Boyfriend hasn't planned anything for my birthday

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It's my birthday next week.

For the last couple of months my boyfriend talked about doing something 'special' for my birthday and doing it this weekend.

Previously he talked about going to an expensive restaurant and mentioned it a few times. I asked him about it a week or so ago (where we are going) and he said there were no tables available and asked where else I wanted to go. That restaurant was his idea and I felt like he had really talked it up.

Today is Wednesday, so I asked him (generally) if there was anything he wanted to do this weekend.

Because he works away (and because he doesn't like talking on the phone) our conversation was had via text while he was doing nothing in his room (he wasn't working, he was unwinding).

He got weird and said "I'll talk to you tomorrow" and "I'll let you be"

To which I responded "you're just busy"

He then texted "Yes" "Cause I'm at work" "Sorry that I don't have time to look at what to do this weekend"

I replied "I'll leave you alone then" (I don't like confrontation or to argue while he is away - or even in person).

He wrote "fine" and "I don't know why I am always the one organising things".

This has really hurt my feelings, but what actually upset me was when he later said he assumed we wouldn't do anything this weekend because it was too close to my mother's death and he thought her death was the day before my birthday. I only told him about the anniversary of her death a few hours ago (mere hours before this conversation).

Why would he choose today to tell me that he was resentful of him having always having to organise things? He actually doesn't organise everything - it doesn't matter to argue, because that won't stop him being resentful.

He hasn't asked me what I want for my birthday and the only reason I am even bringing this up is because he made such a big deal about doing something 'special' and saying he would make a big deal of it.

I don't have any expectations for gifts or anything expensive, I would have been happy to go some place cheap by the beach. I'm upset because of the day it is today and because of his reaction when I asked him about it.

He won't be home next weekend so really this was the only weekend to do something near my birthday.

He's now sent me about 10 messages and called and I don't want to look at my phone, so I am writing here.

Can anyone tell me their relationship/birthday disappointment stories so I don't feel so unreasonable being upset?

Your head's all over the place!

If he's a high earner why is the price of the restaurant or perfume a big deal? How much are we talking?

It doesn't sound like it is really going anywhere.

Flight home? Do you live in different countries?

I’m concerned about your “low bar” for this relationship, and passivity.

The sensible thing to do would be to dump him, and work on your self esteem before dating again. Only four months of your time spent.

So many red flags with this man, which others have outlined. Lied about being married, nasty comment about his ex-W and his earnings, high earner but tight with money, setting you up to “fail”, gaslighting, unwilling to talk on the phone, early and OTT declarations of love (not aligned with his actions), passive aggressive texts (you seem to do that one too).

Plus some standard “not that into you” / selfish stuff like giving you the impression he doesn’t want you around, prioritising work, wanting credit for talking about things but not actually doing them.

This is not going to turn into a good romantic relationship.

How is your own working and social life? Suggest focusing on those rather than him.

When I was much younger, was similarly passive and low, was in a sub-standard relationship like this with a selfish man my friends helped me see that the way I was being treated was shit.

I guess I need to prepare myself for disappointment.

Or you could just break up with him?

Of course your birthday didn’t merit his behaviour! Any “stress” over it was caused by him.

He has clearly shown you who he is and what kind of relationship he is offering - this is the early days! - you’re just ignoring it.

He works away and doesn't like talking on the phone, so texts. Could he have someone else op, or a few someone elses? Even if he doesn't, he sounds like a dick splash. If you've only been seeing him for 4 months you're not in too deep. Get rid and count it as a lucky escape.

I would be very surprised if he does anything for your birthday. He seems to have a way out now.

I’m not one to normally jump on the OW bandwagon but are you sure there isn’t one?

I suspect the OP is the OW and "working away" is really going home to the wife and kids.

OP you absolutely must have expectations! Otherwise you'll put up with anyone. He SHOULD do something for your birthday, as you'd enjoy it.

He's AWFUL. Are you sure he's not still married? How do you know he's actually a high earner?

Don't wait for answers. Dump him. He'll then come up with something lovely for your birthday, and be full of a sob story to excuse his behaviour. Camly decline all further contact.

What would the future be like with him? He'd be the worst father. He'd be really selfish and nasty during your pregnancy and go out with his mates while you are stuck at home struggling.

Split up now and don't feel you owe him explanations! Cut all contact or he'll try to win you back. Honestly, I speak from experience!

Come up with a criteria for a good partner. Have high expectations. Accept nothing less. I speak from years of being like you and accepting terrible treatment.

I guess I need to prepare myself for disappointment.

I guess I can only prepare myself to be single soon

Have you ever considered choosing to drive your own life forward? You seem to sit on the side lines 'guessing' and 'waiting' and 'being disappointed ' as though that's all there is to do

This is YOUR life.

Stop messing around and start living it - be passionate, vibrant, excited.

Atm it seems as though you are living a shadow half life

Don't you think you're worth way more than this?

OP, I am saying this in the kindest possible way: your birthday is irrelevant here

The guy is a tool. Even if he whisked you off out of the blue to gondola rides and gelati and boutique gorgeousness in Venice for your birthday, all the other dreadful behaviour is still dreadful. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's not often Mumsnetters are as united in their view as they are here. Please ask yourself seriously what your heart reaction is to reading all the comments people have taken the time and trouble to write.

If your heart reaction is 'But he is so damaged, he just needs my love to heal him and then things will improve', then there are way deeper issues than a bad boyfriend.

And there may be anyway. Wishing you the best, OP. I do hope you make some good choices here.

Look op, he has actually admitted to you that he is an arse, and he is showing you who he is, dump him, and organise something nice for your birthday with your own friends.

He is trying not to spoil you, as his ex only wanted him for money, mean with money and his sneaky behaviour, is are huge red flags, run!

So if he doesn’t arrange anything, will you be sitting in on your own?

As a present to yourself, dump him and go out with your friends for your birthday. You don’t need all of this.

It worries me that it sounds like you were the OW, he never told you he was a married man when you got together, and even when you found out, you still stayed with him. There is no way I would allow myself to be the OW, I have too high morals and principles for that; and respect for sisterhood. That you didn't drop him on the spot when you found out doesn't say much for you, and would suggest you both deserve each other. Yes he sounds like a selfish arsehole, but you stayed with him even knowing you were a homewrecker. If he is willing to cheat with you, he will cheat ON you. So no doubt he has 2 or 3 women at the same time. Sorry about your birthday and the anniversary of the death, but you really deserve how he treats you as you clearly have no respect for yourself or for his wife.

Your personalities are clearly not compatible. Your clear lack of self worth and inability to clearly and assertively set out your expectations against his selfish and controlling behaviours is only going to result in an imbalanced and let’s face it abusive relationship in the long run (not victim blaming as this is unacceptable). The only person to suffer with this is going to be you - he clearly gives no fucks (yet becomes all humble and apologetic when you do call him out on it😂).

Get out and get out now. This is not a Ling term relationship and there are so many red flags it’s unbelievable.

But your perfume, hang out with your friends and the best present you can give yourself is the gift of being single.

I have a feeling you won’t because you have such little regard for yourself (but posting on here gives me a glimmer of hope for you). For some being in a relationship is so important, but it can also be very much worse than being single (just read the posts on here).

Be single and work on your self esteem - he won’t change (well he will get worse), but you have a huge opportunity to learn, grow and expect so much more for yourself.

You need to work on your standards op you're not even hitting the most basic of requirements for a normal relationship here.
Sounds like you're just a bunk up / stop gap to your 'bf'.
I don't understand why you don't break up with him, you just seem like you're a passive observer in all this .... if this is your normal way of reacting to problems I suggest, with kindness, you need some therapy.

You dont have to post an answer on here OP but it might be worth having a think about why you are being so passive and accepting regarding his shitty treatment of you. You dont have to wait til he decides he's finished w you.

You seem to be worried about making a fuss and that this all doesnt warrant you dumping him. You don't have to dump him over your birthday. You can tell him it just isnt working out for you. You don't live together, its been 4 months, youve got it easy if you really do want out.

I really am confused though because you are agreeing with posters when they point things out, even finding things out yourself that are really not good, but are remaining passive and resolving to do absolutely nothing about it.

I am confused in what you're really here for or what youre going to gain from all the good advice youre getting here if you've discovered all you have and now you're still going to wait for him to dump you?! Or dissapoint you on your birthday. Its your thread i know and maybe this is helping you but it seems to be the opposite. Good luck OP, i really hope you realise one day that you are not a passenger, but the driver of your own happiness.

I apologised too (I have a tendency to apologise for things that are not my fault).

Which is precisely why he chose you. He thinks you’re a doormat. While you think so little of yourself, he will continue to mess you around and lie because by backing down and apologising, you’re unwittingly enabling his behaviour.

You may not believe you deserve better but you do. Not all men are like this. Don’t “guess”, don’t “prepare”, don’t wait for him to decide what happens. YOU are in control of YOUR life. Better to be single and in control than be mugged off by a liar. You deserve better.

So, you'd rather be in a shitty relationship, than be single.

Why do you think you don't deserve better?

You're just a bit on the side. He's probably still with his wife and there is no divorce in the pipeline.

Why have you fallen for this? He's spun you a line.

This passive, trying desperately to be undemanding behaviour, apologising to him for his shitty behaviour just makes him have less and less respect for you.

I don't mean this unkindly - though it does sound unkind - you are being quite pathetic. I am sorry for how that sounds, as you seem lovely. But you are acting pathetically here - and it is not helping your cause At All!!

Stop being pathetic - because all it does is make people mess you around.

The thought of sitting around, waiting for some sub-standard man to dump me, makes my skin actually crawl.

Please OP. Wake up and re-read all the posts on this thread.

Wrest back a little dignity and control, and tell this joke of a man that it's over.

Your life is up to you, not stingy, sub-par Nigel.