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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not be able to get passed this?

134 replies

buttermymuffins · 20/02/2019 13:19

Be gentle as this is affecting my mental health. DH1 voted leave, I voted remain. I can't get over my anger with him. He says he had no moral option because Europe laughed in the face of David Cameron when he tried to negotiate our terms in the EU. He has never voted Conservative in his life but has a very strong moral compass. He totally does not see that his vote to leave has contributed to this mess we are in as a country and the long lasting impact it Will have on our 2 DCs. Does anyone else have a partner who voted differently and feels very strongly about it? How have you got through it? I am so upset at the state of this country but I just can't talk about it with him. Please don't say to respect his decision & move on because the impact of leave is so far reaching & will have such an impact on so many aspects of our lives for so long. I work in a business where I see this every day - not just from a business point of view but people's attitudes, tolerance levels etc. Maybe it's a sign of a deeper rooted problem between us which I need to explore. Help. It's making me so sad.

OP posts:

Raspberry88 · 20/02/2019 16:12

If he said sorry and that he regretted it would that make a difference

Why the hell should he say sorry!!???? He is allowed to vote how he wishes for whatever reason he wishes. He is culpable for nothing!

JenniferJareau · 20/02/2019 16:16

Ok, of course he is allowed different opinions & I totally respect that.

No you don't. You clearly think you are right and anyone who voted leave was wrong, that's the crux of your issue and your anger.

If you truly respect that people have different opinions, then you have to allow them to vote as they see fit whether or not it ties in with your own view.

Choud1616 · 20/02/2019 16:17

I feel you, I really do. My parents voted leave and we fell out majorly at the time.
BUT.
Your children will be more effected by your worry and anger than they will be the economic situation of this country. We don't know what's going to happen. Focus on the here and now - your family are the most important.

3timeslucky · 20/02/2019 16:23

*If he said sorry and that he regretted it would that make a difference

Why the hell should he say sorry!!???? He is allowed to vote how he wishes for whatever reason he wishes. He is culpable for nothing!*

My question was whether him changing his view and regretting his vote would make any difference to how the poster feels given that his regret would not change the current situation. He would not be the only person to have decided that he was sold a lie and should have voted differently.

There's a lot has happened in the UK since the vote that is far from positive. I've yet to see any evidence that the country or its population either is in a better place, or even feels it is. He has played his part in creating the shitstorm that currently exists. So yeah, he's partically culpable. You can vote as you please. That's democracy. Though possibly debatable when a vote is based on lies and deception. But you don't become absolved of any fall-out from your vote.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 20/02/2019 16:24

There’s a weekly programme on Radio 4 about how to disagree. They were talking about scientists this week. Who spend years “ proving” their theory only to have someone totally disagree and disprove it.

It wasn’t your husbands fault that more than half the vote went his way.

The nature of Brexit will depend on thousands of decisions over the next few years. There is no definitive outcome.

Gth1234 · 20/02/2019 16:25

You are being daft letting it come between you. Is your DH not entitled to a view?

Auntiepatricia · 20/02/2019 16:26

It would be very very weird and upsetting to discover my DH was so....low in thinking to be honest. Like if he turned around and said something racist/sexist/deeply religious. Wait, he is religious and me atheist but we can navigate that. Though I do have moments where I think ‘what the actual fuck’ at the thought that he believes in the almighty sky fairy. My parents do too. I just can’t get my head around it.

In real life I’d never insult a leaver or a religious person so directly though so I’m taking liberties with the freedom of being hopefully anon online.

WinnieFosterTether · 20/02/2019 16:30

DH and I rarely vote the same way. We're both informed. We actually have similar values but just disagree on the best practical way to attain them at a country-wide level.
With kindness, I don't think this is about your DH or Brexit. You're catastrophising the impact of his vote. You're catastrophising its impact on your relationship. You sound depressed and anxious.
I'd suggest a visit to the GP or a counsellor. And also a sabbatical from Brexit articles/threads/tv programmes. You need to centre yourself in your RL with your family.

MummytoCSJH · 20/02/2019 16:32

I can cope with friends who voted to leave but luckily my partner also voted remain (as did the rest of my close family). I couldn't stay with a partner who had voted to leave - it goes against my entire political views. There are many people who voted to remain but don't feel AS strongly as me and would he completely fine.

MummytoCSJH · 20/02/2019 16:41

I want to add its not just about difference of opinion, as I know I'm just going to be called dramatic. Take the US and Trump for example - voting for him, on the surface, is that you don't like illegal immigration and want freedom with guns protected. Not what I support, and people die from this, but maybe as it doesn't affect me I shouldn't care. Underneath the surface, however, you're supporting somebody who thinks it is okay to sexually assault women. You haven't voted for Trump and not heard about the things he's done. There is no way I could be friends with someone who is openly okay with my entire gender being discriminated against - including me - likewise if I have to say 'imagine if that were your sister or mother' to get you to care about the issue then you are not the kind of person I want to engage with. Others can make that decision about me too of course.

Raspberry88 · 20/02/2019 16:47

Brexit hasn't ever sexually assaulted anyone though....??

twofingerstoEverything · 20/02/2019 16:47

OP, sorry some people have ignored your request to 'be gentle'. MH issues are a bummer and can be triggered by all sorts of things, including Brexit. I completely get your point. The referendum was not like a general election where a government can be voted out after a few years; the outcome of the vote will have long-term effects and has already been detrimental to certain groups and caused enormous schisms. Why shouldn't you have an emotional reaction to this? You can't help the way you feel.

It probably hasn't helped you to see the government floundering around without a plan for the past couple of years. The lack of positivity has been mind-bending and that alone would be anxiety-inducing for a lot of people.

Bohbell · 20/02/2019 16:49

secondtimebuyer please start a thread or write a column about what you have just said. Thank goodness for people like you who are not being blindsided by a bias media. I cannot believe some of the posts I’ve read whereby people’s once good relationships are under threat because of radical political polarisation. I voted leave. My DH voted remain. We have barely spoken about it TBH. If the Honda situation hasn’t proven the blatant media bias from the likes of the BBC - where they are insisting the factory closing is Brexit related despite Honda saying it isnt - then i dont know what will.

OP please just turn off the TV, stop looking at social media, stop listening to the news and focus on your family’s wellbeing until the hype has passed. Its not worth sacrificing your home life for. Your DH has not changed into the bogeyman. There are millions of decent people who voted leave. Im afraid the only problem is that most of the media is made up of remainers and they are using their platforms to push their own political agendas. If you dont believe me then jeremy vine yesterday had a debate on ‘should leave voters be forced out of Honda first’. Now that is so wrong on so many levels, and insighting hatred, i dont even know where to begin with it.

Just stop thinking about it and do something nice with your husband. Its just people trying to sell papers.

LollyHolly24 · 20/02/2019 16:50

If I was already with my Partner and in love and then we voted differently I think I qould have to get past it. However, I would seripusly question compatibility as your opinion differs on fundamental things (so much more and bigger than politics). There is no way I could date someone knowing the voted Labour/Lib Dem/Green or voted to remain.

Thankfully my Partner voted Leave too :-)

Hobsbawm · 20/02/2019 17:00

If my husband had voted leave, I think we'd be heading for divorce right now. I'd feel I didn't know the man I married at all.

We both work in fields that are heavily affected by Brexit. We both have reason to be informed about it. We both have some core values, principles, and beliefs in common. If he'd voted leave, it would have meant he was either too lazy to pay any attention on such an important matter or didn't care about its consequences. It would mean that he didn't actually have those core values that are a key part of our lives together.

We've got a life together, we've got children. Of course I'd try to get passed it. But I don't know if I could as it would feel as though the man I knew and the life we had were all an illusion and a lie.

How does anyone stay married to someone when they feel they've been lied to from day 1 and/or don't know the person they married any more?

scaryteacher · 20/02/2019 17:02

Ds voted remain, but can quite see why both dh and I voted Leave. I can see ds's rationale as well; I just think he is wrong.

We all still manage to live together perfectly amicably, except when he finishes the butter and doesn't tell me.

Gth1234 · 20/02/2019 17:04

Hey OP

Are you really a teacher with that appalling grammar in your thread title?

Gth1234 · 20/02/2019 17:06

"I want to add its not just about difference of opinion, as I know I'm just going to be called dramatic. Take the US and Trump for example - voting for him, on the surface, is that you don't like illegal immigration and want freedom with guns protected. Not what I support, and people die from this, but maybe as it doesn't affect me I shouldn't care. Underneath the surface, however, you're supporting somebody who thinks it is okay to sexually assault women. You haven't voted for Trump and not heard about the things he's done. There is no way I could be friends with someone who is openly okay with my entire gender being discriminated against - including me - likewise if I have to say 'imagine if that were your sister or mother' to get you to care about the issue then you are not the kind of person I want to engage with. Others can make that decision about me too of course."

Whereas you could vote for liberals who have never caused any offence by sexual shenanigans.

HeckyPeck · 20/02/2019 17:08

I do think I couldn't be with someone who had radically different political views to my own.

Same here.

EvaHarknessRose · 20/02/2019 17:15

I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t respect my right to my own views seperate from theirs.

DobbinsVeil · 20/02/2019 17:17

DH and I both voted remain but we voted differently in GE. We aren't in perfect harmony on our political beliefs and we did have a huge row on something recently. TBH I am still pretty pissed off with what he said, so I can see how it can fester away.

We live in a very safe Conservative seat and I know a lot of people who voted leave. In fact, I know someone who voted leave who works for a company that will probably have to fold when/if? Brexit happens!

Raspberry88 · 20/02/2019 17:22

I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t respect my right to my own views seperate from theirs.

Yes, I think it's concerning...imagine it the other way on. AIBU, my DH is angry with me because I don't agree with him on politics. He's blaming me for ruining the country and thinks I should vote the same way as him.

I think it's controlling but there you are!

How does anyone stay married to someone when they feel they've been lied to from day 1 and/or don't know the person they married any more?

People are allowed to change their mind...or respond to current circumstances...

Gth1234 · 20/02/2019 17:28

@OP

sorry about my denigration of your grammar for the thread title. I thought you were scaryteacher, hence the comment.

Cinderella2019 · 20/02/2019 17:31

My husband and I voted differently in the Scottish independence referendum (I voted no).

I looked at it as me cancelling his (stupid) vote out. We don’t discuss it. It just leads to rage on my part.

villamariavintrapp · 20/02/2019 17:38

I would have to rethink my marriage if my husband had voted leave. It’s different to choosing a different political party etc, I wouldn’t want to be with someone whose values were so different to mine. And who would choose such a different (and in my opinion, worse) future/life/country for our children. I just wouldn’t be able to respect him.

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