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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I too demanding

187 replies

Cozynightin · 20/02/2019 20:30

Boyf of six months . We meet once/ twice a week . We live near eachother . I would like more but he wants to take things slow . He is going away for the weekend on Friday . We met last night, Tuesday. I will not see him until next Tuesday as he said he won’t be recovered until then . Is this good enough or am I too demanding ? We are in our early thirties . He is home alone tonight and tomorrow night relaxing and will do the same
Next Sunday and Monday . Should I be concerned that he isn’t really into me ?

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 21/02/2019 20:29

Ok just re-read the last bit 'he basically tells me he is not interested in spending his evenings with me when he could and I wanted to'

Has he said those words? Or are you taking him not offering those 'free' nights as rejection?

I am guilty of creative use of when I'm free. I'll say I'm free Thursday or Sat for example (this applies to everyone not just a boyfriend) without mentioning I'm also technically free Mon, Tue and Weds. That's not the same as saying I don't want to see whoever on those days. If that makes sense.

NeatFreakMama · 21/02/2019 20:33

Exactly what @RedFeltHeart said, spot on.

whatamidoingwithmylife · 21/02/2019 20:35

I'd be wary. It started like this for me with my ex and he gradually got too busy or too tired to see me, yet still had time for his mates and having a good time.

He may just like his own space or he may not be 100% into you - it's hard to know. However I do know that the more you like someone, the more of their company you crave no matter how tiring it might be to go and see them.

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 20:37

Not tolerate it - enjoy it because it would fit in with what they want.

Absolutely.

Parthenope · 21/02/2019 20:37

You had exactly the same advice the last time you posted about this, OP.

Original poster
Cozynightin · 21/02/2019 20:44

I have never got this advice because I have never sought it ! I have a boyfriend who clearly prefers his own time to spending it with me after a matter of months . At this stage does he not want to sacrifice even a tiny bit of his free time for me??

OP posts:
Parthenope · 21/02/2019 20:53

Well, another poster with an almost identical situation posted about this within the past week or two, then. Also a woman in her thirties who described herself as having few family and friends, and a lot of free time, in a newish relationship with a man who lived nearby, and who only wanted to see her twice a week at pre-arranged times that suited him, and was unbothered if she couldn't make those times, and would then just not see her till the the following week. Also felt he was 'taking the piss'.

Original poster
Cozynightin · 21/02/2019 21:09

The funny thing is, it was a post on the relationship board that really got me thinking about this , when i was already deep in thought about this . I feel he is messing me around and yes taking the piss out of the situation .

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cushioncuddle · 21/02/2019 21:20

What hurts is the fact he doesn't want to see you that he doesn't have a huge desire to be with you.

He could rest or have an easy evening with you. I'm sure you'd love to spend an evening watching tv and drinking tea on the sofa with him. To you that would be perfect.

What hurts he doesn't feel that.

Early relationships are usually full of just wanting to be with each other. Yearning for the other's company.

I totally get why this doesn't sit right with you and I in your shoes would be questioning it's future.

strivingtosucceed · 21/02/2019 21:34

At the risk of sounding mean, you sound a bit clingy OP. If I was going on a weekend away i'd feel stressed if my BF wanted to see me before/directly after as I would need that time to pace myself.

Before I moved back to London my ex got upset if we didn't see each other more than once a week, and didn't seem to understand that though I loved him, I didn't necessarily want to see him every other day when I had my own friends/hobbies as well.

LaBelleSauvage · 21/02/2019 21:57

He's not that into you, sorry. Find someone who is!

SparklySneakers · 21/02/2019 23:19

It all sounds very dull for you. You're not selling him or the relationship at all. Are there good points to him and the relationship. Seems very uninspiring and sounds like he's one to be out with his mates, prioritises them, sees you when it suits him and you don't feature much. There's no obvious love or affection coming across in your post. You sound bored. I love my space and am happy not to see a bf for a week to 10 days but in the first few months you'd expect some excitement, anticipation, plans, enjoying being together as often as possible. I've been more excited about bin day than you two sound about each other. I'd be ending it. Life's too short for a bf with no passion for spending time his gf.

Original poster
Cozynightin · 22/02/2019 13:41

Long message typed .. disappeared! No we really have great fun and discussions and get on great so happy when we are together. He hasn’t t said that he doesn’t want to see me , but he knows that I want to see him and am willing to make the effort and he chooses to sit in with a beer and watch tv or else, as happened last night and the night before ... spend his entire evening on social media messaging and browsing and commenting and liking everybody else’s posts and updates! I can see when he is on line .he hardly text me only to say goodnight ! That makes me feel rejected. He chooses that over spending time with me despite not seeing him. For a week . He says he needs a lot of alone time . Rather than seeing it for what it is, I see it that he doesn’t want to be with me so I must try to get over that issue I have

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 22/02/2019 13:51

I'm going away for the weekend in an hour. Some of my clothes are still on the washing line. Takes 20 minutes to pack. I've been with my boyfriend 6 months. Rarely have a night apart.

Parthenope · 22/02/2019 14:03

he chooses to sit in with a beer and watch tv or else, as happened last night and the night before ... spend his entire evening on social media messaging and browsing and commenting and liking everybody else’s posts and updates

That's why Sparkly says it sounds as exciting as putting the bins out.

You are bored and hanging around waiting for him to want to see you and monitoring his social media usage, and he isn't too busy to see you because he has RedFelt's array of interesting evening commitments, or young kids, or a demanding job that has anti-social hours and which might take a lot of recovery from -- he's watching TV or mindlessly liking people's FB posts.

That just sounds like a positive extravaganza of dullness to me. I mean, he doesn't seem bored, but you do.

Original poster
Cozynightin · 27/02/2019 10:34

Thanks for replies and to update you , he arrived back from weekend away on Sunday afternoon. He was hungover and exhausted . He did message me while he was away and regularly since but he has been too tired to see me despite me being willing to drive to see him and just hang out. He needed to sleep on his own as he had agitated sleep since he came back so he said he’d see me later on.i understand his exhaustion. We’ve all been there right, but the last time I saw him was Tuesday week ago. I thought he would have really loved to see me . Eight days later doesn’t t sound good does it

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SparklySneakers · 27/02/2019 10:47

Get rid. He's not the one for you. It won't get better. Is this what you want for a relationship? Bite the bullet and dump his boring ass.

Original poster
Cozynightin · 27/02/2019 12:10

Think you are right. The truth of his actions can’t be denied . Or just inaction. He has always liked things on his own terms but this is a step too far . Feel like I’m stalking him and feel pathetic and needy for asking for basic mutual respect

OP posts:
BasinHaircut · 01/03/2019 22:46

cozy I’ve been where you are. Just leave it now he isn’t the one Flowers

Original poster
cozynightin · 02/03/2019 12:36

He is so incredibly selfish but I m crazy about him. When we are together I am so happy and so is he but I have to ask why he doesn’t want to be with me more. Is there something wrong with me? I attract so many men with issues and problems and just when I thought I had met a strong reliable loving man, I find that he only wants to see me when he wants and do what he wants . I’m
Stuck between being so happy to be treated so well when we are together to being so sad that he doesn’t seem to crave my company like I do his .

OP posts:
SparklySneakers · 02/03/2019 13:00

🙄 I'm out

Fishwifecalling · 02/03/2019 13:08

You know that he sees you as a casual thing and it's up to you if you are happy with the crumbs that he throws you.
You sounded strong earlier but now it looks as if you are not going to finish it. So if you choose that option then you have to put up and shut up. It's that simple. There is no point asking for further advice. It is how it is. He isn't committed to you. Take what he offers you on his terms or leave it.

Fishwifecalling · 02/03/2019 13:10

They can only treat you like shit if you let them.

outpinked · 02/03/2019 13:17

I was in a relationship similar to this once when I was much younger and very naive. I chased the guy around, he never made any remote effort for me at all but I was so into him at the time, I didn’t care. I always made the effort to try and see him but sometimes would be fobbed off. It wasn’t great for my self esteem but suspect it was fantastic for his 🙄. I dumped him in the end because it was draining and I didn’t feel like he give a shit. FWIW we had a nice time and got along when we were together but, as in your situation, he often made excuses not to see me for no real reason and fobbed me off a lot.

I don’t think the relationship is going anywhere, this won’t improve. You want more from it than he is willing to give. If he were really into you he would want to see you however tired he was...

Original poster
cozynightin · 02/03/2019 15:45

I know that you are right. I am finding it very hard to say goodbye though. He is really happy with the way things are as he needs so much alone time but I need more than that. I had hoped his interest would increase and his efforts improve over time and because we are only seeing eachother properly for such a relatively short amount of time and there has been progress, I had rather hoped that I could just hang in there until he got more serious about me

OP posts: