To not want to provide free childcare because I work part time?

[Babynut1]

I’m one of 3 siblings. After having my children, my childcare options were limited so I paid a fortune for nursery and went pt. In doing so my salary dropped by about £10K a year. It’s been tight but we manage.

My youngest goes full time in Sept. My niece is in the same class so I have her one morning a week and take her to preschool with my DD.

When they go full time, my niece won’t be coming up me as my sil will be dropping her to breakfast club and she’ll be going to after school club.

We’ve decided that I won’t be going back to work full time as I’d struggle with full time childcare in school hols and it means I’ll still be able to take and collect my children from school and take them to activities etc.

My sister and her husband both work full time and earn much more than us. She has a boy and a girl. Her eldest is in full time school. She’s never paid for childcare and doesn’t want to go part time. She’s on mat leave at the moment and her going back to work coincides with my youngest going to full time work.
She’s practically told me that when she goes back, I can help her out on my non working days.

I don’t mind helping out with school runs etc with her eldest as I’m going anyway. But AIBU not to want to have her baby on my non working days?

I’m not in the best of health, I have arthritis in many joints. I also feel like I’ve forked out a fortune in childcare over the past few years and sacrificed a lot to make things work for my family.

I plan on using my days off to do my housework, go to the gym, swimming and gentle exercise to help with my arthritis.

AIBU completely selfish for not wanting to loook after my sisters baby 2 days a week when she goes back to work?

[timeisnotaline]

Send the text, it’s good it doesn’t offer to help in an emergency. You can still be a nice person and help in an actual emergency without making any silly commitments to months in advance so she can decide her disorganisation and stinginess is now your emergency.

[TheClaifeCrier]

Yes send the text, then it's crystal clear and there's less chance of her manipulating you.

[MariaNovella]

Just say no.

I have stopped doing favours for people who aren’t ever intending to return them.

[StealthPolarBear]

Excellent point by a pp about pensions!

[PotteryLady]

That sounds fine - tell her sooner rather than later.

[ZenNudist]

You see from me it'd be an entirely non-subtle "god no" and laugh it off. "Youre joking right?!".

Id be cautious about offering wrap round after school care. You want to be able to take your dc to activities or playdates, not always commited to pick up dn. Make sure you're the back up not the only plan.

[greenlynx]

I would make your message shorter Our conversation the other day has been playing on my mind, were you being serious about me having baby when you go back to work? I really won’t be able to commit to this at all. Just thought I’d let you know just in case you were serious about it xx
I wouldn’t say anything about emergencies, your baby days or price of childcare. Just simple answer to her remark: you won’t be able to look after her child.

[MiniEggAddiction]

I had this when I started working part time from home. My work was somewhat flexible - I could do something else during the day but it would mean staying up late in the evening to catch up. I didn't mind in emergencies (once MiL had to go to A&E and I was of course more than happy to take her instead of someone leaving work). I gradually became the go to person for anything that anyone wanted during the day. Kids collected from school for a half day (not same school as my DC so I would otherwise be working), parcels collected from the post office etc.

I was way too slow to put a stop to it to be honest. In the end I pointed out that I had sacrificed a higher salary to work part-time from home - my time has value just as theirs does. I don't feel free to use the extra money they get from working full time and they're not free to use my extra free hours.

[MiniEggAddiction]

I also agree about being cautious about committing to after school care. When they're little in reception it might be OK but after that it can quickly become a pain - you want to tae yours to swimming etc. Yours has homework to do or you just want some time together in the evening a a family.

[Ihopeyourcakeisshit]

What greenlynx said.

[AlwaysCheddar]

Start signing up to clubs and gym on her working days! And say no.

[Babynut1]

Lol thanks everyone.
Still haven’t sent the text yet. Going to amend mine slightly and factor in what some of you have said.
As for clubs etc, mine do a few in the week so can’t commit to after school anyway but I don’t mind doing before school as it’s no difference to me popping an extra one in the car going to the same school. To be fair to her she would also take mine in the mornings on days where she could so I don’t mind this.

I love Mumsnet. It’s so hard knowing whether or not your in the right when you’re in the thick of it all.

Thanks everyone x

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

I thought Mini egg hit the nail on the head. " I don't feel free to use the extra money they get from working full time and they're not free to use my extra free hours."
I hope you do make it clear to her. I've been in your situation so I know its easier said than done but Don't soften the blow by adding sweeteners... like I'll happily take your DD to school. Say.. what are you complaining about? I've already given you substantial free help by taking DD to school for the last (time period)!! You should be really grateful for that ! Good luck!

[Drum2018]

Don't offer emergency childcare at all. Do you really want her landing her snotty nosed, cranky baby with diarrhoea on you when the creche refuse to take him? A flat out no all round is all that's needed to ensure she gets the message.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I think you should re-think your use of "can't commit to" because it still sounds as though you might be available, but not all the time.

I think you should be much clearer that it isn't happening at all - tell her that you are not ABLE to do it, not that you can't commit to it. You don't even really need to give her a reason why, just say that you have other stuff on and it's not an option.

These CFs will take a mm of uncertainty and blast it a mile wide if you're not careful, so offer zero wriggle room.

[MariaNovella]

You really shouldn’t be offering to full in the gaps in other people’s agendas for free!

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

It’s really sad to see so many other people have experienced others just wanting to use them in this way. I do think that society has become very self-centred. life is very expensive these days and if one parent chooses not to return to work or go part-time it must be obvious to others that they haven’t taken the decision lightly, that it has a big effect on household income. THe one pay-off of it is that the SAHP/part-time working parent has more time to use how they like.

I do find that some younger parents these days don’t want to compromise on anything once they have kids. They buy into this “having kids doesn’t mean I have to change my life and give up what I love” type of attitude. That’s all very well if you’re Gwyneth Paltrow with loads of money and staff to support that lifestyle...

A relative of DH’s once asked me one Saturday if I could mind her baby as she had an appointment and her DH had had to do an unexpected shift in work. Mine were at the age where most Saturdays involved a birthday party somewhere where the parents stayed, and that day was no different. I just didn’t want to have to focus my attention on her baby at the party when I was trying to forge friendships with my kids’ friends’ parents so I said “well, I am taking the kids to a party and staying there, can’t you change the appointment?”

at this point I’d assumed it was a medical appointment and if she had said it was quite urgent that she attend I would have taken the baby. However she told me it was a yoga class, the cheeky cow!!! And that was my decision made. She was not wanting to compromise arrangements in HER life for her child but fully expected me to compromise MINE. And this was also someone who had never once done any babysitting for us when my kids were that age. This person has continued to be a manipulative self-centred parent taking advantage of other people and we are no longer in touch. She just can’t see it. I don’t think these people can. They see their time as more precious than other people’s.

[DeathyMcDeathStarFace]

Get prices for local childcare and say you'll do it for 50 percent more. (So £200 childcare you'll charge £300) she'll soon go looking for alternative arrangements.

But seriously, no. Nip it in the bud with a direct text now.

Also, would she be looking for childcare during holidays too, as this would seriously damage your ability to do things during holidays. Another reason to say no now. (Sorry, haven't read full thread - only first and last pages - so don't know if this has been mentioned already.)

[MissEliza]

You day you don't mind mornings but what if your dc was ill? Would you do it then? You've got to think of all that stuff.