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Original poster

Boyfriend hasn't planned anything for my birthday

148 replies

NewUserNamePostedBefore · 20/02/2019 13:32

It's my birthday next week.

For the last couple of months my boyfriend talked about doing something 'special' for my birthday and doing it this weekend.

Previously he talked about going to an expensive restaurant and mentioned it a few times. I asked him about it a week or so ago (where we are going) and he said there were no tables available and asked where else I wanted to go. That restaurant was his idea and I felt like he had really talked it up.

Today is Wednesday, so I asked him (generally) if there was anything he wanted to do this weekend.

Because he works away (and because he doesn't like talking on the phone) our conversation was had via text while he was doing nothing in his room (he wasn't working, he was unwinding).

He got weird and said "I'll talk to you tomorrow" and "I'll let you be"

To which I responded "you're just busy"

He then texted "Yes" "Cause I'm at work" "Sorry that I don't have time to look at what to do this weekend"

I replied "I'll leave you alone then" (I don't like confrontation or to argue while he is away - or even in person).

He wrote "fine" and "I don't know why I am always the one organising things".

This has really hurt my feelings, but what actually upset me was when he later said he assumed we wouldn't do anything this weekend because it was too close to my mother's death and he thought her death was the day before my birthday. I only told him about the anniversary of her death a few hours ago (mere hours before this conversation).

Why would he choose today to tell me that he was resentful of him having always having to organise things? He actually doesn't organise everything - it doesn't matter to argue, because that won't stop him being resentful.

He hasn't asked me what I want for my birthday and the only reason I am even bringing this up is because he made such a big deal about doing something 'special' and saying he would make a big deal of it.

I don't have any expectations for gifts or anything expensive, I would have been happy to go some place cheap by the beach. I'm upset because of the day it is today and because of his reaction when I asked him about it.

He won't be home next weekend so really this was the only weekend to do something near my birthday.

He's now sent me about 10 messages and called and I don't want to look at my phone, so I am writing here.

Can anyone tell me their relationship/birthday disappointment stories so I don't feel so unreasonable being upset?

OP posts:
TheLastNigel · 21/02/2019 05:47

Did he tell you the financial settlement is happening now? Because that's odd in itself.Financial settlement usually happens before the divorce is finalised-so are you sure he is actually divorced?

My dp is not very confident and so struggled with organising stuff for us to do in the early days of our relationship. It sometimes felt like pulling teeth getting him to organise stuff and I did get a bit pissed off. We talked about it and he explained it and I could see the issue.we decided that we would take it in turns to organise one biggish thing for the other a month (a gig/day trip/whatever). This worked really well and he grew in confidence on organising stuff as a result. The difference there being that there was an actual reason for my dp's behaviour and he was nice in all other ways. Your man here doesn't seem like he's all that nice to you tbh... and it hasn't been that long for you that it's hard to get out of it

TheLastNigel · 21/02/2019 05:52

...what does he do for you that actually make your feel good about the relationship?

purplepears · 21/02/2019 06:03

Make your own plans with your friends. He's only going to disappoint you. And then gaslight you into believing you are too needy.
At 4 months into a new relationship it should be fun and fireworks. Not this.

LellyMcKelly · 21/02/2019 06:09

4 months? Oh, just get rid. He’s still on his best behaviour and he’s still dreadful.

Shoxfordian · 21/02/2019 06:48

Just dump him, he's not making anywhere near enough effort

MintyT · 22/02/2019 06:15

Comments on this thread has touched a cord with me. Upthread it was said about intentions rather than actions. - please can someone explain gaslighting I have googled but it referred to a film It's got to a point with me that when I'm told - we will go to the beach /drink / dinner / London. In my head I know it won't happen but if I then mention disappointment it's not his fault but mine for looking forward to to - not explaining myself very well But please explain to me simple or complex gaslighting.

namechangechanger · 22/02/2019 06:33

Omg he sounds proper shite. You need to get rid of him!

Monty27 · 22/02/2019 06:35

Good lord. Bin him off.
There's nothing that sounds good about him.
Think on OP.
I wouldn't be able to resist watching him squirm first though and would have to pretend he hasn't been rumbled. Lower than a snakes belly that one

Shock
Pinkprincess1978 · 22/02/2019 06:35

My now DH and I had only been dating 6 weeks when I had a birthday. He still got me a cd and a lovely bottle of wine plus we spend the day together, had a meal etc.

Length of time together doesn't mean you get no presents at all. It's just not an excuse. Even if he hasn't organised anything special, just arranging to meet and 'decide when we see each other' should be enough but by the sounds of it, you haven't even had that.

When we were dating we worked together so would see each other through the day sporadically and signs lunch time together but we still spoke pretty much every night. Text as well but always a phone call too. It's weird he doesn't want to talk even for a few minutes before you both go to sleep.

Do yourself a favour and move on to someone who after 5 months should have more feelings for you than this.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 22/02/2019 06:54

Hi @MintyT - gas lighting is deliberately messing with someone's perception of reality. It's not just straightforward lying or manipulating (although both of these are bad too). For example :

OPs boyfriend said he would take her out for her birthday. When it comes to it, he can't be arsed.

  1. "I thought it would be too painful for you, what with being so close to the anniversary of losing your mother" - this is straight up lying. BF doesnt think this, but it is a convenient excuse.

  2. "You are being really needy - insisting that I organise a posh meal out and then sulking when the restaurant is booked up. Why am I always the one who has to organise things? " - this is gaslighting. The BF is altering the facts by saying this was her idea all along and that she is being demanding. This makes even the most secure person think" hang on, did I do that? " and wonder if they are to blame.

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2019 07:06

Jeez, what are you doing? When you stay with him you get the feeling he is waiting for you to leave, he doesn't want to talk to you on the phone, makes promises and lets you down, just end it. How bad does he have to treat you before you say enough?

LoubyLou1234 · 22/02/2019 07:06

Four months in and there's already issues, don't get dragged into this it won't end well. Take yourself out with friends and when he assumes you'll be with him, tell him no plans were made. Listen to advice on here, already hints about who he is if you think about it.

ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 22/02/2019 07:16

op, he sounds awful. Please value yourself more highly than the way he's treating you and dump him!

Whereareyouspot · 22/02/2019 07:16

OP you sound really lovely

Value yourself
Look at what you have typed to us- it’s all there.

You will find a partner who wants to be with you, wants to make you happy and supports you around events that cause you pain like your mums anniversary.

This isn’t that partner.

It really really shouldn’t be this hard.
This isn’t as good as it gets.

Please love yourself enough to insist on a partner that does too.

OrdinaryGirl · 22/02/2019 07:30

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

TeamRafael · 22/02/2019 07:40

@MintyT This is a good article on gaslighting:

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201701/11-warning-signs-gaslighting

OP, I got goosebumps when I read this:
he said he assumed we wouldn't do anything this weekend because it was too close to my mother's death and he thought her death was the day before my birthday. I only told him about the anniversary of her death a few hours ago.

This is so typical of gaslighting. Please get out now - don't waste anymore time on this man. Gaslighting is a form of abuse and for it to be showing this early in your relationship is a massive red flag. It will only get worse and more frequent over time until you think you're going mad. Take it from someone who's 20 years in with a husband who's a master at it.

Luckingfovely · 22/02/2019 07:46

I hope you can take in the great wealth of advice here telling you that this man is no good. This is no relationship at all and will only get worse.

Please find your courage, finish it, and block him. And then go celebrate your birthday with people who actually care about you! Thanks

MyOtherProfile · 22/02/2019 07:54

Really hope you've called it a day with him and arranged something nice for your birthday.

QueenofallIsee · 22/02/2019 08:08

I hope you are OK OP, you really deserve more than this chap! My DP was very short of money for my birthday this year and apologetic about that - we went away for a weekend but i paid (higher earner x 4). That said, he researched everything, drove, reasearched for a beautiful walk with a highly rated pub and bought me lunch and wrote me a poem. It was lovely and made me feel special. It’s not too much to ask that someone takes a little bit of time to show you that they love you on your birthday. Please dump him

kaytee87 · 22/02/2019 08:17

He sounds like a prince among men. Leave him now, this will go nowhere.

CharlyAngelic · 22/02/2019 08:19

FlowersWineHave a great birthday @NewUser
Take the advice. Best birthday present!

HeckinHell · 22/02/2019 08:23

OP, you can do better than this!

He sounds so similar to my ex - would make a big deal about things he was going to do for me (never did any of them), would say he loved me but his actions didn’t reflect that. If friends organised something for me (birthdays etc) because he clearly wasn’t going to, he almost seemed to resent that he felt he had to attend. Either bought no presents (I didn’t understand the stress he was under/his finances/all sorts of bollocks to try and make out that I was unreasonable when I’d never asked for anything), or bought me something that was clearly thoughtless and grabbed at the last second. He tried to make me express gratitude for times when he’d done nothing out of the ordinary at all (think driving for half an hour once a week to see me) as though this was evidence of him making some grand effort.

Honestly, get out now. You’re worth so much more than this, and if he’s like this after only 4 months it’s really not going to improve!

mummmy2017 · 22/02/2019 08:34

OMG .

Why do you think you don't deserve someone who cares?

OffToBedhampton · 22/02/2019 08:41

OP, you should go out to dinner with your new boyfriend for your birthday.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 22/02/2019 08:43

I had an ex like this. We lived about 2 hours away from each other but saw each other most weekends and occasionally in the weeks deepening on shifts.

Went on shortly after we got together about how much effort he went to for birthdays, how he always made a real effort to choose thoughtful presents, and any of his exs could vouch for this (my birthday was due about 3 months after we got together). I'm not actually that arsed about grand gestures, preferring something understated and thoughtful, I'd even prefer just a card with a heartfelt message, but couldn't help but be excited to see what he came up with because of what he'd said. I'd already planned to have a party with close friends at my flat before we met the weekend before my birthday which I invited him to, and just asked that we spend the evening of my birthday together the following week which he agreed.

On the weekend of my party he arrived a couple of hours before the party started, handing me a bottle of wine 'for my contribution to the party' and a bottle of bubbly in a gift bag 'for you' which I thought was a bit odd, but thanked him anyway.

He stayed the night, all was fine, and he left the next day. 2 days later I get a text to say 'sorry I've messed up and agreed to work on your birthday. Can't change it now. See you soon'. And on my birthday I didn't even get a card. I jokingly asked him where it was and he said 'on my desk at work, didn't get round to sending it'. The while thing was such a bloody let down BECAUSE of the fuss he'd made about how good he was at birthdays!

This is someone who was almost over organised, no way he would have forgotten either that he was working or to send a card. What it made clear though was that he wasn't into me and I deserved better, so I ended it.

You'll be doing yourself a favour by doing the same. He's not that into you, and he's tight. Fuck him off, you deserve better