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Original poster

Boyfriend hasn't planned anything for my birthday

148 replies

NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 13:32

It's my birthday next week.

For the last couple of months my boyfriend talked about doing something 'special' for my birthday and doing it this weekend.

Previously he talked about going to an expensive restaurant and mentioned it a few times. I asked him about it a week or so ago (where we are going) and he said there were no tables available and asked where else I wanted to go. That restaurant was his idea and I felt like he had really talked it up.

Today is Wednesday, so I asked him (generally) if there was anything he wanted to do this weekend.

Because he works away (and because he doesn't like talking on the phone) our conversation was had via text while he was doing nothing in his room (he wasn't working, he was unwinding).

He got weird and said "I'll talk to you tomorrow" and "I'll let you be"

To which I responded "you're just busy"

He then texted "Yes" "Cause I'm at work" "Sorry that I don't have time to look at what to do this weekend"

I replied "I'll leave you alone then" (I don't like confrontation or to argue while he is away - or even in person).

He wrote "fine" and "I don't know why I am always the one organising things".

This has really hurt my feelings, but what actually upset me was when he later said he assumed we wouldn't do anything this weekend because it was too close to my mother's death and he thought her death was the day before my birthday. I only told him about the anniversary of her death a few hours ago (mere hours before this conversation).

Why would he choose today to tell me that he was resentful of him having always having to organise things? He actually doesn't organise everything - it doesn't matter to argue, because that won't stop him being resentful.

He hasn't asked me what I want for my birthday and the only reason I am even bringing this up is because he made such a big deal about doing something 'special' and saying he would make a big deal of it.

I don't have any expectations for gifts or anything expensive, I would have been happy to go some place cheap by the beach. I'm upset because of the day it is today and because of his reaction when I asked him about it.

He won't be home next weekend so really this was the only weekend to do something near my birthday.

He's now sent me about 10 messages and called and I don't want to look at my phone, so I am writing here.

Can anyone tell me their relationship/birthday disappointment stories so I don't feel so unreasonable being upset?

OP posts:
SpannerH · 22/02/2019 08:44

I would be seriously pissed off and probably not bother with him at all this weekend. Could it be that he has organised a surprise and is trying to throw you off the scent?

I know this wasn't part of the question but I would be seriously suspicious that he doesn't talk on the phone and only texts. could he have another family/life/girlfriend etc through the week?

MyOtherProfile · 22/02/2019 08:48

@OffToBedhampton what new boyfriend?

Alconleigh · 22/02/2019 09:02

What they all said. You can do so much better OP. I started seeing someone early Dec. We didn't do Christmas presents but he bought me a lovely addition to my decorations which was v sweet. It was his birthday just after Christmas and I bought him a smallish gift and took him out for dinner. I don't really do valentines but he booked the restaurant we first went out to for the night before, as it was 3 months exactly since we'd been there together (on a non date, as I thought at the time!). All just about the thought, not the money, and demonstrating that you care about the other person.

I'm saying all this as it's the baseline, expected stuff. Or it should be. Making an effort for someone you care about is not an effort. Find someone who agrees

MintyT · 22/02/2019 09:08

Thank you Team I will read that in my break.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/02/2019 09:18

He doesn't care that much and he doesn't want to put any effort into you. You know this, really - his actions scream it, and have since the start.

You can accept it, but don't expect him to change - that way madness lies. Or you can bin him off, spend your birthday doing something better, and find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

MRex · 22/02/2019 09:54

There are thousands of men on dating sites hoping to meet someone special; many of them are nice decent guys who you could have a future with. Date one of them tonight, go out with your mates tomorrow and don't bother responding to this guy again.

Motoko · 22/02/2019 11:19

Honestly, dumping him is a no brainer.

Why on earth would you even consider carrying on with someone like this, unless you're just desperate to have a boyfriend, no matter how shit he is?

Wedgiecar58 · 22/02/2019 12:11

As another PP said, maybe he is planning to surprise you and getting frustrated that you keep asking when he is trying to keep it a surprise.

Or maybe he has got fed up that what he had in mind didn't work out, and has given up on organising an alternative.

I would wait and see what happens and if he hasn't made any effort, then dump him.

For a relatively new relationship and your first birthday as his gf, he should be pushing the boat out.

AgentPeggyCarter · 22/02/2019 12:58

I would wait and see what happens and if he hasn't made any effort, then dump him.

This, definitely.

OfficeSlave · 22/02/2019 13:17

Give yourself the best birthday present ever, for you, and DUMP HIM.

Gaslighting. Manipulation. Selfishness. Controlling.

Don’t wait, don’t take yourself through sadness and anticipation of another week WAITING TO SEE WHAT A GASLIGHTING BASTARD is going to do for you and BE KIND TO YOURSELF and spend the week instead planning nice small things for yourself and getting over this berk.

Truly. Waiting around to be hurt will do you no favours. Life is too short. You can already see that when you exercise the tiniest bit of indifference or neutrality, he panics. He wants you to be sad, mad, waiting for his texts, waiting for him. Stop it. Sending good thoughts your way OP.x

wizzywig · 22/02/2019 13:27

I bet if you make plans elsewhere, he'll make out that the fancy restaurant has a table free, but because he wants you to have fun with your friends he didnt take up the table

buttercupsyruplove · 22/02/2019 13:34

He's a game player.
I used to go out with someone like him... he used to tell me about all these amazing things he was going to do, places he was going to take me and none of it ever happened. He turned out to be a right horror, psycho gaslighting control freak.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 22/02/2019 13:46

He’s showing you who he is is OP, take note!

It shouldn’t ever be this hard

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 22/02/2019 13:57

Him telling you he loves you all the time after four months is a big red flag for me!

Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 23/02/2019 06:54

@FineWordsForAPorcupine that is exactly what happened.

I challenged him on the death anniversary and said he knew about the death prior, said he would still organise something so telling me he decided not to plan anything because I mentioned me being sad on the 20th was not a reason at all. I also said that if he changed his mind I was fine with that.

We argued for hours on his flight back home and he admitted he was an ass.

I’m concerned about the red flags. I enjoy his company but I knew he was gaslighting me. I responded that I didn’t care and that really upset him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 23/02/2019 07:06

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson that is absolutely horrendous!!

I can see so many similarities. My issue was the drama he made about it, even though I asked him not to talk about it or promise things because I didn’t want it to be a let down/disappointment on the day. He assured me it wouldn’t.

He’s also working away next weekend, so this is the only time. If he wanted to he could have booked the restaurant (but I understand these things happen). The real issue is him going on about it and making a really shitty excuse a couple of days prior (I mean, how much worse can you get by blaming the anniversary of my mother’s death as the reason you hadn’t organised anything & when that failed (because I didn’t get angry at him) - indicating resentment that he has to organise anything at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 23/02/2019 07:11

@SpannerH - no, it wasn’t that. We didn’t even have a date planned (i.e. be ready by such and such time and wear a dress).

When we argued after I posted this he said he had a surprose planned and I responded that whatever it was would be an absolute surprise to the both of us.
I made it clear I wasn’t upset he didn’t plan anything, I was upset because he made a massive deal out of it and didn’t follow through and then blamed my mother’s death (on the anniversary of her death) as the reason why.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 23/02/2019 07:16

@CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson - your ex is the same as my bf - he is super organised and he plans things.
I suspected the expensive restaurant would fall through because he mentioned how expensive it was. I don’t assume to know his financial commitments or have expectations of fine dining. But he has never taken me anywhere expensive and this is almost 5 months in now. I’m concerned he might be tight. Because that is something that will never ever resolve and would be a deal breaker.

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 23/02/2019 07:28

This does not sound like a relationship but a stop gap for him, sorry op.

Hellohappiness · 23/02/2019 07:32

So what’s the position now op? Have you seen him? Have you had your birthday yet?

Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 23/02/2019 07:49

@Hellohappiness - it’s my birthday during the week. I was going out last night and he wanted to come too, so I have seen him. We’ve talked about it and he has apologised. I apologised too (I have a tendency to apologise for things that are not my fault).

He hasn’t asked me about a present, so I assume that I won’t get anything.

I think he is one of those people who have great ideas for things but ultimately doesn’t deliver (because he changes his mind).
I guess I need to prepare myself for disappointment.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 23/02/2019 07:52

@Beaverhausen I’ve suspected the same, and he has now become very anxious about it. I guess I can only prepare myself to be single soon. It’s disappointing, but you don’t really know people until you’ve seen them react to stress and I don’t think my birthday is really enough to trigger a stress reaction. I haven’t talked it up or told him I have expectations. I guess I will just wait and see.

OP posts:
HarrySnotter · 23/02/2019 07:58

Why wait and see? Do you really want to be with him OP?

Foslady · 23/02/2019 08:02

It has taken me til the age of 50 to realise that this is not the way how all men are - three long term relationships and all three the same as this guy (the middle one initially earning more than me and then when on Maternity leave and then working P/T boy did it ramp up his behaviour, the last one earning serious money but when the chance to move he relationship on after 10 flaming years and I finally made a stand he backed totally off and said he needed ‘his space’)
He’s really not worth it. My partner now is lovely - I have the ‘don’t expect anything ‘ mentality after all these years and he can’t understand why just him bringing a load of bread in is a big deal for me!

Get out there and find a person who yhinks as much of you as you do Him - in a good way!

Foslady · 23/02/2019 08:03

If you wait and see he’ll say you were only bothered about money, the same as his ex - I’d take back the power now

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