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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to provide free childcare because I work part time?

144 replies

Babynut1 · 20/02/2019 08:51

I’m one of 3 siblings. After having my children, my childcare options were limited so I paid a fortune for nursery and went pt. In doing so my salary dropped by about £10K a year. It’s been tight but we manage.

My youngest goes full time in Sept. My niece is in the same class so I have her one morning a week and take her to preschool with my DD.

When they go full time, my niece won’t be coming up me as my sil will be dropping her to breakfast club and she’ll be going to after school club.

We’ve decided that I won’t be going back to work full time as I’d struggle with full time childcare in school hols and it means I’ll still be able to take and collect my children from school and take them to activities etc.

My sister and her husband both work full time and earn much more than us. She has a boy and a girl. Her eldest is in full time school. She’s never paid for childcare and doesn’t want to go part time. She’s on mat leave at the moment and her going back to work coincides with my youngest going to full time work.
She’s practically told me that when she goes back, I can help her out on my non working days.

I don’t mind helping out with school runs etc with her eldest as I’m going anyway. But AIBU not to want to have her baby on my non working days?

I’m not in the best of health, I have arthritis in many joints. I also feel like I’ve forked out a fortune in childcare over the past few years and sacrificed a lot to make things work for my family.

I plan on using my days off to do my housework, go to the gym, swimming and gentle exercise to help with my arthritis.

AIBU completely selfish for not wanting to loook after my sisters baby 2 days a week when she goes back to work?

OP posts:
Papillon45 · 20/02/2019 09:31

Urgh so many spelling mistakes, sorry!

notapizzaeater · 20/02/2019 09:32

She's plants of time to get things sorted if you tell her now.

BreakYourselfAgainstMyStones · 20/02/2019 09:35

I would make it really clear, and not even offer emergency child care tbh or you will find 'emergencies' cropping up all the time.

How cheeky of her to assume you will pick up the slack because of your sacrifices for your family.

Drum2018 · 20/02/2019 09:37

YANBU. I think it's an absolute cheek to expect that you would help out. If she want childcare let her find a creche or childminder who is actually willing to mind kids. Tell her now that you are not going to be minding her kids at all. Otherwise every other day will become an 'emergency'. If her kids are sick, for instance, she'll call on you and why would anyone want to take on someone else's sick kids? Be firm and if she gets in a huff remind her of the sacrifices you've made to make your family work for you and your Dh. She has no business expecting to take advantage of you.

Spanglyprincess1 · 20/02/2019 09:37

It's nothing to do with more moeny or work: children are aged work. I wouldn't volunteer to look after anyone's baby for them for nothing. I've spoken to my pregnant sister about us helping each other with childcare as our babies are a year apart but it was more I'll work three day so if you wnat to go part time on opposite days I'd have your child two days and you'd have mine two days and we would Dave 600 quid each a month! Obviously if she didn't wnat to it's totally fine!

80sMum · 20/02/2019 09:38

Just say no! Your sister will need make an alternative arrangement. Let her know now, so she has plenty of time to sort something out.

Spanglyprincess1 · 20/02/2019 09:39

Do many typos! Sorry

But in short yes yanbu at all. Just say no, not possible

Bluelonerose · 20/02/2019 09:40

You should set the ground when she was pregnant. I've always dreaded being in this position so always said first.
"Aww when baby gets here if you want to put me as a contact for the child minder nursery I don't mind" that way you've said in advance where you stand.

cptartapp · 20/02/2019 09:40

Presume your BIL is happy with this arrangement for you childminding his DC too whilst he works. You need to speak to them both.

Springwalk · 20/02/2019 09:41

Absolutely no way, be firm, no you can’t help she needs to make her own arrangements. You will end doing all school holidays, sick days etc.
Nip it in the bud, be direct, and keep her at arms length she is a CF.

Drum2018 · 20/02/2019 09:41

And if she asks what you will be doing on your days off tell her it's absolutely none of her concern - you are not a childminder, end of.

Springwalk · 20/02/2019 09:42

You are not a free crèche op!

Lookingforadvice123 · 20/02/2019 09:45

YANBU. If I was your sister I would be very grateful of the offer of help with school run with her eldest, that's doing her a favour in itself!

I would nip this in the bud now, echoing PP.

helpmeoutout · 20/02/2019 09:46

Just firmly say no! She's being cheeky!

supersop60 · 20/02/2019 09:47

YANBU. And don't mention emergency cover because there will suddenly be lots of 'emergencies'
My sister often had my tiny DC on a Saturday when I was working (not every Saturday) because I had spent a lot of time in previous years looking after her 3DC. She saw it as her way of paying back.
It sounds like your sister, OP, is being a bit CF-ish.

Spanglyprincess1 · 20/02/2019 09:47

My mom did this when I was pregnant ref nipping in the bud. Jsut said she wasn't willing to be regualr childcare and I looked surprised she even thought I'd ask (age and too busy with her own life).
A soft way to get in could be to say oh xyz says X nursery or childminder is brilliant. Do you wnat me to get the details for you for when you go abck to work?

gingerbiscuits · 20/02/2019 09:47

No, no, no! She's being massively rude & presumptuous! Tell her straight ASAP. Your time is your own & you don't owe her anything!

Even if she says she'll pay you, don't decide on the spot - think carefully if it's what you want- you'll be stuck for 4yrs till that child goes to school & then undoubtedly doing school runs & after school/holiday care, too! Plus if she has any more, you'll have set a precedent!

I've been on the receiving end of similar cheeky fuckery over the years from friends when I was initially a SAHM & then qualified as a TA in order to be able to work around my children. The amount of bloody school runs & after school/holiday care I got lumbered with was ridiculous - took me ages to be blunt & put my foot down- should have done it WAY earlier!!!

outpinked · 20/02/2019 09:47

You don’t have to justify this. Her baby is not your responsibility.

DaphneFanshaw · 20/02/2019 09:48

Just say no.
It’s fine.
You don’t owe them any childcare, you really don’t. It’s their responsibility not yours.
I stopped being friendly with someone becuse she thought that I would look after her dc in the school holidays, I work term time and she and her husband run a business together. I really don’t mind helping out here and there, but not as a go to un paid childminder.

Jenny17 · 20/02/2019 09:49

She’s practically told me that when she goes back, I can help her out on my non working days

Time to practically tell what your rates are / only when you've agreed to discuss fair rates with periodic reviews.

woollyheart · 20/02/2019 09:50

Tell her firmly that you went part time to allow time for activities to help with your health issues, not to run a free family crèche. But you are happy to help in emergencies.

DaphneFanshaw · 20/02/2019 09:50

Oh x post with ginger.

PrtScn · 20/02/2019 09:51

Say no!
I've got the opposite problem in that I want to put my lo in childcare but my mum is having a meltdown saying that I’m being cruel putting lo in childcare and I should let her look after lo. She’s disabled so my step dad would end up having to do most of the childcare and I think he’s a dick!

Contraceptionismyfriend · 20/02/2019 09:51

Do not watch that baby once!
CF like that take a mile every time.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/02/2019 09:53

Don't do it!! and don't soften the blow by offering to help out in emergencies. because you will find you both have a very different definition of the word and whilst she has you as a free safety net, she won't bother looking for any alternative, so it will always be laid at your door and you won't be able to refuse because its an emergency.!!
You are already kind and generous enough to take your niece to school, something most people have to pay childcare costs for and it doesnt sound like she even appreciates that. Yes she is your sister but it doesn't mean you have to put her life and her concerns ahead of your own just because she happens to know you have "free time". Its your time, not hers!!
Sorry if I sound over the top about this but I know what it is like to be imposed on like this and it becomes a greater and greater burden. Looking after a very young baby is hard work.
You didn't sacrifice your salary to prop up her earning power and work for her for nothing. You did it to be available for your own family - which you won't be when you are tied into looking after a young baby, however lovely or closely related. What happens in the school holidays when all days out have to cater for the baby. Making sure you all book the same holidays so that you are still available when she wants to work? It will be endless.. Who wants to be an unpaid employee anyway.
Also. You might want to work yourself or study or something might come up professionally and you'll be committed to unpaid child care. As the other posters said. You don't have to explain or justify you just have to tell her quickly that you can't do it. And remind her that you already do help her with unpaid child care.