anorexia she may well be happier knowing exactly what they'll do the whole weekend. Talk her through all the options. Brighton's a great place and I'm sure she'd have a lovely time.

If any of those friends are not very nice to her at times, that's when I'd perhaps consider saying no. Three nights with someone who's tricky can be a long time.

Definitely not!