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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend hasn't planned anything for my birthday

148 replies

NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 13:32

It's my birthday next week.

For the last couple of months my boyfriend talked about doing something 'special' for my birthday and doing it this weekend.

Previously he talked about going to an expensive restaurant and mentioned it a few times. I asked him about it a week or so ago (where we are going) and he said there were no tables available and asked where else I wanted to go. That restaurant was his idea and I felt like he had really talked it up.

Today is Wednesday, so I asked him (generally) if there was anything he wanted to do this weekend.

Because he works away (and because he doesn't like talking on the phone) our conversation was had via text while he was doing nothing in his room (he wasn't working, he was unwinding).

He got weird and said "I'll talk to you tomorrow" and "I'll let you be"

To which I responded "you're just busy"

He then texted "Yes" "Cause I'm at work" "Sorry that I don't have time to look at what to do this weekend"

I replied "I'll leave you alone then" (I don't like confrontation or to argue while he is away - or even in person).

He wrote "fine" and "I don't know why I am always the one organising things".

This has really hurt my feelings, but what actually upset me was when he later said he assumed we wouldn't do anything this weekend because it was too close to my mother's death and he thought her death was the day before my birthday. I only told him about the anniversary of her death a few hours ago (mere hours before this conversation).

Why would he choose today to tell me that he was resentful of him having always having to organise things? He actually doesn't organise everything - it doesn't matter to argue, because that won't stop him being resentful.

He hasn't asked me what I want for my birthday and the only reason I am even bringing this up is because he made such a big deal about doing something 'special' and saying he would make a big deal of it.

I don't have any expectations for gifts or anything expensive, I would have been happy to go some place cheap by the beach. I'm upset because of the day it is today and because of his reaction when I asked him about it.

He won't be home next weekend so really this was the only weekend to do something near my birthday.

He's now sent me about 10 messages and called and I don't want to look at my phone, so I am writing here.

Can anyone tell me their relationship/birthday disappointment stories so I don't feel so unreasonable being upset?

OP posts:
boringlyboring · 20/02/2019 16:43

Also the not talking on the phone is a bit fishy to me. I’m not one to normally jump on the OW bandwagon but are you sure there isn’t one? Or is he still involved with his ex(?) wife

HollowTalk · 20/02/2019 16:45

Oh bloody hell, OP, you are worth so much more than this man.

Think of your mum now - would she want you to be with someone like this? He's going for a fight so that he doesn't have to buy you a birthday present. He's tight, argumentative, lazy and selfish.

Nobody's perfect but you'll get someone far nearer that than this man.

Don't get your hair done - save yourself some money. Buy yourself some lovely perfume (which kind is it?) and go out with a friend. Tell this man you don't want to see him any more.

MikeUniformMike · 20/02/2019 16:45

we have been dating since late September, and were exclusive very early on (but did not have the label of girlfriend/boyfriend - his choice which I suspect had something to do with his divorce not being lodged he was still married!! - this is not something I knew when we started dating. So we have been almost 5 months together.

You have been seeing each other since September, when he was, and possibly still is, married to someone else.
He works away during the week.
You did not spend Christmas with him, Or New Year or Valentine's day.
He has made no plans for your birthday.

Is he single? Have you been to his home? Are you a OW?

Yippeee · 20/02/2019 16:46

He’s stingy so this is his way out. Dump him before your birthday because guaranteed he will not treat you very nicely on the day.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/02/2019 16:47

Good lord.

OP, I do believe you have something on your shoe.

Let me pass you a big fuck off tissue for that.

Job done.

AfterSchoolWorry · 20/02/2019 16:51

I don't like confrontation or to argue while he is away - or even in person

I don't have any expectations for gifts

Valentines Day I said no presents & no expectations

I said if he's changed his mind that is fine and that I hope he has a good sleep and tomorrow isn't too stressful

Look, he's a tight, selfish prick. That's who he is.

However, you place no value on yourself at all. You're very submissive and make it clear you have low expectations. He won't thank you for that. He'll just place less and less value on you.

I wouldn't take that shit at all. I'd move on and if you want to be treated nicely stop being so apologetic about it. There's nothing wrong in wanting that.

At the moment you seem to be trying to prove that you're very undemanding and expecting him to appreciate that. That's not going to happen. Because he's a tight prick. He'll just be smugly rubbing his hands together that you're being such a mug.

SleepWarrior · 20/02/2019 17:04

Come on.

  • He's not been open and honest about being married.
  • He's blowing hot and cold and playing mind games with you about your birthday.
  • He doesn't do talking on the phone so you have to have awkward text conversations.

He's not half as keen as you are, even if he is single (and I'm not convinced). What are you enjoying about this? Every day you settle for him you could be missing out on chances to be in a happy relationship, or just to be happy on your own. Life is way too short for this nonsense.

Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 17:07

@MikeUniformMike

We weren't boyfriend/girlfriend at Christmas and we had plans with our own families. Although, it did feel weird not seeing him at all around this period.

I have been to his house, I have met his friends, I have very recently met his entire family and he has very recently met some of my family.

He wanted to take the relationship slow. I accepted that, although - there are many things that are not right. I sleep over once per week when he is home. Always on a weekend. I have never stayed over and gone to work the next day. Whenever I am with him I feel like he is waiting for me to leave.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 20/02/2019 17:16

Cancel the hairdo, make plans to see your friends at the weekend.
Do not see this man, do not text him or phone him.

Nothinglefttochoose · 20/02/2019 17:29

Dump him? Life’s to short to be with a stingy gaslighter m. OP why are you defending him? It’s sounds like this behaviour is typical for him which isn’t what a boyfriend who genuinely cared about you would do!!

Shodan · 20/02/2019 17:39

Dear God just bin this man off. He sounds awful!

My XH never organised anything either. One year he completely forgot my birthday and not only did it upset me, it upset ds2, who was still at the age where he needed help from his dad to get something for me. The following year XH suggested a weekend away for us, and that was his sole input- I researched/organised everything. He still claims all the credit for it though Hmm

^^ This was one of the reasons he is now my ex. He didn't care enough to devote a bit of thought, time and effort, even on my birthday.

HollowTalk · 20/02/2019 18:10

It sounds like he didn't want to give you a Christmas present, either.

Does he talk about women who are trying to get money off men? Does he say maintenance is too high? That women are greedy?

AlwaysCheddar · 20/02/2019 18:15

If you’re feeling like this now, dump him. He’s sounds awful. Why be with him?

youaremyrain · 20/02/2019 18:23

My exBF (note "ex") booked a weekend away one year for us which was at the same time as my birthday. It was ok but there was nothing else, no card, flowers or tiny token gift to open. I was a bit disappointed as he was getting the same as me and there was no effort to make me feel special.

With hindsight I should have been much more grateful because the next year he stayed at his house for my whole birthday and the day either side. When I expressed disappointment he called me a child Hmm

Gina2012 · 20/02/2019 18:32

*I don't know why I am always the one organising things".

You. Have. Been. With. Him. For. Four. Months.

And he comes out with the whiniest, most self-centred line that the grimmest of bad 25 year marriages would be proud of.

For the love of god, get rid of him and find someone who is actually nice to have a relationship with!!!

And do it now so that you can have a nice time on your birthday!*

Spot on

And I'll add. For the love of god it's been FOUR FUCKING MONTHS

Just get rid of the utterly useless ballsack and MOVE ON

Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 20:04

@HollowTalk

He has recently gone through a divorce and the financial settlement is occurring right now. Early on in the relationship he made a comment about how he thought his ex only married him for the financial benefit (he is a very high income earner).

He was the one who made a big deal about my birthday and he's been backing away doing anything and making it my fault.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/02/2019 20:05

You really can do better OP.

Happy birthday Cake

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 20/02/2019 20:08

he made a comment about how he thought his ex only married him for the financial benefit

Massive red flag. And now he is setting you up for exactly the same accusation - that you "insisted" on being taken out to a fancy restaurant, sulked that he didn't make enough fuss for your birthday, etc.

Dump him. This will only get worse.

Yippeee · 20/02/2019 20:53

He sounds horrible.

You feel like he can’t wait for you to leave? That’s no relationship.

JessieMcJessie · 20/02/2019 21:48

Very high income yet stingy. Please LTB OP.

JessieMcJessie · 20/02/2019 21:50

You really really are selling yourself short. Have you not had many relationships? Good ones really don’t have to be hard or require over-thinking, second guessing, walking on eggshells or making excuses. You just enjoy each other’s company, talk to each other most days and tell the truth.

I have been in both types of relationship and the difference is like night and day.

fargo123 · 20/02/2019 21:56

Give yourself the (birthday) gift of self respect and walk away from this loser now - before you fall pregnant to him and end up tied to him forever.

NCjustforthisthread · 20/02/2019 23:59

Run, and run FAST.

ViolaD77 · 21/02/2019 01:07

How old r u OP? Not to sound patronising but as you get older you will meet a man that keeps his word abd wonder why u were stressing over this idiot

M00vinBl00s · 21/02/2019 05:25

I think that this guy is not that into you. It seems he makes little effort to please you. If someone is short of money some things don't cost much like a poem, a romantic walk, something homemade. At such an early stage in a relationship, it should be more exciting, romantic. You deserve better.