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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be slightly hurt over this...dog and PIL issue

142 replies

turtlepoop · 19/02/2019 13:33

So it's FIL's birthday soon and it's a big one. PIL are hosting a big party in their house for the family.

The only children in the family are ours and BIL's DS who will be 7 months at the time.

PIL have a dog that is IMO aggressive, despite what they think. I really like dogs and I'm fine with my dc being near them, living where we do they need to be relaxed around dogs...but not this particular dog. I've first hand witnessed him try to bite a child in a pub garden, with his hackles up. Was bloody awful and the poor child looked traumatised. Luckily dog couldn't reach the child so didn't actually touch the child. He's not trained and totally out of control, but he's a Labrador so apparently can't possibly be aggressive. Hmm

Anyway we've been told we need to make alternative Childcare arrangements for the event because we have an issue with dc being near the dog and they want the dog there. Except we don't have anyone we can ask, my parents are on holiday at the time and nursery isn't open on a Sunday!!

Obviously I'm never going to compromise the dcs safety but also feel like they're being difficult for the sake of it and thought they'd want the dc to be part of the big event. They pay a dog minder to take the dog for long haul holidays all year round. 5 in the last year in fact, but apparently it's imperative the "fur baby" stays with them this time.

It makes us look even worse because BIL is staying from overseas and is staying at their house with his DS. He hasn't seen the dog around children and is taking MIL's word. I have a funny feeling he'll be requesting to stay with us after a few days.

OP posts:
LollyHolly24 · 19/02/2019 19:20

Decline the invite if you want. But YABU to be hurt/annoyed by their decision.

Like some other on this thread I would NEVER be putting my dog elsewhere just because someone didn't want their children to be around them. They could decline the invite if they wanted but they certainly wouldn't be backing me into a corner of making my dog go elsewhere.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 19/02/2019 21:57

I can't believe the people here who think you are in the wrong.

It's not an unusual occurrence for a dog known to the family to go for kids. There are numerous examples of this on this site. This particular dog is aggressive. Yes it's probably not going to attack your kids but there is a chance it could, and I can't believe any responsible adult would happily put children in a situation where that might happen

So all the people saying they would never put their dog somewhere else - would you really encourage very young children to spend time with your aggressive dog? Or would you just refuse to see your grandkids!?

Remember everyone who's dog has attacked someone, was sure it wouldn't

Also the grandparents are used to putting the dog

I would see if your husband can go by himself or see if you can find a babysitter (keyworker at nursery possibly?) for a couple of hours to keep the peace. But YANBU for not wanting to keep your children safe

Becles · 19/02/2019 23:04

Why can't you arrange a babysitter again?

Cornishclio · 20/02/2019 08:27

For goodness sake it is a dog. Who puts a dog above their GC and what harm is it going to do the dog to be shut away from what will probably over excite him at least and may lead him to be aggressive if he leans that way anyway? My DDs PIL have 3 GS but would always shut them away when our GC go to visit. Her MIL says people come first and surely the safety of a child is paramount? If it bites the dog will be put down and the child could be maimed for life or even killed.

Cornishclio · 20/02/2019 08:35

Anyway I would not go if you don't have a babysitter but this is obviously going to be an ongoing issue so maybe you say in future that either they come to you minus the dog or they shut the dog away. Maybe revisit when the kids are older. I don't think anyone should take risks with children's safety.

Ghanagirl · 20/02/2019 08:37

@Nesssie
So your dog comes before your children?
Okay then🙄

Nesssie · 20/02/2019 13:59

Ghanagirl not sure I said that anywhere. I said my dog would stay at my party at my house. I wouldn't get rid of him because someone else didn't want their children around him.

If you rtft you'll see that the dog's owner do not believe their dog is a danger, therefore there is no reason for them to palm the dog off for the day. They do not perceive that there is a risk (whether there is or not has not been established - the one incident described is not very conclusive).

I don't think its U for the parents to not go to the party if they don't think their children are safe, but equally, its not U for the grandparents to want their dog there.

NorthEndGal · 20/02/2019 14:04

Is there a reason you can't get a babysitter?

LoniceraJaponica · 20/02/2019 14:29

I love how many posters assume that getting a babysitter is that easy. When DD was little the only people I would trust with DD were the daughters of a friend of mine. It also meant picking them up and driving them home - a round trip of about 10 miles each time.

The OP has already said that she can't get a babysitter because the only people she feels she can leave her children with are on holiday.

I like dogs. I grew up with them so I don't understand how some dog owner posters think that their dog is more important than their guests' comfort Hmm. and that they never display unpredictable behaviour around other people. Another Hmm

We used to have cats. I adored them. They were my life. However, we did have some friends, and MIL who really felt uncomfortable around them. It was a no brainer to shut them away because as a host I like to make my guests feel welcome.

It seems to me that some people need to be more socially aware and learn some good manners. It costs nothing to take other people's feelings into account.

Rant over.

Laiste · 20/02/2019 14:48

Babysitter/not babysitter.
Dog dangerous/dog not dangerous.
These things are open for debate.

What is fact however is that these people know their son and his family wont come round with the GC if the dog is lose and they are choosing to put the dog first. Nutters.

In the long run they are the one's who stand to lose the most. Sad when you think of it. When the animal is dead and gone will they look back and regret losing out on time with their son and his young children over a dog? Will any perceptions of who had the moral high ground be much comfort at all?

blueskiesovertheforest · 20/02/2019 14:53

NorthEndGal getting a babysitter affirms that it's acceptable to the parents that the dog has priority status over the children. It would be a cold day in hell before most people would pay for an evenings babysitting and tell their kids they can't come to the party in order to attend a party thrown by people with that set of priorities.

The couple's son may feel obligated to attend, but there is no reason to pay a babysitter and both go.

Purpleartichoke · 20/02/2019 14:58

They are being incredibly poor dog owners. If their dog hurts a child, that may be it for the dog. Even if they don’t care about their grandchildren, they do claim to care about the dog. They should not be putting it in situations where it could fail.

I would not get a sitter. Send your OH to the party solo since they are his parents.

PCohle · 20/02/2019 15:00

It's their party and their house.

Arrange childcare or don't go.

It seems pretty clear that your PIL don't think their dog is a risk and think you are being hysterical.

AlaskanOilBaron · 20/02/2019 15:04

You're in a tough spot.

They obviously don't have an objective view of their dog, and they're no doubt feeling defensive.

I'd send my husband.

What kind of dog is it?

AlaskanOilBaron · 20/02/2019 15:06

NorthEndGal getting a babysitter affirms that it's acceptable to the parents that the dog has priority status over the children. It would be a cold day in hell before most people would pay for an evenings babysitting and tell their kids they can't come to the party in order to attend a party thrown by people with that set of priorities.

I'm not sure I entirely agree with this. They love the dog, they don't understand the issue, they're old, I'd probably give them some occasional leeway & come without the kids.

It's not on, but it is a big birthday. I'm sort of on the fence.

NorthEndGal · 20/02/2019 15:07

Well, I guess I was thinking of it was a special one off party, it might be worth it

I guess , as someone who provides babysitting, it always shocks me when people act like it's not possible.

I'm not saying they should, I was only asking of there was a reason they couldnt

PuppyMonkey · 20/02/2019 15:10

A snappy/aggressive/large dog at a party full of strangers, probably involving alcohol?

Who has previously been given priority for important matters such as sofa sitting over adults?

And who “goes mad” when there are visitors to the home?

What could possibly go wrong?GrinHmm

bullyingadvice2017 · 20/02/2019 16:01

Make sure your dog tells Bil about this. Imagine if dog gets his kid and you knew it was aggressive

poglets · 20/02/2019 16:33

'It's their party and their house.

Arrange childcare or don't go.'

THIS!!!

blueskiesovertheforest · 20/02/2019 16:42

poglets and other people who keep changing "it's their party, arrange childcare or don't go" read turtlepoop (the original poster)'s 15:18 post from yesterday, or indeed any of her posts?

The PIL aren't willing to accept them not going. According to the parents in law an invitation is a summons...

blueskiesovertheforest · 20/02/2019 16:44

Sorry that wasn't meant to be a command but a question, the word "have" was eaten ... The first line should have started "have piglets and other posters read...?"

GreenTulips · 20/02/2019 17:14

but they certainly wouldn't be backing me into a corner of making my dog go elsewhere

But they’ll insist the GC go elsewhere?

I have a dog, he’s great with kids, it he goes away of kids don’t like him. Quite simple really.

LoniceraJaponica · 20/02/2019 17:34

The point that the "love me love my dog" lovers on here are spectacularly missing is that the grandparents are putting their dog before their grandchildren at a family party. Then getting arsey because the OP doesn't want to risk her toddlers getting bitten by a dog that already has been known to get aggressive with children.

loubeylou68smellsofreindeerpoo · 20/02/2019 17:37

My parents got a rescue dog who growled at my dc so we refused to visit (stay over as they lived far away) unless the dog was muzzled or shut away when the kids were around . They got a stair gate to separate the kids from the dog which worked well.

LollyHolly24 · 20/02/2019 18:07

My dog comes above other peoples children. The GPs obviously don't think there is an issue and the OP is being hysterical (which based on the pub scenario it sounds like she is...).

As others have said OP knows the situation knows the dog won't be shut away and has the choice not to go. She can't have a temper tantrum because the GPs (RIGHTLY) won't shut THEIR dog away at THEIR party.

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