To not want to provide free childcare because I work part time?

[Babynut1]

I’m one of 3 siblings. After having my children, my childcare options were limited so I paid a fortune for nursery and went pt. In doing so my salary dropped by about £10K a year. It’s been tight but we manage.

My youngest goes full time in Sept. My niece is in the same class so I have her one morning a week and take her to preschool with my DD.

When they go full time, my niece won’t be coming up me as my sil will be dropping her to breakfast club and she’ll be going to after school club.

We’ve decided that I won’t be going back to work full time as I’d struggle with full time childcare in school hols and it means I’ll still be able to take and collect my children from school and take them to activities etc.

My sister and her husband both work full time and earn much more than us. She has a boy and a girl. Her eldest is in full time school. She’s never paid for childcare and doesn’t want to go part time. She’s on mat leave at the moment and her going back to work coincides with my youngest going to full time work.
She’s practically told me that when she goes back, I can help her out on my non working days.

I don’t mind helping out with school runs etc with her eldest as I’m going anyway. But AIBU not to want to have her baby on my non working days?

I’m not in the best of health, I have arthritis in many joints. I also feel like I’ve forked out a fortune in childcare over the past few years and sacrificed a lot to make things work for my family.

I plan on using my days off to do my housework, go to the gym, swimming and gentle exercise to help with my arthritis.

AIBU completely selfish for not wanting to loook after my sisters baby 2 days a week when she goes back to work?

[timeisnotaline]

I would send a pps message today “I assume you were joking about me providing childcare on my days off because obviously that won’t be happening. Happy to give you details of the nursery we used though. xx”

[notangelinajolie]

Grrr this really gets my goat. Nothing more annoying than entitled parents who think they can hand over childcare to the SAHM family member/friend whilst they swan off and advance their careers.

Their kids - their responsibility.
Don't feel bad. Be nice and smile sweetly and tell her you are done with childcare and that you are looking forward to a bit of me time. It would be nice to offer emergency back up but don't feel obliged - I personally think she is being a bit of a CF but that is your choice and you sound lovely so I think you probably will. Good luck and enjoy your new down time and I hope your arthritis improves

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I had this with my sister when she was pregnant. I had decided not to go back to my low paid FT job after having DS1 as we couldn’t afford the childcare, we would have been worse off than me not working. My DM did offer to have DS but we would have had to leave the house at 6.30am every day to do the round trip there and back to work and I didn’t think that was fair on a baby if it could be avoided. Also not fair on my mum to do it 5 days a week.

Dh’s hours are completely irregular so he couldn’t be factored into regular childcare pick ups/sick days etc. So the simplest thing was to give up work (it had been a stop gap job after relocation anyway, no career path)

I knew we would struggle for money for a few years and we did. However the time spent with DS was very precious and so worth it. My sister saw it as just time that I was free and could mind her baby when it was born while she worked. I remember her bringing it up at a family meal when she was pregnant. It was obvious that she had just assumed that I would mind her baby out of love (only 8 months between hers and mine so you could imagine the work and stress involved in that!). No offer of any money or anything either. The arrogance in that assumption was astonishing and DH and I could hardly believe it. She then did all the “hurt my feelings and that of your unborn DN” type of act. Her DH had the same attitude.

They absolutely could not see our point of view at all, that DH and I were sacrificing a lot of money for me to have this precious time with our DS, and that what she was wanting was completely unreasonable, would make my life so much harder, take away that lovely one on one time with my own baby, cost ME money in extra nappies and money for soft play etc, while SHE carried on earning a good salary in a professional job with no concerns about money whatsoever.

Astoundingly self-centred and totally lacking in empathy.

In the end she got my mum to do it. Never gave her any money either. Very little appreciation of what she was getting for free. It also didn’t occur to her that my mum minding her kid/s did have an impact on the relationship she could have with mine/events she could attend with mine. Even once I went back to work if I had any time off child-free I could never do anything with my mum just me and her because she was often minding my sister’s kids.

Some people just really struggle to see things from others’ perspectives, OP. This doesn’t meant that the other perspective isn’t valid!

[Igotmylipstickon]

Maybe your sister plans on paying you and thinks she would be doing you a favour by supplementing your income.

Either way, YANBU. You could say something along the lines of:

"I'm beginning to get my time back now that my kids are older and have made plans for my days off. I'm sorry if you assumed that I would mind the baby, but it really doesn't suit me."

Don't mention you will be there for emergencies as she may try to take advantage. Mention it after she has her childcare sorted, if you want to.

[Ellie56]

Some good responses here OP.

Send IHateUncleJamie's text, then if necessary use the suggestions by TooDamnSarky.

Just stand your ground. YANBU. You have just got your own children off to school. Why would you want to start all over again with babies?

[Babynut1]

I can guarantee there’s no intention to pay. She “can’t afford it”. She’s the ultimate CF. If we go out for food, she pleads poverty so that someone else takes pity and pays.

Her and her DH must easily take home £800-£1000 a month more than us. Our mortgage payments, bills etc can’t be that much different.
Yet I paid for childcare, went PT, lost a lot of money in doing so and whilst it’s tight, we’re ok.

She borrows and never gives back, she’s never got any money for anything but goes on all her friends overseas hens/stags, often out .

Just different priorities I guess.

Thanks again for all your replies, I’ll bring it up next time I see her xx

[gamerchick]

I think maybe it's fair to say you'd be willing to do emergency back-up care in case of sick days

Why is it that when faced with a cheeky fucker there's always some who will automatically think of compromise? How about 'no, pay for your own childcare' instead?

Nip this in the bud now OP and if she wants to do the pity me dance let someone else step in

[SandyY2K]

No is a complete sentence. Tell her you have other plans on your non working days, so she needs to make other childcare arrangements.


I suspect you're not overly assertive, otherwise she would have asked not told you.



Some people take the piss if you're so easy going and accommodating.

[Twisique]

Write a list of reasons so you have one ready for every time she asked. Dentist, hairdressers, meeting a friend, swimming, shopping, solicitors, smear test, nails, GPS, post office, etc.

[Igotmylipstickon]

I can guarantee there's no intention to pay

Op - On your original post you ask if you are being selfish. Look who is actually being selfish in this situation.

Say no and please don't feel even an ounce of guilt.

[justmyview]

She’s practically told me that when she goes back, I can help her out on my non working days You need to nip that in the bud ASAP, so she has plenty of time to make other arrangements

As for helping with emergencies - I think it would be a bit mean to refuse to help at all ever, under any circumstances. One approach might be to say that you're willing to help if you're available and it suits you, but you won't hesitate to say no if it's not convenient. And then, if you have the child on Monday, but you tell them Tuesday isn't convenient and they turn up anyway, don't let them over the threshold. Stay on the doorstep and tell them that you sympathise, but you're not available and they need to make other plans. And don't feel you have to explain / justify why you're not available

Please please please don't post again in 5 years time that you've been helping for five years, it's never been reciprocated and you've been taken for a mug

[Maelstrop]

You’re not being spiteful, OP, but you have planned this free time to look after yourself, not someone else’s child. As a pp said, you may as well go back to work full time if you have her baby so be firm and clear. The more you say, the cheekier she sounds.

[Holidayshopping]

You need to tell her it won’t be happening and tell her now to give her plenty of time to get used to the idea.

She is clearly a CF who is happy to take advantage of you financially. Don’t ever again pay for her food when you go out FFS! She is working full time and will be paying into a PENSION etc. Can you see her supporting you at 65 because you support her now?!

Tell her that you are taking a cut in income to go part time as it suits your situation and you won’t be looking after any extra children. Tell her now!!

[Piffle11]

YANBU!!! You're expected to help so they can basically maintain their lifestyle, whilst your life gets more difficult! My friend had something similar happen to her: she works - part time - from home, DC grown up, and her sister was wanting her to provide free childcare 2 days a week for her DGC (friend's niece's DD). DF was saying no, but they were really going at her … oh she won't be able to go back to work, they can't afford childcare, I can't do it as I work FT … etc etc. She would have her every now and again, but that was all. DNiece then has another DC 4 years later … and make DF Godmother. I think they did it to guilt her into childcare! And it worked, as she now has this kid 2 days a week. It's not your job to make their life easier by making yours harder.

[Whoops75]

I think it’s fair to say your baby says are over and you can’t wait for time to yourself.

If she says anything just keep repeating yourself. No need for excuses then you have nothing to hide.

As for (fake) emergencies or holidays the answer is the same, you don’t want extra kids you have enough in your own.
If the baby is sick they can use their holidays same as you did.

She’s the bad sister not you!
A good sister wouldn’t treat you like staff.

[KC225]

Again don't offer to do emergency cover. This happened with my friend and her CF SIL. When my friend said 'No, only for emergencies' They didn't arrange anything, only started ringing round the week before she was due to go back to work. Nothing was right, wrong hours, didn't get the right feeling. Friend ended up with the baby, just till they found somewhere. Then she wasn't earning as much as she thought, would have to save up. Then she couldn't get the hours she wanted in the one place she liked. Then it was a shame to disrupt the baby when she loved it so much at my friends. This went on for over a year with very little thanks and no cash. When my friend finally said No more, you have till the end of the month they accused her of being selfish and suggested she look up the meaning of the word family. The never even offered to babysit once.

I wouldn't mention the 'we had to pay it, so you have to' as it sounds as that is your reason for not doing it. You don't want to - your baby years are over, you are not well and you want to do things in the holiday with your own DC.

[KindnessCrusader]

Could have written this. People that choose to go back to work see you as lucky rather than having made the decision to be quite poor in order to be a SAHM!
They think that because you're lucky, you owe them. I have tried to stop saying yes to looking after other people's children so they can work and earn money without paying for childcare because it is affecting my own children and my health. Also annoying seeing all these people using me for free childcare getting mortgages, new cars and going on amazing holidays-all of which are out of our reach (by choice, but still annoying!)
You are not working full time to benefit you and YOUR family-not everyone else's. Now if I could just take my own advice...

[llangennith]

"Sorry that won't work for me and my family" should do it.

[Margot33]

Send her a lovely text to explain that you' re happy to take the one to school with your son but if your son is sick she 'll have to do it. However you don't feel well enough to look after a baby. But you can offer emergency care. I would tell her now otherwise she 'll struggle to get a place at a good nursery. If you can' t put yourself first and love and value yourself, how can you expect others to. Your time to nuture yourself is important. Be strong my lovely.

[Meyouandbabytoo]

Yaddddddnbu

I've done a bit of family childcare while on maternity leave to help out. At first it was fine, an afternoon here or there, no problem.
Then they started to assume I would and it became every week. Once I was even asked "what days can you have 'child' this week so I can sort out work and other childcare".
Being asked do you mind a couple hours once every so often is fine. It being assumed you'll do it regardless is not fine. I've not done it since, and it has definitely affected my relationship with that relative.
Toddlers are bloody hard work, and with a baby of my own it was an actual nightmare some days.

Their child, their problem to sort not yours.

[FizzyGreenWater]

'I should tell you this right now, you need to sort childcare because there is no way I can afford to provide free care for anyone. I'm going to be looking into different ways to use this time to make money as soon as I'm well. Do you realise Sis that we must be on probably a grand less than you a month? I took a massive hit on wages when I had the kids, it's what a lot of people have to do. No way am I taking that hit a second time too, not unless you want to take over paying a few of our bills in return? Haha'

[WarpedGalaxy]

Don’t tiptoe around it just say “no I don’t want to.” That’s all you need to say and keep saying it. Don’t offer excuses or ‘I’ll do it in an emergency’ or ‘a couple of hours here and there’ sweeteners because they’ll just use those as a wedge.

“ No I don’t want to.” Stick to that.

[AintNobodyHereButUsReindeer]

Say you'll do it and then provide her with a price list of your rates, £40 a day, £5 per meal, £10 penalty per 10 mins late collecting etc etc...

[justmyview]

I should tell you this right now, you need to sort childcare because there is no way I can afford to provide free care for anyone. I'm going to be looking into different ways to use this time to make money as soon as I'm well. Do you realise Sis that we must be on probably a grand less than you a month? I took a massive hit on wages when I had the kids, it's what a lot of people have to do. No way am I taking that hit a second time too, not unless you want to take over paying a few of our bills in return? Haha'

Too wordy. Keep it simple. "Just thought I should make it clear that I won't be offering to provide childcare when you go back to work. I hope you can find a nursery / childminder that you like"

[timeisnotaline]

I would be perfectly comfortable saying dear god no I cannot wait until my youngest is potty trained why would anyone volunteer for more baby toddler time? No way.