Page 4 | Am I too demanding

Cozynightin · 2019-02-20T20:30:24+00:00

Boyf of six months . We meet once/ twice a week . We live near eachother . I would like more but he wants to take things slow . He is going away for the weekend on Friday . We met last night, Tuesday. I will not see him until next Tuesday as he said he won’t be recovered until then . Is this good enough or am I too demanding ? We are in our early thirties . He is home alone tonight and tomorrow night relaxing and will do the same Next Sunday and Monday . Should I be concerned that he isn’t really into me ?

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 21/02/2019 11:39

Are you always available to him when he wants to see you? Who suggests meeting up?

Juells · 21/02/2019 11:40

I think you'll either become accepting of hanging around waiting for the times when it suits him to see you, or you'll start feeling very needy. Neither is good, and neither is fair to you.

You want different things from the relationship, so it doesn't suit you. It's perectly OK to feel that you want more from a relationship than you're being given, we're allowed to want our needs met as well as the man's.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/02/2019 11:43

Going away on a boys weekend from friday to Sunday . I don’t feel I can say anything as he is made himself clear about his need for space and rest

Maybe that's just the kind of guy he is. It sounds like that doesn't suit you though and that's perfectly understandable, you're not needy to want him to want to spend more time with you, I think most would especially in the early stages like you're in. I think you need to think about your own needs for a bit and not his and your needs aren't being met. So maybe you two just aren't compatible in that way?

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 11:49

This is interesting and curious to me.

For those saying he should want to see her more often, why?

What about friends and hobbies? What about personal downtime and just doing stuff for yourself?

Surely people don't meet someone and then give up all their previously important pursuits to spend all their time with someone else?

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 21/02/2019 11:50

Surely people don't meet someone and then give up all their previously important pursuits to spend all their time with someone else?

Absolutely nobody has stated this

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 21/02/2019 11:51

.....or implied it

RedFEltHeart · 21/02/2019 11:51

I always wonder why people who want to spend all their time together when they first meet must be giving up on an awful lot of themselves!

How do you still maintain yourself and your own life if you suddenly spend most of your time with someone else?

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 11:53

Absolutely nobody has stated this

No, but the extra time has to come from somewhere?

My weeknights are already allocated generally. There are a couple of things I could shift around but that would still only allow me 1 or 2 nights to spend with someone else.

WH1SPERS · 21/02/2019 11:58

You are just not compatible, this isn’t going to work for you, I’d end it.

BTW, when you say you only see him for a few hours - do you go out for a drink / meal ? Or does he just pop round to your place ?

Juells · 21/02/2019 12:01

For those saying he should want to see her more often, why?

Because most people, early in a relationship, can't keep their hands off each other 😂

Arowana · 21/02/2019 12:05

I'm in a relationship that started slowly. DH and I didn't see each other very frequently to begin with, and we had been together five years when we moved in together. We've been happily married for 15 years now.

So I don't agree that things have to move quickly to prove you're both keen.

However, I guess the difference was that we were in our 20s. I think if I'd been 10 years older I might have been more impatient.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/02/2019 12:06

Because most people, early in a relationship, can't keep their hands off each other

Pretty much my logic, such a great time in a relationship too!

Arowana · 21/02/2019 12:09

But it doesn't have to be that way. All relationship are different!

pictish · 21/02/2019 12:09

Same here Redfelt.

I’m not single but if I was, I wouldn’t be wasting my free time waiting for a bloke to fill it. I have been single and I was fine pursuing my own interests and being busy. I’m never bored and I always have something I can do...even if it’s just reading a book. Redfelt is right...where does all this extra time and space come from if you’re not sacrificing something else?

I’m not saying OP is in the wrong here btw...I can also see her POV and I don’t think she’s being demanding, she just has different expectations from a relationship imo.

But all this stuff about making time and prioritising...maybe twice a week IS making time and prioritising to him? It was to me when I was single.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 21/02/2019 12:09

I always wonder why people who want to spend all their time together when they first meet must be giving up on an awful lot of themselves! How do you still maintain yourself and your own life if you suddenly spend most of your time with someone else?

Because as a r'ship develops then more of a balance develops. I would have thought that was fairly obvious.

AryaStarkWolf · 21/02/2019 12:11

But it doesn't have to be that way. All relationship are different!

of course but clearly the OP and the B/f are on different pages here, neither is wrong but one is unhappy with the set up

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 21/02/2019 12:11

I have been single and I was fine pursuing my own interests and being busy. I’m never bored and I always have something I can do...even if it’s just reading a book

Well good for you.

chuttypicks · 21/02/2019 12:15

He's just not that into you by the sounds of it op.

pictish · 21/02/2019 12:16

It was. Sorry to offend you by being self-sufficient.

Mitzimaybe · 21/02/2019 12:31

It sounds like you want completely different things from a relationship and that he's not likely to change. Six months in you should both be all loved up and it just doesn't sound like that.

My advice would be to be unavailable next Tuesday and put the ball in his court to arrange the next time you see each other. If it’s not Wednesday or Thursday then you probably have your answer.

This is not a bad idea. If you always jump when he says "I can manage next Tuesday" start saying "I have other plans for Tuesday" and see what happens. Don't be a doormat.

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 13:03

Because as a r'ship develops then more of a balance develops. I would have thought that was fairly obvious

Except that by then, your position in band has been filled because were busy with a man instead of making rehearsals/gigs; and you haven't seen your friends for ages and they're pissed off because you put seeing a man before your regular Wednesday night out with them; and you've got out of the habit of going to yoga and it's frustrating having to get yourself back up to speed...

Wanting to spend all your time with one person? Prioritisting them over everything else that makes you you? I just don't really get this way of thinking at all!

RedFeltHeart · 21/02/2019 13:04

Sorry to offend you by being self-sufficient.

Badcat666 · 21/02/2019 13:17

Why do people think being in a "relationship" means spending every minute with someone?

Mr BC and I were like this for years only seeing each other at weekends or once a week as we were busy people and we need our own space but it didn't mean we loved each other any less. I would hate having to spend every moment with someone.

Even now, years down the road he goes off most weekends to do his hobbies and I do mine and we can each chill out happily by ourselves.

It works because we are very similar. It wouldn't work if Mr BC wanted to spend all his time with me because I would have snapped and had to dig a "new pond" to hide the dead body in it.

OP - If you are someone who wants to spend most of your time with someone from the get go then it isn't going to work out. Find someone who will spend all their time with you.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 21/02/2019 13:41

It was. Sorry to offend you by being self-sufficient

Er..... offended? Nope.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 21/02/2019 13:46

Except that by then, your position in band has been filled because were busy with a man instead of making rehearsals/gigs; and you haven't seen your friends for ages and they're pissed off because you put seeing a man before your regular Wednesday night out with them; and you've got out of the habit of going to yoga and it's frustrating having to get yourself back up to speed...Wanting to spend all your time with one person? Prioritisting them over everything else that makes you you? I just don't really get this way of thinking at all!

Oh FFS the OP has not stated anywhere that she wants to spend every fucking spare minute she has with her BF neither has she stated she is expecting him to want to either.