To not want to provide free childcare because I work part time?

[Babynut1]

I’m one of 3 siblings. After having my children, my childcare options were limited so I paid a fortune for nursery and went pt. In doing so my salary dropped by about £10K a year. It’s been tight but we manage.

My youngest goes full time in Sept. My niece is in the same class so I have her one morning a week and take her to preschool with my DD.

When they go full time, my niece won’t be coming up me as my sil will be dropping her to breakfast club and she’ll be going to after school club.

We’ve decided that I won’t be going back to work full time as I’d struggle with full time childcare in school hols and it means I’ll still be able to take and collect my children from school and take them to activities etc.

My sister and her husband both work full time and earn much more than us. She has a boy and a girl. Her eldest is in full time school. She’s never paid for childcare and doesn’t want to go part time. She’s on mat leave at the moment and her going back to work coincides with my youngest going to full time work.
She’s practically told me that when she goes back, I can help her out on my non working days.

I don’t mind helping out with school runs etc with her eldest as I’m going anyway. But AIBU not to want to have her baby on my non working days?

I’m not in the best of health, I have arthritis in many joints. I also feel like I’ve forked out a fortune in childcare over the past few years and sacrificed a lot to make things work for my family.

I plan on using my days off to do my housework, go to the gym, swimming and gentle exercise to help with my arthritis.

AIBU completely selfish for not wanting to loook after my sisters baby 2 days a week when she goes back to work?

[Maelstrop]

Offer her recommendations of childminders and keep telling her how you’re looking forward t9 having child free days to do swimming/self care, whatever. She’s very presumptuous to imagine that you will just merrily haul her baby that she’s chosen to have away for her!

[Babynut1]

I wouldn’t mind so much if she was having mine and I was having hers. But I don’t see why I should be the one sacrificing everything for my family and then everyone else benefitting.

My sister has a way of manipulating and making people feel guilty and sorry for her.

It was said in a throw away comment in a jokey way but I know she was serious because I know what’s she’s like and this is how it starts.

I feel more confident in putting my foot down now and I’ll bring it up next time I see her. I feel like my baby rearing days are over and I don’t want to go back to all that.

I just worried whether I was being a bit spiteful by saying why should I give you free childcare when I’ve had to pay for all mine.

I don’t mind helping people out at all and I’ll happily take her eldest to school etc as I’m going anyway so it’s no difference to me. But having a baby with me 2 days a week is something I really don’t want to do.

Thanks for all your posts xx

[areyoubeingserviced]

Op, just say no for goodness sake.
Just say you have other plans , don’t expand
As others have said don’t offer to help her in emergencies, or else there will be a daily emergency.
However, if an emergency comes up and you are available you can help out if you want.
Your sister is a CF

[mishgs]

Full time worker with free child care?? What a dream!! No way should you do it. I work part time & spend my 'days off' running round doing jobs, shopping, cleaning etc and there's no way I could do that with a baby in tow. So rude to assume!!!

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I just worried whether I was being a bit spiteful by saying why should I give you free childcare when I’ve had to pay for all mine.

Why? it's the truth. You've made the decisions which benefit your family, she's responsible for managing hers. Cheeky cow.

[IHateUncleJamie]

“No” is a complete sentence but I totally get how easy it is to be manipulated and guilt tripped by CF relatives. Tbh I would not wait until next time you see her; text her today and say “I assume you were joking about me providing childcare on my days off because obviously that won’t be happening. Happy to give you details of the nursery we used though. xx”

Job done - don’t engage in any more discussion with her about it.

[Member984815]

Just say no now , I have been sucked into minding a relatives baby it's only one or twice a week , I find it's impacting my own children because I have to give it my full attention and my house is not really set up for a young baby or toddler anymore and I don't want baby equipment in my way .

[ritzbiscuits]

Absolutely NOT! There is no way I would expect a sibling to look after my child and she's a cheeky cow for even asking.

We all make decisions about how we run our lives, and do not for one second feel you need to justify your own time now your child is at school.

I personally think she's been that cheeky, I wouldn't even be taking her eldest to school, but that's up to you. I would be extremely careful she's not starting to put on you for holiday cover as well.

Good luck and please stand up for yourself.

[TooDamnSarky]

I'd deal it in a jokey way. "Don't be daft - if I wanted to do to that I'd be working as a paid childminder"
Laugh it off as the ridiculous request that it is.
Then if needed - "OMG you are actually serious! Are you fo real? No chance!"

[katykins85]

Cheeky mare! I agree you need to make it crystal clear now that this will not be happening, and don't say anything about emergencies! Just flat out no!

[Whereareyouspot]

YADNBU!

Your time is yours and you have early it by all the planning and paying for nursery over the years

She’s a CF

Be firm. Very firm and do not waver and do not provide an explanation

Just say no I won’t be doing that. End of.

You do not need to explain yourself and that just gives her chance to suggest YOU are selfish as she sounds enough of a CF to do that!

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

Uh, that'll be a No

[Contraceptionismyfriend]

Why should you have to be the one to make all the sacrifices?
Lose out on a full time wage? Lose out on career prospects? Lose out on all the things that extra money could buy?
But you made an informed decision that was best for your family and your health.

They do not get to have their cake and eat it.

[Purplecatshopaholic]

If you start doing this you will never stop. DON'T DO IT.You don't have to explain yourself either - she is being very cheeky

[twilightcafe]

No emergencies!

There will be one every day because your sister hasn't bothered to get any childcare.

[Birdsgottafly]

If you feel that you can't outright say no, put it as a health issue.

You just can't commit because of your arthritis. You've gone part time because you need to go swimming as therapy and then need to pace yourself and rest.

[Anniegetyourgun]

I wouldn't say the thing about her having free childcare when you paid for yours; just keep it in mind to give yourself strength. Assertiveness textbooks advise you give as little explanation as possible, otherwise they have something to argue against. Instead, go for variations of "that's not going to be possible" or "that doesn't work for me", repeated as many times as necessary until they eventually give up. If she asks what you're going to do with "all that free time" you could tell her she doesn't need to worry as you won't be bored

[AuntieCJ]

Put your foot down now as others have said. Cheeky mare.

[UserUser123]

No way are you being unreasonable!!

So your sister expects you to lose a fair amount of earnings to look after her child while she’s out earning money?! Not a chance. You have reasons for working part time and those do not include looking after other people’s kids - sister or not.

The audacity and sense of entitlement of some people actually astounds me.

[thecatsthecats]

I wouldn't tell her you can do it in emergencies, as you'll find that those 'emergencies' may happen rather frequently.

If an emergency does occur, she still has the option of calling you, THEN you can say yes or no.

[pumpkinpie01]

She is so cheeky , you need to nip it in the bud quick. After school runs you will barely have a 6 hour day to yourself, that will go so quick, that's your time to spend as you wish not to be restricted by a babies needs. I would text her today, make it clear.

[Lalliella]

No no no a million times no! Your SIL is the ultimate of CFs. Just use the MN classic “that doesn’t work for me”.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I wouldn’t say to her “why should you get free childcare when I had to pay for mine”. That will create an argument and deflect from the actual situation at hand. You will either be accused of sour grapes or offered money and accused of being manipulative when you refuse her offer. Either way, you lose. Bottom line you don’t want to look after her dc even if she gave you her entire take home pay for the day. So it’s not about the money. Stick to the facts. You’ve already outlined those

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Meant to add don’t even offer emergencies. She will naturally call you in a real emergency. That’s normal in the same way as I’d call a friend in a real emergency.

[Purpletigers]

Please say no now and stick to it . You’re sacrificing full time pay for time , she is choosing not to. If it becomes tricky laugh it off in a “ Haha why would I work without being paid, I might as well just work ft”
My son’s best friend’s mum has hinted that I have her children on school holidays occasionally because I’m off anyway . I just laughed it off . I will have her son because he plays so well with mine and they essentially cancel each other out in terms of hassle.
No way am I taking on two girls too .