To not want to provide free childcare because I work part time?

[Babynut1]

I’m one of 3 siblings. After having my children, my childcare options were limited so I paid a fortune for nursery and went pt. In doing so my salary dropped by about £10K a year. It’s been tight but we manage.

My youngest goes full time in Sept. My niece is in the same class so I have her one morning a week and take her to preschool with my DD.

When they go full time, my niece won’t be coming up me as my sil will be dropping her to breakfast club and she’ll be going to after school club.

We’ve decided that I won’t be going back to work full time as I’d struggle with full time childcare in school hols and it means I’ll still be able to take and collect my children from school and take them to activities etc.

My sister and her husband both work full time and earn much more than us. She has a boy and a girl. Her eldest is in full time school. She’s never paid for childcare and doesn’t want to go part time. She’s on mat leave at the moment and her going back to work coincides with my youngest going to full time work.
She’s practically told me that when she goes back, I can help her out on my non working days.

I don’t mind helping out with school runs etc with her eldest as I’m going anyway. But AIBU not to want to have her baby on my non working days?

I’m not in the best of health, I have arthritis in many joints. I also feel like I’ve forked out a fortune in childcare over the past few years and sacrificed a lot to make things work for my family.

I plan on using my days off to do my housework, go to the gym, swimming and gentle exercise to help with my arthritis.

AIBU completely selfish for not wanting to loook after my sisters baby 2 days a week when she goes back to work?

[Babynut1]

I think I may try billing it in the bud earlier like you say. How does this sound.

Our conversation the other day has been playing on my mind, were you being serious about me having baby when you go back to work? I really won’t be able to commit to this at all. I’m happy to help out with school runs for ..... but my baby days are over now and I don’t want to be tied down to committing to childcare on my non working days.
Just thought I’d let you know just in case you were serious about it xx

[Chloemol]

phone her today and say no, you are only working part time to allow you a better work/ life balance and your husband and family come first. She has to make other arrangements

[MatildaTheCat]

Instead of ‘don’t want to be tied down and committed ‘ I’d say, I won’t be able to offer childcare, I’m really looking forward to some childfree time at last. Hope you get sorted soon.

Otherwise you are still leaving the door a crack open and we all know a CF likes to squeeze through a crack.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

I was going to suggest that you charge her for it but have now read that she won't pay up so absolutely say NO.

Say that your non-working day is not to give away as free childcare to a cheeky fucker who CBA to pay for it, and that you already have plans for those days that do not and CANNOT include a baby.

And then I would make concrete plans for your non-working days, preferably ones that make you happy, help you with your health and possibly you could look at setting up some kind of business or consultancy from home, NONE of which would possibly allow for care of a baby.

[pallisers]

Try this instead

"Our conversation the other day has been playing on my mind. I won't be able to do any childcare for you when you go back to work. Just wanted you to be clear about that so you can make your arrangements"

Then continue with "No, no childcare at all". "No can't even commit to emergency back up - it will depend really". "No, that doesn't suit me". "Yes I understand childcare is expensive - I've paid it. but I am not a child minder" "No" "No" "No" etc.

[Xenadog]

I am a cow so wouldn’t say anything to your sister unless she directly asks you to have her children then I’d say no chance. If she thinks she can just tell you to look after her kids I would be leaving her to this belief and then enjoy telling her nearer the time you haven’t agreed to it and her telling you that your doing something doesn’t make it happen.

[pallisers]

And don't let her wriggle her way in by saying she will pay you. She won't.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

I've read the first 100 posts and had to post this in relation to your comment @Babynut1:
"I don’t mind helping people out at all and I’ll happily take her eldest to school etc as I’m going anyway so it’s no difference to me."
If you start doing the early school run, she'll ask for the afternoon run to be done as well, and then the snowball effect begins.
If you have a feeling that she isn't going to pay for it, why not approach it in the way of saying "Sure thing, I'd love to look after your child DSis, and these are now my going rates for doing that. I've missed out on so many salary increases and promotional opportunities in work myself because it suited DH and I for me to go PT to look after our own children but as I'll be looking after someone elses, here are the rates" and have a list of daily rates, and late fees etc. ready to go on this. She will most likely say "Oh, that's ok. I thought you'd do it for free as it's your niece/nephew" but you can just reply (laughing) - DSis, so you think we're made of money? Sorry about that. It just isn't possible for me to be your on-call child-minder. You'll need to start looking for someone who doesn't think your taking the piss.

Good luck with it!

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Ok, caught up on the rest of the thread and I think the suggested text by @pallisers would be perfect! A lot more succinct than my ramblings

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Send what Pallisers said. Don’t even offer school run help. Let her ask for that help. Then come back to Mumsnet and get some advice for a decent response. You’re being far too nice and cheeky fuckery will win if you aren’t careful.

[MissEliza]

Agreed with pp who said don't help with the school runs as you'll get roped into the afternoon run as well.

[BiddyPop]

Our conversation the other day has been playing on my mind, I hope you weren't being serious about me having baby when you go back to work! My baby days are over now and I have things that I need to do myself so I won't have time to look after a baby as well. Childcare is expensive, and hard to get places in good settings locally so you need to start thinking about your options and booking somewhere soon.
Just thought I’d let you know just in case you were serious about it xx

[BiddyPop]

Sorry, my thoughts were about shutting her down completely and making it clear that you have no intention of doing her childcare - you can drop the "my baby days are over" if you want, but you probably want to be a little bit nice to her in dropping the bombshell that, shock horror, she doesn't have a readymade solution and will have to do the same shelling out and family sacrifices that your family have had to make.

[BiddyPop]

By the way, what about DSibling #3 in this scenario?

[3timeslucky]

YANBU.

Tell her that you got the impression (!) that she might be hoping you'd look after her child/ren and you just want to make clear that you've other plans for your time and won't be in a position to help.

[ThreeAnkleBiters]

I agree with PP that you shouldn't open the doorway to a you having DN at all. If she's cheeky enough to assume you'll have her on your days off she's probably cheeky enough to turn a day here and there into a permanent arrangement.

[SinkGirl]

Definitely text her today so she has time to sort it - you sound very like me and I would really struggle with this too.

You said she’s never paid for childcare works full time - did you look after her older child when he was younger?

[BlingLoving]

I don't know why you have to say your baby days are over? The point is that you and your DH have made decisions about YOUR childcare and YOUR work. So I think it would be more appropriate to simply say that you hope she wasn't being serious because now that the children are at school you and DH are looking forward to you being able to use the small amount of free time you have in different ways to benefit yourselves and your family.

[DontDribbleOnTheCarpet]

Agreeing to help out in an emergency is the downfall of many a victim of CF-ery. Because it will always be an emergency, every last time.
Your text, sounds fine, OP. Just be prepared for the gradual pushing back of boundaries and the creeping increase of time you spend looking after her kids.

[ElspethFlashman]

babynut your text is too wordy by far and she'll pick at the details.

Use palisers text instead.

[shiningstar2]

It always amazes me when I hear the ways in which some Working full time parents seem to assume that SAHP or Part time working parents have made this arrangement to facilitate other people's working arrangements.
Good luck with sticking to your own plans op. Your time is valuable and you should use mainly in yours and your own family's interests. Babies are hard work ...especially two together eight months apart. Harder work than twins at the same stage. It is annoying when others try to arrange your life to suit their convenience.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

I love how some people think they can have a nanny for free as they're family and 'not doing anything anyway'. Would they do an extra two days at work for free at the weekend or whatever as they're not busy? Of course not!

[Mmmhmmm]

I think the message sounds fine.

[Margot33]

@Babynut1
I think your message is perfect.

[Whoops75]

Don’t mention not having the time, make it clear you don’t want to.