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Original poster

to ask if you'd let 16yr old DD go away for 3 nights

126 replies

pollywolfff · 21/02/2019 10:45

Dd turns 16 next month and wants to go to Brighton with a friend for 3 nights to celebrate. She has a history of anorexia and suicide attempts that happened last year. Legally, she can move out so is a few nights away harmless? Would you trust your DD to do this?

OP posts:
Allfednonedead · 21/02/2019 12:05

At 14/15 I saved up to go home to Ireland from the UK for a few days on my own. After that I travelled regularly between the two. At 17, after inter railing for a month, I booked a one way ticket to East Berlin (just after reunification) because the travel agent couldn’t find my actual destination in the former DDR in the system.
I was not an easy teen, and not notably responsible, but I knew my parents trusted me and would always be there if I needed them. That meant I felt free to be brave and independent, secure in my safety net.
Your DD may not be ready to fly quite so far, but don’t make her feel she’s incapable.

BlueMerchant · 21/02/2019 12:07

No. I wouldn't. Only way she would go is if I was there too.We travel there together and I stay nearby. I wouldn't follow them around and interfere but I would be in Brighton too doing my own thing but keeping in touch with the odd text.

notacooldad · 21/02/2019 12:07

I let mine. I encouraged my youngest and his mate to go to Aviemore ( we are from Lancashire) to go mountain biking and hiking.
However you know your kid best and her issues.
Its hard for us to say because you will know how emotionally strong she is and what her peers are like.

Ribbonsonabox · 21/02/2019 12:07

I'd say yes... as long as you know the friend.. you know which trains shes going on and you can contact her regularly. A bit of responsibility may do her good.. it's good for self esteem. If you dont think she will be drinking then I'd say this may be a very positive thing for her to do... something to focus on, control and plan for herself other than food

GraceMarks · 21/02/2019 12:07

What stage is her recovery at? If (worst case scenario) she ate nothing for the whole three days she was away, how much of a problem and a set-back would it be? And are the other girls aware of her issues and likely to be sensible? Unfortunately, some anorexics seek out others who enable their behaviour so you need to make sure that these friends are not of that type.

I am erring towards saying that allowing her to go would show that you trusted her and might be a good thing for her, but if she is still a bit precarious with her weight and is still being secretive or lying to you about what she has and hasn't eaten, it may be too soon for her to be away for that long.

hammeringinmyhead · 21/02/2019 12:11

I would. I went to Spain with a friend at 17. But I would buy her an open train ticket in case she needed to come back.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 21/02/2019 12:12

As a rule I would say yes to this.. My own son (who will be just turned 17) is going on a week’s holiday with mates this summer.
However you know your daughter and her recovery best, and whether this trip is more likely to aid her recovery or cause a relapse (but also whether refusing permission might also cause problems, if she feels you don’t trust her).

MatildaTheCat · 21/02/2019 12:15

It would depend a lot on the friendship group. Are they sensible or forever falling out? Will the sleepover friend have parents there? If yes, I’d probably allow it but I would speak to the parents and ask them to get in touch if they had any concerns.

Last year isn’t very long ago and she doesn’t sound as if she has fully recovered from her AN.

It could always be compromised into a shorter, more managed trip and a longer one be a longer term goal.

kateandme · 21/02/2019 12:23

She's still having to promise you she will eat to me means your daughter might not be in a great place in her recovery. And a hit when you're in that place can be a devastating spiral .for those saying it's just a few days when you got anorexia those two days can mean a spiral you can't get away from. like an alcoholic with one drink, one missed meal is addiction back, or can be.

WatcherintheRye · 21/02/2019 12:23

At 16 the “law” was utterly irrelevant to my parents very involved and loving and sticky parenting.

Sticky should read strict

Genuinely thought it was meant in the sense of 'velcro'. A stage further on than 'helicopter'! Grin

kateandme · 21/02/2019 12:27

Allfednonedead it's not about being incapable it's about suffering from a life-threatening disease sometimes you have to just say no because you know the disease is stronger. resentment or not your saving their life from relapse.

Allfednonedead · 21/02/2019 13:20

Fair enough. But it’s worth pausing and thinking about how the message of ‘I can’t trust you’ is going to affect the child’s recovery too.
Only OP is any position to know where her DD is, I think the way we can help is reminding her what the bigger picture might look like.

room32 · 21/02/2019 13:29

I'd say yes to this, with the option of her being able to come home at any time if it gets too much. In terms of her mental health, I don't think you'll do her any favours by over protecting her, she has to gradually become more independent at this stage and this seems a good opportunity, since it's just her and one other.

Cyberworrier · 21/02/2019 13:32

I would let her although I would find it difficult. As PPs any, it will give her confidence and being 16 and discovering the world for yourself is such a special time- and hopefully will help her relax and enjoy life and show there is a world beyond school/home. I loved getting more independence at that age, I think it’s good for people with mh issues particularly.

Vixxxy · 21/02/2019 13:34

My mother kicked me out at 15, I moved in with my grandmother but she didn't have the space at all so I got my own place a few days after my 16th birthday. because of this, I do think I would let DD stay away from home a few nights when 16. I would worry though, as I am sure a lot of parents would.

newrubylane · 21/02/2019 13:41

Sometimes MN really surprises me. Earlier this week, a just-turned-15-year-old was roundly deemed far too young to share a bottle of prossecco with a friend and with her parents present. It's interesting to think that in a year's time people will think sending her off for three days away in a city with two friends is absolutely fine ...

Mumshappy · 21/02/2019 13:45

I went to magaluf with friends at 16 nearly 17 for two weeks. How my parents allowed this i have no idea. I was anorexic from 12 to 15 so had recovered by then. My parents paid for the holiday i saved up the spending money from part time job. I think 3 nights in this country is fine.

ppeatfruit · 21/02/2019 13:47

I agree with Allfed She has to be let go sometime. This seems as good a time as any; remember she got into the bad MH condition at home. (I'm assuming of course).

TatianaLarina · 21/02/2019 13:48

I let mine. I encouraged my youngest and his mate to go to Aviemore ( we are from Lancashire) to go mountain biking and hiking.

Which is a completely different kettle of fish to Brighton.

At OP’s DD’s age I would have been on the razzle in Brighton’s bars and clubs - alcohol, drugs, all very easily available, Fine for a responsible, grounded teen. Maybe not so much for one with a history of mental illness and recent suicide attempt.

Auntiepatricia · 21/02/2019 13:51

No, absolutely not. What would she do in Brighton for 3 nights? Eat ice cream on the pier and get an early night? I don’t think so. She’ll be getting herself into situations she is not really ready for, likely trying to get served in bars and she’s not even coming home to you at the end of the night so you can assess if she needs her stomach pumped.

There’s a massive difference between 15/16 and 18, and especially when your child has been unwell, that also has to factor in to deciding how vulnerable she is.

daisypond · 21/02/2019 13:53

Newruby - because a whole bottle of prosecco shared between two 15-year-olds is a hell of a lot of alcohol. There's no suggestion here that the OP thinks her 16-year-old is going to go wild drinking - in fact, the opposite - she won't be drinking at all because of the empty calories.

notacooldad · 21/02/2019 14:02

TatianaLarinaWhich is a completely different kettle of fish to Brighton*
Did you not read my next bit or just trying to find fault?
Bear in mind 2 young people miles away from home at 16 could get up to anything especially when it's their first time away , whether its Aviemore, Brighton or Burnley!!
As I said the OP knows her Ds's situation better than us with regards to health and the social circle and what sort of influence they would be.

Vixxxy · 21/02/2019 14:19

Sometimes MN really surprises me. Earlier this week, a just-turned-15-year-old was roundly deemed far too young to share a bottle of prossecco with a friend and with her parents present.

Hmm. Sounds like a lot of alcohol between 2 of them really. We do let DSS drink, he is 16. We have on occasion let DSD (14) drink a bottle of wkd or something, in the house. DSS would be drinking anyway, so we are trying to get him to be a bit more..responsible when doing so, after the no alcohol rule ended in him turning up home absolutely mortal a few times. I know many will disagree on what we are doing. But meh. Its what we think is best for him. I still think half a bottle of what..10/12% alcohol is a bit much for him. He sticks to low percentage ciders and such..and only a couple. Since we have let him drink on weekends if he choses to, he has not once came back blackout drunk (and also, I know some will say that if hes coming back like that, don't let him out, but thats not really practical)so for now, it seems to be working.

notacooldad · 21/02/2019 14:26

*Vixxxy(
Maybe you could share that opinion on the appropriate thread. This one is about Brighton.

Vixxxy · 21/02/2019 14:28

Umm ok. Was replying to another post in this thread. Not just randomly bringing up a unrelated opinion? Someone shat in your cornflakes this morning Hmm

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