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Original poster

Boyfriend hasn't planned anything for my birthday

148 replies

NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 13:32

It's my birthday next week.

For the last couple of months my boyfriend talked about doing something 'special' for my birthday and doing it this weekend.

Previously he talked about going to an expensive restaurant and mentioned it a few times. I asked him about it a week or so ago (where we are going) and he said there were no tables available and asked where else I wanted to go. That restaurant was his idea and I felt like he had really talked it up.

Today is Wednesday, so I asked him (generally) if there was anything he wanted to do this weekend.

Because he works away (and because he doesn't like talking on the phone) our conversation was had via text while he was doing nothing in his room (he wasn't working, he was unwinding).

He got weird and said "I'll talk to you tomorrow" and "I'll let you be"

To which I responded "you're just busy"

He then texted "Yes" "Cause I'm at work" "Sorry that I don't have time to look at what to do this weekend"

I replied "I'll leave you alone then" (I don't like confrontation or to argue while he is away - or even in person).

He wrote "fine" and "I don't know why I am always the one organising things".

This has really hurt my feelings, but what actually upset me was when he later said he assumed we wouldn't do anything this weekend because it was too close to my mother's death and he thought her death was the day before my birthday. I only told him about the anniversary of her death a few hours ago (mere hours before this conversation).

Why would he choose today to tell me that he was resentful of him having always having to organise things? He actually doesn't organise everything - it doesn't matter to argue, because that won't stop him being resentful.

He hasn't asked me what I want for my birthday and the only reason I am even bringing this up is because he made such a big deal about doing something 'special' and saying he would make a big deal of it.

I don't have any expectations for gifts or anything expensive, I would have been happy to go some place cheap by the beach. I'm upset because of the day it is today and because of his reaction when I asked him about it.

He won't be home next weekend so really this was the only weekend to do something near my birthday.

He's now sent me about 10 messages and called and I don't want to look at my phone, so I am writing here.

Can anyone tell me their relationship/birthday disappointment stories so I don't feel so unreasonable being upset?

OP posts:
Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 15:01

@MikeUniformMike - there isn't any surprise because we don't have any plans to even meet up yet. I understood that the restaurant was the present. Now there is no restaurant but he is resentful of him always organizing things.

I don't want to see him now. I just feel so awful.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 20/02/2019 15:03

A restaurant meal isn't a present, and neither are flowers, chocolates or bubbly.

hellsbellsmelons · 20/02/2019 15:06

Wow - so he's not thoughtful or kind.
He is stingy and he does gaslight you.
You know what to do OP.
He's not worth your time any more.
Plan this weekend with friends and get out there.

Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 15:09

@Lolly34h I am sorry to read that. Happy Birthday for tomorrow!

I ordinarily don't have my birthday acknowledged, but he made such a big deal of it and now it's just disappointing. I even made an appointment to get my hair done on Saturday (even though I can't really afford it) ...and now I just feel silly because I did it anticipating that I would be going out that night.

OP posts:
Unhomme · 20/02/2019 15:10

Why not call the restaurant yourself...you'll know if he's a liar as well...

JessieMcJessie · 20/02/2019 15:15

In the kindest possible way OP, you are selling yourself very short by going out with this twat. He is full of shit and categorically does NOT love you, despite whatever love bombing nonsense it suits him to spout when he feels like it. I base my judgment not on anything to do with his handling of the birthday- which is bad- but in this alone:

He is in a hotel room alone, not rushing anywhere and he DOES NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU. He is texting you as if you were some Tinder date he hasn’t yet met up with. In fact, he probably is texting a Tinder date at the same time.
Dump him and find someone who behaves like an adult.

Magicstar1 · 20/02/2019 15:16

It's not an odd time to show his resentment...he's done it now so you can fall out before your birthday and he won't have to buy you a gift. Then you make up afterwards, and he'll promise to make it up to you next year - and so on.
Definitely make plans with your friends instead and get rid of him while he's still pretty new and hasn't got his claws into you.
And have a great birthday!!

spongedog · 20/02/2019 15:18

I agree with other PPs - he is messing you about. If you need "proof" - perhaps call the restaurant and see what availability they have for this weekend.

downcasteyes · 20/02/2019 15:18

Ugh, he's being shit! Cancel the hair, bin him off, ring the restaurant, and book a table with your mates instead! You deserve to have so much fun!

SinkGirl · 20/02/2019 15:22

You’ve been together 3 or 4 months and he works away - how much have you actually seen him?

He doesn’t like talking on the phone - how convenient.

You don’t live together and have no logistical ties to him - it’s not supposed to be this difficult

Honeyroar · 20/02/2019 15:24

Could he actually have something planned as a surprise?

If not, if he's really made no effort for the first of your birthdays he's been around for, while professing to love you, then he's really not worth wasting any more time on.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2019 15:25

The best way you can celebrate this birthday is to dump him like the sack of rubbish he is. Don't waste another day on him.

Bussells · 20/02/2019 15:28

YANBU to feel the way you do. He has let you down and is now being unpleasant about it. You’ve been with him a few months and this is how it is now, I imagine it’ll get worse - you can do better than this, you’re worth more

Bussells · 20/02/2019 15:29

And saying you love someone is a lot easier than actually doing anything to demonstrate it

LeadMeToTheChocolate · 20/02/2019 15:33

God he sounds like so many of my ex’s.
Organise fun stuff to do with your friends and ignore him for a few days so you can mull things over.
It’s your birthday and he’s being an arse. No excuses for his behaviour.
Sounds to me like he’s got a girlfriend/wife already. Sorry OP I’d be walking away.xxx

M4J4 · 20/02/2019 15:36

He is resenting the thought of having to spend the money on the expensive restaurant.

He wanted the kudos for suggesing booking the restaurant for your birthday but doesn't want to actually spend the money on you and is using your mother's anniversary of her death as an excuse not to do so.

In shirt, he's a prick and you would be mad to stay with him.

SleepWarrior · 20/02/2019 15:39

This is no fun at all. Personally I'd end the relationship before your birthday so you don't have this hanging over it. Then you can enjoy not feeling trapped in a confusing and miserable couple on your birthday.

Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 15:39

@Unhomme - I checked the restaurant online. It is booked out. But we could go there for lunch on another date. The last time he mentioned the restaurant (before I asked if he made the reservation) was when he mentioned it was really expensive. He didn't book then, his friends would have told him that he would need to book early. If he booked when he was going on about it then we would have a reservation. I only found out in the last week or two that he didn't book it. My post tonight was about how he has indicated resentment at having to organise anything for my birthday. Despite previously making a big deal of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 15:50

@Magicstar1

Seriously?? I am too old for these sorts of games. I responded that it isn't his job to always make the plans, that he made a big deal of it and mentioned doing it this weekend. I said if he's changed his mind that is fine and that I hope he has a good sleep and tomorrow isn't too stressful.

He then sent a flurry of panic texts and tried to call (which is very rare). He said he felt like it was his responsibility to always organise things and he did want to see me.

He did want a falling out so he wouldn't have to buy me a present. I realise that now.

There is only one thing I want for my birthday. It was perfume that was stolen a couple of months ago (very expensive). I will buy it for myself.

We didn't do Christmas presents because we weren't even boyfriend/girlfriend over Christmas and because I don't make a big deal of those things. Valentines Day I said no presents & no expectations. On the day I had to prompt him to text me "Happy Valentines Day".

I think he is financially mean and you're right - all of this was to avoid having to get me a present. But I didn't expect a present at all.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 20/02/2019 16:08

So you haven’t even properly been together since October, it’s only been less than two months at the most?

tattooq · 20/02/2019 16:21

I wasted almost a decade in two 4/5 year relationships with men who made zero effort for any special occasion. It's soul destroying when someone who is supposed to love you can't be arsed to do anything nice for you. Bin him off and do something lovely for yourself.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 20/02/2019 16:22

I can't tell you any disappointing stories because my husband isn't selfish and thoughtless.

this.
At its been like that pretty much from day 1

Nyon · 20/02/2019 16:29

So no Christmas, Valentine or birthday present? Bloody hell OP, he’s shown his true colours here. He wants you only when he can be bothered and doesn’t want to make a fuss of you at times like that. Doesn’t sound worth it (and I speak as someone who’s DP has fucked up my birthday before but he did sort it out).

Original poster
NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 16:40

@SinkGirl we have been dating since late September, and were exclusive very early on (but did not have the label of girlfriend/boyfriend - his choice which I suspect had something to do with his divorce not being lodged he was still married!! - this is not something I knew when we started dating. So we have been almost 5 months together.

OP posts:
boringlyboring · 20/02/2019 16:41

Apologies OP but I think I’ve missed something. He asked you where you wanted to go instead, did you tell him? It sounds like you left it and then asked at ‘last minute’

Also
Valentines Day I said no presents & no expectations. On the day I had to prompt him to text me "Happy Valentines Day".

It’s a bit of a mixed message to me. You made a point of not doing anything but then you wanted him to do/say something?

But I think I might have misunderstood as I’m obviously in the minority!

Either way it seems too much hard work on both ends. The ‘I’ll leave you be’ texts back and forth are particularly exhausting and something I did as a PA teen when I wanted the other person to beg me to keep texting!