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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I too demanding

187 replies

Cozynightin · 20/02/2019 20:30

Boyf of six months . We meet once/ twice a week . We live near eachother . I would like more but he wants to take things slow . He is going away for the weekend on Friday . We met last night, Tuesday. I will not see him until next Tuesday as he said he won’t be recovered until then . Is this good enough or am I too demanding ? We are in our early thirties . He is home alone tonight and tomorrow night relaxing and will do the same
Next Sunday and Monday . Should I be concerned that he isn’t really into me ?

OP posts:
RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 14:21

No she hasn't but there are a lot of people on here who are telling her that he's just not that into her and that he's keeping her on until someone else comes along or that he's just using her for sex.

I was simply providing an alternative viewpoint.

And that is that, whilst all of those things might be true, it's equally (more?) likely that he just values his own space and and has other commitments in his life that he can't/doesn't want to compromise on for another person.

And I don't think that's a bad thing.

But in my example that's been quoted, which of those things should someone give up so that they can spend 3 or 4 or 5 nights with someone? Most people work full time so that's week days out. So it only leaves evenings and weekends.

I couldn't spend 3 or more nights with someone without seriously compromising the rest of my life. I kind of resent the implication that that means I can't have genuine feelings for someone also.

I'm genuinely curious as to what should be 'sacrificed' for the sake of someone you've known for a few months.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 21/02/2019 14:30

I'm genuinely curious as to what should be 'sacrificed' for the sake of someone you've known for a few months

Sacrificed? Seems an odd term to use when you are enjoying a developing r'ship. People's single lives are often very different to their r'ship lives so of course things/habits change. It is inevitable. You want to get to know someone and do things together to find out how compatible you are surely. This will obviously involve spending more time together. She has been seeing him 6 months so it's not a massive ask really although I get people will have different views on that.
The OP feels a bit sidelined in wanting to see her BF at least one evening in a week and him not wanting to. I can see why she is a bit put out.m I would be to. Hardly sacrificing.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 21/02/2019 14:31

I couldn't spend 3 or more nights with someone without seriously compromising the rest of my life

Are you in a long term r'ship?

AryaStarkWolf · 21/02/2019 14:38

I'm genuinely curious as to what should be 'sacrificed' for the sake of someone you've known for a few months

Depends on how hectic your life was before I guess? I don't and never had a very hectic life

RestingBitchFaced · 21/02/2019 14:45

How long has he been single? Maybe he has got used to having his own space. Seeing someone once or twice a week six months in, would suit me to be honest, or I would feel suffocated. Maybe make yourself less available?

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 14:51

Are you in a long term r'ship?

No! They're too demanding! Grin

But I am in a LDR of a few months - which suits me fine because he isn't making demands of my time several nights a week. We see each other for the whole weekend every 3 weeks.

Depends on how hectic your life was before I guess? I don't and never had a very hectic life

Yes, clearly that is going to be a factor.

Sacrificed? Seems an odd term to use when you are enjoying a developing r'ship.

Maybe, but that's why once or twice a week suits some/a lot (?) of people.

7 nights in a week - one is band practice; one I spend with a family member that can't be changed; one I see a group of friends I wouldn't see otherwise; one I do yoga. That's 4 nights. It leaves 3 nights. One or two nights a week to see a boyfriend and one night to myself where I don't see or speak to anyone.

I would feel (and have felt) very resentful and pressured when two nights a week wasn't enough and my boyfriend at the time demanded more. But also didn't want me to give up any of my commitments because those were some of the things that attracted him to me.

Surely other people have things they do in the evenings too?

It doesn't mean they don't have genuine feelings for the person they are with.

Belenus · 21/02/2019 14:55

I'm genuinely curious as to what should be 'sacrificed' for the sake of someone you've known for a few months.

I realised a long time ago that compromise was fine, sacrifice is not. So if you feel like you're making sacrifices, it's not right for you.

I've recently started dating someone after a period of several years being single. We met through a shared hobby so if anything I now take part in that more rather than less. I read books and watch TV less than I did. I don't have a problem with this.

Oddly though, when he asked what things I enjoy doing, I realised how many of my day to day activities are things you do on your own - like reading and photography. Now I'm doing more things with him that we both enjoy. I don't see this as a sacrifice, rather the reverse. It's nice finding stuff to do together that we both like. If I start to feel like I'm giving up a part of myself, rather than developing another part, I'll think again.

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 15:37

I realised a long time ago that compromise was fine, sacrifice is not. So if you feel like you're making sacrifices, it's not right for you.

That is very true!

I still feel that twice a week is plenty though. Once is fine. Less than that is ok if there are genuine reasons for it. Occasionally three times if circumstances allow. More? I'd wonder why someone didn't have more going on in their own life tbh.

downcasteyes · 21/02/2019 16:29

Can we not just accept that people are different, and that what suits one couple does not suit another?

I am genuinely miserable if I don't see DH most days. I realise it's pathetic, and I do gird my loins and get on with it when he is unavoidably away. I think he feels the same way. We are just a close-contact couple who like to be around each other.

My friend sees her DP maybe a couple of times a week. They don't live together and have no plans to move in. They both really enjoy their independent lives, but they also like spending some time together. They would feel that seeing each other every day was a step too far, though. They love each other and suit each other down to the ground.

Neither of these is right or wrong - because there is no right and wrong in an abstract sense. There's just right for you and wrong for you.

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 17:11

I agree, downcast.

I just feel it's unfair, and potentially doing the op and her boyfriend a disservice, to frame it as him not caring/using her.

He might like her very much and just need lots of time alone to recharge his batteries.

Mitzimaybe · 21/02/2019 17:27

RedFeltHeart The BF isn't attending yoga class or band rehearsal or anything else - he is just relaxing at home, or so he says.

I'm someone who needs "alone time" but there's no point in being in a relationship if you don't make time for the other person. If both parties are happy with a once a week thing then that's fine but the OP clearly wants more. If he doesn't, then there's no point wasting more time on the relationship.

Marlena1 · 21/02/2019 17:44

I think it depends what you want from him. If you get married/have kids etc he won't get to have that much space. So if he needs it you might be wasting your time.

fotheringhay · 21/02/2019 17:54

This would make me sad. OP, yanbu to want what you want. I'm sure you'll find it with someone else.

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 18:12

If both parties are happy with a once a week thing then that's fine but the OP clearly wants more. If he doesn't, then there's no point wasting more time on the relationship.

Oh I don't disagree, I said earlier on that they may just be unable to meet each other's relationship needs.

But there are so many factors. What does he do for a living? What's his commute like? How many hours does he work?

We only have the OP's version of any of it.

velourvoyageur · 21/02/2019 18:20

OP you post the same thread at least once a month, you're not happy. Who cares about his reason for not wanting to spend more time with you, whether he needs his space or indeed is the less invested partner - the only important thing is that it's not working for you. What is this doing to your self esteem? How stressful is it to have this constantly on your mind? Mate come on just end it and look for someone who wants what you want, there's no shame in that.

Original poster
Cozynightin · 21/02/2019 19:40

For what it’s worth I do not post about this once a month. I am asking about this specific situation as I feel that a man who I am seeing, only properly for two months really, is taking the piss. He could have spend yesterday evening, this evening and even one or two evenings after the weekend with me. He has chosen not to. His excuses ranged from tiredness to chill out time, to having to almost prepare himself for the drinking weekend. He knows o would have been prepared to meet all of these nights and just sit with him and be together but chose to be in his own, probably messaging all his friends like he normally does . He has a female friend that he spends more time in contact with than with me ffs !! I am free as a bird and am used to long term relationships where I’ve lived with several men . I am not used to this . He calls the shots . I fit in . If I do t he will make alternative plans and won’t be too bothered. I told him I wanted to meet before we met and he brushed me off . This thread has been so interesting as there are clearly half of posters who could tolerate this . Just when I thought we were getting a bit more serious, he basically tells me he is not interested in spending his evenings with me when he could and I wanted to . I’m black and white, generally so the facts remain.. I am an option and not a priority yet when we meet he will be full of love and compliments and will say he missed me . His phone will probably off for most of weekend also .

OP posts:
Original poster
Cozynightin · 21/02/2019 19:41

Thank you to everybody who took the time and interest to give their opinion. It’s really given me food for thought .

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 21/02/2019 19:47

I dunno, I'm in exactly the same boat and very happy with it. I'm busy at work, tired during the week, single mum, studying OU, so weekends and the odd week night suits me perfectly. I also like my own company. I'm never alone from waking up until 9pm ish most nights then that's ME time. I know he likes me and I like him (so far Grin) so it's all good.

Original poster
Cozynightin · 21/02/2019 19:48

I have very little going on other than work and a yoga class. Few friends and family

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 21/02/2019 20:15

Ah, that's different then. I know this gets trotted out a lot on here but can you increase your hobbies/social life a bit, so you're boyfriend isn't your main/only source of company?

I've been single for years, and it's so hard sometimes, the FOMO etc. So I filled my time up with other things. Now there is someone in my life I've realised how much I value it all and I'm in no hurry to change, spending time with him is a bonus.

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 20:19

I do prefer to only see someone once or twice a week. At a push I can do a third night very occasionally. And it has caused issues in previous relationships. I need a lot of time to myself. And I like to keep in touch with other friends either in person or via whatsapp or whatever. I'm sitting in the house alone tonight. In silence. I need that time.

That's not to say I would 'tolerate' what your boyfriend is doing if you feel that you are not a priority. If I am seeing someone, they are still a priority.

Like I've said previously, I'm currently in a LDR of a few months and it really does suit me to only see him for a weekend every 3 or 4 weeks. But you and the last man I had a relationship with would have an awful lot to talk about! He constantly felt that I didn't make enough time for him.

There were weeks when I saw him more than I really wanted to. Not because I didn't care about him or didn't want to be with him but because it ate into the time I need for myself. Yet it still wasn't enough for him. So still neither of us were happy.

You clearly have a very different relationship model and very different expectations to me - for example, I've not lived with several men! I like my own space and time to myself. Neither of us is right or wrong, just different.

Although I did read what you wrote about making yourself available to him for several nights before and after he went away. I agree with a previous poster about making yourself less available. Again, the man I spoke about before would make himself available to me pretty much permanently. He wouldn't make plans with anyone else in case I asked him if he wanted to do something. He dropped his hobbies, he dropped his friends... it was utterly suffocating.

If this man really does need time to himself, then give it to him. Don't make yourself permanently available to him.

However, if, as I suspect is the case, you are just not compatible, then I'd end it and move on.

I had a friend who tied herself up in knots for 3 years trying to make a relationship work. It made her ill. But she loved him and he was a lovely bloke... she did love him and he was a lovely bloke. They were just incompatible.

I'm tired now, I've had a hectic day. I hope this makes sense?

Bottom line is that if the relationship isn't making you happy, then end it. You can't change him to want what you want any more than he can change you to want what he wants.

And maybe he is just a dick.

But it's not working for you.

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 20:21

And yes, do more things with your time! If you don't have children, then every night is yours to do with as you wish!

Fill it up with fun and exciting things - don't wait for a man to choose you.

Belenus · 21/02/2019 20:22

This thread has been so interesting as there are clearly half of posters who could tolerate this

Not tolerate it - enjoy it because it would fit in with what they want.

OP do you basically go from one serious relationship to another without much time being single? I would work on getting out there more and making more friends. Find a few other interests and don't rely on one person quite as much. I'm not saying you're wrong to want more - just that it helps you be less dependent and gives you more choices.

pictish · 21/02/2019 20:23

“Fill it up with fun and exciting things - don't wait for a man to choose you.”

This on a spade.

ohfourfoxache · 21/02/2019 20:25

If you’re having to work hard on a relationship at this stage then it might not actually be worth it....